Families are where you learn to be a man; families are where you show you are a man. Your family of origin is where you find your first role models, and where you first form your personality.
Much of what you have been looking at over the last few weeks has been about dealing with the issues raised during this learning phase. You learn to be a man by following what you see.
This creates the basis for how you are with the family you create. In many ways you act out what you learnt many years previously. You think you avoid the mistakes your parents made but frequently you compound them. You like to think you bring up your sons to be men, men in the way you weren’t. Often you visit your own uncertainties on your sons, your own lack of grounding as a man.
Even if you don’t have children you still influence those around you, even distant family.
as you are to them.”
I learnt anger from my father and passed it to my sons.
Who knows where this anger started, how many generations back. In many ways I see my role as breaking the chain, but whether I have learnt this early enough is an important question. I now understand how it works, but only after my sons have grown up, is it too late or have I made my contribution to how they are already?
I know I created my own life of dominance and control within my family. It was my own little kingdom where I ruled! I found that this never worked, all that was created was resentment and suppression; not a good idea.
When I came to value my family as human beings I was able to develop a true relationship with them. The extent to which I do is in my hands but at least I know I have created the space to do this within. Being a father to my sons gives me no rights but many responsibilities. When I take these seriously I can know them at last.
- How are you with your parents, siblings and your wider family of origin? From the perspective of how they influenced you, how do you influence back?
- What type of position do you take in your wider family? How are you seen in terms of dominance, compassion and love?
- If you have children, how do you behave with them? Do you help them to be the best they can? Do you help them to expand their emotional resources?
- Do you see family as a microcosm of the world? How could you shift your behaviour in this world? Do you think you need to?
Other Posts in the series 'Dealing With Chaos'
- 06. Do You Need, Desire Or Love
- 07. Show Me How To Control Others
- 08. Do You Find Intimacy Difficult
- 09. Suffering Is Resistance To Pain
- 10. Look for the Learning in Emotional Pain
- 11. Are You Seeking The Truth?
- 12. Can You Look Forwards And Backwards?
- 13. Do You Blame Or Take Responsibility?
- 14. Are You Aware Of Your Masculinity?
- 15. Enjoy the Dusk, Celebrate the Day
- 16. Dealing With Chaos - Acceptance
- 17. Do You Accept Your Personalities?
- 18. What Do You Like About Yourself?
- 19. What Don’t You Like About Yourself?
- 20. What Would You Like To Change?
- 21. What Are You Willing To Do To Change?
- 22. Describe The Ideal You, The New You
- 23. How Will You Achieve Change?
- 24. Is Your Life A Construction Site Or A Garden?
- 25. How To Live With Uncertainty
- 26. Can You Let Go Of Your Ego?
- 27. Can You Now Accept Who You Are?
- 28. Enjoying The Person You Are
- 29. Celebrate Who You Are - Be Outrageous!
- 30. Dealing With Chaos - Authenticity
- 31. Do You Live Your Life At Full Potential?
- 32. What Vision Do You Have?
- 33. Do You Walk Your Talk?
- 34. What Are Your Spheres Of Influence?
- 35. How Do You Use Your Sexuality?
- 37. How Do You Use Your Power And Strength?
- 38. Can Others Rely On You?
- 39. What Are You Dishonest About?
- 40. What Will You Stake Your Life On?
- 41. What Is Passion? What Drives You?
- 42. Do You Know Your Truth? Do You Speak It?
- 43. What Will Life Look Like Now?
- 44. Dealing With Chaos - Participants Open Their Hearts
Latest posts by Graham Reid Phoenix (see all)
How Yoga Helped Me Find The Stillness In Masculinity
I have found that Yoga has enabled me to balance my personality and find my 'Still Point'. I use it to observe myself and deepen my masculinity with compassion, awareness and understanding. It has transformed me into a man who is both more alive and calmer.- November 2, 2016
Today I Felt the Shame of Being a Man
Graham experiences what it is like to be woman who is not listened to and suppressed. He looks at what men can do to fill this gender gap. Today I felt the pain of being a woman… Today I felt the shame of being a man…- October 26, 2016
Obesity in Men: What Is The Truth
Britain’s fattest man, Carl Thompson, was 33 years old and weighed 65 stone when he died in 2015. For those not from Britain, that is 410 kilos or 910 pounds. He was housebound, bed-ridden and alone. This was a man whose life had moved out of balance, and who ended up in a miserable, early death. This is an example of the issue of obesity in men.- October 16, 2016