Healing A Relationship - Use The Male 180
Journey to the Core of the Masculine
'Conversations about Men & Masculinity' & 'A 40 Day Challenge for Men'
This is a unique and powerful book. It is a record of a series of conversations with Christopher Howard on masculinity, sex, addiction and relationships. In them both Chris and myself opened ourselves up in a very personal and revealing way. We held nothing back and explored what it is to be men.
Several years ago a concept was introduced to the world of infidelity that is designed to help partners move forward in the healing of a relationship.
It was suggested that any new betrayed partner implement these behaviours. They weren't designed to make either side look good or bad. They were a means of protection for the betrayed. They helped the betrayed to face their new world with dignity and bravery, they appear stronger to the wayward partner.
This list was called The 180. It created a complete 180 degree rotation in actions and attitude. The betrayed partner is no longer a weeping sack of sorrow. Suddenly, they appear strong, happy, independent, and quite capable of making it on their own.
I have taken this idea and adapted it exclusively for males when they are at a point in a relationship when it is not working, they need help in relationships. There may not be betrayal involved but there is hurt, criticism and accusation. In this situation it is important for men to be present and strong in themselves. It is important for men to step back from either hurting or being hurt. A man needs to be a 'rock' and the woman needs to be able to trust and rely on him. If anything is going to come out of the trouble in the relationship then it is critical that the man is the central strong power. The woman can whirl around him, and should be able to.
So, men, when all else fails try these 13 steps to a powerful relationship:
- Don't ever reason, chase, beg, plead or implore, she needs to make her own decisions.
- Remember she needs to feel good in her decision for herself.
- Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future, don't point out the good points in the relationship, at the moment the present is hard enough for her.
- Don't ask for help from your partner's family members or friends, she needs to make her own decisions.
- Don't ask for reassurances, they would be meaningless if you got them.
- Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life. Remember a man is focused and directed.
- No matter what you are feeling in the moment, only show your partner happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured man secure in the knowledge that they have value.
- All questions about the relationship should be put on hold, until your partner wants to talk about it. Initiate no such conversation!
- Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling, ever. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool. Be in control of the only thing you can control, yourself!
- Do not argue when she tells you how she feels. In fact, refuse to argue at all. Be patient and learn to listen carefully to what she is really saying to you?
- Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
- Do not focus on yourself and what is happening to you when communicating with her. Her behaviour is not about you!
- Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Try to remember that she is hurting and afraid and is taking it out on you just because you are there.
- Does your relationship need healing?
- have you followed these steps?
- What is not working?