Tell Your Wife The Truth About That Dress

How I came to terms with what it means to tell the truth and be authentic. How Yoga Philosophy was the key.

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How I came to terms with what it means to tell the truth and be authentic. How Yoga Philosophy was the key.

Three events over the last few weeks have helped me to re-consider my approach to telling the truth. You know that moment when your wife comes out in a new dress, as you are getting ready to go out for a celebration dinner. The moment you see it you think it is hideous and she asks you if she looks good in it. You stand in thought for a moment—not too long otherwise she will know something is wrong—deciding whether to tell the truth. The problem is deciding what the truth is, and deciding how to say it to her.

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How Yoga Helped Me Find The Stillness In Masculinity

I have found that Yoga has enabled me to balance my personality and find my 'Still Point'. I use it to observe myself and deepen my masculinity with compassion, awareness and understanding. It has transformed me into a man who is both more alive and calmer.

yoga and stillness in masculinity

I have found that Yoga has enabled me to balance my personality and find my 'Still Point'. I use it to observe myself and deepen my masculinity with compassion, awareness and understanding. It has transformed me into a man who is both more alive and calmer.

My local Yoga Studio started a Men’s Yoga Class. It was mostly men who were new to Yoga and who struggled with the postures. Men tend to be strong but stiff, we tend to be overweight and are not used to exploring this in the company of others. We were a far cry from the nimble women you see in the Yoga books, but we struggled on, taking care of our damaged joints. We stretched and still appeared to be immobile. I loved that my body started moving again.

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Session 4: Live In Your Power

Power, Strength, Compassion

Power, Strength, Compassion

In ‘Live In Your Power And Strength, Don’t Abuse It’ I show that it is important for a man to live in his power and strength. This is where many men go wrong, but it is where men need to live. It is the strength to own and be yourself and the power to stand up for who and what you are. To be able to fully live there, you need compassion. Compassion is what tempers your power and strength. Compassion eliminates any tendency to become dominant. Balance between strength and compassion is crucial.

Live In Your Power – Summary (pdf)

Power

Power is a core trait with men and masculinity. Power is about the mental ability to achieve anything you want or desire. Real power is achieved through persuasion and communication. Power is about influencing people, it’s about conviction and character. It comes down to the personal power over things you can control, your decisions, your ideals, your emotions and actions.

There are eight types of approaches to power available to you:

  • Legitimate Power, through position or duties, as a community member, as a father
  • Referent Power, your personal standards and values, your behaviour and role model
  • Expert Power, derived from your skills or expertise, through career and reputation
  • Information Power, knowledge and communication of the information people crave
  • Reward Power, giving others benefits or attention that have significance for them
  • Coercive Power, personal power based on fear, threats or force, could be violent
  • Connection Power, your power comes from being connected to a powerful person
  • Veto Power, the ability to stop something happening or disrupt it in some way

All can be used as well as abused. Four tend to be most effective in influencing people without creating negative effects: Referent, Expert, Information and Legitimate.

Strength

Strength is the state, property, or quality of being strong; the ability to resist attack; the ability to resist strain or stress; the ability to maintain a moral or intellectual position firmly; the capacity for effective action.

Strength is the pursuit of the qualities that show your firmness, your ability or effectiveness of character. It’s built gradually through accomplishing goals.

Strength is about knowing what to do and power is about putting it into action

Compassion

According to Wikipedia compassion is a virtue. One in which the emotional capacities of empathy and sympathy for the suffering of others are regarded as part of love.

Samurai’s bushido code of behavior builds on compassion, kindness, and other qualities not traditionally thought of as masculine, yet they are. The Bushido Code comprises:

  1. Justice. Personal and professional integrity, a sense of working for the greater good
  2. Courage. Courage only exists in integrity. The essential ability to admit mistakes
  3. Kindness. The power to command only while showing compassion and mercy
  4. Politeness. For a man courtesy and good manners are rooted in compassion
  5. Honesty. Honesty involves abstinence and simplicity.
  6. Honour. A sense of honour, personal dignity, and worth characterize the Samurai.
  7. Loyalty. The requirement to remain loyal to those to whom they are indebted.

Live In Your Power – Worksheet (pdf)

Set aside time to think through your answers to the questions. They are intended to get you thinking about power, strength and compassion. Write your answers either in this worksheet or start a journal. Also write your emotional or other reactions.

  1. How Do You Use Your Power And Strength?
  2. Do you think you are a powerful person, or do you succumb to other people’s power? Do you use your strength to get attention?
  3. Do people respect and understand you or do they listen to you because you force them physically, emotionally or psychologically?
  4. Do you feel compassion for others, truly, or do you tolerate them? Do you have ways you can temper your power and strength with compassion, does this happen automatically or do you have to actively control yourself?

Live In Your Power – Exercise (pdf)

Finding Compassion for Others

There are a number of powerful ways of seeing how you are connected to people you resist. In fact, it has been argued that to see something in another that you resist or that bothers you, that same trait must be present in yourself. Seeing this commonality should move you into compassion.

Choose a situation in which you are judging, labeling, or feeling irritated by another person, if that is the case with your partner, she would be ideal.

Write down a description of what this person does that is difficult for you. Be as specific as possible about both the other person’s behavior and your reaction.

Now temporarily suspend your judgments and irritations. Write as if you were the other person. Place yourself in her awareness, describing the behavior that you find irritating. Write in the first person, using “I” statements, speaking as her. Let yourself feel what it is to be her.

Consider how the other person is like you. What aspirations or concerns does she have that are similar to your own? What attachments and aversions might drive her behaviors? What do you have in common? Let yourself sense the commonalities. Find a place of compassion within yourself for the other person.

Practice commonalities. When you meet friends and strangers do the following simple exercise. Do it discreetly and try to do all the steps with the same person. With your attention geared to the other person, tell yourself,

“Just like me, this person is seeking happiness in his/her life.”
“Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life.”
“Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair.”
“Just like me, this person is seeking to fill his/her needs.”
“Just like me, this person is learning about life.”


Read the following articles to open up your perspective…

Other articles by Sat Purusha:

Other relevant articles:


Previous: Session 3: Be Grounded

Next: Session 5: A Life of Purpose


Men And Women – The Shifting Dynamic At The Extremes

How do you see what is happening in the world? How do you see it changing? How do you see the shifting dynamic between men and women?

How do you see what is happening in the world? How do you see it changing? How do you see the shifting dynamic between men and women?

Why do I upset both men and women at the extremes when I write. What am I doing that scares them so much. Why can’t they acknowledge what is really happening in the world and join to make it even better.

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Be The Man Your Woman Will Love

When I talk about 'How To Love a Woman', I really mean 'How To Be The Man Your Woman Will Love'. It is about how you are, as a man, in yourself. How you show up, how you portray yourself? It is about more than learning how to love, it is learning how to live.

When I talk about 'How To Love a Woman', I really mean 'How To Be The Man Your Woman Will Love'. It is about how you are, as a man, in yourself. How you show up, how you portray yourself? It is about more than learning how to love, it is learning how to live.

In the story of my relationship with my wife I talk about the shift I made, about the transformation. It is important to understand that the shift was not where I suddenly learned about women and how to love them. It was where I suddenly learned about myself, who I was, who I was trying to be. I came to see how important this was to any potential partner.

Men, you start to relate to a woman because you are attracted by her. You realise, later, that you do not know how to go beyond that attraction. You do not know how to love her, how to get her to love you. You want to love her and you want the relationship to grow and be powerful.

You discover something important when you embark on a relationship. You discover that women are different from men. You discover that it is not enough to have a relationship with a woman. Continue reading →

Emotional Abuse – I Still Want To Kick The Shit Out Of Him…

Being dominating and using mental and emotional abuse is as bad as being physically abusive.

Being dominating and using mental and emotional abuse is as bad as being physically abusive.

I was in Glasgow with my parents on our annual trip back to Scotland to visit family. I must have been in my early teens. I went off for the day to explore the city on my own. I’ve always enjoyed walking around new and strange cities. My love of steam trains (they still existed then) took me to St Enoch Station.

Standing on the steps looking at my map and wondering where to go next, I was approached by a man seeking to help me.

I was the typical innocent abroad and trusted this man. We started talking and he offered to buy me a coffee in the station cafe. I accepted.

We sat in a quiet corner and at one point he gently took my hand and laid it on his leg. I realised my hand was on his erect penis. I was horrified and only then realised why this man was so helpful. I got away as quick as I could.

Although nothing serious happened to me this experience has remained with me for 50 years now.

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Can Women Do What Men Do?

I counter the ‘equality’ of Gloria Steinem and the assumprions behind it.

I counter the ‘equality’ of Gloria Steinem and the assumprions behind it.

Over at Good Men Project—Good Feed, we heard Gloria Steinem say, “We know that women can do what men can do, but we don’t know that men can do what women can do.”

They are extraordinary assertions that cry out to be challenged, not just the statements but also the assumptions behind them.

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Men of Action Make The World Go Round

Or are Men of Action dinosaurs who cause chaos wherever they go?

Or are Men of Action dinosaurs who cause chaos wherever they go?

A recent email from a friend let loose about talk and inaction. It made me stop and think about what a man is at his core and question whether there are there common qualities in men. I’m not talking about the media view of men but a personal view based on experience and knowledge.

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Surrender is the Tenderest Impulse of the Heart

Surrender is being alert to exactly what is happening now, not in the past.

Surrender is being alert to exactly what is happening now, not in the past.

It is common to see relationships as battlegrounds where couples act out their needs and desires. Relationships are where people most often seek to control another person. Relationships fail more often than they succeed because people try to manipulate them into what they want.

When did you last look with detachment at your intimate or most important relationship? When did you last honestly appraise it and work out what it really means to you? Have you ever done this with compassion and understanding?

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Male Stereotypes — Why Are They So Extreme?

It is not helpful that men are portrayed at the edges of society.

It is not helpful that men are portrayed at the edges of society.

I have been looking at Male Stereotypes on the Internet. It seems to be mostly stereotyping about men who are Alpha, Gay, Christian or New!

I am dedicated to helping men to re-awaken their core and I believe that all men are capable of re-discovering their masculine essence. In doing this men will be re-establishing their presence and their strength as men. This is something that society is currently lacking and that women are seeking for men. This will take men beyond their typical male stereotypes.

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