10 Men Who Cant Love - Are You One Of Them?
Journey to the Core of the Masculine
'Conversations about Men & Masculinity' & 'A 40 Day Challenge for Men'
This is a unique and powerful book. It is a record of a series of conversations with Christopher Howard on masculinity, sex, addiction and relationships. In them both Chris and myself opened ourselves up in a very personal and revealing way. We held nothing back and explored what it is to be men.
In another articled I looked at "10 Ways A Man Can Love A Woman". In talking about men in love I said,
"It’s an overwhelming emotion you have about another person, an emotion that you can’t truly explain but you can’t get rid of. It makes you want to be with that person, hold them, touch them, have sex with them. It shows itself as an exchange of energy, a polarity, that excites your soul. Love makes you feel great and totally transforms life. Love is worship of the other person, the woman who is divine for you. Love is the power house behind our lives, it is the reason we live."
It makes me sad that so many men just don't feel this emotion, that there are so many men who can't love. Yes, they have relationships, get married, have sex, bring up children, but still their lives remain relatively barren, they are still men who can't find love. They try hard but remain separated from their wife, girlfriend or partner. They sometimes have co-dependent relationships that are based on need or gap-filling, but they never truly know the wonder of an inter-dependent relationship based on trust and self-knowledge.
What is it that holds them back? What is that gets in the way? What stops them?
Men Who Cant Find Love - Who Are They
There follow some pointers to what is happening in their lives instead of love:
1. Men who are looking for their mother.
I don't know whether the mothers or the men are to blame for this. The men are looking to be fed, have their cleaning done and be generally molly-coddled.
I can remember my mother feeding me to show her love for me. I loved it but it got too much for me at times. She didn't really teach me to look after myself or care for my woman.
I now do the cooking and take part in the household chores, I don't expect my woman to look after me.
2. Men who are too absorbed in themselves.
It's their life, their hobbies, their friends, their ambition, their children, their... Somehow their women doesn't seem to come into the equation.
Men are used to running the world and filling their lives with activities and occupations. Nowadays men have even taken the role of father so seriously that they can forget that their woman is more than a mother.
I can remember staying at work too long when things were growing in my business. I can remember staying behind for a drink with my colleagues, forgetting my wife waiting for me at home. It was not good…
3. Men who are too on mission.
This is slightly different from the previous men who can't love because woman love their men to be on mission. The focus and dedication of a man on mission is an amazing sight.
Sometimes it just goes too far. Sometimes the climber climbs one too many mountains and kills the relationship in the process, Sometimes the businessman goes on one too many trips abroad and loses sight of home.
Men need to find a balance on this.
4. Men who see themselves as alpha.
These are the ones that cause me so much pain. They are men who have a misplaced idea about men needing to be the alpha-males. Yes, dogs do it, but don't have the intelligence we have.
They chase and conquer women to show how great they are. In the process they just show how lacking they are in any emotion, understanding or even humanity.
They are no better than dogs even if on the surface they appear to know what women want.
5. Men who just want a pal.
These are the sad ones who spend their lives going to the pub or the football game. They remember the great times with their pals when they were young and just want it to continue.
Occasionally it works when the woman becomes one of the lads, but this never lasts, then the man is left wondering what happened.
Sometimes men just need to realise they need to grow up.
6. Men who are afraid of intimacy.
Men often have difficulty dealing with intimacy, particularly when a relationship appears to be out of their control. The interesting part of this is that men also have difficulty acknowledging that they have difficulty dealing with intimacy. They usually sublimate the emotions into actions that they can understand.
This can show itself as aggression or even abuse, buit generally just results in sullenness and withdrawal.
Men who have this difficulty need help to overcome their fear and learn to become a normal part of the world.
7. Men who want their lost youth.
This shows itself, classically, in the mid-life crisis. Things were great when they were young, or so they remember. Life was free and easy, there were no pressures, no mortgages. Their women were beautiful and nubile in the time before children.
They have affairs trying to reach their long lost nirvana. In the process they throw everything away.
It is possible, however, to bring your youth into your present life by changing your outlook.
8. Men who want to control.
There are men who can't love who just never seem to get over the temper tantrums of their childhood. They want everything and they want it now. No-one is going to stand in their way.
They lash out at their wife and children as well as their employees at work. Nothing is good enough for them.
They need to open their eyes and see that there is a big wide world out there that doesn't revolve around them…
9. Men who lack a sense of polarity.
These are the 'New Men' who feel compassion for their women and want to spend their nlives honouring and worshiping them. There's nothing wrong with this as such but the problem comes when their masculinity disappears in the process.
They go into 'their feminine' and lose their sense of being a man. They seek equality with their woman and end up being the same.
The polarity disappears and the relationship become empty.
10. Men who are just too macho.
hey just get so tied up with being a man. They look good, they drive a great car and they just expect women to fall over themselves to get to him.
Well at first they do. Then they find that there's nothing there, there's no substance, no real man at all.
Don't get caught in this trap, look at yourself long and slow and look for what a woman sees in you.
Men, take care, become aware of who you are and how women see you. Don't become one of the men who cant love a woman, be strong, be present and find love.
- Are you still looking for your mother?
- Are you an alpha male?
- Are you afraid of intimacy?
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Image Credit: Flickr/Gerry Balding (Creative Commons)