Love And Anger—Living With Emotional Authenticity

love and anger

How I live with my emotions and what I need to do, moving forward, to remain authentic to my intentions.

Love and Anger are two emotions that are central to how I live my life. On the one hand love is at the core of my emotional responses. It is either the lack of love, the desire for love or the need for love. On the other anger is such a powerful emotion for me, it has dominated my life and caused untold chaos. The desire, or need, for love is easy to confuse with the play of love in my life.

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Session 11: Love Your Woman

Intimacy, Love, Emotional Relationships

This is the other pillar, intimacy. It is the heart of any emotional relationship. It is what provides the balance to the physical aspect. Intimacy is particularly important for a woman, who often seeks intimacy before sex, where a man can seek sex before intimacy. Understanding how to create a balance between the two pillars is vital in learning how to love a woman. This is the core of what we are talking about.

Love Your Woman – Summary

Intimacy

Intimacy is being close to someone on an emotional level to the point where you feel that you start to merge together. Intimacy is a vulnerable sharing of inner thoughts, feelings, spirit and true self. It’s achieved through listening, empathy or reassurance.

Men find intimacy confusing because they connect intimacy with an emotional state that follows sex. Women mostly connect intimacy with an emotional state that can lead to sex. Sex without intimacy can be very unrewarding, while sex with intimacy can be deeply fulfilling.

According to psychologist John Gopner there are four stages to a relationship breakdown:

  • Conflict, complaints, arguments, differences of opinion, blaming each other.
  • Feelings of contempt for each other that grow as the arguments deepen or disappear.
  • Increasing defensive behavior, preserving identity, feeling threatened by accusations.
  • Breakdown of basic trust between the partners and increasing disengagement.

Prevent breakdown by developing intimacy; learn the language. It enables you to be open with each other, to be honest with each other and develop closeness without boundaries.

Love

Seven simple steps to put into practice every day of your life. Write them down, pin them up and never forget them. Start today as if it was your first day of your relationship:

  • Tell her you love her. Say it so she understands it and has no doubts. Volunteer it.
  • Just love her for herself. You love her just because of her and nothing else.
  • Get to know her. Love can only grow and deepen through understanding.
  • Count your blessings. Things you have together, all you have achieved as a couple.
  • Give love always. The desire to give more than you receive fuels love’s creative force.
  • Pay attention to her. She needs it all the time, notice her attempts to get it.
  • Start afresh each day. Start your day as if it was your first day of your relationship.

Communicating your emotions to your partner will make her feel loved and understood.

Emotional Relationships

In an emotional relationship, two people have such deep feelings for each other that others cannot intervene and disrupt their relationship. With such a bond there is no place for misunderstandings or conflict. The main pillars are truth, honesty and faithfulness.

An emotional affair is when you turn to someone else for your core emotional support. If this is you, fix it by putting by re-investing your emotional energy in your relationship as soon as possible. Stop escaping and deal with issues now, before they lead to a terrible crisis.


Love Your Woman – Worksheet

Set aside time to think through your answers to the questions. They are intended to get you thinking about the level of intimacy you have with your partner. Write your answers either in this worksheet or start a journal. Also write your emotional or other reactions.

  1. Is there any conflict in your relationship? What causes the conflict, is it focused on one area or is it more general?
  2. What steps do you take every day to show your partner you love her? What steps could you take? How could you change the direction of your relationship for the better?
  3. Do you have a female friendship outside of your relationship, does it feel like it’s easier to talk to your friend than your partner? Does your friend seem to understand you in a deeper way than your partner? Do you see any danger signals?
  4. Have you stopped confiding your deepest feelings and concerns in your partner? How long has this been happening? What do you need to do to rectify this situation?

Love Your Woman – Exercise

Intimacy

The key to renewing intimacy is spending time with your partner enjoying each other’s company. This intimate time can be soothing and intense with a partner, because it is both visual and kinesthetic. Intimacy is a state of arousal. It is not a state of sexual arousal but the combination of arousal you can experience with your partner emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically when you focus your energies in combination.

Try this Energetic Intimacy Meditation together with your partner. It is a great balance to the Dark Energy Meditation you did last week.

Lie down together and hold each other, remove as many clothes as you feel comfortable with and lie still and silent. Lie facing each other. Do this for a considerable time, longer than might feel comfortable. Feel the energy, the soul of your partner and monitor your emotions and feelings. Sense each other’s heartbeat, feel their breathing.

Try synchronizing your breathing so that when one is breathing out the other is breathing in. As you lie facing each other feel the energy in your breathe circulate between you. You, the man, breathes it in through your mouth and breathe it out through your genital area. Your partner breathes it in through her genital area and breathes it out through her mouth. Keep cycling this way for a time.

When you start to feel distracted, it’s time to go further.

Deciding which one of you goes first, you’ll place one hand on your partners chest and close your eyes. Your other hand is still connected to theirs while your hand on their heart leads into a new visualization. Picture water around you and let that grow, picturing a huge body of water that you two are floating within. What does your partner’s heart share with you that you need or want to know? Your answer lies within what you ‘see’ in the water you’re floating in. Is it dark and stormy or is it colorful and full of ocean spray? What do you feel and see?

Then swap and let the other try it.

When both of you have finished with this visualization, share what you see and share your experiences with each other. This will help to bring you both into an energetic alignment with each other and it will also help to offer a sanctuary of emotional surrender. With an openness to intimacy, you will be more willing to make the effort to take the time with each other, and explore each others desires openly. The key is to take your time. Appreciate each step, each moment of the process of embrace and keep an open mind to where things will go.

Fears, anxieties and frustrations with yourself and your partner can be released step by step by implementing these exercises, encourage openness and emotional embrace. The sky is the limit! So fly on! And see where this beautiful engagement with each other can lead you. You never know how exquisite your romance can become, even if you’ve been partners for years.


Read the following articles to open up your perspective…

Other articles by Sat Purusha:

Other relevant articles:


Previous: Session 10: Have Sexual Polarity

Next: Session 12: Be The Man


Session 7: Understand Women

Understanding Men, Understanding Women, Emotions

The course is now moving beyond looking at you. You are starting the process of understanding women and therefore, understanding your partner. In understanding women, you need to have balance and understand men as well. In doing this, you will look at how men and women process emotions in different ways and understand how you process emotions. Men are reputed to not be emotional beings. Well, trust me, you are an emotional being and if you do not understand it, you need to start understanding and accepting the emotions inside you.

Understand Women – Summary

Men and women

  • Men and women think differently, accept this; open communication, honesty and the desire to meet your woman’s needs enhances independence and love.
  • Many motivations tend to be gender specific, a man and woman aim to complement each other; women are motivated by security, relationship and communication.
  • Men and women have different unique needs. Women need conversation, non-sexual touch, feeling cherished. Men need sex, respect and air. Focus on her needs, not yours.
  • Our perception of the world comes from our own emotions and needs, you create the world that is inside you, the world does not create you.
  • Men complain about problems because they’re asking for solutions, women complain about problems because they want their problems to be acknowledged but not solved.
  • Men and women score differently: men tend to give 30, 40 points for perceived big acts, women give each love-act one point at a time.
  • If one person feels they have given more than they have received resentment develops. Mutual communication helps to bring things back into balance.
  • Under stress, many men withdraw. They need their brains to focus on something else, allowing them to revisit the problem later with a fresh perspective.
  • Women’s natural reaction is to talk about things, even if it doesn’t solve it. This leads to a natural dynamic.

The Five Love Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman, the key to make your partner feel loved:

  • Words of affirmation. Hearing “I love you” and receiving complements are important.
  • Quality time. Being present with the T.V. off and all chores on standby is critical.
  • Receiving gifts. The effort shows being cared for and prized above what was sacrificed.
  • Acts of Service. Easing the burden of responsibilities by “let me do that for you”.
  • Physical touch. Non-sexual touch (holding hands or hugs) shows concern, care and love.

Emotions

Constantly repressing emotions affects the quality of relationships with others. Every thought or feeling of anger, hurt, depression, anxiety, sadness and shame that you have experienced is held within the cells of your body unless you have consciously allowed yourself to feel, process and release them.


Understand Women – Worksheet

Set aside time to think through your answers to the questions. They are intended to get you thinking about your emotions and their relationship to pain.. Write your answers either in this worksheet or start a journal. Also write your emotional or other reactions.

  1. If you are in pain now, for whatever reason, sit silently and focus into the source of that pain. Allow it to communicate with you and tell you why it is there. What is it trying to get you to understand? If you have no pain, think back to when you had serious pain and go through the same process.
  2. Go deeper and feel what is there that you are not acknowledging. Keep going until you start to discover the emotions inside. What do you learn from seeing them?
  3. When you understand what it is there for, accept and acknowledge the communication, and let the pain go. What can you do to release these emotions? Will awareness be enough for you or do you need to do something more active?
  4. How can you setup a regular practice that will bring these emotions out in when you can deal with them without trauma? Is there a person or a group you can talk to regularly to start opening yourself up?

Understand Women – Exercise

You will need to continue with this exercise over an extended period of time, it can’t be completed in one sitting. It may be helpful to keep a special notebook to record the results. Choose a diary format so you can track the progress of how you connect with your emotions.

The exercise contains a number of ways you can get in touch with your emotions, either do all of them or pick the ones that particularly resonate with you, but do a minimum of three. Record your thoughts and emotions.

  • Listen To Your Thoughts and Daydreams.
    We become so accustomed to thinking in certain patterns that we are no longer aware or conscious about our thoughts and daydreams. 
  • Identify Your ‘Little and Unimportant Hurts’.
    More people walk around saying it’s not important or it doesn’t matter when it is very important and a big piece of hurting emotion is buried within them. 
  • Record What Makes You Feel Strongly.
    Keep an ongoing record of any strong emotions.
  • Memories That Won’t Go Away.
    If you keep remembering situations, hurts that happened some time ago, you are guaranteed to have repressed emotions around this person or situation.
  • Keep a Journal of the Emotions in Your Dreams.
    Keep a notebook by your bedside, jot down your dreams as soon as you begin to waken.
  • Be Specific About The Emotions You Are Experiencing.
    Confusion occurs when people are trying to get to know their emotions because they speak in general terms rather than specific emotions.
  • Are You Using Sex To Release Your Emotions?
    Sex is a normal and healthy part of life. Many people engage in sexual acts, with others, alone, or using pornography, to release emotions buried within them that they have been unable to feel and release. Look at the relationship you have between them.
  • Eating, Drinking, Exercising, or Any Type of Compulsive or Excessive Behavior.
    We often go for weeks, even years acting in a manner that is normal for us – and what is normal for you may not be normal for another person.  Then we will find ourselves overeating, working excessively, drinking daily, engaging in compulsive sex, working long hours, and many other types of compulsive behavior.  Where do you do this?
  • Positive Emotions.
    It is crucial that you identify your positive emotions during these exercises. You are probably very loving, caring, compassionate, trusting, forgiving, generous, many times in each day.  Be certain to include the wonderful and good things about yourself as you identify your emotional self. 

Read the following articles to open up your perspective…

Other articles by Sat Purusha:

Other relevant articles:


Previous: Session 6: Live Your Passion

Next: Session 8: Be A Leader


Purusha: Spiritual Man

sat purusha and the yoga sutras

My life is changing, not the continual change that is always there—the arrow of time—but a dramatic shift that recognises the true me. This has been coming at me as a raging bull, something I can no longer ignore. In order to embrace it I need to acknowledge who I have been, who I am and who I am becoming. I am Purusha: Spiritual Man.

In my life I have been a seeker. As a teenager I sought a spiritual answer to an unknown question. I tried to understand where to look for the answer. What did I want? Why was I even looking? In the different approaches I tried, from Christianity to Yoga, I found many ideas to pursue, but no solutions.

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How My 91 Year Old Relative Showed Me The Secret To A Powerful Relationship

What the difference is between loneliness and aloneness, and how dependency can destroy a relationship.

I recently visited a relative of mine who is 91 years old. She doesn’t get out of the house much these days, she suffers from dementia and is locked in her loneliness. Although people go in to see her every day and others come and take her out on trips she doesn’t remember much, if anything, about this. So when she sits on her own in front of the TV in the evening she feels lonely and is lonely, because she remembers nothing of the events of the day, all she can remember is the distant past of family life and activity, so she feels lonely.

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Can Masculine Men Be Emotional – Will Relationships Work If Not

Men have a reputation for suppressing their emotions because they believe that to be emotional is to be feminine. Yet when men suppress their emotions they often destroy their relationships.

My wife has been reading the book ‘Getting To “I Do” – The Secret To Doing Relationships Right‘ by the well-known relationship expert Dr Patricia Allen. She has been reading excerpts to me and I have been getting increasingly agitated.

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Emotional Abuse – I Still Want To Kick The Shit Out Of Him…

Being dominating and using mental and emotional abuse is as bad as being physically abusive.

I was in Glasgow with my parents on our annual trip back to Scotland to visit family. I must have been in my early teens. I went off for the day to explore the city on my own. I’ve always enjoyed walking around new and strange cities. My love of steam trains (they still existed then) took me to St Enoch Station.

Standing on the steps looking at my map and wondering where to go next, I was approached by a man seeking to help me.

I was the typical innocent abroad and trusted this man. We started talking and he offered to buy me a coffee in the station cafe. I accepted.

We sat in a quiet corner and at one point he gently took my hand and laid it on his leg. I realised my hand was on his erect penis. I was horrified and only then realised why this man was so helpful. I got away as quick as I could.

Although nothing serious happened to me this experience has remained with me for 50 years now.

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A 40 Day Challenge for Men — Day 10

Dealing With Chaos — Look for the Learning in Emotional Pain

For men, emotions are strange feelings that they find difficult to understand. It’s emotions that overtake women all the time and make them unpredictable and unreasonable. Men are not emotional and, as we learnt yesterday, remain in control. Having stuffed their emotions down men are not able to predict when they are going to break out and cause pain and extreme difficulty.

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Surrender is the Tenderest Impulse of the Heart

Surrender is being alert to exactly what is happening now, not in the past.

It is common to see relationships as battlegrounds where couples act out their needs and desires. Relationships are where people most often seek to control another person. Relationships fail more often than they succeed because people try to manipulate them into what they want.

When did you last look with detachment at your intimate or most important relationship? When did you last honestly appraise it and work out what it really means to you? Have you ever done this with compassion and understanding?

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