I’m in Trouble Now and I Don’t Even Know What For!

in trouble as a child

I remember a defining moment from my childhood. It helped to shape my relationship with my father and mother.

“That’s the end of the announcements, children. I’m sure you’ll all be happy to hear that it’s now time to go home! Quiet now! I said quiet! Before you go could I just ask Graham Phoenix to stay behind till everyone’s gone? Quiet! You can all go now.”

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Session 2: Understand Your Influences

Your Parents, Your Personalities, Your Attitudes

In ‘Understand Your Influences’ you will discover and learn to understand the influences that have affected your core masculinity. Core masculinity is only what you start with, it changes through your life. Your parents will have exerted the most immediate and basic influence on you. You will come to understand that and learn how it has helped create many different personalities in you. It is important for you to meet those personalities and get to resolve the issues between them. You will look at your attitudes to life, and how they have affected you and your relationships with others.

Your Influences – Summary

Parents

As a man, your father is important to you. You possibly aspired to be him and determined never to be like him. A boy child tends to copy male figures because he perceives them as similar to him and as powerful. This copying is reinforced by the behavior of his parents towards him.

You love your mother but you also need your mother. Men can confuse comfort with love, they feel this deep need, an emptiness to be filled. They look for their mothers to fill it and as they grow up, subconsciously, they can’t admit this to themselves, so they look for women who are like their mothers, who will fill this need.

Personalities

Conflicting requirements, particularly from parents, create conflicting needs inside you. Conflicting directions, conflicting ideas of what you should be. These can build into conflicting and different personalities within you. There are many different people within you, there are many different personalities. It’s likely that you needed to be different people for your father and your mother. Your parents are individuals with their own demands and pressures. As children you would respond to these in different ways.

Attitudes

You are in charge of your mind and you control everything you do. You make choices for yourself and you should understand where you stand on three major attitudes to life.

  • The first is the concept of towards or away from.
  • The second is looking forwards or backwards.
  • The third is apportioning blame or taking responsibility.

Are you moving towards a vision or are you moving away from where you’ve been? Understanding the essential difference in motivation is key to creating the life you desire. Are you moving towards a vision or are you moving away from something unpleasant or something you don’t like? It’s about whether you focus on pleasure or pain. These are the two core emotions within the depths of your being that drive so much of what you do. Do you seek pleasure or do you seek to avoid pain?

Many people get stuck in the past; constantly reliving what happened to them. Others are constantly looking forwards planning what they are going to do. Neither really seem to focus on now, the present moment; this is the most important time. Changing this could have a powerful effect on your relationship.

The desire to blame is imbedded within our society. It seems that it’s always someone else’s fault. It starts on a wide front with blaming the government and the people we think control us, the military, the corporations, those who hold the money. This comes out in extreme form through the many conspiracy theories around. It finishes in your relationships when you fight your partner, when you blame each other for everything that’s wrong.


Your Influences – Worksheet

Set aside time to think through your answers to the questions. They are intended to get you thinking about your influences. Write your answers either in this worksheet or start a journal. Also write your emotional or other reactions.

  1. Who was your father for you? Was he a hero or a villain? How did he influence you? Who did you have to be for your father? What did you suppress to gain your father’s love?
  2. Who was your mother for you? Was she a comforter or a woman? Did she have a personality, as you saw it, outside of her role as a mother? Who did you have to be for your mother? What did she expect of you? Did you fulfill that or shy away from it?
  3. Think about what you focus on in life. Are you constantly looking at and talking about what has happened, or are you looking to what is going to happen? How much do you focus on the present, this moment. How aware are you of what is going on around you?
  4. What are you holding on to that you blame someone else for? What do you think is happening in your life that is someone else’s fault? How much do you blame other people for your difficulties? How much do you take responsibility for yourself and your life?

Your Influences – Exercise

Having learned to love yourself you will now look at accepting yourself. To do this you need to know who you are and integrate all the different parts of yourself.

You begin by understanding your different personalities. Write down what comes out of this exercise in your journal.

The key to your personalities will come from the worksheet where you look at how you reacted to the influence of your father and your mother. It is likely that you were a different person for each of them, depending on what they were looking for in you. From there look at your life and how you show up in different ways in different situations.

Look at the different roles you play in your life; son, father, brother, husband, employee, employer, leader, sportsman, academic, worker etc. Look at the personalities you employ in these different roles. Look at how you are a different man in each situation.

When you bring together the different personalities from when you grew up with the different personalities you are now, you will build up a profile of who you are, a matrix of what makes you a man. Look at the relative importance of these roles to you and others in your life, look at which roles you play most of the time.

I want you to list the personalities and give them names. Get to know them and get comfortable with them.

Start to understand that these personalities are different people inside you. Go somewhere on your own and talk to the personalities. Talk out loud, have a discussion about who they are, where they came from and why they are here.

Talk to each personality in turn and make sure you fully understand where they came from, what their role is and what their intentions for you are. Resolve any differences between them and you and clear up any conflict. If they don’t serve you any more, let them go with your gratitude.

It may be that they need to talk to each other and resolve differences. It is frequently the case that the roles have differing outcomes that cause conflict within you. These need to be worked out and you should work to align the roles so they all have your best interests at heart.

Get yourself to a point where you feel comfortable with all the parts of yourself. You should know them and understand them. Keep going through this process until you feel that they have all become an integrated whole.

This may need to be an exercise that you come back to in the future, it is rarely possible to resolve all these issues in one session. Start by getting comfortable with the process and learn to enjoy getting to know yourself.


Read the following articles to open up your perspective…

Other articles by Sat Purusha:

Other relevant articles:


Previous: Session 1: Be In Your Core

Next: Session 3: Be Grounded


Letting Go of the Need to be Mothered

being mothered

Many men and women unconsciously collaborate in maintaining domination by men. One of the factors at the heart of this is men's need to be mothered by women. For the situation to change men need to let go of this need.

Why is it that men continue to allow women to mother them? Why is it that men do not seem to be able to move beyond their childhood? Why is it that so many men refuse to take on the level of maturity needed to let go of this need?

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Do Men Cling To Their Mask of Masculinity?

I used to regard the life I was leading as a lie. My fear was that people would see me as weak, indecisive and scared. I wonder whether this is typical for men?

According to Tony Robbins we all have a Primary Question. It’s a question we ask ourselves everyday of our lives, one that controls our focus and the direction of our lives. For many years my Primary Question was, “What if I’m found out?” I regarded the life I was leading as a lie, a mask, an attempt to bolster my male power. My fear was being found out by someone, by anyone. My fear was that people would see the real me, the weak, indecisive and scared me.

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Being a Grandfather—The Joys and the Lessons Learned

joys and lessons of being a grandfather

I recently became a Grandfather for the first time. I am overjoyed about this but aware that it is not as simple as it seems.

A year ago I became a grandfather for the first time and I am still in a daze about it. It is over thirty years since I became a father. I loved it at the time but I have no desire to go through it again. Being a grandfather is, however, completely different, I am glad to say.

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Getting Old? Absolutely Not!

I refuse to get old and expect to become a cantankerous old man.

My parents-in-law are visiting: it’s their first trip to Spain. They have the resigned look of people waiting for life to fade out. They fit in here, in this seaside town full of English ex-pat pensioners wondering what to do with their lives and their money.

I am just a few months away from becoming an official ‘Old Age Pensioner’ (a UK term for the more gentle US term ‘Senior Citizen’) myself. I will be grateful for the State Pension, having paid into it my whole working life, but I don’t feel old. I am the same age as many of the tired people I see in ‘Koi’, my favourite cafe, but I feel as I’m from a different planet.

I am overweight and find hill-walking difficult. I no longer run, perhaps more through laziness. My hair is white and I enjoy more rest than I used to. I need glasses to read but I don’t feel my body failing. I don’t see age sucking me down into its abyss. I don’t think about death or what might have been.

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10 Annoying Things Men Do (Or Are They Endearing?)

Men make up around half the population and the other half seem to get annoyed by them most of the time. Why are men so annoying?

Maybe you love men and find their little habits endearing and lovable? Here are the habits that I see that women find difficult to take (or are they just annoying things men do?)

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Is A Woman A Feminist, A Goddess Or A Dependent

There is a famous quotation from an unknown author, "Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich."

While this is a great joke, there is a lot of truth there—at least as far as women are concerned! Men are reputed to not be emotional beings, the greater truth is that they hide their emotions from women.

Because of this blank wall women make up how they think men work. They generally get it wrong, not because they’re stupid but because they genuinely don’t understand. Men, unfortunately, do nothing to help women understand, and so the confusion goes on.

The joke reveals the two major attitudes that women have to men, the two major sources of their knowledge and lack of understanding.

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How to Love a Man — 10 Steps for Women

I rise to the challenge of supporting women, so here is the lowdown.

A month ago I wrote a popular post about ‘How To Love A Woman – 10 Ways A Man Can Love‘ with my recommendations to men on how to love their woman. In it I said,

How often do you hear men say, “My wife doesn’t understand me.” What they really mean is, “I don’t understand my wife.

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10 Men Who Cant Love — Is That You?

men who cant love

Men and love, it's important to consider men who can't find love.

In another article I looked at “How to Love a Woman“. In talking about men in love I said,

It’s an overwhelming emotion you have about another person, an emotion that you can’t truly explain but you can’t get rid of. It makes you want to be with that person, hold them, touch them, have sex with them. It shows itself as an exchange of energy, a polarity, that excites your soul. Love makes you feel great and totally transforms life.

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