My name is Steve Nash. I am a British mixed race 48 year old Yorkshire-man. I’ve been striving to find meaning to my life, to ‘the world’, ever since I can remember.
And ‘ever since I can remember’ actually means ever since I was 5. Because I can’t remember anything before that age. For some reason. Not sure why. My childhood started age 5.
First thing I do remember, though, was my Mum leaving my Dad. She took us to live in this crowded house, where some woman friend and her two daughters were living. I can remember being shy – just a few, close friends at school. And how could I forget being serious, oh so serious! All the time. Never enjoying anything. Always wanting to go home, to escape. Never fitting in.
Yeah, there weren’t many photos of me smiling! I did get a proper girlfriend when I was 19. Smiled a bit, then, discovering my masculine powers. That was fun. Even though my girlfriend had another boyfriend, it was fun.
Never married, though, never had children. Always seemed to be something missing in me, or them. After 20 years of monogamous (and not-so-monogamous) relationships, you start to wonder if something’s up. Especially when beautiful women berate you for not being a “real man”, for not ‘being yourself’. Especially when you start crying for no apparent reason, one day, hunched over a keyboard. Especially when you start to believe that you have absolutely no idea what it means to be a man. What to do?…
Well, I went to therapy, a few years back. (My therapist was a man.) I started reading books by the likes of Robert Bly and David Deida. I started reading dating materials from people like Scot McKay and the folks at AuthenticWorld.com. I even took part in the Richard Rohr-inspired 5 day life changing program that’s called Men’s Rites of Passage.
And what did I get from all this self-exploration, from all this angst. Well, this quote sums things up nicely, I think,
There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.
My name is Steve M Nash. I am a human, being. And I believe in myself – am committed to being (and expressing) myself – as I believe in you. And I like believing in myself, y’know – despite my cracks, despite my stories – it just sort of feels right.
So, my journey of discovery also took a more spiritual path, too, via the likes of Eckart Tolle, Byron Katie and even Michael Neill (The Inside Out Revolution). And I learnt about the heart from books called Love is Letting Go of Fear (Gerald G. Jampolsky) and The Untethered Soul (Michael A. Singer).
So now, more than my being a man, I am a heart. And, mostly, I have been a heart that is closed to the world. Out of fear, out of not trusting in myself, out of not knowing any better, my heart was closed. Even when I told a woman, “I love you”, I did it with a protected heart, ‘just in case’. (I didn’t know I was doing so, obviously, but I was.) But no more.
My mission now is to open, open, open my heart; to open myself to life, and to see what gets created because of doing so. I’m here to let life surprise me. And if I do this simple thing – just open my heart, and feel the pain and feel the joy – then I’ll be happy with whatever man I become from doing so. This is where my journey of exploration takes me, anyway. And it heartens me that others before me seem to have been here, too…
Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.
—George Bernard Shaw