How Women Test Men – How Do Men Respond?

There are three men Tom, Dick and Harry, let's look at how they react to women, how they react to femaleness.

Tom found that women usually lost interest in him. They started off feeling attracted to him, then when they acted ‘moody’ he saw it as a sign that he need to fill an emotional need in them. He filled that need, becoming their emotional punchbag. The women became aloof and were, eventually, repulsed by him. They walked away. Females!!

Dick found his relationships crashing and burning. When they acted ‘moody’ with him he just walked away, he thought that if a woman doesn’t want to be with you, that was that. They don’t know what they want, no point dealing with their unpredictable behaviour. He saw intimate relationships as a power-play of status, sexual rights and control. He walked away.

Harry had a secure long-term relationship and found women constantly interested in him. When his woman acted ‘moody’ he listened and gave her the space to talk. He stayed true to what he felt and ensured she understood that. He was confident in himself and was not affected by the wild emotional swings he was experiencing. He knew what was good for them and was open and straight with her, even if it ‘hurt’ her. They stayed together

All three men had the same advantages in terms of looks, wealth and other ‘important’ issues, so what’s the difference in their behaviour, given that the women initially acted the same way each time? The difference is in how they reacted to female testing, that reaction resulted in the dramatically different results. The difference is in love and men.


What is female testing?

In a recent post, Pleading Does Not Hack It, while talking about the failure of a man’s relationship through too much pleading, I said,

“Finally I just want to say a quick word about female testing. They will always do it, as long as you are together. Women need to trust their men and the only way they can be sure you are trustworthy is to constantly test it. Look for it and love it. If it upsets you, you are finished, try becoming a monk instead.”

A women is attracted to a man who is in control of himself but not controlling, to her the most unattractive trait in a man is insecurity. A woman has a constant need to know where she is with a man, she needs to feel safe, to feel excited and to feel free. That’s the source of women testing men.

A major feminine characteristic is trust. She needs to trust her man, totally trust him, with her emotions, with her life. Only when a woman can trust a man will she surrender to him, will she love him. Unfortunately men are not good at showing emotions, they tend to keep things hidden, they tend not to talk very much. So it’s no use a woman asking a man about this, the best she might get will be a shrug. So testing is the only proven method that gets results, that shows the truth, that reveals the sub-conscious motives of a man.


How women test men?

Men all know that women test them all the time, women can’t help it. But why do they do it? There are a few simple reasons:

Defence Mechanism

She needs a man to know that he can’t take her for granted, she is not a push-over. She needs a man to show that he can respect her. She wants a man to see that she has standards and that he has to meet them.


She needs to find a man that she can’t take for granted, he is not a push-over. She needs to know that she can respect him. She wants to see how strong emotionally he is, how smart he is.

Need for Re-assurance

She wants the certainty that a man cares for her and wants to protect her. She wants to know that he is trustworthy and that she is safe surrendering to him and his love.


She wants a man to know that she loves him, that he is important to her. Only a man she cares for and wants in her life is worth constantly testing.

Ego Inflation

Sometimes a woman tests because she enjoys making a man uncomfortable, because she can. Men ask for it by getting nervous and uncertain. Ultimately she wants a man to reveal himself, particularly if he is not uncomfortable is his masculinity. This is not meant cruelly, but to help the man see who he really is and what he needs to do to become worthy of her.

Abandonment Complex

This is a serious issue that needs to be treated with care by a man. It is a psychological trait that a woman has stemming from abandonment by men, usually starting with her father. Often nothing the man can do will satisfy the inability of the woman to trust the man. It is not solvable by the man (men, don’t try to solve it!) and needs professional help.


How do men react to testing?

The more a man passes a woman’s test, the more intimacy he achieves with her, the more he is trusted by her. Women want a man who is in control of himself yet slightly out of control; a confident, independent man who excels in life. This is because a woman ultimately surrenders herself to a man who she believes to be ‘the one’. If a man doesn’t understand this then he can create chaos in a relationship. As we saw at the beginning a man can fall victim to the testing or get angry with it. Either way he fails. He can, however, take it in his stride, be a rock, be sure of himself and let her swirl around him. The he passes. There is no control involved, just openness and freedom, on both sides.

Tom Dick and Harry.

So what about Tom, Dick and Harry. By now you should have worked it out. Tom is needy and falls victim to her tests, he fails because he has no inner strength that enables her to trust him. Dick is angry and doesn’t respect women, he fails because he will always be fighting her. Harry treats her with respect but also respects himself. He passes because he is strong and certain, she can trust him because he trusts himself.

What am I to do?

Best to just accept that women do and will test men. Be aware of it when it happens and deal with it in a way that gains you authority and understanding in the relationship. Personally, I see it as a supreme act of love. I become nervous when I am not being tested by my partner. She loves me and she wants to show it, she wants to feel safe with me, she wants to know if I love her.

  • Do you understand that your woman needs certainty?
  • Can you accept her testing?
  • Are you able to take it?

Photo Credit: Flickr/Tony Alter“>[NAME]


  1. fred says:

    I feel like my girl friend is constantly testing me by saying things like: “I think I want to quit my job and become a dancer” or I want to get my nipples pierced”

    stuff like that… She knows that I have pretty conservative values so not sure why she would say things like that. Is it to test me? see my reaction? wants attention? I don’t know just feeling lost and frankly questioning if she’s right for me.

  2. What about the opposite says:

    Well, I am a woman and never tested. I’ve had two long relationships. I guess I’m a bit different than the majority of women as I’m not moody either. If I feel like it it means I need to recharge my batteries. I simply observe day to day actions and go from how I feel. I don’t like unnecessary drama. Better spend my time on other things. I haven’t been tested either until recently by my ‘boyfriend?’ Been so many times and going silent for days both for wanting his time and because is upset. I have hard time reading him and when I mention to him he blames of being criticising him and high maintenance. He is very territorial on the other side despite myself being loyal to him even when we broke off few times. So many mixed signals, finally I lashed out about two weeks ago as I’ve bottled it for quite a while. He’s not talking since and I’ve no idea even if we are together. Seems going both ways.

    • lu6774 says:

      I’m a guy, and in a similar situation as yours.

      In my case, everything started perfectly, she was deeply in love, and one month into the relationship everything suddenly changed.

      She started ignoring my messages and not wanting to meet up. We haven’t even kissed in two months, but apparently she is still my girlfriend, and does send positive signals from time to time (makes me think “maybe she is starting to like me again?”).

      I believe, however, that my relationship is basically over. She seems to have emotionally left the relationship already. And it’s the same in your case –I assume you and your boyfriend already broke up by now.

  3. Young says:

    Ive been with my gf for 8yrs. And we have a beautiful boy together. Lately we hit a rough patch. I havent been home with them in 2 weeks. I visit my son alot. I just miss the family part. So i go back to work it out. She gets mad and say i havent listened to her. She ask for space and i keep botherin her and that she hasnt had a chance to miss me. She says she felt that was doin it all on her own even though i know thats not true. I mean i havent spent time and shown effort. But i have took care of them financially and im always home. She upset also cause we are not married yet. But i proposed and she said its bad timing cause we are not good yet. Im tryna fix it. I know its a test. But i really wanna pass it because i really miss my family. And my son needs us. No co-parenting but together. So lately ive been workin on me. What can i do to get us back.

    • Willydreadtv says:

      Ignore her …your kids will always be there for you …she knows your a family man and you miss the she’s using that against you …but she’s not showing you that she is…let her come to you her at her on game and you will see an improvement…if she says we are not married yet…then you reply your so right we are not…and leave the house like you have something more important to do and you will start to see how the table don’t start the mind games woman does …so its time to strategize buddy… dealing with a woman is like chess or checkers…think be you jump King me….or chess checkmate…every one has to make a calculated risk ???

  4. L C says:

    Hi Graham, I think you have spoken a lot of wisdom and that you speak out of love. It never fails to astound me the way that some people react to this kind of communication with such anger, even though it is not intended to provoke but to soothe. In terms of the content I have a point to add. Regardless of the progress we have made as a civilisation since caveman times, once a woman has a child the character of the man in her life will determine to a large extent the quality of her life from that point on. That is not just material necessities – is he the type to stick around and provide for the family? Or will he leave and not help with child support? But also emotional wellbeing (will he cheat? is he able to resolve conflict, communicate, show love?) and social wellbeing (single mothers are often stigmatised, and even if they are accepted research has shown that social dynamics are influenced by a woman’s marital status. This may go some way to explain how difficult it can be for a woman to attend social engagements with married couples as the only single person). I do not deliberately test men, but I am guarded and careful of who I give my heart to. I recently met a guy who I was very attracted to on the first date but on the second date he gave me the impression that he was only after something physical. When I got cranky on the date after that, he folded and gave up trying to win me. I lost respect for him after that. Despite trying to salvage things with a third date, I just couldn’t continue to be attracted to a man who I perceived as weak. I have dated men who I perceived as weak before and it never worked out. One of the things I know I need for a relationship to work is to respect the man I’m with. I also need to trust him. I don’t think it’s necessarily helpful to frame these types of interactions as testing, as if the woman is somehow ‘in control’ of it all. ‘Testing’ behaviour by a secure woman is a communication of insecurity not within herself but in the relationship. Somehow, a man’s behaviour has made her doubt that things are going to work out. The cure for that is to find ways to communicate to her that it will work out, if that is indeed what you want. I agree with you Graham that once a woman feels secure in her relationship, testing behaviour will disappear. A woman needs to know that she can be herself, and this includes responding to situations emotionally, and that her man will not abandon her when she does. A benefit to all you men who don’t like the idea of responding with love is that when a woman feels safe to respond to her man in her true emotions that also extends to the bedroom…

    • John says:

      Your last sentence made me angry. It is extremely arrogant for a woman to think that offering sex to a man will get him to put up with anything. Not true. Men are through being manipulated by women with sex. Please get over yourself.

      • Zack says:

        you COMPLETELY misinterpreted what she was saying in that last sentence. She is not saying that women use sex to manipulate guys.

        What she is saying is that once a women feels comfortable enough to act emotionally and not fear rejection, she can act more freely, which will deepen the connection of the two. WHICH TRANSLATES into the bedroom, meaning BETTER SEX.

        If a woman feels likes he will be rejected if she acts emotionally (her true self) she will not be able to open up and give her self to the man she is with. The connection will not be 100% which will translate into the opposite effect of the former.

        • J says:

          Zack, I am so glad you were able to catch this. Some men have anger towards women and this block their ability to see anything positive. They tend to look at things from a very defensive standpoint because they have allowed their resentments to build from one bad relationship to another. Instead of starting off with a clean slate in each new relationship attempt, he will carry over the negatives and the new woman by default is responsible for the actions of those before her. This creates a domino effect that snowballs with each new attempt (I may add that women do this as well!) It is important for people to take time to heal between relationships and not jump into another right away. They need to use that time to work on being more self aware and seek counseling if needed to process the hurt so that they don’t carry it with them everywhere they go.
          As for John’s reply: Like Zack said, for women sexual intimacy is very much tied to their emotions. For married couples (the only ones who should be having sex to begin with) if we women do not feel secure, safe, loved, understood, etc. in our relationship, this make physical intimacy unsatisfying if not impossible. Knowing your husband is your protector who loves you deeply and cares about your emotions (the healthy ones) can make even the slightest caress from him very intense. I am speaking mainly for those who have healthy relationships with open communication and trust, anything outside of that, ie shacking up, codependent, or manipulative relationships are a completely different set of problems waiting to happen.

    • C says:

      Calling it “testing” is for men, so we can understand the concept. Women don’t see it like that so you talk about it in different terms. That’s why you said you don’t test, but then went on to talk about when you tested someone. Nothing wrong with that it’s natural and normal, I’m just pointing out that men need to talk about it like the article does to understand the concept.

  5. George says:

    Pretty good article in fact. However much needs to be said in the literature about false positives in testing, or false (red) flags. Women sometimes test and he fails according to her when in fact he is not lacking in the given area. She interprets or presumes lack based on a snap judgement or bad criteria. That happens a lot I feel and it nullifies the of testing.

    I never thought about opening up as a man as a way to prevent testing. It makes sense. Women reciprocate. But again they sometimes interpret opening up as weakness.. hard to win. Gotta win. Life is only about winning and I’m not winning. In every area of my life I’m winning, career, house, hobbies, I’m 6’3 white male 34, lifting daily 13% body fat. I still can’t hardly win with women. All it takes is one though. For me. One good one.

    And what of what man wants? Is this just a gynocentric society (possibly on verge of collapse no less?) As a man I want woman to trust me. I can deal with some tests. I have to know her too after all. Is she reliable? Consistent? Not flaky? Will she tie up my time? It’s a 2 way street, but I don’t resort to games or moodiness. Amazingly I’ve never been in a real relationship my whole life. I don’t want to speak ill of freedom, but it’s not the be all and end all

    • Willowandy says:

      In that sense, yes, if somebody judges people on quick tests, well then they get somebody who is good at passing quick tests.

      That is not necessarily somebody who is good in the long run. Key for me is to see somebody who possesses a patience on that point.

  6. Dale williams says:

    My problem is my girlfriend tests me by saying she want to get drunk and fuck the hell out of some guy and i get lite angery with her what can i do to stop that lite anger

    • J says:

      Chances are that if she lacks self control and will actually say that to your face, she is most likely already doing it behind your back and she is just looking for reassurance that it is okay with you to soothe her conscience by seeing how you react.
      Clearly she is insecure and has no self control or respect for you. Leave now take some time and find a nice woman who is decent. Tip: meeting people at bars is a bad idea.

  7. Tom says:

    Omg…. Wonem are insane.

    I just filter and filter and filter and meet hundreds until i find the ones that do NOT do this stuff…

    • Tom says:

      For sure. There is no excuse for the stupidity or lack of self control. This psychotic behavior this writer of this Web is misleading what a strong real woman is . His woman is pathetic. Something we should all run from..

  8. Michael says:

    In a painful pickle here. Kind of a long story, but I think the details matter. I am a university student. Got a sudden friend request from a girl I did not know. 3 years younger, 11th grade, lives only with her father-mother works in another country. We were very much alike,listened the same music, liked the same books etc. only difference being that I held an edge over her knowledge, soshe listened to me most of the time. We texted for about two weeks. Then we met. Then she started texting even more, almost daily. Second date. Over the next two dates we were to go to a concert. Went there. Hugged, spoke intimately all nice. She did seem quite afraid, so I did not kiss her. She did text,telling that I should have.Then she went to her mother for a week. She literally started every conversation, sent pics of her trips, said that she liked me alot etc-spoke daily for almost three hours. She came back. We met a few days later. She seemed in a hurry. Had a walk,kissed her a few times. Left. No message that day. Next day either. Asked her if something was wrong. said that it went a bit too quick, and that she wanted us to remain friends. What the hell. When I kissed her, she did not held beck During the concert, when asked if we are advancing too fast,she said no. She even added that she liked me fortwo years,since we were at the same school.Nows he is ice cold. She responds,but delayed-almost unwillingly tomake a conversation. Not sure what to do.

    • Mark says:

      She might have met someone she thinks she likes more. Try to not get entirely focused on one girl, when she is not entirely focused on you.

    • Whatyoudidwrong says:

      Your mistake was texting/calling her & asking if something was wrong.
      You should have relaxed. Enjoyed yourself. Hung with your friends. Focused on what you want out of life. Engaged in your hobbies.
      Eventually she would have reached out to you. That’s a woman’s way of letting you know she’s available. That’s a woman’s way of letting you know she wants your love. Your job then would have been to ask her out or bust a move.

      • J says:

        No, the chick was a psycho.

        In this case nothing he did was/would be right because she has issues. She was like a bull in a china shop the way she was in and out of his life in a flash. People like this are only concerned with their needs.

  9. Marl says:

    Hello, so my girlfriend and I have hit a rough patch. It’s completely draining me
    Emotionally. I need so advice. I continuously hurt her feelings and I really regret it. So she turned around and said that she needs space. I asked if
    I was loosing her and she said no
    I asked if she was done
    With me she said no. But she acts
    Very cold. This has been going on for almost 2 weeks. I get mixed signs. During the first days we weren’t talking much. I tried to talk to her and she would just ignore me so I turned around and stopped
    Contacting her she then text me 2 nights ago (Tuesday) saying “hello” I didn’t reply… She text me again saying “I understand sorry I bothered”

    Didn’t text back either.
    The next day which was Wednesday she didn’t contact me
    Till she saw I was out with friends and random girls. She got jealous.

    Then Thursday night we talked on the phone she said she wasn’t sure she wanted to give me a chance, she also mentioned that she has given me all this time
    To see what I would do, I told her I didn’t do anything or sent anything cause she said she needed space so I respected her Decision. That’s when she said that she told me it was okay for me to send her things. I guess she wants to see effort.
    So Thursday she started talking to me more. Texting and what not but still distant. Then today we texted but still distant. I sent her a edible arrangement. She liked. Said thank you and whatnot.

    We’ve talked on the phone today. She’s hot and cold. I asked to see her she said no we don’t see eye to eye right now. I asked if we can get along and she said no whenever she’s ready.
    I asked her if she wanted me
    Out of her life she said no.

    I forgot
    To mention. Thursday morning I asked for another chance she said she wasn’t sure cause she doesn’t want to go through the pain I put her through again. I told her I’d change and she then said I’ve said that before.

    At this point I’m not sure. She doesn’t wanna let me
    Is she just testing me? What should I do? Help! Please. I love this girl so much.

    • Sisekelo says:

      hi, Marl. how did it go with your girlfriend? I am in the same situation. she told me she needed space because I”did’nt trust her”. she had been distant. I don’t text or call her anymore. she asked me to stop texting and calling

  10. Neil says:

    I loved my classmate at my 10 th grade. I didn’t knew I loved her until she avoided me. We were almost together all the time . She lives near to me and we see in our school and neighborhood. and our relationship as friends was good.One day she asked me whether I loved her or not. I answered no. Being good friends and a yes would take me apart from her.and we just moved happily. While the mean time in came to know She was in love with another person I asked her she never admitted it.he was in my school and a completion rose between us he always mocked me that he would win her. And one day he asked her to leave me and she did so.she didn’t talked to me for a week and finally came back again. This continued for months and in new year eve we both called her to go with. He was the first to ask and she had agreed to go with him.when I asked she said she had agreed to go with him and consoled me not to go for a fight with him . He was mocking me the mean time. Irritating me always. I knew her boy personally that he was playing prank on her and finally after a month he ended her up without no reason. She was good to me although she was loving him ; which I didn’t believe. He came with her and asked to me if you love her you can and he was moving on. And she talked to me that she was in love and is over and is going to have a new start.i was damn optimistic that time and kept silence. As she talked about this love for first and last time I thought she would need time to move on I gave her month. Meanwhile She was chatting in Facebook and found a boy who she has never met before who is much younger than her ;but he not good at looks. And I knew by my friends that they went out together. I called her on phone asking about the boy she was pretty cool and talked to me a lot and I was not ready to give up as last time.week after was my birthday and she didn’t even make a phone to me. I was upset and tried to talk to her she was not willing to talk and was talking all crap to me. I have loved her from bottom of her heart but still and I decided to say that I loved you and If you don’t want me you won’t see me. At that moment she said that she was testing me and credited me that I was very tolerant.and all was fine and I was loving her sincerely and months passed by and I was on trip and brought a gift to her after trip. But she was so moody and not speaking to me well I didn’t knew what happened for her. I gave her gift but she was refusing to accept it and finally took in hand and but was complaining on why should I bring such a gift for friend and I said that because I like you but she said then gift to all of your friends pointing at my other friends. Me expecting good from her had storm of her harsh words and finally she again said you should move away from me and said she is not a girl that I m thinking of and said she liked me and never wanted me to contact her. I asked should I hate you she didn’t replied I found my Facebook and whatsapp accounts were blocked. After a month I called her to give her some details about her exams which was with me . She has not yet made any contact with me. I have chance to see her but my academics are a low presently ; she always wanted me to perform well and encouraged me a lot and her birthday is by the start of May should I wish her and talk to her.

  11. David says:

    Hi Graham,

    Thoroughly enjoyed your article, however what distinguishes a person who cares greatly about her girlfriend and one who is a punching bag? When my gf appears to be upset, I contact her and persist in showing her my love even if she wants to ignore me and I apologises when I am in the wrong. In short, how do I avoid being a punching bag while still showing my girlfriend that I care? Thanks.

  12. Carter says:

    Does the testing ever end? Do women ever STOP playing mind games?

    Just wondering if these issues continue after marriage?

    • Willowandy says:

      Carter – one should not marry somebody who plays more mind games than you are comfortable with.

      So yes, either they will continue or they will not be there in the first place, because you choose not to be with somebody who plays too many of them for your taste.

    • John says:

      The testing will never end. The female mind can never be settled. They love drama too much, and they hate themselves too much to every believe that someone loves them. It’s best to completely ignore women.

  13. Dimitri says:

    To be a Man is a discovery journey, some of it is great, some is good, and some is less so. Some of them never start it, some stop too often, some go very far, and some keep going. I thank women for the variety they bring to my life.

  14. Nirmal says:

    Hi, i am having a big trouble in getting over a girl, i have avoided her in my life first because of my health problems, i made her hurt for this decision that she should not suffer any of my life’s experience i went through, i am now taking care of my health and everything around me and even working on a lifestyle for her, but the last msg from her, she scolded me well & asked to leave her alone, i can’t think of nothing else except that’s my soul i am living it alone hanging around all by herself, i really wanna move on in my life, but i can’t how long can i let her be ,please help.

  15. Anthony says:

    I have something going on in my life. i recently had a bit of a argument with my girlfriend at the end she end up saying “we can’t be together becuz you don’t understand me and i don’t understand her” so i simply reply to her i understand and i respect your decision. now it has been 3-4 days she never communicate with me but she sends many hints in FB and she liking my post etc… i’m not sure if she is testing me for something or not… last hit she gave me was “Believe in the spirit of love… it can heal all things. don’t stop giving love even if you don’t receive it. smile and have patience”

    i’m sorry about my grammar i’m not that good in english 🙂

    Thank you all

    • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

      Thank for your comment, Anthony. Yes, she is testing you because she is not sure she can trust that your love will stay strong. It is not about what you say, it’s about how you are. This is subtle but very important. You need to show by your behaviour that you will love her no matter happens. You must not be thrown off by her feminine behaviour.

      She said, “don’t stop giving love even if you don’t receive it. smile and have patience.” She is showing you how to proceed. Love her and let her find her trust and come back to you. I can’t tell you how to do this because I don’t know what she sees in you that makes her not trust you. There will be something, though.

      Good luck and let us know how it goes.


      • Anthony says:

        Hi Graham
        Thank you for your lovely reply… but right now i don’t know what i should do. 3 days no communication should i send her a message? or just ignore and give her space?

        All i can say is she is going crazy over me and used to check on me every minute…

        • Graham Reid Phoenix says:


          Do what you want to do and stop just responding to her. Perhaps just tell her that you love her? Yes, give her space but don’t ignore her. Take the initiative and don’t expect or demand anything from her. Find a way to just love her…


          • Anthony says:

            I have never been in love before and i’m not good with love… you said “stop responding to her” that means i should not send her any messages is that correct?

            lastly you said Find a way to just love her… i’m not sure how i’m gonna do that if i can’t contact her…

            Should i like her post on her FB ? the hints that she is sending me… or i should send some hints back…

            I’m so sorry to drag this conversation graham but this is just me it takes long time for me to get a clear understanding on something. 🙁

          • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

            It means stop sending messages that are just responding to her. Send your own messages, take the lead. It took me half my life to work this out but I must say I enjoyed the process. Don’t expect to understand it straight away, just let go and have fun. If love is not enjoyable it is not worth it.

          • Anthony says:

            Hi Graham,
            Here is the good news, she message me.

            She: “Did you miss me” “No Right”
            Me: “YES”
            She: “Are you sure?”
            She:If you miss me and love me why didn’t you Mes’g me?
            Me: You are the once who decide we can’t be together so i respected your decision.

            Now she slowly starting to check on me once everyday asking if i had my food? how am i etc…

            Any advice next? 🙂

            Many thanks graham

  16. Hasheem says:

    Hi Nick,
    I am in a sort of problem. I think you can suggest me and help me in this situation. I actually have crush on my classmate. I have shared many things with her even about me ex-lovestory…because there was nothing much to be feel bad to share about it… I said i want my class mate as friend and i used to msg her dialy to her whatsapp…everyday i used to sit near her workstation.. after a while she said infront of my friends that i am little irritating…mean she said i am calling her….texting her… I actually had a habit of questing detailed and saying sorry if i feel i had hurt them…
    When I came to know this I broke out into anger and asked her about this. she replied that she wont text me anymore as if she is becoming a problem whenever i text to her…actually I haveto say that dialogue…
    i left speaking to her for a month….from two days I have started talking to her…she said that she ready to talk with me if i will talk to her…but even if i message her she is not replying me…. i came to know she is calling to my friend and talked to him….but she didn;t msg me…in class she pretends normally…i really want her…i don’t want to loose her… if i will propose her she will really reject me…please suggest me any solution so that i can make her to love me….i am good at studies…and average…my color is lttle black….she is little white…wheat color…. does it matter….i want her to stop talkiing to my classmate and start talking to me…. I love her a lot….please nick help me

    • Monica Brown says:

      This is not Nick responding but from a woman’s prospective, the more you appear needing and clingy, the more you will push her away from you because she will look at you as a potential controlling mechanism and strong women does not like to feel they are are been controlled. If your feelings have grown and you like her and want to be with her and if she is available, then let her know, the worst that could happen is that she says she does not need a relationship right now and that does not mean she never will need a relationship anytime soon, that simply means she does not need a relationship with you, nicely put. But if you sit and do nothing, then nothing will happen even if the chances of it happening was possible, maybe she also likes your classmate more than she likes you.

      • abdul haseem says:

        After that we spoke well to each other….we attended one of our friends marriage, there she acted as if she likes me. When one of my friends said something bad to me she scolded him. That 1week she spoke very well with me. If I used to stop talking for a while she used to ask anyone to make me to speak with her. She spoke about me infront of my friends praising me that am good at coding. On the day of marriage she praised me. She did this even though she knew that am loving her because there was a rumor about me. At last weekday night I called her 3times at that time she was with my classmate I don’t know what they spoke to each other but frm next day she stopped talking to me. Before three days my friends made a prank call to me that her marriage is fixed. I was tensed and started calling everyone. But my friend said that this was done infront of her and she knew everything and she was laughing for this, for my tension towards her. But now we are not speaking to each other. She is watching me in middle of the classes when I will be passing through her to my friends workstation. My friends are saying she is not interested. I am thinking that after I get a good job with high package may be she might get interested in meanwhile if she has something feel about me. So I stopped talking to her from a week till 4 months….can you please suggest me some plans so that I can get make use of it to make her feel that loosing me is her foolish thing….plzzzzzz kindly do reply

      • haseem says:

        After that we spoke well to each other….we attended one of our friends marriage, there she acted as if she likes me. When one of my friends said something bad to me she scolded him. That 1week she spoke very well with me. If I used to stop talking for a while she used to ask anyone to make me to speak with her. She spoke about me infront of my friends praising me that am good at coding. On the day of marriage she praised me. She did this even though she knew that am loving her because there was a rumor about me. At last weekday night I called her 3times at that time she was with my classmate I don’t know what they spoke to each other but frm next day she stopped talking to me. Before three days my friends made a prank call to me that her marriage is fixed. I was tensed and started calling everyone. But my friend said that this was done infront of her and she knew everything and she was laughing for this, for my tension towards her. But now we are not speaking to each other. She is watching me in middle of the classes when I will be passing through her to my friends workstation. My friends are saying she is not interested. I am thinking that after I get a good job with high package may be she might get interested in meanwhile if she has something feel about me. So I stopped talking to her from a week till 4 months….can you please suggest me some plans so that I can get make use of it to make her feel that loosing me is her foolish thing….plzzzzzz kindly do reply

        • haseem says:

          she actually don’t like to have love, but she helped her bestfriend in love. She actually fears about her family may be she will loose them….but I don’t want to loose her…

    • J says:

      You sound very young. Live your life and quit focusing on one person. You need to figure out who you are first before you take relationships too seriously (and no I don’t mean search for casual sex or anything like that)
      Finish school, live your life, find a career become establish in your life and as an adult. Make sure that you are a whole person and you will naturally attract a healthy mate to marry and have a family with.

      Go on dates, but don’t let it take over your life, at this point you don’t really know what you want or what you need.

      • hasheem says:

        I have a job and She too has a job. In middle we met again. Some forces are making us to separate. She now hates me for no reason. Even I wont to know what was the reason but she doesn’t tell it me directly. But I am really missing her.

  17. John says:

    I find a website contadictin about female behaviors and heres another one saying they arent ment to be understood , so in theory this article
    is b.s. In my opinion all women test men and no matter how long you been together she will always find ways to slip between the cracks and pull sneaky deceiving thoughts and tactics,a man who plays with womens emotions , as of acting like he cares telling her everything she wants to hear gets what he wants and needs will always have her heart and mind, the good guys who stick around and who become real honest guys are boring and offer up no challenge which kills attraction for a female and only stay for security until Mr.Player gets a hold of her next thing you know you lost , they will develop every excuse known to man to blame you for dumb shit and take all you worked for to run off with Mr.I dont give a F×=K. Witnessed it to many times in my lifetime. Bottom line Dont trust any of them , i dont care how long you been togethe4 or how many children you have deep down their never happy and the one whos to blame is always the guy by her side.

  18. Realitycheck says:

    ‘The sad truth is that men are flaky at the best of times and downright hypocritical at others. We shift and change, we get irritated (often by the very testing that is designed to resolve the situation) and our needs remain undeclared’. Are you saying this behaviour is the sole preserve of men? That is an incredibly sweeping statement and blatant misandry. The whole thrust of your article is that accountability and demonstrations of trust reside purely with men within a relationship. Can you respond and tell me what obligations a female holds for a successful, loving relationship to work?

    • Nick says:

      No one should be a mental nurse for a woman or man , if woman test like that all the time move on what a waste of time effort and romace.. People should know what they don,t want..!!! from the start

    • J. Levi says:

      Wrong Nick. This is designed inside of a woman. If you can read, that’s clearly what she means, and it’s true. With all of them. I must ask your age. If you dont get it soon, you’re not going to. The woman, a wealer vessel in some areas, is where guys have to be stronger. The shear ignorance, forgetfulness, and big kid that lives forever, is where we have the better deal. Along with pissing standing up, not having to wear a bra, have periods or experience labor pains, thank God. Testing comes from insecurities and wanting certainty. Get pissed, or run off… Guess what? You didn’t care enough. Not the woman. You may have had a bad experience and that sucks.. Been there. There are female and male whores out there. Let them find each other. If you’re on a roller coaster with a faithful woman, you’re with a REAL woman. It’s part of a woman love it or hate it. Dont hate it it too much! I’ll be sending you my wife’s old playgirl mags. (Jk)
      Good luck in the future, & if you find a woman who says she loves you and then backs off some, or there’s a change in the relationship. Here’s what to do… Go with it. If she wants to leave she’ll say so. Stand strong, because it’s also very possible she’s going through something she’ll never speak of because as a guy you wouldn’t understand anyway. Love doesn’t give up that easy. You’re the leader as far as giving that security, but follow her lead when mixed emoitions come or “testing” that is built in buy God for our own good to become more compasionant. This advice is not directed just at you, but noticing your largely mistaken generalization, it seemed like a good place to fit it. Next time your on that roller coaster with one that you really care about, and you hit one of those big dips that hits your gut… Hold on tight to her, and always get in the same seat. Good luck, God bless…
      Hammmer time!

  19. ora exacta says:

    Am aflat aceasta pagina, dupa ce am cautat despre How Women Test
    Men – How Do Men Respond? pe Google. Se pare
    ca informatia dvs e foarte valoroasa, mai ales ca am
    mai gasit aici si despre ora, ora exacta, lucruri interesante
    si folositoare. Mult succes in continuare!

  20. Justin says:

    My ex did this well past the dating phase, regardless of the fact that my confidence and resolve never wavered and I always made myself available and sensitive to her needs, even telling her how I felt about her tests, all while not resorting to negative reinforcement. I dropped her after one too many tests (a separation she initiated and was waiting for me to resolve). It was a close female friend of mine who gathered she was testing me and said that it was not right. My friend is what I consider a strong, secure woman, and she worked on HERSELF when she realized she was doing this to her husband (bf at the time), who is a good and kind man who works very hard to provide for his family. She realized he didn’t deserve that treatment (her words). She is now happily married with a newborn girl. Now I have a fiance, who I dated on and off for the past 5 years, who appreciates me, trusts me, and is the picture of a strong, confident women who doesn’t use me as a crutch for her own insecurity, who never makes me the target of unjust scrutiny, and who *GASP* is even willing to support me when I need it. I love her endlessly, and she knows how far I am willing to go to make her happy, so she feels no need to put me through any more tests. She is a real woman, and a wonderful, mature person. Suggesting that women are “wired” a certain way and shouldn’t be held accountable for an immature and maladaptive coping method (I.e. their “inescapable baser instincts”) is not only patronizing to the countless women who have taken the initiative to approach life with more self awareness, it implies the rather sexist narrative that women should not be trusted to exercise emotional control, therefore it is up to men to realize this and adapt accordingly.

    • Peter says:

      I think this is spot on. Insecurity is not attractive regardless of gender, and it really isn’t worthwhile investing in someone who can only undermine and never build trust with their partner, not to mention the issue of trying to raise children with that going on.

  21. Dennis says:

    Great article!! Absolutely true and advice you can only give through experience. I’m in the process of working on something long term and it was refreshing to read this article. A great quote, ‘Women are meant to be loved not understood.’

    Women are very moody by nature and the moment we let ourselves become affected by their ups and downs we lose.

  22. Qozar says:

    Dear Graham,
    Thanks for your relationship coach update.
    I have this girl I was referred to by a friend. I took time to study her online profile and discovered that we share common goals. I called her and told her, how I knew about her. She was pleased and gave me a welcoming hand. After a week, she stopped picking my calls but I was faithful in my daily texts messages and love poems to her. But I later gave up on her because because she doesnt reply.
    But my mind became magnetise to her that I always think of her. I assumed maybe she’s of a higher social class than I do, so I excused myself from her and became more focused to my career.
    But not withstanding, she remains my dream girl because of the similarity I saw in her.
    However, my friend who happens to be her relation persuaded me to keep pushing and not to give up. Its over four months I spoke to her, so write now I took the courage and called her and proposed marriage to her. She was amazed, complained but at the end friendship was initiated. The relationship became rosy but after a week, she stopped picking my calls again. But am still texting her and am planning on how to go for a date with her. Also to express my love for her not only in words but in actions.
    So please Sir, should we refer to this as her lack of interest in me, change of mind or is she testing me?
    I want to hear your counsel on this to know if I should keep pushing or let go?
    Thank you.

    • Harry says:

      I think a lot of this testing business is all about the woman seeking attention, and if she does not receive positive attention she will seek negative attention by starting fights. Women will also try to make a man compete for her attention in a variety of ways, and she may even openly disrespect him in order to try and give him an aggressive negative spike, in order to bring out his aggressive and dominant side. Sometimes they get more than they thought they were asking for, though.

    • Donovan says:

      She’s not interested dude, you came on too strong and it looked needy… learn from this and next time don’t send any poems or blow her phone up with text messages

  23. MACK says:

    Never ever ever I repeat ever let a women test you as soon as you see a sign of it run she will make your life misery and expect you to be a little dog that jumps through hoops be a real man and leave her to her childish nonsense.

  24. Kathryn says:

    I am a girl and Graham has it spot on. A woman needs to feel totally safe and secure with a man that he will stay by her through her ‘testing’ and through a real crisis. If the man gets angry, withdraws, sulks or anything else other than staying with her then what is he for?

    • reaility says:

      You are right, you are a girl not a woman. No decent man will bother with you as your language suggests you see a man’s role as being subservient to your needs and whim, rather than your partner. Girls play trust games, woman communicate.

    • Alberto says:

      Have fun being alone with your immature manipulative games guys who just leave will say next and look for someone else remember guys women are to chicken to approach us men all a guy needs to do is say fuck rejection and aproach aproach work on your speaking skills and you won’t have to let manipulattive women test you with immature games like if your a toy the only guys that this happens to is to the guys who are scared of approaching so they have no option men be a real men and say next and stand your ground don’t let any one manipulate you

    • Pat says:

      You are very right, I had some testing as you described. So she stopped testing me or answering my texts (she did that testing twice), so what I did after I texted her twice in a week, I just stopped texting. One week after, I received a text from her asking me “Are you angry”. To which I answered “No not at all”. Then we started texting again and now are dating.

      But I understand why women do that as it is unfortunately frequent that just after a few days of “Testing”, some men start to be angry and demanding. To be angry for so little shows that a man cannot handle a relation.

      In my case that woman was divorced with two kids, so it is perfectly normal she was very cautious

  25. Aziz says:

    Hey Graham, I read your post and thought it was great. I’ve been hanging out with this Mexican girl and in the beginning I thought we really like each other but then I got busy with my studies and didn’t get to see her for a while and now when I text her, she replies after a really long time and doesn’t even bother asking any questions. She’s probably busy studying for the finals. I did ask her to study with me but then she told me she is going surfing. And then today she switched off her wifi, not replying to my texts. I don’t know what happened. All of a sudden she doesn’t seem very keen. I am really confused. I really don’t know what to do. I am thinking of calling her.

    • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

      Hi Aziz, thanks for your comment, it’s great to understand how my writing is appreciated. The key to your question is what do YOU want? For a moment and forget her. What do you want as a man? Once you know this then work out if she fits into that. If so go for it and she will be fascinated by the difference in you. If not look elsewhere. But understand this is about you not her.

  26. Mary298 says:

    Well in my opinion there is no reason to test men, as you can see his feelings in his behaviour. But I think the strength of your relationships is tested when you are on distance from each other. In this case it’s really good if you are registered on some dating site, you chat and don’t see each other for a long time, and when you finally meet with your couple you see whether he really loves you, whether he is ready to wait. So in my opinion the only way to test your couple is to be on distance with him and to date him only online till there comes a moment to meet, only then you’ll recognise the real feelings

  27. Muyiwa Green says:

    Mr Graham,i enjoyed your particle.Straight to the point, i am 29 years of age,am in love with a lady of 22 years of age.We made a contact late last year.I told her straight i like her and i would need to know her more,so we can be friends and be in relationship.Her response at first was encouraging as she gave me her contact online.Anyway i contact her online but her response was lukewarm.I called her phone often,upon picking it as she discovered it’s me,she would either cut the phone on me,scold me or pick the phone without responding.I wonder such a sudden indifference as i made every attempt at getting her attention to know my feelings.Recently this year, i approach her in her relative’s shop, she scolded and turn me off.I sent some messages to her online and on phone to know my feelings and my love to her.She only saw them without giving me a reply.Should i supppose she was testing me all this while.Am curious to know something,help me out sir

    • andrew says:

      Muyiwa i am not an expert but it sounds like you havent established a relationship with her so her testing may in fact be a lack of interest in you. When a woman likes you she will give you signals that encourage you to pursue. If she likes you and gives you no signals at all then she is probably a troubled girl and maybe find someone who does show interest and put your energies into her. Trust me she will test you sufficiently over time so you wont miss out 🙂

  28. Leila says:

    P.s. I do have some insecurities of my own and I am working on them. Sometimes they confuse me bacause I wonder if my intuition in testing him is because of my insecurity or because of what is happening in my relationship. But the good thing is I am working on personal growth and I’ve spent a lot of time trying to understand how men like to be treated and communicated with. If you have two people who really care about each other, working with each other magical. It is still scary though and doing the test I did scares me because I know my partner may think I am insecure and run away but something drove me to ask the questions I asked.

    • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

      But you do have some insecurities as a woman which should not make your partner run away. You are a woman and it sounds as if he understands that. Don’t beat yourself up, it’s what too many women do.

  29. Leila says:

    I am a woman and I asked some questions of my partner when i was feeling vulnerable about his feelings for me. I realise now I was testing him. It also hurt me to ask him these questions, because I feel deeply for him. All I want to do is be loyal to him and respect him. I needed to know if he felt the same about me too. Your words are so kind and beautiful and you are right. If a man takes the time to show his lady she can really trust him, she will open up to him and love him and want to surrender to him. This man is confident and kind and so far has shown me trust which is why I want to respect him deeply and treat him like a king.

    • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

      Great comment, Leila. You show what can happen when you trust him, because he is trustworthy. Thank you.

  30. Jacob says:

    I was getting on really well with this girl and I really liked her because she made me feel motivated! like no other!!! anyway there was something about this girl that made me insecure. I moved out of town to work because I thought that is what I needed to do to impress her, boy I was wrong. I ended up making her very sad because she just wanted to hang out with me and she had no one else because they were busy.

    after I moved away she still talked to me and started convos and skype calls but one night she started talking to me and didn’t reply for a while because she was playing video games. I got really frustrated because of a load of crap going wrong in my life and I called her a name without even knowing what I did.

    she stopped talking to me then randomly sent me a “.” dot one night, we sorted things out that night but not completely. after then it’s been test after test and I fail all, I don’t know how to deal with them(I never knew about these tests at the time). she breaks it off with me and then msgs me later the week. anyway I think I failed too much and she stopped for 2 weeks now.

    So I want know what you can tell me about this girl?
    And is there anyway to pass these test if fail once?

    • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

      It’s not about the girl, it’s about you. You need to deal with your insecurity and show her that she can rely on you.

  31. john says:

    Hi there I have problems with my girlfriend . She seems to believe that she is always right when we have an argument . I love her and want to be with her but if we live together again she will be verbally abusive around me if I argue
    with her mostly over silly topics . Now that I live alone we both still want each
    other , we miss each other . She wants us to be friends and get to know one another as she believes we rushed into the relationship . I want to hold her and work things out as a partner not a buddy .

  32. Beyond Say says:

    Men in general are egotistical, arrogant, and narcissistic, some of them play this male coolness where they act like aliens who do not understand how Earthlings talk to one another. A man will stay quiet around his woman, but let him get near a group of men, especially at a card game. ball game, or strip club. You see a whole different man. Men are play games with women more than women do. We women need to be aware of this. And yet men spread this myth that it is women who play games.

    . But the point is, if men would open their mouths and stop acting like they have a deep dark secret made of gold, and tell women up front how they feel, as we tell them, then women would not have to play the “What are you thinking’ game with them.
    What is the purpose in men acting like stoops anyway? How much money do they win, in their “keep silent” game that makes women distrust them. 12:50 pm 4-26-14

    • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

      Hmmm… Maybe you have a bit of a hangup and need to look at why you only see men like this. Life is a mirror…

  33. Bill says:

    My wife wants me to look for another job to see if I can make more money so she does not have to work part time. Our are children are grown and out of the house. I love my job and im good at it. It seems like a love test to me.
    how should I respond?

    • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

      What do you want to do? Will it help if she does not have to work any more? Why do you want stay in your job and not set out on an adventure Look at your own motives.

  34. Kenny says:

    Great article, all of this is true. Women test men for just that reason, so see if they are men and how congruent they are. They are hardwired to do this and it is not difficult to pass their tests…just learn to have an abundance of women and you won’t give a damn when they test you.

    • amit says:

      i m totally agree with you…
      let’s think from a girl’s perspective..” wow what a handsome guy, ohk! interested in me!! why not to test him whether he is fit for me..
      ohk this guy is…now i can love him… ”
      every stuff whatever we read in internet can never have anything to do with what we call “love”..and the reason is, there are very less people who know what love is……remaining all are fake, nothing else..

    • Jeff says:

      Women test? We do test too! But we do it in a gentle way. If a girl is constantly testing you, just get rid of her!

  35. Eric Orleman says:

    If you honestly think you are creating a healthy relationship by having a woman constantly having her test you for reassurance due to her own insecurities and past baggage… I say good luck to that. You can’t fix a broken woman, she has to fix herself. A pillar for a great relationship is trust, by her testing your feelings when you put yourself out there, just makes me not trust her with my feelings. Nice try on the article though.

    • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

      It’s not about a woman being broken, it’s about trust. She is not testing your feelings she testing your strength as a man. If that doesn’t work for you, OK… How is your relationship?

  36. HENRY says:

    I’ve known this girl for 8 years , but the whole time was in a relationship which is why I think we were able to become actual friends. Her relationship didn’t go so well and eventually left him to be on her own. In the last year we’ve been attached at the hip but never crossed the line but did notice myself becoming physically attracted to her more and more to the point that I had to hold my arm down from reaching over to her and holding her close. Why because I really dont want to make her react quickly and then see it as a mistake being that she is still getting use to the idea of being single and seems to be really taking it in as a moment of her life to see who she really is as a single woman. Where as last month I really thought she was starting to open up to the idea of being close, that one night we were at a house party and we were sitting close and started talking closely and she started to cry. I pulled her in close and held her tight, which eventually led to me giving her a foot rub, then a leg massage which then really caught attention of the other guest. We were asked to leave and went back to her place and really just passed out into sleep. Time after that she brought up that night and said that it was the worst night ever and didn’t remember anything good from that night, I reminded her and she said that it was a mistake and wouldn’t let that happen again. I asked her if I continued to pursue her what she would do, and she said that she blows up when guys try to get close to her emotionally and turn their backs on her when they find this out. I told her that I wasn’t going anywhere regardless of how she responded to me. After this I told myself that she continues to test me by shooting me down and seeing if I show my true colours and tell her off or walk away to find a more willing girl. Is she testing me? I feel every time she’s hard on me I become a bit stronger . But I worry I’m blindly positive about her.

    • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

      I suspect that she’s not testing you but trying to work through her own issues. Testing only happens when she is deeply interested in you and she wants to make sure it is safe. Just be strong in yourself and see where it goes.

  37. Curious says:

    I found a lot of what I read in this article to be true. So on that note, the author has scored some points with me. Yet, when it comes to the idea of letting a woman test you, especially when she seems emotionally unstable or chronically indecisive, I wasn’t agreeing with the author all that much. An emotionally unhealthy woman will not simply “test” you to get closer to you, but will keep testing for the wrong reasons. One of them is narcissism. I met a lot of women who were either abused or hurt by men and in turn have built up this great narcissistic tendency in order to overcompensate. They dress up like they’re fashion models or they reveal their sexy cleavage so that they can attract men’s attention. Then when men react to their inviting looks or behaviors, they “swat” it down. I know that this is essentially what the author is calling a “test,” but the problem is that this type of test isn’t something designed to move the relationship forward. She wasn’t test you to get to know you. She was simply testing you for the superficial satisfaction of getting attention from you (and other men she does this to) but never having any idea what she really wants. These are typically the chronically single women, who can’t seem to decide on what they really want, or who’ve never been able to hone the art of reading clues and signs from the man.
    Now, the continuum is very broad when it comes to the degree of narcissistic dysfunction: all the way from flirtatious greetings that elicit a slight warmth in a guy’s heart to dressing up like a porn star that make every Dick and John’s head turn. I know that this author is trying to focus on a certain pattern of traits all women fall into when it comes to dealing with men, but nevertheless, the author misses one simple point: every woman responds differently to individual men. For instance, I’ve met a flakey woman who was flakey because she was insecure of and intimidated by men who she thought were handsome. I’ve also met flakey women who were that way because she wanted to see if she could control the guy by turning him into a sap. If he was one, she would use him. If he wasn’t she would simply ignore him. Typically, what I found to be common amongst above average women in the looks department was that they tend to flirt first, pull back, then watch how the guy reacts. If the man responds too fast or too eagerly, she will interpret that as someone who is desperate or isn’t sought after by women too much.

    • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

      You are right about emotionally unhealthy women, that is not testing. I am talking about stable women in a relationship. Thank you for your helpful comment.

  38. Peter Parker says:

    Hi, first of all. Thank you for your amazing website. I’ve been in a 7 years relationship. It has been a relationship with honesty, secure and passion. Then she left me. And it hurt me badly. Then I suddently realise, that it was quite opposite. I was very dishonest and never gave her the security and passion she deserve, because of my insecurity and I hurt her very much.

    What i’ve learn from this website and experience in life in general. Women test men is excactly because they are extremely afraid of beeing hurt. You must know your security over yourself. Know what you want in life and how you manage your life, thats the key to a womans heart (to get to my heart is get past my stomache, that’s true ;-)). And show her the reason you want her with 100% brutal honesty.

    But I’ve a problem. I’m well educated, charming, have a secure job and good income, women find me very attractive, but i always failing in tests. Emotionally, i’m not over my past relationship and i’m not sure i had matured yet. Should i pursue a new relationship with brutal honesty? or should I wait for beeing emotionally ready? And when do i know i’ve matured?

    Thank you again.

  39. Berry Mojito says:

    Dear Graham Phoenix
    Such a helpful article. Hope you can give me some advices.
    I’m in love with a girl. She’s 23 and I’m 24. I met her in an English class 5 months ago. jundging from the outside, she’s very confident, active and sweet. However, I realize, little by little, that she is lonely, insicurity and lacks confidence because of bad experience in the past. I don’t want her to run away from me so hided my feelings and stand by her side to support her. Last week, she suddenly asked me if I loved her and i confessed all my feelings for her. She said she let me into her life cause she feels safe and confident when I’m with her; but she refused it is love. She assumes that she is not worthy because of her past. Frist she said she didn’t need anything from me and leave her alone in her own world. At the end of our conversation, she told me to stay where I am and wait. She promised she would stop running.
    Is she testing me? What should I do? She is still sweet with me when we are alone toghether.
    Thank you.
    PS : I’m still working on my English.

    • Thank you for your comment, Berry. Most of us are, deep down, lonely, insecure and lack confidence. I like that you stand by her side supporting her. You shouldn’t need to hold back your feelings, but you need to take care of how you express them. She wants to know if you love her because she needs to trust you in a deep and confident way. She doesn’t think it’s love in her because she doesn’t feel she is worthy of love, but you know that. When she told you to stay and wait, that is her way of expressing love for you. Yes, she is testing you because she wants to know if your love is real, she wants to know if you will stay around. But she is also testing herself, can she trust what she feels, is she worthy of your love.

      What you need to do is hold fast to what you feel and don’t expect anything in return. If you truly love her you can wait, you’ve plenty of time. She will open open up slowly but only if you remain constant and true to her. She clearly has not been able to trust men in her life to date, give her the opportunity to change this view of men, allow her to trust you.

  40. Annoyed says:

    What annoys me the most is the HUGE double standard women have. Men are always expected to reassure women and make them feel more secure. But if a man is feeling a bit insecure and needs reassurance from his girl. Then the girls are like “yeah thats a turn off”. Why is that people like you only focus on the women’s perspective? What about the man’s perspective? What about the man’s needs? What about the man’s vulnerabilities? A man is a human being with the same human emotions for God’s sake. Stop forcing men to be things they are not.

    • Trust me, I am looking from the man’s perspective trying to help men see the reality of the difference between men and women. Nothing is expected from men, it’s just that they can transform their experience if they understand what women are like.

      Men have needs and vulnerabilities but they need to find ways to work them out other than with their women. Men need men friends they can talk to and be open with to resolve these issues.

      I suggest you stop being so angry and start to look at your emotions and learn how to become what you are, not what you think I am forcing you to be.

      If you want to talk about these issues please let me know, I’ll be happy to talk to you.

      • Brandon says:

        I recently expressed to my girl whom I haven’t spoken to for a week now that I don’t tolerate be unappreciated. She wanted tacos for dinner. I said okay, picked the place told her to meet me (which I did the most driving to meet her). Get there she’s not hungry and says she has to work early in the morning. At this time I’m irritated with her and confronts her about it. She gets all hurt and leaves. I tell her to f*** off you unappreciative person. I could’ve said it nicer but I didn’t. She needed to know how I felt honestly. Now she’s trying to act like she hates me. Knowing damn well she don’t want a push over. I’m going to ignore her, let her suffer now.

        • Brandon, the only person who’s going to suffer is you. You have such a sense of entitlement. It’s time to stop being a boy and let that go.

          You have this idea that she doesn’t want a push over, you’re right she doesn’t but she doesn’t want a dominating bully either.

          You don’t tolerate being unappreciated … WOW… What you showing some appreciation. Are you interested in her at all or is she just there to make you feel good.

          You have a lot to learn and I could help you learn it. Let me know if you’re ready to start becoming a man…

          • boganus says:

            Sorry, but it’s not really clear what he should be doing? According to the story, woman states she wants x, woman acts unappreciative of man’s attempt to meet her needs, he expresses his disapproval. What should he have done – not express his disapproval? You say he should show some appreciation, yet he did and she is clearly showing no appreciation. How is the commenter acting entitled? You then using shaming language, claiming the commenter feels the woman is just there to make him feel good. Where do you get that this is his mindset. Curiously, looking through the comments, when anyone challenges the logic, the rationale, the inconsistency of your statements, you re-frame, change the subject or indulge in personal attacks or shaming language.

          • cat says:

            Brandon, you’re on the right lines just don’t swear at her next time. Next her, she deserves, don’t listen to these Beta males fools!!
            If a woman disrespects you like this, you walk. get out and meet other women. She’ll be back if she’s interested, if she doesn’t come back & apologise, cool, you’ve just weeded out someone with no respect.

    • MACK says:

      This is easily the best and most sensible post on this page,its all men should men should…how about men stop for once and ask women “what do you bring to the table apart from sex and childish tests that a 5 year wouldn’t for testing to see if a mans insecure doesn’t this show that the women is insecure by testing him.

    • Correct says:

      Well said brother. This article was written by a woman, and by nature she doesn’t know what she wants. She obviously suffers from the same insecurity that every woman experiences. Ask her on a different day and you will get a different story. The bottom line is, and I hate to say it, is that women need to be told what they want, plain and simple. They will argue, but deep down they know it’s true. Very rarely will they attack a problem with logic.

  41. Sean says:

    I wish I had read this article weeks ago. I was dumped 2 weeks ago by a woman who used to test me frequently about virtually everything. She admitted early on in the relationship that she had trust issues stemming from the relationship prior to ours. I was a Dick (literally) by responding to her tests with frustration, defensive behavior, and anger. She dumped me, the first time, around a month ago but we remained in contact and after a while, she warmed back up to me. The tests resumed days later and the last time I flipped on her and was extremely harsh to her. She left for “good” then. I now realize that her leaving me (both times) was yet, another test and that she still was in love with me. Needless to say, I screwed it up big time on Friday and now she doesn’t want to speak to me. I think that secretly she was holding out hope that I’d come around and finally be the “one” she used to think of me as. Learning lessons in hindsight is one of the most frustrating things about the human condition.

    • You may think you are learning lessons in hindsight but you can, and I hope you will, apply them to any future relationship. It’s clear she was attracted to you but had to deal with her trust issues…

      Next time see the testing as a sign of love.

    • cat says:

      I bet she’d got hurt by some Bad Boy before you, that’s the way it usually happens, and it screws up her self-esteem and you the good guy gets hit with her trust issues. Trouble is women with LSE usually go back to these low life’s that cause all the problems.

      See if you can work through her issues but don’t waste you life doing it!

  42. nick says:

    well if you trust your partner then you really don’t have to put him/her to the test. tests are for insecure people. insecurities lead people to other people who want to have sex so they can “fill in” the emotional gap and that’s how relationships get broken. graham..i’m sorry to say but you don’t look or sound like a chick magnet. so what’s all this? telling men that insecure women are safe to play with?

    • No I’m not a chick magnet, but you would be amazed at how many women are attracted to me. Don’t think you know it all, you don’t. Female testing is not about filling an emotional gap, that is a different issue altogether, one that you analyse correctly. Testing is about trust and about a woman knowing that she can truly open herself up to a man without getting hurt. In my experience I can see why women do this, I see so many men abandoning women and leaving with families to look after.

  43. Bro says:

    Best way too get beyond the constant merry go round of a women’s gameplay,prodding and probes is too create diversionary scenarios that won’t let the stale stench of insecurity and predictability creep in
    Women emotionally are a sophisticated version of children……..their relationships are not an aspect of their lives,they are their lives and like children they need too be stimulated and made too feel secure otherwise just like a child whom lacks parental attention or stimulation they will become a never ending headache
    Put simply guys if you keep her busy being involved in your life she will feel valued and fulfilled
    Easier said than done I know!!! But if you can achieve that blissful state where you are both enjoying the ride rather than be focused on the destination you can avoid boredom and monotony which are the fuel cells that feed the obsessive testing woman machine
    Too many men fall into the trap of allowing their relationships too develop into a never ending give and take power play over a faded ideal forged in an earlier incarnation of the relationship
    If ya show her what you got and challenge her too do the same there’s no need for testing
    Either that or keep her barefoot and pregnant……ha ha
    NOTE:Iv learnt nothing about woman but I never miss a class!!!

    • Clearly you have been learning too much about gameplay in dating. This might work in this short term arena, but when it comes to a serious long-term relaxation ship you will quickly be found out.

      • Correct says:

        I wouldn’t expect you to say anything different Graham, but the truth is that he needs to turn the tables just a little more and she will respect him for it. I know you don’t like the idea of the woman being submissive, but there is nothing wrong with it. Even though your mind doesn’t like the idea, your emotional spirit craves it. If you read between the lines of this article, this article actually confirms it.

  44. David says:

    This article opened my eyes to some seemingly strange behavior from a close female friend. Now it makes sense to me. I welcome her testing. I’ve developed a strong respect for this woman. She knows what questions that need to be asked and knows how to get the information. She keeps poking till I bring up the correct information. I find the experience very beautiful. She sets the pace of the relationship and the boundaries. I feel a deep love and respect for her.

    • David

      Thanks for that, I appreciate your sharing your experience. It’s a revelation when you connect with what is going on in your woman, suddenly everything seems very different. Well done for seeing what’s going on.

      Maybe now it’s time or you to set the pace of the relationship, that’s probably what she’s looking for.


  45. James says:

    Hi Graham:

    So me and this chick really hit it off and there were no test the first month. Well she went on a ski trip with her “girlfriends” and since she’s been back there has been all kinds of test. I have no problem with them and have continued to do the opposite of what she expects me to do which has worked so far. I’m pretty sure her friends told her to do the classic “don’t make yourself too available” test because I asked her to hang out everyday last weekend and she replied with a vague no.

    So since then she has texted me first everyday for the last week and I take a couple hours to reply with a short response. So I can tell she’s getting frustrated that I’m not playing along and getting frustrated by her test. So I said all this to ask: Where do I go from here? I mean eventually she will stop texting me and I don’t want to chase her because that will make things worse so when she does stop texting me do I text her first but still wait several hours in between text? or just move on?

    • James

      Thanks for sharing your experience. I’m sure she has been taking advice from her girlfriends, but I suspect she doesn’t trust it. My advice to you is to stop playing games with her and follow your heart.

      For a start stop texting, it’s no way to run a relationship, it’s cold and impersonal. Take the initiative and ring her up, talk to her and let her feel your energy. There is no need to chase her or please her, just tell her what you want, just go for it.

      The important thing is to take the lead and stop working out how to respond to her.

      Let me know how you get on.


      • Kat says:

        Okay. I am a female. While it is true that I do not really have local, close female friends, I must say this: I understand the whole “don’t make yourself too available” thing. Balance is needed, definitely. But on the other hand, come on–if it was me coming back from a ski trip, I would definitely want to see the guy I’m into. Not having female friends immediately close by has taught me how to trust my own inner knowledge, my own inner authority. If I constantly felt that I had to constantly rely on friends for ‘what to do,’ then I’d be in pretty sad shape. Yes, I still have my insecurities, and I’m working on them. But gee whiz. Seeing a guy I like after a long trip is NOT breaking the “don’t be too available” rule in my book. So, for you ladies reading this article, give the all-girl conclave a rest and learn to trust what YOU feel is right. Do not let what your friends do rule what YOU choose to do. If you go on a trip and you want to see your new guy afterwards, and he wants to see you, your friends, no matter how close you are to them, are NOT the ultimate authority. YOU are.

  46. Casey says:

    So the #1 turn off for women is insecurity, but that’s also what stems these constant tests. That (insecurity) is the biggest turn off for me. Just enjoy the time we spend together, or I can’t enjoy it either. Testing should be kept in the dating phase unless there is a REAL threat to the relationship.

    • I understand why you think they should be kept to the dating phase, that would make it a lot easier for us men. The fact is they aren’t and it’s about time we, as man, started to understand why. I prefer to deal with the reality of live rather than try to change ny partner.

    • Casey

      Nice idea but it just doesn’t work that way. Women are turned off by insecurity in a man because they need a sense of security for a relationship to grow. If insecurity in a woman is a turn off for you then I wish you luck, you’ll find it hard to find a woman who fits your need.

      Tell me how many men you know who remain completely reliable and trustworthy once the dating phase is over? I don’t meet many, and I include myself in that. Women are hard-wired to check how much they can trust a man, only when they know they can does that disappear.

      For a woman everything and anything is a real threat to the relationship, they are just not like me and you.

      Take the lead, let your demands go and just respond to the testing with love. You will find life radically transformed.


  47. Very True says:

    i will just be very happy to meet a woman that can just accept me for who i am, instead of going after the rich guy today.

    • Kat says:

      Trust me–there are plenty of women out there who are looking for the exact same thing. The feeling of wanting to be loved and accepted for who we are is not restricted to one gender only. It’s a very human desire. I understand the frustration of the whole “women only want the wealthy dudes.” I’m a female who does like the finer things. But I’m also someone who wants to achieve those things for myself–and share them with a guy I’m into. Emotional interdependence (a couple sharing love and devotion) is one thing. But financial dependence? IMO, if a woman wants that, she still wants a father, not a husband. But then I’m something of an independent sort. 😉

  48. dave says:

    God, this sounds AWFUL! She’s going to test ME? Then who gets to test HER? Oh,women do not want to be tested? Gee, that’s fair!

      • blogster says:

        Why? Because he challenged what you wrote? Also, I’ve seen the exact words you’ve used, ad verbatim, years ago, by other writers. Just a thought.

        Quit using the shaming tactics and write your own words if you want someone to listen to your advice.

        • No, because it sounds like he has a real beef about women. This site is about looking t yourself not passing on blame. It’s interesting what you say about the words because the stories were completely invented by me.

          Thank you for your comments.

          • dave says:

            Mr. Phoenix – If I misstated my point, then it is my own fault. My “beef” , if that is what you said, is that there seems to be this double standard out there that you do not mind at all.
            It is only a problem for guys who “play” and feel that it is not fair to them. I do not see who ( or whom) I “blamed” for thinking that men get to approach and be “tested”. If you believe that to be fair, I have no “beef” and no “problem”
            with you thinking that way. That is your own way if you choose to take it.

          • Dave, I’m not sure what you are upset about. Try changing your thinking and look at the situation from a woman’s point of view. Maybe the problem is that you see it about “playing”, is that fair? Testing is about trust in a relationship.

  49. Owen says:

    Yes, women will test us. We believe they are crazy. Often unconsciously they are expressing or reacting to what we aren’t expressing.

    I always have to ask if a woman is being ‘crazy’ what am I not saying.

    • Graham Phoenix says:

      Owen, thanks for the comment. One of the great issues for men is ‘not saying’. The consequence is women keep testing us precisely because they just don’t understand where we are in our heads and what we think and feel. Your answer is great, ask them. Talk to them so they realise you understand and want to make it right. This goes a long way to smoothing out the situation. The third point in my ten point run-down for men in Keep it Fresh is ‘Don’t Make Assumptions’, in other words ask.

      • Kat says:

        Graham, it is my personal observation that men are conditioned not to say what they feel because they are afraid of looking like “wusses.” It is said that many women like the “strong, silent, brooding type.” Perhaps it comes down to a love of mystery–“let’s see if we can get him to say what’s on his mind.” On the other hand, it IS nice when guys DO say what’s on their mind, whether or not they’re the “strong silent type,” because let’s face it–humans have yet to develop telepathy. And I know that members of my own gender play the “silent treatment” game, especially when they feel their guys “should be able to remember” what’s “required” or desired. It’s a ridiculous type of communication that’s not even true communication at all, but a game that’s based on unrealistic demands, and speaking as a female to other females reading this–that kind of game, or test, needs to stop. It’s childish.

        • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

          It is not a good way to communicate, on either side. the problem is that we are pushed into not revealing what we think by our peers, often very early on. How often have you been ridiculed by people your own age because of what you say? We all need to get over it, especially men. This is not a fault in men, it’s something we need to understand and work on.

      • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

        I think they are testing for trust and stability. Will love continue? Can I be sure he means what he says?

  50. Kenny G. says:

    I feel like this is a bunch of bull. I appreciate the way you laid out ‘how’ women try to challenge manhood, but get this completely understood: Once tried, they should be always true. The constant testing of a man’s manhood is not to be confused with her love for him, it is solely childish behavior or internal issues within herself. If the couple changes that much that they need the constant testing, then by all means, I implore them to find ways of enjoying the game. I do agree though that there are some test of both women and men that will undoubtedly happen as they get to know each other, but for a constant testing of anything is the ultimate form of stupidity and labeled in my book as childish. If you’re going to keep trying me, then I’m going to believe that you don’t trust me, especially if I’ve never given you a reason not to – personally trust issues, you’re right, should be handled by a professional, because I’m not God, and I didn’t tailor your baggage. Besides that, I love women :-D.

    • Graham Phoenix says:

      Kenny, I understand how you feel but you should understand how important this is. It would be OK for women to be always true if in fact men could always be relied on to be constant, loving and dependable. The sad truth is that men are flaky at the best of times and downright hypocritical at others. We shift and change, we get irritated (often by the very testing that is designed to resolve the situation) and our needs remain undeclared. Women find it, generally, almost impossible to understand us. So the keep testing. It really isn’t childish behaviour, it’s because the woman needs to know that her love is reciprocated and not mis-directed. How many men do you know that are open, clear and specific about what they feel, think and need.

      Yes, when the relationship is great, open and free the testing starts to disappear. The woman finds she doesn’t need it because the answers she gets give her confidence and bolster her love for her man.

      You may love women, but I think you need to go further in understanding them. You, like many/most men find the testing frustrating. As soon as you stop seeing it as childish but as a deep declaration of love your approach to it will change and the need for it will disappear. That is what I have found in my relationship. When it happens we laugh about it and feel even closer. If you love women then you need to love everything they do.

      Finally are you sure that you never give a women a reason not to trust you? If so you are an amazing man!

      • reaility says:

        You give the worst, poorly thought out ‘advice’ I have ever seen. What is your problem with men? Why are you so angry? ….see what I did there?

        • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

          No problem with men, just frustration at seeing them screw things up when there is no need to. Not angry about this, talking from my experience.

          What advice would you give?

      • cat says:

        As soon as you stop seeing it as childish but as a deep declaration of love your approach to it will change and the need for it will disappear.

        No it is not a declaration, she is unconsciously and instinctively testing you fitness to mate with her, she needs strength….forget logic, you are dealing with powerful hard-wired primeval drives and instincts. Using logic will get you burnt!

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