Dealing With Chaos — Can You Stop Needing Your Mother?
Men love their mothers but also need their mothers. I talked recently about, ‘Men who are looking for their mother’. I said, “I don’t know whether the mothers or the men are to blame for this. The men are looking to be fed, have their cleaning done and be generally molly-coddled.”
Men can confuse comfort with love. They feel this deep need that seeks to be met, an emptiness that needs to be filled. This void often stems from the separation between a boy and his mother not being carefully handled. In primitive societies the passage of a boy to manhood was ritualised to help the boy break the close bond he has with his mother.
This is when the men of the tribe take over and lead the boy into a manhood of self-sufficiency. Today many men find it difficult to break away like this.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest.
I can remember my mother feeding me to show her love for me. I loved it but it got too much for me at times. She didn’t really teach me to look after myself or care for my woman. I’m not blaming her, on the contrary, I just let her look after me, even when she lived with us after my father died.
I never found a way to get close to my mother, until after my father died. then she let me step into my father’s place in the sense of caring for her and allowing her to feed and comfort me.
I remember a time in my teens when we went to the school speech day together. As we got into town she told me she wouldn’t be there because she was going to see a parade with Yuri Gagarin, the Soviet Astronaut. This was a big deal for her but devastating for me. It was the first time I can remember such independence in her and it shocked me because it seemed so inconsiderate to me. For once she was being a woman not a mother, I was not used to that.
- Who was your mother for you? Was she a comforter or a woman? Did she have a personality, as you saw it, outside of her role as a mother?
- Who did you have to be for your mother? What did she expect of you? Did you fulfill that or shy away from it?
- Were you aware of the process of separation from your mother, either by you or her? How did this affect you? Did you separate at all?
- How do you embody your feelings about your mother in your girlfriend, partner or wife? Are you looking for a deep need to be fulfilled?