10 Men Who Cant Love – Are You One Of Them?

In looking at men and love it's important to consider men who cant find love, who cant love a woman.

In another articled I looked at “10 Ways A Man Can Love A Woman“. In talking about men in love I said,

“It’s an overwhelming emotion you have about another person, an emotion that you can’t truly explain but you can’t get rid of. It makes you want to be with that person, hold them, touch them, have sex with them. It shows itself as an exchange of energy, a polarity, that excites your soul. Love makes you feel great and totally transforms life. Love is worship of the other person, the woman who is divine for you. Love is the power house behind our lives, it is the reason we live.”

This is a unique and powerful book. It is a record of a series of conversations with Christopher Howard on masculinity, sex, addiction and relationships. In them both Chris and myself opened ourselves up in a very personal and revealing way. We held nothing back and explored what it is to be men.

It makes me sad that so many men just don’t feel this emotion, that there are so many men who can’t love. Yes, they have relationships, get married, have sex, bring up children, but still their lives remain relatively barren, they are still men who can’t find love. They try hard but remain separated from their wife, girlfriend or partner. They sometimes have co-dependent relationships that are based on need or gap-filling, but they never truly know the wonder of an inter-dependent relationship based on trust and self-knowledge.

What is it that holds them back? What is that gets in the way? What stops them?

Men Who Cant Find Love – Who Are They

There follow some pointers to what is happening in their lives instead of love:

1. Men who are looking for their mother.

I don’t know whether the mothers or the men are to blame for this. The men are looking to be fed, have their cleaning done and be generally molly-coddled.

I can remember my mother feeding me to show her love for me. I loved it but it got too much for me at times. She didn’t really teach me to look after myself or care for my woman.

I now do the cooking and take part in the household chores, I don’t expect my woman to look after me.

2. Men who are too absorbed in themselves.

It’s their life, their hobbies, their friends, their ambition, their children, their… Somehow their women doesn’t seem to come into the equation.

Men are used to running the world and filling their lives with activities and occupations. Nowadays men have even taken the role of father so seriously that they can forget that their woman is more than a mother.

I can remember staying at work too long when things were growing in my business. I can remember staying behind for a drink with my colleagues, forgetting my wife waiting for me at home. It was not good…

3. Men who are too on mission.

This is slightly different from the previous men who can’t love because woman love their men to be on mission. The focus and dedication of a man on mission is an amazing sight.

Sometimes it just goes too far. Sometimes the climber climbs one too many mountains and kills the relationship in the process, Sometimes the businessman goes on one too many trips abroad and loses sight of home.

Men need to find a balance on this.

4. Men who see themselves as alpha.

These are the ones that cause me so much pain. They are men who have a misplaced idea about men needing to be the alpha-males. Yes, dogs do it, but don’t have the intelligence we have.

They chase and conquer women to show how great they are. In the process they just show how lacking they are in any emotion, understanding or even humanity.

They are no better than dogs even if on the surface they appear to know what women want.

5. Men who just want a pal.

These are the sad ones who spend their lives going to the pub or the football game. They remember the great times with their pals when they were young and just want it to continue.

Occasionally it works when the woman becomes one of the lads, but this never lasts, then the man is left wondering what happened.

Sometimes men just need to realise they need to grow up.

6. Men who are afraid of intimacy.

Men often have difficulty dealing with intimacy, particularly when a relationship appears to be out of their control. The interesting part of this is that men also have difficulty acknowledging that they have difficulty dealing with intimacy. They usually sublimate the emotions into actions that they can understand.

This can show itself as aggression or even abuse, buit generally just results in sullenness and withdrawal.

Men who have this difficulty need help to overcome their fear and learn to become a normal part of the world.

7. Men who want their lost youth.

This shows itself, classically, in the mid-life crisis. Things were great when they were young, or so they remember. Life was free and easy, there were no pressures, no mortgages. Their women were beautiful and nubile in the time before children.

They have affairs trying to reach their long lost nirvana. In the process they throw everything away.

It is possible, however, to bring your youth into your present life by changing your outlook.

8. Men who want to control.

There are men who can’t love who just never seem to get over the temper tantrums of their childhood. They want everything and they want it now. No-one is going to stand in their way.

They lash out at their wife and children as well as their employees at work. Nothing is good enough for them.

They need to open their eyes and see that there is a big wide world out there that doesn’t revolve around them…

9. Men who lack a sense of polarity.

These are the ‘New Men’ who feel compassion for their women and want to spend their nlives honouring and worshiping them. There’s nothing wrong with this as such but the problem comes when their masculinity disappears in the process.

They go into ‘their feminine‘ and lose their sense of being a man. They seek equality with their woman and end up being the same.

The polarity disappears and the relationship become empty.

10. Men who are just too macho.

hey just get so tied up with being a man. They look good, they drive a great car and they just expect women to fall over themselves to get to him.

Well at first they do. Then they find that there’s nothing there, there’s no substance, no real man at all.

Don’t get caught in this trap, look at yourself long and slow and look for what a woman sees in you.

Men, take care, become aware of who you are and how women see you. Don’t become one of the men who cant love a woman, be strong, be present and find love.

  • Are you still looking for your mother?
  • Are you an alpha male?
  • Are you afraid of intimacy?

Read the following articles to open up your perspective…

Other articles by Graham Reid Phoenix:

Letting Go of the Need to be Mothered
Be The Man Your Woman Will Love

Other relevant articles:

Four Risks in Loving Men Who Can’t Commit
13 hombres a los que no deberias entregarte por completo

Image Credit: Flickr/Gerry Balding (Creative Commons)


  1. Lil says:

    My husband of one year just confessed to me that even though I’m a great wife, and also very attractive, he does not love me, and in fact feels “void of any emotion” for me. He told me not to take it personally, because he can NOT love anyone except his mother, (he’s severely attached and emotional about his mom). He said he was always telling me he deeply loved me as a means to obtain the marriage and keep it going for reasons other than love and a relationship…but now he’s just too tired from the constant pretense. He even went so far as to say he’s not interested in sex either, and is tired of needing to do it. He also said he has no interest in having children. He asked if I will accept continuing the marriage only as a means of continuing our lifestyle, but be willing to 100% cooperate with no longer having a “relationship” between us. I see this as some sort of awful mental/emotional illness….He’s going to get his walking papers soon.

    • Lil says:

      In my husband’s case, for some reason I don’t understand, his mother has always openly, strongly favored him over his other 4 siblings, though he’s not the oldest or the youngest. She’s always done things like told the family she was saving the prettiest apple only for him. She’s always showered him with affection. He in turn is also deeply attached to her in an abnormal way. He confessed to me yesterday that he’s not capable of loving ANYONE other than her.

      • RJ00 says:

        Sounds awful, sorry to hear that. Lots of decent men would be a lot more thankful to their wives if they were in his shoes. I know I would.

  2. John says:

    Let’s see – I went through all ten and I should be quite a catch:
    1-I’m a great cook, keep things clean, and am not dependent on anybody. I don’t need a mom.
    2-I put everyone else first.
    3-No one way I’m ‘on a mission’. If anything I lack ambition in my career, though I have a good paying job.
    4-Definitely not what society considers an ‘alpha’
    5-Don’t have any guy pals, and am not into typical guy stuff
    6-I love my nieces and nephews and they love me; not afraid of getting close to people.
    7-I’m happier as an adult than I was as a youth, so not looking for lost youth.
    8-No one who knows me would ever say I’m a control freak
    9-This actually might be my problem, but I’m not effiminate
    10-No way in the world would anyone consider me to be too macho.
    I’m almost 50 and have never had a girlfriend and never been on a date. I’d love to marry and have my own children. I’ve never received even the tiniest amount of female interest or attention. It’s like I’m invisible. I own my own home and cars, have a 6-figure salary, am not a slob, in great shape, don’t smoke, drink or gamble. I’ve come to the conclusion that women just do not want guys like me. I have given up. I’m no longer looking or trying because it never, and I mean never, makes a bit of difference. I’m just going to live out my life alone, travel, have fun, and see what happens. Everyone always assumes I’m married and can’t believe I’m not. It’s a mystery to me why women don’t like me, but since I forgot about them life has gotten much better. I believe I was just not meant to have a spouse. So either your list isn’t all inclusive, or women do not really want what they say they want.

    • Pam Warwick says:

      You sound great to me. Sorry that women are too stupid to see a good person right in front of their eyes. I too am single and have given up because I guess I am too real and don’t play games. I live in NYC a great city but hard to find a nice man. There are plenty of good looking successful men to choose from but I think most men here just want to get laid and do not want commitment. Plus a lot of men are bisexual so they are confused about who they are. Life is so short and it saddens me that so many men & women cannot find a connection or love. I hope one day you do stumble upon a nice woman but until then enjoy your life. Love your family and make the most out of every day. A life lived well even without a relationship is honorable. Human beings can be so convoluted at times. Don’t let it get you down, just carry on in the best way you know how!

  3. TOM says:

    Graham I have a question for you. I have counted how many women over the last 4 years have rejected me. I have been rejected by 356 women over that time period. I believe part of it I was at fault. I never cheated but perhaps my attitude. I have also been rejected by 2056 women online on tinder, plenty of fish, okcupid, and a facebook dating app. Are you saying out of all these women it was my fault every time? I have dropped standards to zero and cant even get a fat chick 2x my size. I am asking is it possible women have crazy bullshit enititled standards or is it me. I have been rejected for not being black, not tall enough, dont have a six pack, not making enough money, and many more reasons. I am confused on what kind of women anymore. I feel frustrated with women. I am more attracted to women than men. I have had more gay guys into me than women and have kissed more guys than women which I think is screwed up and they were when I was young.

    • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

      Tom, my first reaction is that if you keep focusing on not being acceptable, that is what will keep happening. Stop focusing on what women want and why they reject you, focus on what you want and who you want to be. Stop thinking about them and start thinking about yourself. Who do you want to be, what attributes have you got, what is attractive about you, and so on.

      • Red says:

        Well said! It’s more about how you see your self than women. Change the way you see yourself and you will attract the person you want. Be true to yourself too while at it. How you really feel about yourself has to come from your core. You can’t cheat that.

  4. This Is Why Many Of Us Good Men Are Still Single Today says:

    I have commented on here already but just to add a few more things is that many women today unfortunately have such a very bad Attitude Problem, No Manors at all, and a Rotten Personality, and like to Curse at us men when we will try to just start a Normal Conversation with a woman that we would really like to meet. Since society has really Changed for the Worst of all and so have Most women nowadays which makes it very sad since there are a lot of us Good men out there that Can Love and many of us do want to meet a Good woman to be with. Now with all these Reality Shows that they have on TV which has certainly Corrupted many of these women’s minds since they have become part of the show. I had a woman that i really had hoped to meet which she Cursed at me for No Reason at all when i just said Hello to her which was a very big Mistake on my part since i really thought that she was very Nice to meet. And i had a friend that had this happened to him as well which really makes me Believe that many of these women are Very Mentally Disturbed Or Gay to begin with. So it is really Not the men’s Fault these days that Most women do have very Bad Issues with men the way i see it which really makes it Very Difficult meeting a Real Good One for many of us Good Innocent Men that are still looking.

  5. Smithf341 says:

    When I originally commented I clicked the Notify me when new comments are added checkbox and now every time a comment is added I get 4 emails using the same comment. Is there any way you may take away me from that service? Thanks! ecekkeaeedcbdeed

  6. Mr. Casey Lee Anderson says:

    You need to a “world” of alot more reasons than just these 10 reason, and re-word it a little. like 10 reasons or more reasons Men have difficulty finding and holding onto love or something of the sort. I’m 25 yr old heterosexual(straight), genetic(xy chromosome) adult male and still present myself as such had to say that, and I never once had a girlfriend let alone a first kiss at all. I believe the reason why i never found the right girl for me, is because I came onto too strong with my feelings, girls want someone to share their feelings with and they don’t want to be scared off. so what am wondering how to not to come onto too strong which i’ve always did because I’ve literally felt actually “love” for the girls that i’ve liked/loved even if they didn’t like/love me back, I’ve literally “loved” my crushes, my heart always broke like the boy or male adult in the 1998 movie Great Expectations minus that first kiss or any kiss but the heart part really felt like that though each time those crushes rejected me.

    • Stuart says:

      I was expecting this article to list men who suffer from mental disorders that would find it impossible to love a woman in a healthy relationship.
      E.g. Narcs, pathologicals, extreme social-anxietys etc.
      I guess the points listed though are meant to reflect the average guy who can easily show some of the above characteristics.
      I think guys have and always have had a tough time growing up into ‘adults’ and fully grown men for many reasons. Women apparently actually grow physically, emotionally quicker than men for a start, I definitely picked up on that in school haha! Anyway, there’s also been a huge dent in the fatherhood realm across the world, guys have either grown up with just the female component in their upbringing (even with the addition of female school teachers in infant school, I don’t remember many male close role-models in my childhood) or had a physically present dad who lacked the emotional bonding abilities etc or other reasons i wont bother to write on about here.
      I wish there were more of these articles but about women, because they are often held up as almost perfect in dealing with emotions and relationships/social except in many cases they’re not, don’t get me wrong, I understand women are naturally good and well-equipped for functioning well relationship wise.
      Personally feel, the majority of problems between women and men and the way relationships tend to work out between them are from men BUT, sometimes more so from the woman, and anyway there’s always things to work on and improve and it’s usually more ourselves that needs growth than whats outside of us 😉

  7. JasonL says:

    I dated from age 15 to age 35, went out with dozens of women few relationships lasted more than a month or two. At 35 I wanted a family and kids and I met someone we got married. All through all these relationships I never once fell in love. I married for practical reasons someone who I could get along with and who shared similar interests. The sex stopped soon after we married like it did in all relationships that lasted more than a few weeks. That was 25 years ago. I just wasn’t interested and wanted the kind of sexual variety I’d had when I was single. For years I’ve wondered what made me unable to fall in love. For most of my life I told myself that I just hadn’t met the right person but now, in my 50’s I’m beginning to doubt that excuse.

    • Derek says:

      We have a society built on the law and glory of a successful monogomous lifetime relationship. I have had many monogomous relationships and many lasting a year or more. Women are the most beautiful thing on this planet to me and nothing controls how I act, my appearnce, my health and fitness more than women. There is societal pressure to believe that we should have evolved past seeking out as many sexual encounters as we can. That’s BS. Most men think about other woman sexually daily, for some it’s anytime the opportunity arises. We are genetically built to seek reproduction with the most dominant “attractive” females. Do you think that drive stops after one??? Cuz it doesn’t. I struggle with maintaining relationships after the sexual attraction diminishes, which it always does… and from the sounds of things it happens to alot of men. I’m confident enough to admit that I love women, I just can’t love A woman and there is nothing wrong with that. My biggest fear is lying to myself about what I want and going through the motions of a lifelong commitment to one person. That seems more toxic to the mind then any stretch of not having a relationship at all.

  8. J. N. says:

    I would like to quantify that and add 11th. Men who for whatever reason won’t permit love to take in their life.

    It is a bit more rare variant and I am sure it comes off as judgemental, but in the interest of discussion this also describes me. People can’t be changed unless they themselves want that to change. You will only end up hurt, should you mistakenly try to ” heal ” someone when your compassion and presence might not be the answer.

    See my personal story is that nearly 8-years ago I was diagnosed with a rare uncurable disease and what it also means in my case is that I can’t have biological children of my own because of the nature of those genes.

    So 8-years ago at the age of 16, I had to make a choice I never imagined I would have to make. Do I accept what is and find another way to live a good and happy life? Or will I be selfish and drag someone else to make me feel better at the 3xpense of their happiness?

    I came to the conclusion I was taught to believe to put others needs above my own, and how could I live with myself if I would do the selfish alternative anyway?

    So I won’t allow anyone to get that close, not because I am afraid, not because I want to protect myself from others, but because I must protect others from me, for who I am, or rather, of what I am.

    Perhaps it is selfish too, but if being selfish means that then it is the unnecessary evil burden I must carry with me.

    • John says:

      I made the same decision though for slightly different reasons. I have been too badly broken, growing up with an abusive father, and a neglectful mother. I tried marriage, then because I have no idea what love is, found out that she cheated on me for years. I admit I got married for the wrong reasons. Thankfully we didn’t have any children. I now accept that I have no frame of reference to understand that level of connection, and no idea how to express or allow that level of intimacy. That part is on me. It isn’t fair to subject a potential partner to someone who doesn’t know how to love them or be loved by them. So I just stopped looking for it. There are advantages, I can work harder without feeling like I am hurting anyone. I can accomplish so much more. I find what little satisfaction is available in my work. I used to think about maybe adopting, but given what I know now, I think that is a bad idea. I have no idea how to love, I certainly couldn’t help anyone else grow into a healthy adult. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t know how to love or be loved just has to be the worst, there is no reason to subject another human being to that.

    • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

      I’d love to know what you base that statement on. Help us all out by expanding on what you think. Clearly I disagree with you but I am interested in what has happened in your love to get you to this point of view.

      • MGTOW101 says:

        What he is saying good sir is that women like men are just as likely to have these 10 traits that you list and describe. If not even more so. From my point of view most relationships fail in today’s society due to the lack of loyalty that most women have. They get bored and want something new which they can get easily. Women know this. Also seems like most women that are single or “available” have slept with a gross amount of partners in a short period of time. Sex seems to be this thing that has lost its value due to the amount of men a single women sleeps with in a short period of time. Today the dating scene is filled with STDS & lying whores. This “article” you wrote is just another white knight preach. For example #5 states that a grown man cant enjoy watching football or going to the pub without being a sad individual. Sorry to bust your balls but yes plenty of grown men enjoy watching football and going to the pub or having a women best friend (pal) who is also your lover. I know of a couple very good long lasting relationships that both partners are basically best pals as well as lovers. Whats wrong with that? The real problem is women are far more likely to pick up love from someone else then a man. When you have a vagina you finding “love” is pretty straight forward. If you have a penis you must compete against all other men constantly while maintaining everything a women wants. $ , a house, muscles, and $… did I mention $? Today women have so much entitlement that they will sleep around as if they live in a brothel but then later on want you to feel special and loved when they sleep with you. As if your gonna be that special guy that she hasn’t found yet through years or even decades of “free love”. For example a women who is married sleeps with and gets pregnant with a different man then shes married to but then files for divorce and tries to get alimony out of her now soon to be ex husband just because the guy she got pregnant with turns out to be a loser with little $ & or assets. From my POV the majority of women today are gross which is sad to say because I love women. I will be replacing my lack of “love” with the loyal companionship of a German shepherd. Sex is not a requirement for happiness. So instead of going out and having sex with a different partner every week I am going to raise my puppy and concentrate on making $ and working on myself. Nothing else. This is what I have been doing for the last several years and I have lots of $, a loyal to the core dog, Muscle mass, and my own mortgage free home. If I spent my time chasing after women instead of working on myself I would not have what I have now. Instead I would be divorced, poor, and miserable. YEAH No Thanks keep your STDs, fatherless kids, crazy cats, debt, and Drama away from me! You can say all you want Graham but the reality of the situation is more women cheat then men because it is easier for them to do so. Therefore many men opt out of the dating life. Who cares if you don’t have a wife at home waiting for you? At least then you know you wont be losing half of your hard work to a two faced lair.

        • Letsbehonest says:

          I respect your view as a man. But there are women who would love to be with one man. So many men want to live the male privileged culture created by men for men, even though they are the loneliest men on the planet. I wonder when men will start to question this value system made by men for men? Doesn’t seem to be working so well in the long run. Seems like you might have a higher standard than most Heffnerians today. As long as you treat women the same way that you want them to treat you MGTO. Respect isn’t just something that men are entitled to. Treat women with the same respect you want. To be a woman in this culture means to settle for never being enough for one man, which reversed is . Why should any woman settle for that? Why would we? I might buy a German Shepherd as well.

    • Linda Ngige says:

      Not so many mens are just not open to love. There are good women’s in this world, I know because I am just that a good women.

      • Gabriella says:

        Your right. I’m one of them. I always try and make a relationship work unfortunately I pick men who can’t love. Their still attached to their ex wives who left years before. They put everything and everyone else before you etc.

  9. RealityCheck says:

    I really wish the good old fashioned women were still around since they really made a much Better wife back then compared to today.

    • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

      What is a good old fashioned woman to you? Do you mean one that is submissive and does all the chores or do you mean one that mothers you? What is the difference today? What has changed for you? I am fascinated in your reasoning.

      • Nobody says:

        In this day and age, a lot of men and women are lacking in loyalty. People just don’t give a crap these days.

      • T. S. says:

        That’s probably what he means. I’ve found a good ‘old fashioned’ woman who I am currently with. She does everything for me and always tells me how much she loves me and how lucky she is to have me. At the start of the relationship I felt the same way. I feel like I’m just too greedy and want MORE, I always want more. She’s beautiful, smart, successful, but I just don’t feel like I love her and I honestly don’t know why. She’s a complete catch but I just have mostly stopped feeling anything towards her. It makes me feel guilty

  10. TheRealHonestGoodAnswer says:

    Well now that so many women have certainly Changed over the years i really do Blame them instead of Blaming myself since i really didn’t do anything wrong on my part at all. Many women now have their Careers and are making a lot more money than us men really do since they will Never go with a Good man like us that make much less Money than they do which makes it very sad for us now that much more women today are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, and very money hungry. That certainly has a lot to do with it why Good men like us Can’t win at all with women, and Most women in the Good old days were Never like that at all since both men and women in those days had to really Struggle back then to make ends meat and Accepted one another too since many men and women years ago hardly had any money at all since they really had to live with their parents anyway. It is very sad how times have changed over the years, and it is just too bad that many of us men weren’t born at a much Earlier time like our parents were which we would’ve been all settled down by now with a Good wife and family that many of us still Don’t have today.

    • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

      You sound very angry about women, what has happened to create this in you? Leaving aside the differences between men and women and how you feel women have changed over the years there is an issue you need to deal with, in my view. That is your tendency to blame others for what may be wrong in your life. It is never the other person’s fault. We are never blameless. I would suggest that you need to take a good hard look at yourself and find what is going on in your life.

      • Mark says:

        Well for many of us good men out there it is very true how women have really changed over the years which i will certainly agree too. You really Can’t blame us men that really do feel this way which it is hurting many of us really bad since there are so many other men that will agree with me as well. Times have really changed since the good old days, and today is a totally different time that we live in. What huts many of us which we have feelings too is that Millions of other men and women out there have been given the gift of life since God has really Blessed them with a family. And why should we have to be Alone all the time when God really said that man should Not be alone. Peace.

        • Nobody says:

          But it’s not their fault that they’ve changed. You should be pointing fingers at what encourages people to behave the way they do. People are brainwashed by meaningless crap

        • Stuart says:

          When you say you ‘good men’ what are you actually saying? It’s very vague and personally, leads me to believe you are perhaps someone who has living using the ‘nice guy’ personality. I did that for a long time, I guess though I even thought it was just me, who I was, not a go-getter with women, but no, it was just insecurity, finding women to be alien and so I used manners (ugh), if i still cared in the paranoid sort of way i used to i would cringe when looking back. But it doesn’t matter, it was an awkward time like it is for most.
          So when you say good men do you mean men who are strong, loving (not coddling), mature. respectful, emotionally stable and available etc or do you mean good men as in men who are walk-overs, that because they have been well-behaved in most areas of their life they feel entitled to ‘have’ a woman?
          Because the latter is so ugly when you really look into it, and I used to be like that, cringe! ahah

    • Monet says:

      I found this site because I am on the other end traditional, kind and have found myself now in a world where men have changed . I was married for 20 years and I am 46 now but also not in s. Cal but still men are not gentleman and I am attractive and this man I have been dating is possessive but also has has never given me a 1.00 card for Xmas or my birthday every time he speaks he says “I” are there still men out there of the human condition?

    • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

      Hi Diane, yes that would be great. Please ensure I am credited as author and the site is credited. Let me know you you publish it. Many thanks for your support. Best regards, Graham.

  11. Olayinka says:

    Hi Graham
    I’am 19, i had a crush on a guy for five years of my secondary school year and when he didn’t recipocate, i tried dating. My first relationship was a distance relationship lasted a year minus 3day. We saw just once all through. I dont realy feel love for the other guys I’m curious and just want to explore.
    Okay my mum is a single mother and she loves me a whole lot but she wants me to stay clear of guys and relationship. Al she wants to hear is i dont have a boyfriend since she was so pissed when i told her about my first boyfriend. Ever since when it come to guys mum dont want to hear it she believe i should face my studies squarly, i cant even tell her have kissed at all let alone kissed 15guys while exploring, so i tell her what she wants to hear. My dad loves me and i know, though we did not have the father daughter relationship but when i tell him about my relationship and the problem am facing with men(sine i have men that are well older than my father asking me out) he was understanding.
    Anyways i like to kiss but that those not mean i love the guys i’ve kissed. When it come to loving someone i can’t i just get attracted or polite or show care for a little while just to make the person feel good. Men can be egocentric.
    I’m quite attractive and i have lots of guys on my hands that i feel little for who are friends or should i say i ‘friend zone’ them.
    There is this guy i feel very comfortable with to share my insecurities and indecison. I’m comfortable enough to sleep in same bed with him. But then am only comfortable with him am very sure am not in love with him or anyone else for that matter. My first love so to speak, i dont feel that way about him again though we talk and share experience. I see him as friend and we run a competition together about succeeding expecially academically. The competition is in my mind. I want to tell him i dont love him anymore but i think he is starting to recipocate, his father asked me out and i told him and my mum too knows about and that tainted him in my mum’s sight since my life is revolved around her i tell things when i cant handle it but still she manage to make it my fault and say am the one parading in front of them, had i stay indoor it wont happen. Even when i know she will chastize me, i still tell her stuffs close to the truth.
    I can’t make concrete desion about most aspect of my life without her. Though I can have a boyfriend if i want to but i can date sombody i dont love or feel comfortable to share my stuffs with, Though my mum dont want that.
    Am into media and meet lots of guys, men, men in every sense that means but not men enough to speak truth and stay with their wifes. I’m so cold when it come to matter of love and no one as ever get me except a few and they dont last. I know i have lots of thing to do with my life since am really just starting, and am also aware that there a some battle of decision i have have to fight myself but Am so confused and dont know what to do. I tried to tell my friend so to speak that am scare of heartbreak but have not experience that too. Ther should be someone i will love enough to risk heartbreak for and defi mum with but i can’t seem to be capable to offer enough to recieve when it come to love and relationship. I also tell myself that relationship is a stress am not ready for. Though I love been independent especially on a guy or man. I’m also the kind of person that believe a guy dose not have to pay my bills or take me to see places when i can go and pay myself.
    I love my life now and believe i’m lucky but the great question is wont these affect me when i want to marry When i cant love or feel for someone how will i be able to feel comitted to anyone to have a serious relationship or even marriage for that matter? I’m totally confused.

    • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

      I feel your confusion and I am not sure how to help you. You really nned to find someone you can talk to to get to truly understand what you are feeling. My immediate advice is to let go of the idea of a relationship at moment and concentrate on yourself and your life. You are right in that you won’t find happiness with another if you are not happy in yourself. You need tyo find what you want and stop seeking it in another, whether it’s your mother or a boyfriend. There is no need to rush into commitment or marriage. Find a way to enjoy YOUR life.

  12. Divya says:

    I realize this article is so old but after reading the comments I thought I’d get this off my chest. I met a guy by posting a craigslist ad over a year ago. We both have bipolar. During our relationship neither of us were taking our prescribed medications. This led to a lot of arguing. He would break up with me then I would post another ad and he be honest about and it would set him off. I told him I’m looking to be in a relationship for the long haul and if you keep breaking it off I have to keep looking. Well it ended beginning of this year. I spent time in the hospital getting back on my medication. I actually sent his grandmother two letters which i deeply regret, but i was really hurting at the time and i just wanted someone to make him accountable. He was in a relationship which ended and he finally called me. We talk for hours daily. I have told him repeatedly that I love him with all my heart. He admitted he still thinks of the times we had sex and that it turns him on and that he had the best orgasms with me. Currently I study the bible once a week and i told him flatly i will not have sex again before marriage. He talked to his grandmother about me who told him just be her friend basically don’t get involved. He told me he needs time to heals from breaking up with his last girlfriend. Finally he told me I love you as a friend. Then he told me he had to go masturbate and go to sleep. I am in awe of how much I wish we could actually get married and be a couple and all he sees me as is stress relief as he calls it. We talk for multiple hours a day effortlessly without silence. How could he not see me as more?

  13. Kitkatman says:

    I’m sorry but this something that will never come to an end. If your a therapist whose 65 and men at that age can’t figure it out what’s the point? You can’t take the masculinity of a man its in his genes, just like women have their feminine and we can’t take that away. Maybe you ought to realize that this cycle is not gonna end. Instead why not learn how to communicate and respect each other and try as always. But then again you’re too smart, I’ll pass on marriage. I have a 7 old boy who I raise by myself and I show him love and don’t treat him wrong because he’s a boy and one day he will be a man its that simple. Now if trying isn’t enough then nothing ever will because we are not women and we never will be, get over it.

    • Sherri says:

      If you feel you can explain manhood better then this guy then please drop some knowledge of your own via your OWN blog since you were so enlightened so early vs his 40 plus years of being a man.

  14. AM says:

    Men can’t empathise with women as fellow humans. We are ‘loved’ if we provide the sexual and domestic service that is expected of us. If we don’t provide this service, we are selfish. If we aren’t perfectly, super-humanly sweet and kind and nurturing and selfless, if we’re a jerk sometimes like a normal human, if we ever have a bad mood or an off-day we are b*tches. If we start getting old and aren’t hot anymore? Well, time to upgrade to a new model. Cast off like clothes that don’t fit, like set-up material objects or tools, but of course that could not be the man’s fault!

    We are not people, to men. Not really. We are interchangeable commodities. They think they love us but they love the service we are expected to provide for them. They feel entitled to this service and in their eyes we are worthless b*tches if we don’t provide it. They say we have sexual power over them because we are held responsible for THEIR sex drives, it is actually their penises that they have allowed to have power over them. It has taken me far too many years to understand this.

    • Robert says:

      You’ve apparently been burned for whatever reasons and I honestly wish you a full healing. Look inside yourself for the healing.

    • Ina says:

      I so agree with you. Do not pay attention to the guy who said “you have been burned”. I am 43 and 2 marriages later, I am done. I am still a head turner, but hey, they can only look. I can see through men now. I am done. And there are a lot of women just like me who are done with men and men did it to them. So guy, do not complain where are the women? You are destroying them, one by one. By certain age there are just not many women left who are still naive and will trust a man.

    • Hownottolove says:

      I never had love in my life to I meet my wife of 13 years now. She’s been a good wife and mother to me and my 3 kids. Never had a mom or dad, but got 5 brothers and sisters and they don’t no love to. So I’ve done it all to her. I lied, stole, cheated, lift her for drugs 2 times now and her love for me has been great. More then great, she taught me how to love. I was her first sex person if that’s what you call it. She called it love. But I think now it was gods love for me. Anyway 5 months ago she was seeing someone else. I no right off she was and found them together. This was all right after I put her tho school dead free and she never had to work by 23 I had my own business but not love. But 5 years ago I feel in love with her I no that now not at the time. Now I have to forgive and I can’t. I call her names that I call my self a lot of the time. Now 3 days ago I got cancer. I think to myself is this what I want?
      It is but I lost that love I never had and I don’t think all find it again before I see are maker

  15. Justin says:

    Hi all
    I am all of these men above.. I don’t want to be like it And I want to love. Do you know of any books, websites or things I can do to love a women

  16. Nat says:

    I’m one of those who can’t love nor do I care about intimacy and have no desire for sex with any one. I refer to be alone in my world, every thing is great in my world, I don’t deal with people, news or the world itself. I’m married 47 years and I haven’t lived one day with her, I have no interest in her nor do I love her, she’s just another person walking down the street, The only thing we have in common is live on the same piece of property.

    • AM says:

      Does your wife not want to leave? Maybe she’s the same as you, an asexual loner. There’s nothing wrong with that. I have loved and given everything I had, for nothing. Now I am starting to become like you and I think I’m becoming more content than I’ve ever been.

  17. B says:

    I get what most of this trying to say, but I do have a problem with one assessment. I don’t feel I need to “grow up”, if all I want out of life is a friend and a rehash of old times. You sir, are getting way off course with the way people should live.

    • Insidious_Sid says:

      “Grow up” and “Man up” and “step up” are all examples of classic shaming language used by people who are otherwise powerless over you but still really want you to get moving and help them with their agenda.

  18. Pam says:

    My last boyfriend meets the criteria of the first 3. I finally decided ending the 15 month relationship was better than suffering from a love-less relationship any more. It still hurts cause he was so sweet in the beginning but that’s not what is going to sustain a relationship.

  19. PlayMaker says:

    LOL it seems like I belong to numbers 2 3 and 6. There’s just so many things that I want to learn and do in my life like i want to learn basketball, cooking, playing board games, video games, cars, and others. They just keep on appearing one after the other. I keep on being busy all the time because of these hobbies. As a result, I don’t have time for girls. I’m in my 20’s now and I never had a girlfriend. Plus I’m on a mission to be extremely rich and I just perceive girls as troubles and headaches. It seems like I dont care whether I will be married or not in the near future. Haha I’m in trouble i guess

    • dave says:

      Mr. Playmaker – thanks for the very honest profile! You would like to believe that you want to be and could be a great husband and father, but there is no time for a “dating game” if it is full of drama and annoyance.

  20. Strong to the end says:

    I have seen it all too often with so many damaged women: many women are unfortunately afraid of a man who actually IS capable of love. They oftentimes fear a guy who will look them in the eyes rather than at just their body’s. I don’t know how many countless times I have tried to be forthright in admiring the inner beauty of their face or their eyes. So many women will project a look of shame when I try to communicate with them in this manner. What has happened to our world that women perceive their only virtue as their body? It isn’t their fault for the most part. So many women in the Western world have been used, deceived, mistreated, victims of sexual assault or conditioned into a very disgusting view propagated by men who truly cannot love. There are still actually some men in this world who have honor and also respect for the humanity of a good woman. And we are not over-feminized little men. The fact of the matter is that despite a few minor anatomical differences, men and women are human beings. Many women secretly long for a man to really care about them and understand not only their wants, but also who they are as a sentient human being. There is the undeniable fact that men and woman both crave the baser carnal desires of sex. But sex is not the end all of companionship. I have seen couples who have been married for 50+ years, and there is something far beyond basic lust and desire that kept those people together. For some marvelous reason, they became the closest friends through hardship and joy alike. They persevered and became more than friends; they broke the bonds of all outside influence and became family, regardless of whether they had children. They were no secrets between them and no disharmony. The pressures of the world, the obligation and expectations of “society” became a low priority for them. they discovered the full beauty of each other’s humanity with all the good and all the bad. Being able to truly communicate must have been the key. If I have to “buy” my wife, then I would rather not have one, or at least wait until I can find one I can look in the eye and see the depths of her soul, and the same goes for her. Human beings are animals, but there is so much more to us than say bears or dogs. There is a depth to humanity which is compassion and true concern and caring for abstract things about our nature. there are those undefinable moments when two people who TRULY love each other are in spiritual harmony. This, as a man believe it or not, is what I am looking for in my wife. Just as I am a free, sentient and living soul, I deeply desire to have a wife who is also that. Physical “beauty” is becoming less and less important to me than than the ability to truly communicate. I can love, and I can love with sincerity, depth, understanding and compassion. To all the women who have been almost destroyed by pimps, idiots, ultra macho control freaks, and self-centered egotists, please know that you need to stop wasting your time trying to save these buffoons from themselves. There is a whole world a decent, loving, rational and very lonely men who still have honor and prize the light of your souls found in your eyes above all else. Just because those clowns have a lot of money, and mostly nothing else, doesn’t mean you need them. Be selective in choosing your husband. There are many of us who also make a decent living, are good looking and caring, but the reason we don’t “pursue” you is because we respect you and we aren’t egotistical, which we sometimes mistake as a lack of confidence. We actually have that in abundance, but it is our mistaking and high self-expectations that makes us think we aren’t “good enough” for a TRULY beautiful woman. Please don’t think you can ever save a pimp, abuser, self-centered moron, or a womanizer. Don’t let those assholes use or hurt you anymore.

    • Mary T says:

      I’m having exactly same feeling to men what you described about women, also I wish I will meet truly capable man some day.
      However, we are living this Earth which very heavy vibration because around 70% of populatations are still immature souls. So, I have to find mature souls from rest of 30% and it is pretty tough. I’m writing this with metaphysics point of view because only with this theory make sense of this situation and gives me the answer for how to end up this my Journy for meet right person, maybe…they said also we are agreed with this difficult challenge
      before born to this difficult place as the Earth on purpose. Our pure souls were born from the source of pure love, so we are also pure love being. But once we were born here and connect with homo-sapient body then our knowledges as soul got blocked then we are all should be start as a blank of paper. We have to do lots of study for find ourselves and who we are. In this process, so many people trapped the bait of materialistic desires and totally forget real reason to be here. And results are almost destroying this Earth..by those immature people. They doesn’t care others at all, of cause they never think who they are, why they are here and what is the purpose of this life. They became too materialistic then they never think that all our core is LOVE. So, how those people think love others?
      I’m trying to my real partner during in this life, it’s not easy but just only one person is needed, worth to try even 30% possibility to find. But during this journey, I got hurts by chooses wrong persons.
      I’m prayed and cried a lot.
      Then one day, I realized that this plan of divin is really working, because now I’m find only love is an answer and manifesting trying to give love and care to
      the others cuz I won’t hurts others as just I’ve got in my life. 70% of selfishness are needs a bit more study but also they’ll find out this answer some day.
      We can learn from only own experiences, not books..etc.
      So, they’ll feel same pain just as I got it by them for sure, until they’ll get same answers I’ve got.

    • Danni says:

      My fiancée of 3 years has always been selfish, sneaky, and lies everyday, he’s always hidden his debit card his finances, didn’t want me to know his pay days, I had little income next to him but provided everything for our 3 girls from clothes, toys crib, bedding, household stuff, he bought and spent nothing but gas, he never did anything for me or the kids, didn’t even know what size diapers his 5 month old wore, he went to Cancun with his family on vacation 3 years in a row promised when I had our daughter he wouldn’t go on this amazing 7 day trip to cancu w out me, well June came again and he begged to go saved for himself but not me made threats my life would basically suck if I didn’t let him go,I couldn’t even imagine being away from my man 7 days and enjoying myself, I’m so hurt and pissed I don’t think I wasn’t anything to do w him anymore I’m at my limit, we all need healthy limits and boundaries! SoS

    • msmel99 says:

      Wow! What a beautiful message. You have truly made me open my eyes to what I didn’t want to see. How refreshing to hear these words from a “real” man. Thank you!

    • Sherri says:

      Normally, it seems that men who share your wonderful mindset are only that way unfortunately when the looks and money aren’t there which would give them access to women unlimited. These type of guys usually are appreciative of what attractive women would give them the time of day. Same with women when they get up in age and their looks are fading.

  21. Jennifer says:

    I’ve been in a relationship for 15 months and I can’t understand why my boyfriend can be here every weekend but not act like he cares. He says he loves me when asked but it’s like I have to remind him I exist. I feel so lonely. He doesn’t look up when I walk in the room, he rarely says anything, he just reads articles n plays on his phone. I’m at the point where I’m pathetically jealous of a phone! We have sex about 3x a month and we are in our late thirties. I feel so hopeless. And instead of trying to show he cares, he sends me posts about how whatever random articles justify his isolating behaviors.

    • Pam says:

      I would move on. As hard as it is, you don’t want to spend the rest of your life yearning for love. It’s not your job to fix him. Somewhere out there is a man that knows how to make you feel loved the way you deserve to be loved.

  22. Insidious_Sid says:

    #9 – emasculated men: you can thank feminism for this.

    #11 – don’t forget men who have simply realized, after a simple cost benefit analysis, that women (especially Western women and most definitely feminist women) are not worth the trouble. And “trouble” can spell life-long financial ruin for a man these days.

    MGTOW all the way.

    • Adrian says:

      You hit it on the nail, my friend. The benefit is just not there nowadays. I can honestly say it’s easy to love women, but the trouble of keeping them happy is not worth it. And the financial aspect, well let’s just say I had perfect credit until I got married. I’m now divorced. Thank god I learned from it though.

      • Insidious_Sid says:

        Fool me once, shame on you.
        Foor me twice, shame on me.

        Stay single my friend. As a man, your freedom is all you have as leverage in relationships with women – your freedom and the assets you’ve accumulated. Once you sign on the dotted line she owns your assets, your freedom is gone, and sex becomes a dog treat for good behavior. Why?

        Because the relationship is based on her having a massive upper hand – a total imbalance of power.

        If you can’t get what you need from the “fairer sex” without cohabitation or marriage, then just don’t.

        Stay strong. Stay single.

  23. Kate says:

    There is one figure missing here- the divorced man who cannot let go of his longterm ex wife and holds onto her and turns to her when there bumps in any new relationship he might have. Issues of dependency which entail his ex wife and adult/children. I have been dating a man who still holds onto his relationship with ex wife and allows her to have say in what he should or should not do. She broke us up and told him I expected him to change too much without knowing the facts of the compromises we both had made to be together. She had affairs on him and he forgave her but she is one of those women who appears to have the Golden Uterus Complex and looks to her ex as an ATM machine. The relationship has recently ended and we are talking but I am very reluctant to be with a man whose identity depends on his an ongoing relationship with his ex wife who was not very honest in their relationship from the beginning as she hid all her affairs from him until the end. Any comments regarding dealing with this type of man Phoenix- one who can’t let go and move forward with his life?

    • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

      I think you are a bit harsh there. It may be true of the men you know but I know many men who do not fit these categories. Why do you feel this way about men?

    • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

      You need to look to yourself and let her go. The ideal person for you is out there, allow her the space to find you.

  24. Rosie says:

    I am so ashamed of myself. I met someone whom I found extremely attractive and nice. But it turned out after one year that he is incapable of loving anyone. Why would not someone know how to love? He has a string of broken relationships behind him and he blamed all of them for their split up. I feel like I have known him a lifetime, like time stopped still when I met him, but thankfully it has only been a year. Im not even sure he knows that he does not know how to love. He says he has so much love in him, he can love his step children as much as his own children and his own children understand that. Its all so confusing.

    • Shell says:

      Hi Rosie,
      I feel your pain, been there. He sounds like a complete Narcissist, look up Narcissitic abuse and I think you will see it’s not you, he’s not able to love, or evaluate himself logically.
      Hope that helps, also look up Melanie tonia Evans site as she tells you how to heal from it too, and explains it very well.
      Put yourself and your needs first, and stay away from him, they have no real emotions & are dangerous.
      Hugs x

    • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

      He has his issues which probably go far back. the important thing for you to see is that you cannot change him, he can only do it for himself. You should not be ashamed it’s not your fault. Look at yourself and your needs and let go of him, if that helps.

  25. Amy says:

    I really don’t know if my husband fits in any of the 10 items or if he has a little of each of them. We have been married almost 46 years and we I should say he never had or wanted a love life with me or any one. We had sex, intimacy once on our wedding night and he hated it, it was vile and disgusting. Couldn’t understand why humans do something so gross, he told me he never wanted to experience it ever again. I only has sex the one time and it lasted maybe 10 minutes so having any opinion would have been a unjudged opinion. He never slept with me, worked all the time on the midnight shift and was never home with me. He lived in our basement and thats where he ate and slept. He didn’t want to talk or see to me, he just avoided me. This has been or lives, and were beyond the age for sex (67 and 69 years old). I personally hate all men and waiting for our life to end. I just don’t have any more energy to move forward. Its called giving up and living with what I have. (NOTHING)

    • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

      I have to say that I am 67 and am not beyond the age for sex! I don’t quite understand why your are still with him after all these years. He seriously needs help. As for you, it is not too late to look to yourself and find out how you can heal and move on. I don’t know what your circumstances are but it is not right that you give up on life, there are still plenty years ahead. Find the energy and move forward, you must look at how you can do this.

    • wendy says:

      Just wanted to say great insight. I have been seeing a man for 2 years & his fishing will always come before me & now I understanvd. But I end up living a seperate life.

      • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

        It helps to understand him, but that doesn’t change him, he needs to do it. I’m sorry you lead a separate life, what can you do for yourself?

    • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

      You couldn’t be more wrong. I appreciate your comment but you miss the fact that this is directed at men, men who have given up on life. I would love to know which bits, specifically, you find pander, let me know.

  26. Anna says:

    I started seeing someone over two years ago. We really hit it off, were very attracted to one another. He was a MD and I was a RN. I was never interested in this type of “taboo” relationship as a lot of MD’s can be jerks. Needless to say, we hung out when we could, but he eventually moved away. He comes back every few months to work. We always kept a friendship via phone, texts, etc. I always kept a little flame in my heart for this man. He got involved with someone and couldn’t see me on one trip. I was alright with this, as I would never sabotage anything. As we met briefly one day as he rode into town, he told me that he ended the relationship and that he would be back out here in two months. He mentioned to “not be a stranger” and that “you have my number.” I called him on his BD within those two months and we would text briefly. When he came to CA we connected, as I drove North to see him after my shift and his shift. Had a lovely dinner. As I looked at him, I said “Can I kiss you?” He said….”Yes, but I don’t want to hurt you. I’m not available as I live in another state. If it weren’t for CA income tsxes, I would be living here, but it’s nice to always come back and visit my brother (of whom live in Southern California and work…one of which is getting married in the next 10 months…) and work at the hospital. Anny, I have always been very attracted to you, and once you get through your graduate program, you are going to be able to write your ticket anywhere.” I said, “I know…grad school has balanced my life out much more. I’m not working the two full time jobs as much anymore, and I’m more balanced with my life. You know, I told my Uncle about you, and because I have not dated a lot, the guys that I tend to date or go out with, I envision them as a “potential mate.” But, my Uncle said to just have fun and that we should just enjoy one another and “hook up.” I also told him that he was the last guy that I had had sex with which was 2 years ago. He said, “Anny, that was so— long ago! But, that your Uncle is Brillant!” We then went and had sex in my pick up truck. Random…and something that I would never have imagined doing; but it was fun. After we were done, I said, “I would like to end up with someone like you one day…I know that I’m not your type because it would have happened already, but you are the type of person that I want to end up with.” He said “Nonesense, Anny, you are my type, I just live in another state…besides, you can do a whole lot better than me…I’m short, you can do much taller, tanner, darker…” We left the conversation and the following weekend I met him again as he worked a shift every day and had to go to The City for a conference and Holiday Party. He called me when he got back into town and said he look forward to seeing me, where to meet, etc. As we met at dinner, we had a blast. I laughingly told him that I was on my “period…” so that we couldn’t engage in any type of naughty behavior…he laughed…and said he was happy we could atleast share this, being the healthcare professionals that we are…” We finished dinner, and we held eachother tight. He took me to a hotel in a quiet place and we just held eachother for a few hours. We departed and I gave him a letter with some burnt classic Rock CD’s and a few CA lottery tickets, along with a small coffee gift certificate. I laughed and said this surely isn’t a love letter or a “good luck” with your life letter, just something fun…He gave me a hug and kiss and told me that I should text him when I get home after the drive. I texted him when I got home 1.5 hours later and it read: ( ), thank you for making the time to c me. U r always such a joy 2 b around & uplifting…truly! Have a safe trip home and FINISH STRONG! Goodnight, Hun. He had two more shifts left this week and will be flying back to his home state for two more months until he comes back to work again. I have not heard from him, s it’s been two days. I’m alright with this, just a little sad. I told my counselor, that I held onto hope with this man for two years…I still very much care about him, but I’m so involved in my work right now, and graduate school for the next 1.5 years. I don’t see myself staying in my current location for too much longer after school, as I would like to re locate. I have a lot of friends and family in TX where he is at, and have been visiting the state since 2009. I played college basketball in Louisiana from 2002-04, so I’m very familiar with the South, and I have always loved it. It’s just that my family is here in CA. What should I do. I think that I need to let go of him, as I told him how I felt about him in a round-about way…but, I’m certain he cares about me, too. They always say, if it’s meant o be, you should set it free and vice versa. Please advise…thank you for your time and help. I appreciate it so much. Just very confused, but as I listen to my heart these last two days, my heart tells me to keep working hard at my school and studies and the rest will follow if it’s meant to be with Him…

    • Wow, Anna, what a story! Thanks you so much for being so open and honest. It’s difficult to give advice with talking more deeply with you, but my intuition tells me to give him up and focus on yourself. It never works to chase a man, even if he seems like an ideal partner. The women I know that achieve success in their relationships say to me that it only happened because they vowed not to compromise. Anything less than 95% correlation with your vision is not worth it. If you would like to talk about this more, go to http://satpurusha.com/37000ft/ to arrange a free half hour session.

      Best wishes, Graham.

  27. Jean-Louis Blackburn says:

    I’m #3. Since I was 13, I wanted to be a combat photographer, and getting wounded in action just made it more personal.

    I tell women, “Do not fall in love with me unless you want to be alone and in the end a young widow,” but they don’t get it. They really think they can cure me.

    • That’s because they don’t really believe you! Somehow you are giving them the feeling that you want more but are shying away from connection and involvement. Is that true?

      In the article I talked about No 3 finding balance. Do you have a way of doing this? Do you connect with others, men or women? Or are you hiding ion your focus? Focus is essential to a man, but it can never be everything.

  28. Seriously says:

    well with so many Very High Maintenance Women out there today, it has certainly become very hard meeting a real good decent one to settle down with.

    • … and with so many sceptical, negative men out there, what do you think women feel!

      Get out of your head and stop expecting them to come to you. Try opening yourself up and becoming a man that a woman can trust and love.

      • lucy says:

        I read today it is not that you attract bad men it is that you acsept them and the lights went on I have a history of men who don’t love woman because I accepted them in my mercy mode I tend to be understanding I have learned I can listen but not get involved haha

        • Hi Lucy, have you ever heard of the book “Women who love too much” by Robin Norwood, I think you would find it very interesting. Women need to love from their strength, not just men. If you come from your caring, “Mother” Energy, you will only encourage a man to be helpless. When you accept a man who is not 100% of what you are looking for the result will be far from what you are looking for. Don’t encourage men who are not stepping up.

  29. Anastassia says:

    hi Graham brilliant article and also insughtful. my ex had a few problems from the list and i spent time beating my head on a brick wall over it. then i realised that the relationship was not doing any one of us any favours and called it off. the responses are interesting some people seem to be disturbingly bitter and angry. My advice to them would be to let go of their bitterness otherwise they will never be able to find real love . . .

    • Anastasia, thank you so much for your comment and your openness. If may say so your ex needs help, send him to me and I’ll sort him out 🙂

      There is a surprising amount of bitterness from a number of men, they are scared and unsure of themselves. My mission is to get them to build their. Nuer certainty and face their fears. I know many women, like yourself, support me.

  30. seantrevor scott says:

    I’m a mature man now – I’m 62 – and I never fell in love with a woman sexually, although I had, and have, close female friends of whom I am fond.

    The reason for this is probably too much input from the one parent – my mother – who loved me a lot but who smothered me – and this had a negative effect on my masculinity. I felt that there was and is a ‘lot of the woman ‘ in me.

    I don’t want sexual relations with a woman as there is a ‘block’ in this regard. Being too close to my mother stifled my sexual development, as I held all women inthe same regard as her.

    There was little physical affection between my father and me, quite the opposite, as I got many harsh beatings with a strap. I became frightened of my father and ended up hating him.

    In my late twenties I became involved with gay men, had countless ‘boyfriends’ simply because I was seeking that physical love and affection I never received from my father . I still can only ‘fall in love’ with men, and I’m hurting a lot inside as I don’t have anyone close at the moment.

    I pray a lot and try to do what is right, but I still yearn to sleep with a nice guy, kiss him and be held close in a tender loving caring way. Sex for me I’d not very important, but love is necessary for all humankind.

    Ive been hard on myself, but am now beginning to be less so, and am learning to be grateful for what I have. Sometimes when we ‘force’ ourselves to do something – in my cast to love – it eludes us!!

    So, what I’m trying to say is guys begin to laugh a lot and chill out naturally, and most of all pray and be patient.

    Love yourselves and love will flow into your heart.
    Treat others with respect as well as yourselves.

    Let’s try to build a better world – a LOVING WORLD.

    • Sean Trevor, thank for your heartfelt shorty, your openness and your honesty. I hear what you are saying and I feel your pain. All I can say is that it’s never too late to change or start again. I am 65 and recently remarried and now I am happy in a way I have never been before. You can put your pain behind you if you want to. If you want to talk contact me, I am happy to see how I might be able to help you.

    • lucy says:

      I am purely heterosexual and yet I have a block up as well not sexually relationally the walls have to come down for you to find true happiness and I know in this world what I am saying is sounds crazy but the desire to be nurtured by a man is also a block up another layer or wall. When you get beneathe the layers you will find yourself and the loveable guy you are to you you may find yourself sexually attracted to a woman at that point no gay bashing intended here you long to love a woman that is why you are not fulfilled and you can…..

      • Lucy, what you are saying does not sound crazy! The desire to be nurtured can easily just be a need to fill a void in yourself, that is no basis for a relationship. You should not long for a partner, man or woman, you should find someone that you love, who loves you. You can both still be strong, independent people who love being together but don’t rely on each other.

        “The highest state of Love is not a relationship at all, it is simply a state of your Being. Just as trees are green, a lover is loving. They are not green for particular persons, it is not that when you come they become green. The flower goes on spreading it’s fragrance whether anybody comes or not, whether anybody appreciates or not. The flower does not start releasing its fragrance when it sees that a great poet is coming by – ‘Now this man will appreciate, now this man will be able to understand who I am.’ And it does not close its doors when it sees that a stupid, idiotic person is passing there – insensitive, dull, a politician or something like that. It does not close itself – ‘What is the point? Why cast pearls before swine?’. No, the flower goes on spreading its fragrance. It is a state of being, not a relationship…” (Osho)

  31. John says:

    Wows what a great article!! I’m young but, after finally understanding how to recognize a relationship with a girl as lust oppose to love, I started trying to understand what love is. Honestly I see myself falling into some of these categories such as wanting control and too absorbed in myself. Maybe I don’t want to change mainly for two reasons. Many women are not perfect and its gonna be difficult to find a women who would not fall into one of the categories of a flip sided list of women who can’t love. Many women look to compensate themselves of insecurity and being sensitive with men who are the opposite. So why change if I won’t reap the benefits. Also it puts me in a mentality as a women will bring me to happiness but a women in a relationship isn’t needed necessarily for happiness. The second reason is that I enjoy being absorbed in myself and I need to fix my personal problems and be strong before I complicate my life with relationships. Regardless, great observations it can encourage change for people who want to and it is a great source of info. Well done

    • Thank you, John. You must realise that none of us are perfect and relationships need to start somewhere. I believe it starts with the man giving his love and respect to a woman. He needs to lead. You are young but if you learn to give rather than receive you can have an amazing relationship.

  32. Aoife says:

    Thank you for the article, great insight. My boyfriend is 30, I am 29. We have been togwther for nearly a year now. He says that he loves me and often shows it too. However we spoke about priorities recently and it turned into a discussion about feelings and emotions. While he says he loves me, he also says that he doesn’t always feel emotions very strongly at all because he is a logical rational and motivated person. But he wants to be happy, that he is happy with me. I am a very emotional person and it did hurt a little when he told me he doesn’t really feel the surges of love. Does it mean that we are not right for each other. I can accept him the way he is… But sometimes it’s just nice to feel loved. I love him very much! I just wish he could feel more…!

    • Aoife, men often find it hard to express love even when they feel it inside. This is not about you and it does not mean you are not right for each other. Your boyfriend needs to learn something he has probably never been taught, how to feel emotion and how to be present with his woman. If he is willing to talk to me I will happily see what I can do. You, in turn, should try not to take it personally, even when it hurts.

      • Aoife says:

        Hi thanks for your reply! I just came across it now 🙂
        It turns out that my boyfriend had an ex who was quite controlling of him and didnt treat him very well.. She had a young son who he was like a father to, when he broke up with her he was very hurt and upset and angry. Upset that he lost the child, angry at her for the way she treated him and angry at himself for allowing her to treat him this way. I think he still thinks of her a lot. This upsets me, it makes me think that maybe he had such strong feelings for her and that now he won’t allow himself to be hurt again. Like she may have been the one who got away in that he did have those feelings, and even though she wasn’t nice to him – he still felt strongly about her. On another note, if this is the case (that he isn’t quite over her – be it still loves her or is still angry about it) do you think that I should have patience and wait for these feelings to pass as I’m sure they will fade in time? So many places on the Internet say: ” if he’s not over his ex then run away, you should be number 1 in his thoughts!” They were only together for a year and a half and split up 3 years ago. How long does it take? He doesn’t like to talk about her with me because I get a bit insecure. But it seems that he sees a future with me in the way he talks… I’m confused, men confuse me!!!
        Thanks again for your reply, 🙂

        • You may be confused by men, but trust me me, men simply don’t understand women!

          Thanks for your reply and well done for sticking with him, he is obviously and emotional man and that can be so powerful.

          Don’t listen to random advice on the internet, look at who’s saying it. There are too many ‘relationship coaches’ out there who wouldn’t recognise a relationship if the walked into one. No, you don’t need patience, he won’t come round if you just wait for it. You need to take action to really find out what’s going on.

          You need to start by letting go of your insecurity, if you don’t do that he will never open to you. Men need to trust as well. His ‘big love’ failed because of how she treated him, deep down he is excepting you to do that as well. Be strong and take nothing personally, nothing.

          Then for a position of certainty you need to ask him where the relationship is going. Talk to him honestly but with judgement. talk about the previous relationship and what he sees for the two of you.

          Although my business is coaching men, I know a lot about women as well. If you want any help with this process let me know and we could arrange a free session to talk about how `might be able to help you and your relationship.

          Thank you for coming back and letting me know what is happening for you.

  33. Nat says:

    I can love all kinds of things, I guess my first love is ice cream and second is my cars and shop, and garage. Love a female now you got to be kidding. Its none of her business whether I love her or not. If I say yes then I got to put up with all kinds of shit. If I don’t I can keep her on a string and not commit to any thing.

  34. Gary says:

    What I noticed from the article was that there was no mention that men feel hurt and feel treated badly by western ( U.S, U.K ) society and the media.
    Many men are staying single and want nothing to do with relationships because of this.
    Many men are going overseas to find love becase they think they may get a better deal.

    • Mary says:

      A better deal? In what aspect? I think there are great women in america who are hurting and have been hurt because their men are caught up in themselves, in work and have no quality time for them. Are women overseas have no need for love,time and special treatment?

      • In my view it matters not where men and women are. It starts with what they think of themselves, their confidence and inner certainty and moves on to how they love and respect the opposite sex. You are right Mary that both men and women are hurting, let’s change that.

    • Anastassia says:

      You clearly cant love because yoy are looking for a ‘better deal’. As a Russian-born woman with many Russian friends both in the UK and in Russia, I can tell you that all women are very similar in their desires and their needs, regardless of geographical location. Those men who are going abroad will not find anything new, not for long anyway. Just thought I’d clear all this up as there seem to be a lot of mythological ‘fairies and unicorns’ type of stories going round the internet about how geographic location somehow changes a womans psychological and biological needs lol. This is a globalised world my friend and the ‘deal’ youre going to find will be the same everywhere just disguised under a different fancy veil lol.

    • Gary, that’s not what the article was about. I’m sure you honk you are right, but instead of complaining the way to deal with it to stand up for what you believe in. Relationships are not about how society reacts they are about how two people get to know and love each other.

      I am curious as to where you think men will get a better deal?

    • Gail says:

      Not treated well bu western women ??Say what ! You guys don’t know how to treat your women right….it is called being selfish and thoughtless…you go over seas because those women will take anything or anyone just to get into Canada or the US ! No offense but from what I have seen they bend over backwards to please the men and usually get taken advantage of by you men….Funny is that when they finally get to the US or Canada and see they have rights as woman…..they usually leave you and find a life for themselves….and yes this does happen.. ALL women even the ones overseas get sick of dealing with make selfishness, pride, ego and attitude and event usually want to leave……………You cannot be selfish and have an ego or be thoughtless of you want real love in your life ! No matter where the women are from we all have a common bond between us…

      • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

        “You cannot be selfish and have an ego or be thoughtless of you want real love in your life”.

        Well said!

  35. Amy says:

    I can’t figure out what category my husband falls in to. Were in our mid 60s and married 45+ years. I no longer have any interest in sex, really have nothing left to have sex with. But my husband and I had sex once in all these years, on our wedding night. The next day some thing switched off in his brain! He told me he hated sex, intimacy that it was disgusting, disturbing, smelly, messy and made him want to vomit. Also he couldn’t understand why any one would want to do something so revolting to another human. He decided he would move permanently to the basement, which he did, and that he volunteered to work the midnight shift. I was not to bother him, or talk to him and be quite. He worked nights for over 45 years and still has no interest in being or talking to me. He avoids any interaction or communications. My life is ruined because I stayed with this ugly person and I regret that. I’ll never forgive myself for this mistake. Doctors have helped me through the ups and downs. But I sure would like to know why a person just shuts another person off like he has done. It is so confusing and disturbing.

    • Amy

      Rest assured his behaviour is nothing to do with you. He has a serious problem that he needs help with. It likely leads back to an experience when he was young, one that he has pushed right down to the point where he probably doesn’t even remember it.

      Send him to me, if he will come, I will talk to him. That’s the best I can offer, but I offer it gladly.

  36. Doug Dolde says:

    “It’s an overwhelming emotion you have about another person, an emotion that you can’t truly explain but you can’t get rid of. It makes you want to be with that person, hold them, touch them, have sex with them. It shows itself as an exchange of energy, a polarity, that excites your soul. Love makes you feel great and totally transforms life. Love is worship of the other person, the woman who is divine for you. Love is the power house behind our lives, it is the reason we live.”

    This must be a fantasy. Youre an unrealistic dreamer or just have a good imagination

    • Not fantasy, Doug. I am not a dreamer and, although I have a great imagination, it’s not imagined either.

      I am speaking from my direct experience in my marriage. I know it’s correct because I live it every day.

      It can be your too, you just need to open yourself up to the possibility.

      What is it that’s blocking you from experiencing this, why do you think it’s fantasy?

      What is the challenge you face with relationships?


    • Mariela says:

      Why do you say this? I think he or she couldnt ha
      e described it any better!! Without love we are miserable…

      • Dean says:

        In my opinion love is a weakness have you ever thought that some of us would like to be alone because we can’t tolerate other people?
        Or maybe it’s just the fact that this generation is out of its mind the things we may have to do just to get a woman’s attention is pretty much propostrious thankfully I’ve never been in this situation because I don’t feel I have to prove myself to anyone to get their attention if men like myself don’t want to feel love then we really don’t have to even if it means dying alone then so be it this is our choice

  37. Jojo115 says:

    I’m 6o years old and despite dating dozens of women when I was single, putting off marriage until I was 40 and then finally getting married because I wanted to be part of a family, in all that time I never feel in love with any woman. For years I thought I was simply unlucky and never met the right girl. But after years of therapy I was told I suffered from intimacy anxiety due to childhood (non sexual)abuse in a home with alcoholic parents. This intimacy anxiety was so made that it would cause me to suffer from sexual dysfunctions if I attempted to date any one woman more than a few times. My marriage has been sexless almost from the beginning and despite a normal sex drive I can’t have sex with my wife without suffering from erectile dysfunction. As long as I have sex with women I can hold at arm’s length I can function with no problems. This is what I did when I was single. I would simply move from woman to woman as soon as any sexual dysfunctions would begin. Although I did have a few brief affairs after I first got married I felt that I at least owed my wife faithfulness so I stopped which meant no sex at all and this has been the case for almost 20 years now. I really want to just go out and find someone to have sex with and then leave when the dysfunctions start like I did when I was single, but I don’t want to lose my family. Years of therapy has not been able to fix this. One therapist said “the damage in simply too deep” Soom people just can’t love others it causes too much anxiety and the anxiety makes sex difficult.

    • Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I hear what you are saying and I understand what your therapist said, but I simply do not accept it. I don’t beleive the damage is ever too deep. I am not belittling what you have, and are, going through but I never believe that abuse of any kind cannot be let go of.

      I admire you for your determination and I think that your determination can win through. This situation is beyond therapy and is in your hands.

      FInd you inner strength, find your masculine core essence and you can find a solution. Look at why you are married and deal with what you find.

      I will be happy to talk to you if you feel it might help you. I am not a therapist, but I do know about alcoholism, being a man and sex. Just use the contact form on the site and send me an email.

      Best wishes

      ps I am 65 and still dealing with my issues. The transformation since I divorced at 60 has been dramatic…

      • wallace says:

        Bull – this is just pandering to the kind of crap women want to hear.

        How about men who have been deeply emotionally wounded or were abused or neglected as children?

        How come those things didn’t make the list?

        To real for those who want to blame men for everything?

        • Wallace

          I’m not blaming men for anything, I am just trying to help men see what can get in the way of them having a great relationship. There are just as many women who have similar problems but this site is not for women, it’s for men.

          Your anger is obvious and not helpful. If I can help with issues you are having I am happy to. Please email me so we talk about this further.


        • Gail says:

          I can see why Wallace has no real love in his life…..it is all attitude ! He is obviously defensive so that must mean something hit a sore spot with him…I think one of the points you made here in this article he saw in himself and is in denial and having a had time swallowing the truth in himself..I think it is sad……………
          My ex had an attitude and could not really love a woman..trust me I was a wonderful woman to him in many ways…but after finding out how how was with all his ex’s and telling me it was their fault for the break ups…I have come to realize that he fits a lot of what is in this article !All of the things he said he wanted in a women I was to him….and he still could not see that…he could not truly love me..even though he tried ….His attitude and walls he has up and his one sided ways of seeing things and not wanting to face the truth in himself ruined the relationship and destroyed it ! This is why he blames all his ex’s ! In our case I am sorry I am NOT the fault and I have put up with way too much and gave too much or my trust and self to him ! He will never have anything meaningful in a relationship because of his own self..his own worst enemy ! He will only have meaningless, temporary relationship that don’t last and will be alone all his life…A man cannot open intimately up with temporary women…everything will be shallow with them. That is a lonely life ! I still love my ex and cry for me because I am hurting….but I also cry and hurt for him…I pray something will click in him someday and he will realize he just threw away a precious jewel (me)..the one that would always be there for him and love him as he is…We have not spoken in 3 months now ..I have tried to but he is silent. it hurts when you really love a man like this and he cannot love you back…even when he once thought he did love me…it wasn’t really love because of his problems..I really tried to love him……..still do so much….

          • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

            The thing is that love is a two way street. We can think we love someone but if it is not reciprocated then it can go nowhere. I understand all you say about him and you’re right that he has lost a jewel. You must also, though, look at yourself and what you need. You have moved on physically, but you should also do so emotionally to open the space for the man who is meant to be with you to find you.

            Best wishes

  38. Karen says:

    Hi Graham,

    I stumbled accross this website when I was almost ready to end the relationship with my boyfriend. Over the last 18 months I have been at this point several times. For the past 4 years he has been goinf through a very messy and expensive divorce. He has lost everything he has worked so hard for in his 27 year marriage and has 2 sons. He suffered violance at the hands of his father who eventualy left before he gew up and has real intinacy issues, he doesn’t like to be touched outside of sex and can’t show affection. He is also an alpha male. I am a very tactile woman who was emotionaly staved growing up and was never shown how to show love and was sexually abused by my father.

    We both have deep emotional and psycological scars and are in a Dominant/Submissive relationaship. He being the dominant.

    He is not physically abusive towards me other than consentially while we “play”.

    However my need to be touched (cuddled) and loved is threatening our relationaship and am near the point of ending it with him. I love the bones of him and wnt to take care of him but don’t get what I need from him. Most people would tell me that there is no future in tis relationship but when he has been drinking he opens up a little and tries to tell me how he feels. I know it’s not easy for him and when I have a drink I get very emotional and tell him that I love him which is something I fnd very difficult to do any other time for fear of being too vunerable.

    In your experince have you ever known such a relationship to ever be healthy and survive?

    I don’t want to give up on him but I’m scared that we are too damaged to last.

    • Hi Karen, thanks for your openess and your honesty, I really appreciate it.

      I see your situtaion and the dilemma I face. It is not an easy situatiion to be in and certainly not easy to resolve.

      Before I answer your question I would like to clarify what I have found out about relationships from my own experience. Where a relationship is based on any form of co-dependency then it will eventually fail. Even if the couple stay together their relationship will die and become empty. This is what I call an “A” relationship, where the two lean on each other. A healthy relationship is an “H” relationship, where the two stand in their own right and their relationship is an added luxury.

      I sympathise with what you want and need but I have to say that I have never known a relationship, such as the one you describe, to be healthy and survive. You both have needs and desires that are not being fulfilled except in the extremities of sex. Neither of you appear to be in a situation to help heal each other’s scars and your actions only hurt each other.

      I feel that you need to look at and work on your issues about needing to be loved and the fear of being vulnerable. I won’t talk about your partner, except to him, other than to say that you are not in a position to help him.

      I would like to refer you to a book, “Women Who Love Too Much“, this was a great help to my partner and very revealing about women trying to love their partners.

      I suspect you expected the kind of answer I have given, if not I sincerely hope you understand what I am trying to say. Accepting this will not be giving up on him but starting to look after yourself.

      Please let me know if I can help in any way.

      Best regards and wishes

      • Challenged says:

        I believe I am a person who loves too much… I loved my kids this way, I loved all men this way and now I am in a relationship (married)to someone who is not only arrogant and immature at 54, he just said today that he misses his single life. He works his butt off, over 50 hours a week outside as an operator but never shows any real affection by doing anything really around the house. Pretty much if it is gonna get done I have to do it. He pays the bills and that is it. He is an angry tough guy, and has raised his voice on several occasions. two years married and I take care of his 6 year old child full-time and work part time.

        People will not have the time to be thinking so egotistically when times get tough…in the next years.. its a shallow existence , always walking around thinking that you deserve what you don’t have, becasue you work kind of entitled attitude.

        Me,- I don’t know how to treat myself good..He tears me down quite a bit and it wears me down. HE has no idea how to give me any attention short of sex. Yes it is extremely dysfunctional.

        • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

          Thanks for your open and honest comment, I really appreciate it. I see your dilemma, and I know he needs some serious work. But you cannot change him, he can only do it for himself. You need to look after yourself, starting now. Stop doing everything for him and not for yourself. Stop looking to him to fill your needs. Start looking at yourself and what you can do to fill your needs.

          If you need any help just send me an email.

          Best wishes

  39. mjay says:

    Here’s another one for your article:

    Men who lost everything in family court, who are tired of female perfidy, and don’t want to risk jail or bankruptcy a second time around.

    Blaming men has become a cultural pastime in this country – it’s tiring, bigoted sexism that would not be tolerated if it were directed against women.

    • Graham Phoenix says:

      You clearly have pain, and I assume justifiably so. That does not, however, justify this kind of bitterness. We are all instrumental in the life we create for ourselves and blaming others is simple a convenient get-out for not taking responsibility for our own life.

      Graham Reid Phoenix will never be a site for men seeking sympathy or support for the wrongs done against them by the courts or women, so don’t come here expecting it. There are plenty of other sites for that.

      I am sure there is much you can do yourself to help your situation. If you choose to go that route I am happy to help.

  40. m says:

    I randomly found this site through problogger even though I am actually female. I think every guy and everyone who dates guys should read this list. overall, the overarching theme is one that applies to everyone: balance! it’s key to good relationships with yourself, the world, others.

    gotta say it’s a bit funny you include austin powers as #9– I think only his wardrobe is feminine!

    some thoughts on the alpha males: having fallen prey to this kind of man (you’re 100% correct with the wolf picture) I have some insight into this personality type. I’m really happy to learn that other men don’t necc. admire or respect this kind of guy b/c our media really encourages that kind of behavior. These kind of men who must conquer women really aren’t interested in women– it’s about their masculine self image and relationship with other men. It’s a way of proving “hey see, I’m a big man”. These men not only suffer from egotism and boasting, they must belittle their women as a means of further inflating their sense of self. These men would never feel big or strong on their own, and must put a woman down in order to feel so. I’ve talked with other women who dated similar men and commonalities we found was that often these “alpha males” 1. grew up with an abusive or belittling father 2. actually hate (often envy) other men as much as they hate women 3. they are filled with self-loathing beneath the bravura– “consuming’ women is a way to dull and distract from that self-hatred.

    anyways, sorry for the novella, I know all men are not like that. I just feel our media really glamorizes the alpha lifestyle and wanted to show that it really isn’t

    • Graham Phoenix says:

      Yes, balance does apply to everyone. The actual list would be different for a woman (I am thinking about that one) but the essence would be the same.

      Thank you for saying what you and your friends feel about Alpha Males. The best I can say is that as a man I am embarrassed about what they do. At worst they are destructive of good relations between us. It so easy, however, for the media to trumpet them, shame on them.

    • Cerebral Narcissist says:

      Found this site after Googling “incapable of truly loving someone.” 1, 2 & 3 in “m’s” comment from 2011 fit me to a “T.” I’m 56, married 29 years and my wife is a person for whom caring comes so damned naturally. Makes me sick at times because I’m now learning I cannot. It’s only in the past 13 years, with her contracting MS and an on the job injury for which she still hasn’t been compensated after nearly 10 years, that my real true colors started to show. Prior to her MS, I’ve been unfaithful, using women for full body masturbation, and I am an addict who has been clean for 13 years. Still at times I want to get high and drunk all over again to numb the pain of real life. And my marriage problems are symptoms of the fact that I don’t handle setbacks especially when they come rapid-fire as they have for me in the past 4 years – prostate cancer treatment, three layoffs in 16 months, another position that resulted in a pay cut, stacks of unpaid bills, etc. I also believe I consume way too much social media, especially sites where women post all kinds of pics of themselves, and I’m wishing “damn, I’d love to get with her.” I’m looking for a therapist as I write because my wife has threatened to leave me and I’m tired of feeling like I’m in a dark place. Thanks for reading.

  41. Hi Graham,

    I’ve been each one of these men over the past 48+ years. Experience is a good teacher; and an even better teacher is the wisdom we gain when we finally learn that love is a gift that is meant to be poured out – not controlled, misrepresented or conditional.

    And showing love authentically is what a confident man does.


    • Alex

      Thank you for sharing. Yes, experience is a good teacher. I too know these men, that’s why I find it so easy to talk about them. It is all about being confident as a man and letting your partner see that.

      I love what you are doing and hope we can connect more in the future.


      • kate says:

        Nice to hear. My former partner seemed to always be in denial that he had no problems but that I was the problem. Finding authentic love in yourself is so important to be able to share it with someone else. Many women tend to put guys on a pedestal who have good looks or money and then cater to them. Men get used to this, which seems to inhibit them from developing real love for one women… Anyway, I enjoy reading some of these posts and learning that there are men out there trying to change and be aware of themselves and help other men (& women).
        I also like Chivalry Now- The Code of Male Ethics- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8JI2cJ1qbY
        This work seems to be aligned to what you are doing but your approach has a bit more humour.
        Thanks for giving me a laugh! (on a not-so-pleasant topic).

        • Thanks for your comment. We all seek the comfort of thinking someone else is to blame. We find personal responsibility difficult and scary. The only way forward is self-awareness through courage and vulnerability.

          I watched the video, yes, it aligns partially, but it portrays an unexciting prospect for men. It starts with “To Dream, the impossible dream…”, suggesting what…..

          Thanks for your support.

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