Gary Stamper in "Beyond Integral" has recently written on the importance of polarity in relationships. I know from my own experience that he is right. Polarity is the most vital element in a living relationship...
Balancing last week’s look at the Bushido Code I am looking at Shiva Shakti, the Hindu god.
It is worth examining who he is, what he represents and the lessons he has for today’s man. Some of you found Bushido too attached to violence and a destructive way of life, it’s interesting that Shiva is also connected to destruction. This seems to be a theme in men.
I looked, previously, at Shiva in Kali’s Sword, a post about women and their view of us men. In it I tell the story of Kali, Shiva’s consort, causing chaos on the battlefield. To calm her down Shiva lies down and lets her step on him. This shows how …
… when a man stands like a rock in the midst of female chaos she can lock on to him and let it all go.
This doesn’t seem to be about destruction, in fact it’s the opposite, preventing it. Read more
I am always looking for advice on relationships and I recently found a fascinating source.
In the autumn of 1963 I saw The Rolling Stones, at the Odeon Theatre in Manchester, on their first UK concert tour as a supporting act for American stars including Bo Diddley, Little Richard and The Everly Brothers.
They were young ( I was only 15), rough and definitely different. Although I went to see The Everly Brothers, I have had a love of their music ever since and Urmila has had a passion for it. She used to occasionally sing for a Dutch Stones Cover Band and she retains a detailed love and knowledge of their work.
Other than for their music the Stones are not known for their advice on relationships but are known as men and for their relationships with women. Mick Jagger, who will be 70 in 2013, retains a swagger and a sexuality which is undeniable. Yes, he’s a ‘bad’ boy and yes, many women love him, we have all heard of Marianne Faithfull (“My first move was to get a Rolling Stone as a boyfriend. I slept with three and decided the lead singer was the best bet.”), Bianca Jagger (“My marriage ended on my wedding day”), Jerry Hall and L’Wren Scott, and been jealous, at some level, of his ‘achievements’.
Wikipedia said about him,
His performance style has been said to have “opened up definitions of gendered masculinity and so laid the foundations for self-invention and sexual plasticity which are now an integral part of contemporary youth culture”.
When you listen to their songs and the songs they sang you begin to see an interesting trend, they have a knack of giving advice on relationships. They may not be known for their fidelity but they do know about woman and how to treat them, or not to treat them.
With Urmila’s help, I have gathered some songs to help us men understand ourselves and find the right advice on relationships.
10 Stones Songs With Advice On Relationships …
1. (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction
I can’t get no satisfaction,
I can’t get no girly action.
‘Cause I try and I try and I try and I try.
I can’t get no, I can’t get no.
This is the cry of the young man who thinks he’s a stud and finds the reality is a little different. The girls just seem to avoid him and he gets so frustrated.
The problem is that he is ‘trying’. Instead of just being himself, enjoying life and communicating, he is being what he thinks a girl wants in a guy.
That doesn’t work, the girls run a mile, wanting a guy to be himself. Women can see insincerity in a man a mile off, no matter what the man does to hide it.
2. (Are You) Already Over Me
In the first flush of ecstasy
As you lay naked next to me
While our love put the dawn to flight
I just ignore all those warning lights
Having actually made it the guy realises that there’s nothing there that can develop. Both were following their drives and not looking at what they need as people.
Many relationships are forged in the flush of passion without ant attempt by either side to actually understand the other. Lust is amazing but, as I think most of us realise, it doesn’t last.
You need to be capable of being of being friends and companions. Life throws everything at couples and you need a strong basis to weather the storms.
3. I Wanna Be Your Man
I wanna be your lover, baby
I wanna be your man
Tell me that you love me, baby
Tell me you understand
Often the man just won’t accept that the relationship is not right and not going to grow. He starts trying to persuade the woman, trying to make her understand how great it all can be. He needs advice on relationships.
My wife said to me before we became a couple, “I can make my own mind up, thank you.” Pleading gets you nowhere with a woman, she senses weakness and uncertainty, bad things for a woman to see.
A man needs to be strong and certain in himself. He needs to be grounded and happy to be himself.
4. You Can’t Always Get What You Want
You can’t always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you just might find
You just might find
You get what you need
This is a great song and reveals a truth that people don’t always like. What you want and what you need are frequently not the same.
We all think we know what we want in life and we all think that’s what is going to make things great. How many times do we learn a lesson we didn’t expect from a relationship, a lesson about ourselves, a lesson we needed to learn to be able to move on.
We should never be looking for a partner to fill a void in our lives but we should look for someone to to complement us and help us to soar.
5. Jump On Top Of Me
I’ve been working so hard, And feelin’ no pain
Sure got pains in my head, My legs feel limp
Don’t want to hear no noise, Don’t want to hear you cuss
I need peace of mind, Don’t you make no fuss
Once two people have got together and the first flush of passion has gone then things can fall apart quickly if they don’t take time to understand support each other and get advice on relationships. The stereotype of the nagging wife is something men often see in their women.
The man thinks he works so hard that he deserves to be left alone when he gets home. He then thinks he can just turn her on to satisfy his needs. This view is liable to lead to an early separation.
Women need attention from their men and the men need some peace from the world. Negotiating this conundrum is crucial in any relationship. It can only be done with care and understanding.
6. Too Tight
I got your messages
And how can I resist
But if you come around
Don’t slap the cuffs upon my wrist
This speaks to one of the biggest fears that men have, that their woman will tie him down and try to change him. This is a possibility, I saw it happen in a close friend of mine.
The woman thinks it’s time for the man to take on his responsibilities and mature a bit while the man wants to continue to have fun with his mates and pretend to be young. Neither side is going to make it work
A bit of clarity can do wonders for this situation. Discussion and agreement on where things are and what is needed are the only solutions.
7. Under My Thumb
It’s down to me, oh yeah
The way she talks when she’s spoken to
Down to me, the change has come,
She’s under my thumb
The man’s solution can be to take control himself and dictate how the woman should behave and be. This leads to domination and sometimes abuse.
The man thinks he is in charge in the relationship and that it’s up to him decide matters. Whether he does this consciously or not it is a situation that does nothing for either party.
No side can win and both are bound for disaster. No one is in charge in a relationship and no-one has the right to dominate. It’s about two people.
8. Try A Little Harder
Give her lovin’ that’s a little stronger
If you with your baby when the day turns to night,
you gotta give her lovin’ make her feel all right, it’s all right
It’s all right. Try one more time. It’s all right
What happens when the relationship has been successful and then starts to no work well? What happens when the woman becomes disengaged from the man? get advice on relationships? Try a little harder?!
The man just thinks he has to push for a little while and it will be OK. He tries persuasion, more sex, a few flowers, to no avail. What’s happening? Why won’t it work.
Generally the man has lost touch with himself and fails to realise that he has lost his way. It’s not that the woman needs persuasion, it’s that the man needs to get back to who and how he was. In any situation like this we should always start by looking at ourselves before we try harder!
9. That’s How Strong My Love Is
I’ll be the ocean so deep and wide
I’ll dry the tears when you cry
I’ll be the breeze when the storm is gone
To dry your eyes and keep you warm
When it does work, however, the man is the strength that holds the woman safe. The man is grounded and can take anything that whirls around him. The man is the security that the woman can trust.
The man needs to do nothing but be himself, focused, grounded and certain.
Generally in this situation the woman finds her own power and strength and together they rock the world.
10. I’m Gonna Drive
I need open spaces to clear my head
Need a clearer view on the road ahead
Need to fill my tank, check the oil
Fix the air conditioner or I’m gonna boil
Whether it’s working or not sometimes the man just needs to be on his own and think of nothing. He can jump in his car, drive and clear his mind of everything. Men need to re-fresh themselves like this and need to be on their own to do it.
What’s Your Advice On Relationships?
Did that help you to understand where you are in a relationship?
Leave a comment and let me know what you think about their songs in relation to yourself and what your advice on relationships is.
For me great relationships are part of what makes life tick, so when I became a single man, after a long marriage, I started dating again. The prospect of a new relationship terrified and fascinated me.
I found I was an expert in one relationship but an innocent as far as women were concerned. What could I do? How could I learn about women and great relationships?
I asked for help from other men in my situation. I discovered there were a lot of them out there, and I also discovered that there were a lot of women, that gave me pause for thought. We were all looking for great relationships, one that would last. The most important issue, though, was that we were keen not to make the same mistakes again. Women, particularly, were sensitive about the prospect of men relationships after a previous, serious disaster.
I worked on all the basics; understanding men and women, understanding polarity and being strong as a man.
Men relationship is crucial to a full life, the problem, though, came down to a single, crucial issue:
What was I looking for? What are Great Relationships?
This was a puzzle to me, there was so much choice out there. How do I make a choice that will work for years to come? How can I distinguish between all the amazing women out there? Then I discovered the relationship vision. The answer to great relationships, men, is simple but it requires you to be single with a completely open field in front of you. This is before marriage and relationships. Read more
Men seek comfort, confirmation that they are ok. Most men are, at heart, uncertain about themselves. They form a relationship and get married to affirm their place in the world. They learn, they think, how to treat a woman, how to be with her. They call that love. But ultimately it doesn't seem to work. They wonder where love went.
Standing in the station in Kuala Lumpur, waiting to board the overnight train to Singapore, I saw them pushing through the crowd. They were looking for certainty, wanting to know. She held a neat bound volume of tickets and itineraries. She was in control, she was going to sort it out. Travelling Relationships can create tension, or they can turn travel into a pleasure. Which do you look for?
I was sitting in the foyer of the hotel waiting for her. Thinking about what had been happening between us, I felt good. Things were moving on, we were spending time together. I was looking for something from her to encourage what I felt. She came, there was just no polarity between us, she felt, no electricity, no excitement...
Several years ago a concept was introduced to the world of infidelity that is designed to help partners move forward in the healing of their relationship. They aren't designed to make you look good or your partner bad. They are a means of protection for the betrayed. They help the betrayed to face their new world with dignity and bravery.
I heard a conversation in which one woman was telling another that she was upset that her man had just broken up with her. The reason he gave was that she kept taking control during sex. Thinking about this I became angry with the man involved, with his inadequacy, his inability to be a man.
Urmila and I carried out an experiment on Trust In Relationships. She wanted to fully experience the two feminine characteristics of Trusting and Surrendering.
Here I want to look at my perspective and talk about what it meant for me to fully experience trust and surrender from a woman. What are trust relationships?
I see trust as one of the most important feminine characteristics. It is, however, one that only appears when the man proves trustworthy. It starts with the man, as it always does. The man has to show what he is made of, how certain he is and how consistent he is. Only when the woman fully believes him and sees his truth will she start to trust him. Along this road she will, continually, test him to see if she can shake him, to see if she see behind his behaviour. I have written on testing before, and feel that this is the greatest expression of a woman’s love for a man.
When Urmila suggested her working with total trust and surrender during a trip we were making I was anxious to understand what she really meant. We had been having some issues with her accepting my lead and organisation and I felt unsure, occasionally, as to whether this was just about her and control or whether it was also about me. I avoided showing this uncertainty to her, that is not what a man does. I was keen to experiment with this, I wanted her to see how capable and willing I was to lead and support her.
It started out, from my perspective, as a disaster. She seemed to intervene more than usual and destroyed my attempts to guide her through the many challenges with ease and panache. Was this me or was she really just incapable of trusting me and treating me like a man. The next day I got angry and told her how it was destroying me as a man. It’s fine for a man to take the lead and just let what the woman does wash over him. He can show his strength and certainty no matter what she does, but the fact that she won’t trust him eats away at his insides. Eventually, something starts dying. For the relationship to work it is important that both parties are involved and that, as Urmila says, there is polarity. One side is not enough.
Urmila saw what was happening, both to her and me, and started to let go. Once this happened the flow was amazing. It wasn’t that I felt in control, it was that we complemented each other perfectly. We each had a role and we no longer had to think about it and work out what needed to be done. To cross a busy road was easy, I watched the traffic, took her hand and went. She took my hand and trusted. We felt like one being. WE had a trust relationship.
A man needs to feel like this to fully embrace his masculine essence. It’s not enough for him to take it, the woman also needs to give it to him. I see so many examples of couples where this has failed and the relationship has died.
There was a young couple at the station in Kuala Lumpur. She pushed forward with a bound volume of all their tickets and itineraries to seek help from the ticket collector. He hung back looking lost. No trust and not a sign of surrender, only control. I am sure she was good at it, but her man was dying in the process.
There was the elderly couple at O’Hare airport in Chicago. They were, wrongly, in the security line. When they approached the escalator an attendant stopped them and sent them to the check-in line. She lead the way, he almost looked triumphant that she had got it wrong. But where was he? He had long ago given up. It’s what many men do. They get tired of fighting their woman and give up. She, of course, fills the gap and assumes complete control.
Men think the only alternative is domination and abuse. Sometimes they go there, but usually they see that as wrong.
There is a better way and that is to be strong and certain and to help your woman, through your presence, certainty and consistency, to see what is happening. That is not to persuade or plead with her, just show her what works for you and help her to see that a balance is necessary. Show her what polarity means, be a man and help her to trust you.
- Do you fully embrace your masculine presence?
- Do you resort to domination and bullying?
- Hoe do you cope with your partner’s need for certainty?