I left home and school at the age of eighteen and went off to work in the theatre, far away from home. I was rebelling against what I felt was a restrictive background. I was shy, not at all sure of myself, and not in control of myself.
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Why do I upset both men and women at the extremes when I write. What am I doing that scares them so much. Why can’t they acknowledge what is really happening in the world and join to make it even better.
I realised later in life that you can only control yourself. To lead others you need to be seen to be in control of yourself, then others will respect you and follow you.
My wife has been reading the book ‘Getting To “I Do” – The Secret To Doing Relationships Right‘ by the well-known relationship expert Dr Patricia Allen. She has been reading excerpts to me and I have been getting increasingly agitated.
I received an extraordinary email from Eben Pagan recently. That’s Eben Pagan who made millions as David DeAngelo of Double Your Dating.
He is the man who is famous for popularising dating and The Game amongst men, in his own words,
“… probably helped more men around the world how to be successful in dating than anyone else. Millions of men have read my newsletters, watched my videos and purchased my books and dating success programs.”
He said, in this email,
“Even though I had as many dates as I wanted (and occasionally a relationship that lasted a year or two) it just didn’t seem like it was ever going to really happen for me. I had actually “accepted” that I was probably going to be single forever…”
I didn’t dknow this but it didn’t surprise me, not because I know anything about Eben, but because I don’t believe all that stuff about dating. Continue reading →
Women seem to talk constantly about why men cheat. There is a perception that men cheat all the time, is this true? It creates an impression that men are not to be trusted, do you find this?
When both men and women are asked why do men cheat, the immediate responses are often,
… men cheat to get back in touch with their inner caveman.
… men cheat because they like to play with fire.
… men cheat out of boredom.
… men cheat because they want more sex than women do.
… men cheat because the wife always nagging.
… men cheat just because they can …
These answers come mainly from Urban Myth, are they true, are there any facts to back them up?
Since 1950, when the famous Kinsey sex study found that 50% of American men cheat, the number cheating hasn’t changed much, even with all of today’s opportunities at our fingertips, including the internet and chatrooms.
Why Men Cheat – Is Infidelity A Given?
How true is the idea put forward by men that ‘It’s our biological nature‘?
Scientific research has taught us that there are three hormones inside our body that determine how monogamous we are: oxytocin, arginine vasopressin, and testosterone.
Oxytocin makes people want to stay together. It is the hormone that forges the bond between a mother and her new-born baby.
Arginine vasopressin supports the desire to support your mate or offspring, an important aspect of bonding between couples.
It’s the receptors for these two hormones in the brain that determine us as monogamous.
Then there is Testosterone, associated with libido and sex drive, and also male characteristics such as muscular structure.
Testosterone conflicts with the bonding effects of Oxytocin in driving a person to seek more sexual partners, to be single-minded and to take risks. Men usually have up to ten times more of it than women.
Our brain makes constant, calculated guesses regarding the consequences of our actions. A high level of testosterone seems to influence our calculation in favour of the satisfaction of the immediate desire.
Does that mean men can blame their Testosterone level for the fact that they cheat? Absolutely not, although influenced, we still are responsible for deciding whether to act upon our impulse. So hormones are not the answer to why men cheat.
What other reasons do men have for cheating in relationships?
Many men have difficulty talking about their feelings, let alone showing them. Sometimes it can feel safer to meet with someone new than to speak up at home and perhaps jeopardise their long-term relationship.
Often men are cheating because they don’t know how to be in a successful relationship. Instead of dealing with their hang-ups, like fear of connection or fear of intimacy, they entertain the idea that an affair remains superficial and, therefore, safe.
There are men who cheat because of their own feelings of loneliness, or suppressed anger. Instead of stepping up and addressing those issues they run away and hide.
It seems that cheating can be closely connected with men’s inability to address issues in their lives.
Five Types of infidelity
It is recognised that there are a number of different types of infidelity. Each type of infidelity indcates a different cause of why men cheat:
Opportunistic Infidelity – You have a partner but give in to the attraction you feel for someone else. Driven by lust in the moment, the time is right and usually a little risky. Many men specifically enjoy this type.
Obligatory Infidelity – Based on the fear that not giving in to the sexual advances of the other person will result in rejection by them. This stems from the need for approval.
Romantic Infidelity – You are lost because your relationship is petering out and you look for a replacement, look for affairs. To quote the legenday B.B. King, the ‘thrill is gone’.
Conflicted Romantic Infidelity – You have a strong sexual desire for several people at the same time, as well as being in a committed intimate relationship. You feel confused and that confiding in the intimate partner is not an option, unless you are in an ‘open relationship’.
Remembrance Infidelity – When you fall completely out of love with your current partner and want to get back to when you were in love.
Who Are You Really Cheating, Your Relationship?
Usually you are cheating yourself. Most infidelity involves pretence and lying to yourself. Personal honesty is key to preventing this. Don’t promise to be anything that you are not. If you like hunting women, if that is you at your core, stay true to your word. Don’t start creating false pretences by telling women you always want to be with them. Because you know you don’t.
Remember you will always feel the pull of polarity. The decision to take it further, however, is always yours to make or not. Your Testosterone creates urges, it does not control you.
Graham Phoenix looks at why kissing his sons helps them to grow.
“I’d argue that perhaps the only thing that garners more suspicion than a father being affectionate with his daughter, is a father being affectionate with his son!”
I read this recently from a commenter on GMP and was amazed. I wondered if I lived on the same planet as this man or whether I have ignored what people think all these years.
I am a man and I have two sons who are now in their thirties. They are perfectly normal, well-adjusted men and we hug and kiss in public. This is not some overt display of family emotion: it’s just something we do. Am I supposed to worry about this, about what people might feel? Am I supposed to feel guilty and see the finger of suspicion pointing at me?
Last year I was working in a small church in Ireland, re-designing the lighting. I was in a design meeting with the architect and the priest (it was a Catholic church) and I found myself intrigued by some of the work that was proposed.
There was the re-design of the confessional that put a glass door in the front. There was the building of a mezzanine floor in the sacristy so the choirboys could change separately from the men and priests. I enquired about these, to be told by the priest that these were now a requirement because of the revelations about the terrible misdeeds of many Catholic priests.
The priest was quite unconcerned about the needs for these changes; he felt no personal guilt for the terrible happenings but recognized that the Church needed to feel a sense of public recognition, even guilt, for the situation. If strategic architectural changes meant the life of the Church could continue, then that was okay.
The problem with this is that all it does is feed people’s paranoia. It does nothing to change what individuals may or may not do.
I feel the same about how I behave with my boys, and with others in my life. If I stopped showing my affectionate feelings I wouldn’t actually change anything: it would just feed people’s paranoia. If I really were a sexual predator I hardly think that I would call people’s attention to it by such public displays.
I think that we help people to come to terms with their emotions by showing them that can display them openly. Here, I am talking specifically to men.
So many men are brought up to believe that showing emotion is a feminine trait. So many men fear how public displays of emotion might be interpreted by others. Instead of hugging, men slap each other’s backs in a show of “masculine” bravado. Men shake hands with their boys, fearing sexual tension if they bring their bodies together.
I openly kiss women and hug men—no back-slapping—and I put all my emotion into it. I rarely offend people. I kiss my gay male friends without any connotations or confusion.
Where, I wonder, does the guilt come in to such innocent displays of love? It’s clear that if men have taken things too far and crossed boundaries,then they should feel guilty. If men have taken advantage of their sons or daughters, then they deserve our despising of them. But love between family and friends: should that create guilt?
Perhaps men are confused by the feelings stirred by close physical contact. Perhaps they find their daughter attractive or find they have a response to the physical power and strength in their son. That’s understandable to me. I feel the power and energy in many people I have contact with, even my sons. I recognise them as men and enjoy the physical intimacy.
But I know the difference between close, warm physical intimacy and sexuality. I know when I am sexually aroused and when I feel intensely close to someone. I know the power of sexual polarity and I respond to it.
I feel strong sexual polarity with my wife, not with my family and friends. I know the difference.
Maybe that’s where the guilt comes in. That’s what causes the confusion: when men have not learned the difference between sexual polarity and strong emotion they get confused about what’s going on and feel guilty. Where people in general get confused about this they see things that are not there and start accusing people.
I love sex and I feel sexual emotions powerfully. I am in a relationship where I can express these emotions and thoroughly enjoy my sexual urges. How would I be if I didn’t have this?
Are men, as they are often presumed to be, just sexual predators who will prey on anyone they meet, including sons and daughters? Do men need to fill their sexual urges somehow? Are men incapable of controlling themselves?
For me the answer is “no,” to all of these questions. Sex is a powerful drive in men, but it can be controlled. There is no reason why men need to fear what they are going to do. Self-control does, however, require strength and maturity. It requires men to feel strong in themselves and proud of themselves as men.
I think this is achieved through emotional strength and authenticity. So I openly hug and kiss my sons so they can express their emotions and feel strong in the process. If I succumbed to feeling guilty and drew back, I would create in my sons the very guilt that makes people draw back.
In the end it’s a generational issue. If, as men, we show our emotions we clear the air and allow future generations to be open and authentic. They will no longer need to feel guilt.
In another articled I looked at “10 Ways A Man Can Love A Woman“. In talking about men in love I said,
It’s an overwhelming emotion you have about another person, an emotion that you can’t truly explain but you can’t get rid of. It makes you want to be with that person, hold them, touch them, have sex with them. It shows itself as an exchange of energy, a polarity, that excites your soul. Love makes you feel great and totally transforms life. Love is worship of the other person, the woman who is divine for you. Love is the power house behind our lives, it is the reason we live.
Gary Stamper in “Beyond Integral”, who knows a thing or two about relationships, has recently written on the importance of polarity in relationships.
He said, “I have a friend who doesn’t get the importance of sexual polarity in a relationship. He loves that they are in a balanced relationship, each holding equal parts of the masculine and feminine. I guess it works for them, but for me it would like pushing two north poles of magnets together, repelling each other. They are great friends, but not intimate. It’s definitely safe, but certainly not passionate. They are great roommates. I am happy for them, but it’s not what I want in an intimate relationship. it feels flat to me. The masculine and feminine are like two magnets, and the principle of polarity also applies to intimate relationships: if you put their north and south poles together, they attract each other.”
From my own experience I totally agree with him. Polarity is possibly the most vital element in living intimate relationships.
What is it about Polarity in Intimate Relationships that is so important?
Thinking about it after reading Gary’s post about the importance of relationships, I realised it is very basic:
- Polarity creates energy and intimate relationships are about energy. Energy gives them life and makes them exciting. I have learnt a great deal on this through Tantra where energy is everything.
- Polarity usually ensures that both sides in intimate relationships are in their core. It is critical that each person is at ease with themself and is comfortable with how the other is. Polarity reveals so much about this.
- Polarity ensures their is no confusion in intimate relationships. Each knows his/her contribution to it and each enjoys the contribution of the other.
- Polarity creates great sex, on both sides. This is important for the longevity of intimate relationships.
It was fashionable when I was younger for men and women to seek equality in their intimate relationships, I remember looking for this myself. It seemed fair to give the woman equal say in what happened in the relationship and for the man to equally contribute. There is no reason why polarity cannot include elements of this. Re-awakened intimate relationships will take the best of the past and integrate it into a new, exciting, energetic relationship.
What is your experience of Polarity in Intimate Relationships?
Balancing last week’s look at the Bushido Code I am looking at Shiva Shakti, the Hindu god.
It is worth examining who he is, what he represents and the lessons he has for today’s man. Some of you found Bushido too attached to violence and a destructive way of life, it’s interesting that Shiva is also connected to destruction. This seems to be a theme in men.
I looked, previously, at Shiva in Kali’s Sword, a post about women and their view of us men. In it I tell the story of Kali, Shiva’s consort, causing chaos on the battlefield. To calm her down Shiva lies down and lets her step on him. This shows how …
… when a man stands like a rock in the midst of female chaos she can lock on to him and let it all go.
This doesn’t seem to be about destruction, in fact it’s the opposite, preventing it. Continue reading →