35. How Do You Use Your Sexuality?

One of the big issues around the subject of gender is how men use their sexuality. The stereotypical complaint is that men use their sexuality to dominate, that there is too much sexualization of men.

Some men see themselves as Alpha Males who have a right to use whatever technique they can to acquire and enjoy women, some men simply physically dominate women to make themselves feel like a man. Most men, however, either don’t quite understand their sexuality or feel threatened by the danger of abusing women.

Men can feel caught between the need to be men and the perception of abuse. Either way it stems from the man’s lack of certainty about himself and his ability to deal with male sexuality. Male sexuality is a potent force that needs to be understood and integrated as part of a man’s personality rather than simple controlled. Suppressing it creates dangerous power than can easily cause harm.

“I’d thought sexuality was instinctive or natural, but it’s profoundly linked to inner security and cultural context.”
(Tahar Ben Jelloun)

I found, for many years, that I was so unsure of my sexuality that I didn’t know how to deal with it.

Like many men I felt its full force when it grew in me but I didn’t fully understand how it was a vital part of me. It almost felt like something outside of me that I enjoyed occasionally and suffered often.

Fully understanding its energy has enabled me to feel how central it is to me as a man and to allow it its full power when appropriate. I no longer have to hide neither do I have to use it. Women feel it in me but don’t feel threatened by it because they sense that I don’t have to control it and so am not in danger of abusing it. That creates enormous trust.

  • Are you aware of your sexuality, its power and its inherent force. Is it part of you or do you feel it’s somehow outside of you?
  • Do you feel a need to control it in any way or are you happy that it’s just a natural part of your life? Does this control feel natural?
  • Do you feel relaxed about expressing your sexuality or do you inhibited in any way?
  • What would it take for you to comfortably see your sexuality as a natural part of you? How could you integrate it into your life?

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