My wife has been reading the book ‘Getting To “I Do” – The Secret To Doing Relationships Right‘ by the well-known relationship expert Dr Patricia Allen. She has been reading excerpts to me and I have been getting increasingly agitated.
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Most of us do not want to talk about sex because we do not want to face the truth. We believe that those that do talk about sex are not telling the truth. At least we hope they are not telling the truth.
I entered the third third of my life and started my third career. I have previously been a theatre lighting designer and an architectural lighting designer. These are both creative professions, so I thought it would be easy to become a writer.
Recently I created an online course for men called ‘How To Love A Woman’. The course has had some success but not as much as I expected. In talking to a number of men it seems that the name and the concept did not push their buttons. I have been seeking a focus for the course that men can and will relate to. This needs to have strength to it and it needs to connect with how men achieve love and intimacy with women. In there lies power for men.
I was in Seattle for a meeting and she was back in my home in England. We had reached a critical point. Our relationship, that was not yet a relationship, was faltering and about to be over.
Women were a foreign country to me with a language I didn’t understand.
I was shy and awkward around women. I just didn’t know what to do.
It wasn’t until I stepped into my power as a man that things started to really make sense to me. It wasn’t until I looked at myself that I realised I understood the language all along.
When you are learning how to attract a woman or trying to find a relationship, the skill of understanding women will be essential.
I am not talking about the times you are horny and just want to have sex. What I am talking about is when you really start to understand the complex nature of women. Continue reading →
One of the biggest issues that women see in men is the inability of many men—and I mean many men—to stay true to themselves and their strength. They step up… and then… they step back.
Much of what I write about in Graham Reid Phoenix is encouraging and helping men to step up. To step up and be a man is what so many men want. They feel weak or inadequate, or they feel fear of over-stepping the mark. They are seeking how to find, and live in, their own strength. They are looking for their Personal Masculinity.
The two ladies I was talking to have experience of helping and encouraging men to find their strength in their own lives. They have done this because of two important female qualities.
The first is that they can sense, and almost see, the capabilities of the man they are with. This is nothing to do with deciding what the man should be or what he should do, but is everything to do with seeing the man’s capabilities, understanding mens issues. Often the man is unsure of himself but the woman is very sure of what he is capable of.
The second is the intuition a woman has about where the man is at any moment, in terms of his capabilities. They know, instinctively, whether a man is in his strength or not. This has nothing to do with what he says or does, it is about the energy he gives off. A woman senses that energy even when the man has no idea it exists.
There are men who just don’t reach their inner strength, no matter what they do. They often have issues they need to work on, blocks they need to remove.
What upsets the women, in particular the two I was talking to, is the men who do step up… and then step back again.
This is more common than I realised. This is the man who finds his strength, his masculinity, his sense of himself, and then finds he is incapable of maintaining it.
He becomes frightened of it. Maybe it sets off alarm bells in his consciousness, reminders of lessons from his mother or father, maybe it triggers memories of when it hasn’t worked in the past, maybe he fears ridicule, maybe he just can’t stand the responsibility, maybe he doesn’t like the uncertainty. Whatever is the issue, he withdraws from his place of power and seeks confirmation that he is OK.
Well, he isn’t!
Men, you have to understand that women want to see you in this place of power and strength. It’s not power over them, it’s power over yourself.
When you find it, hold it and build it.
Feel the energy of it and celebrate it.
—Photo Elvert Barnes/Flickr
“We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aid, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn.” —Henry David Thoreau
How do you relate to the environment you live in? What appreciation of the flow of nature do you have? Reawaken to the dawn? Does this mean anything to you?
Modern society has shifted the natural rhythms of the body to fit with it’s perceived needs. We use artificial light to lengthen our days and allow us to live as we want, not as nature intended. We no longer allow the flow of natural light to trigger our physical responses and take us through life.
This has been key to my life over the past 40 years. I was a lighting designer and created amazing environments for people to work and play in, for people to enjoy. The work I did enabled people to do what they wanted in a comfortable and relaxing atmosphere.
I am not recanting the work I did or even saying that it has a negative effect. I am saying that it has increasingly allowed people to become separated from the world they live in.
There is a natural flow to life that is about more than light and dark, about more than the obvious. There is a flow that is seen in the subtlety of nature, of the universe. It comes out when we reawaken to the dawn.
The play of energy that we live amongst is not noticed by most people and yet it powerfully affects their lives. The polarity between male and female energy affects not just relationships but also the balance of power in our cultures. Whilst many people see a battle between the sexes, I see a constantly shifting flow of energy.
The influence of spiritual energy in our lives goes far beyond concepts of religion. Our expectations in life, the way we manifest the life we lead is closely intertwined with the spiritual energy that flows through and around us.
When you insulate yourself from nature’s natural rhythms you also insulate yourself from the energy of the universe. When you close yourself off into an unnatural world you close yourself off from the opportunities presented by the universe and the spiritual energy that flows through it.
When you allow yourself to sense the subtle shifts of natural light you slowly re-connect with nature. As you allow this connection to grow within you, you become increasingly aware of the amazing potential in the world.
This process needs time to grow, but as you trust it it becomes extremely powerful in your life. It is a re-awakening of our spirits and our soul that will transform us and transform society. This re-awakening, however, has to come from within, from a sincere desire to re-connect with your core, with the source of your life.
As you feel the subtlety of the approach of the dawn, as you become able to sense the imperceptible shifts in natural light, only then can you truly become aware of the energy of the universe. Only then can you reawaken to the dawn. As this energy becomes real to you, you become more conscious of your role in life.
Then you are able to expect amazing things for yourself and society.
Gary Stamper in “Beyond Integral”, who knows a thing or two about relationships, has recently written on the importance of polarity in relationships.
He said, “I have a friend who doesn’t get the importance of sexual polarity in a relationship. He loves that they are in a balanced relationship, each holding equal parts of the masculine and feminine. I guess it works for them, but for me it would like pushing two north poles of magnets together, repelling each other. They are great friends, but not intimate. It’s definitely safe, but certainly not passionate. They are great roommates. I am happy for them, but it’s not what I want in an intimate relationship. it feels flat to me. The masculine and feminine are like two magnets, and the principle of polarity also applies to intimate relationships: if you put their north and south poles together, they attract each other.”
From my own experience I totally agree with him. Polarity is possibly the most vital element in living intimate relationships.
What is it about Polarity in Intimate Relationships that is so important?
Thinking about it after reading Gary’s post about the importance of relationships, I realised it is very basic:
- Polarity creates energy and intimate relationships are about energy. Energy gives them life and makes them exciting. I have learnt a great deal on this through Tantra where energy is everything.
- Polarity usually ensures that both sides in intimate relationships are in their core. It is critical that each person is at ease with themself and is comfortable with how the other is. Polarity reveals so much about this.
- Polarity ensures their is no confusion in intimate relationships. Each knows his/her contribution to it and each enjoys the contribution of the other.
- Polarity creates great sex, on both sides. This is important for the longevity of intimate relationships.
It was fashionable when I was younger for men and women to seek equality in their intimate relationships, I remember looking for this myself. It seemed fair to give the woman equal say in what happened in the relationship and for the man to equally contribute. There is no reason why polarity cannot include elements of this. Re-awakened intimate relationships will take the best of the past and integrate it into a new, exciting, energetic relationship.
What is your experience of Polarity in Intimate Relationships?
Balancing last week’s look at the Bushido Code I am looking at Shiva Shakti, the Hindu god.
It is worth examining who he is, what he represents and the lessons he has for today’s man. Some of you found Bushido too attached to violence and a destructive way of life, it’s interesting that Shiva is also connected to destruction. This seems to be a theme in men.
I looked, previously, at Shiva in Kali’s Sword, a post about women and their view of us men. In it I tell the story of Kali, Shiva’s consort, causing chaos on the battlefield. To calm her down Shiva lies down and lets her step on him. This shows how …
… when a man stands like a rock in the midst of female chaos she can lock on to him and let it all go.
This doesn’t seem to be about destruction, in fact it’s the opposite, preventing it. Continue reading →