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How To Be A Man – How To Be Present and Focused

How to be a man? Most men don’t think they need to know. Most men just carry on as if everything is OK. Can’t you see how you are losing out?

I am organising an evening event, here in Spain, on ‘Sizzling Relationships’. It’s based on the work I do with men, helping them learn how to be a man. There are lots of women signing up, even though my work is mainly with men. They are having difficulties, however, getting their men to come.

I am also having difficulties getting men to sign up for my course on ‘How To Love A Woman’..

What’s happening? Where are they? Where are the men? Don’t they want to know ‘How To Be A Man’?

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Emotional Abuse – I Still Want To Kick The Shit Out Of Him…

Being dominating and using mental and emotional abuse is as bad as being physically abusive.

I was in Glasgow with my parents on our annual trip back to Scotland to visit family. I must have been in my early teens. I went off for the day to explore the city on my own. I’ve always enjoyed walking around new and strange cities. My love of steam trains (they still existed then) took me to St Enoch Station.

Standing on the steps looking at my map and wondering where to go next, I was approached by a man seeking to help me.

I was the typical innocent abroad and trusted this man. We started talking and he offered to buy me a coffee in the station cafe. I accepted.

We sat in a quiet corner and at one point he gently took my hand and laid it on his leg. I realised my hand was on his erect penis. I was horrified and only then realised why this man was so helpful. I got away as quick as I could.

Although nothing serious happened to me this experience has remained with me for 50 years now. Continue reading →

Understanding Women – The Key To Amazing Relationships

When I was young I had no clue what made women tick, I had no idea about understanding women.

Women were a foreign country to me with a language I didn’t understand.

I was shy and awkward around women. I just didn’t know what to do.

It wasn’t until I stepped into my power as a man that things started to really make sense to me. It wasn’t until I looked at myself that I realised I understood the language all along.

When you are learning how to attract a woman or trying to find a relationship, the skill of understanding women will be essential.

I am not talking about the times you are horny and just want to have sex. What I am talking about is when you really start to understand the complex nature of women. Continue reading →

Why Do Men Cheat – The Dirty Lowdown Of The Affair

Man On The Lookout

Women seem to talk constantly about why men cheat. There is a perception that men cheat all the time, is this true? It creates an impression that men are not to be trusted, do you find this?

When both men and women are asked why do men cheat, the immediate responses are often,

… men cheat to get back in touch with their inner caveman.
… men cheat because they like to play with fire.
… men cheat out of boredom.
… men cheat because they want more sex than women do.
… men cheat because the wife always nagging.
… men cheat just because they can …

These answers come mainly from Urban Myth, are they true, are there any facts to back them up?

Since 1950, when the famous Kinsey sex study found that 50% of American men cheat, the number cheating hasn’t changed much, even with all of today’s opportunities at our fingertips, including the internet and chatrooms.

Why Men Cheat – Is Infidelity A Given?

How true is the idea put forward by men that ‘It’s our biological nature‘?

Scientific research has taught us that there are three hormones inside our body that determine how monogamous we are: oxytocin, arginine vasopressin, and testosterone.

Oxytocin makes people want to stay together. It is the hormone that forges the bond between a mother and her new-born baby.

Arginine vasopressin supports the desire to support your mate or offspring, an important aspect of bonding between couples.

It’s the receptors for these two hormones in the brain that determine us as monogamous.

Then there is Testosterone, associated with libido and sex drive, and also male characteristics such as muscular structure.

Testosterone conflicts with the bonding effects of Oxytocin in driving a person to seek more sexual partners, to be single-minded and to take risks. Men usually have up to ten times more of it than women.

Our brain makes constant, calculated guesses regarding the consequences of our actions. A high level of testosterone seems to influence our calculation in favour of the satisfaction of the immediate desire.

Does that mean men can blame their Testosterone level for the fact that they cheat? Absolutely not, although influenced, we still are responsible for deciding whether to act upon our impulse. So hormones are not the answer to why men cheat.

What other reasons do men have for cheating in relationships?

Many men have difficulty talking about their feelings, let alone showing them. Sometimes it can feel safer to meet with someone new than to speak up at home and perhaps jeopardise their long-term relationship.

Often men are cheating because they don’t know how to be in a successful relationship. Instead of dealing with their hang-ups, like fear of connection or fear of intimacy, they entertain the idea that an affair remains superficial and, therefore, safe.

There are men who cheat because of their own feelings of loneliness, or suppressed anger. Instead of stepping up and addressing those issues they run away and hide.

It seems that cheating can be closely connected with men’s inability to address issues in their lives.

Five Types of infidelity

It is recognised that there are a number of different types of infidelity. Each type of infidelity indcates a different cause of why men cheat:

Opportunistic Infidelity – You have a partner but give in to the attraction you feel for someone else. Driven by lust in the moment, the time is right and usually a little risky. Many men specifically enjoy this type.

Obligatory Infidelity – Based on the fear that not giving in to the sexual advances of the other person will result in rejection by them. This stems from the need for approval.

Romantic Infidelity – You are lost because your relationship is petering out and you look for a replacement, look for affairs. To quote the legenday B.B. King, the ‘thrill is gone’.

Conflicted Romantic Infidelity – You have a strong sexual desire for several people at the same time, as well as being in a committed intimate relationship. You feel confused and that confiding in the intimate partner is not an option, unless you are in an ‘open relationship’.

Remembrance Infidelity – When you fall completely out of love with your current partner and want to get back to when you were in love.

Who Are You Really Cheating, Your Relationship?

Usually you are cheating yourself. Most infidelity involves pretence and lying to yourself. Personal honesty is key to preventing this. Don’t promise to be anything that you are not. If you like hunting women, if that is you at your core, stay true to your word. Don’t start creating false pretences by telling women you always want to be with them. Because you know you don’t.

Remember you will always feel the pull of polarity. The decision to take it further, however, is always yours to make or not. Your Testosterone creates urges, it does not control you.

Alexander The Great – Visionary And Reader Of Omens

Recently I went on a trip to Turkey to look at some of the ancient sites connected with Alexander the Great. The lessons from Alexander are powerful for all of us.

He had an amazing vision of what he wanted to do in life, what he wanted to achieve. But, as we all know, moving from vision to reality can be a trial. You need certainty that what you are doing is right and you need to be able to bring your followers along with you knowing they will trust you.

Alexander used the gods and omens to confirm what he was doing as he was putting his vision into action. He deliberately modelled himself on Achilles the great mythological hero. Aligning himself with Achilles gave him stature and helped him get total respect from his men.

He would interpret events around him as omens for his battles ahead, before the great battle of Gaugamela he saw an eagle flying high in the sky, for him an omen of coming success.

Yesterday I was sitting outside after eating lunch talking with Urmila about my plans for my new product on Graham Reid Phoenix. I am bringing out an online course for men teaching them ‘How To Love A Woman’ and ‘How To Be The Man Who Can Be With A Woman’. The details are finaling coming together and I am getting excited about the possibilities of marketing it to the wider world.

Just at that point Urmila stopped and pointed to the sky. There was a hawk flying high in the sky, circling on the thermals above the valley below.

We have been here over a year and this is the first time we have seen anything like this.

It circled higher and higher and flew over the top of us before flying off into the distance. This was an omen, there is no doubt in my mind. It shows the success that is lying in wait and it shows that on it I will fly higher and higher.

The effect has been amazing. The commitment is total.

Below is a video from the trip to Turkey where I talk about Alexander’s lesson for me.

Love Yourself – Get To Know Who You Are

To grow as a man and learn how to be with a woman you need to start with yourself.Knowing yourself is great beginning, but loving yourself is the end you should aim for.

Loving yourself may not seem very ‘manly’. It may seem a little soft or ‘new age’ to you, but believe me it’s absolutely essential if you want to gain self confidence and become more grounded.

This is important if you lack confidence in yourself or your relationship, or if you find it difficult to love for others. If you become grounded and love yourself you’ll take a crucial step to avoiding feeling awkward around women and you’ll gain confidence in yourself and your abilities.

Understanding how to love yourself will enable you to love others and create a feeling a certainty in those around you.

“Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.”
(Maya Angelou)

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Surrender Is The Tenderest Impulse Of The Heart

“Spiritually, no action is more important than surrender. Surrender is the tenderest impulse of the heart, acting out of love to give whatever the beloved wants. Surrender is being alert to exactly what is happening now, not imposing expectations from the past. Surrender is faith that the power of love can accomplish anything, even when you cannot foresee the outcome of a situation.” —Deepak Chopra

It is common to see relationships as battlegrounds where couples act out their needs and desires. Relationships are where people most often seek to control another person. Relationships fail more often than they succeed because people try to manipulate them into what they want.

When did you last look with detachment at your intimate or most important relationship? When did you last honestly appraise it and work out what it really means to you? Have you ever done this with compassion and understanding?

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I was married, previously, for thirty years without ever honestly looking at my relationship. I never considered what it meant to me and I think if I had i would have left it earlier.

I was trying to be in control, as was my wife, and we fought it out for years with no-one winning out in the end.

Have you been there? Are you there now? Do you see a way out?

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It’s time to let go, time to surrender. This is not considered to be a very masculine thing to do. Letting go of control is considered to be more of a feminine quality. Indeed it is one of the qualities that most defines femininity. When a woman surrenders to herself and her impulses she finds she can start to trust others in her life, particularly her man. Trust is what she looks for in a man, trust is why she constantly tests her man.

For a man to surrender is considered to be a loss of face, the ultimate insult. Albert Einstein said,

“If men as individuals surrender to the call of their elementary instincts, avoiding pain and seeking satisfaction only for their own selves, the result for them all taken together must be a state of insecurity, of fear, and of promiscuous misery.”

John McCain said,

“Do not yield. Do not flinch. Stand up. Stand up with our President and fight. We’re Americans. We’re Americans, and we’ll never surrender. They will.”

‌Surrender as a spiritual practice shows a depth of knowledge and understanding of yourself that is undeniable. It shows a care and compassion for the other person that is deep and meaningful. To be able to give up control shows a love of the other that sets you apart.

It’s so simple being an American, just fight to the death and you will die honourably!

But, as Deepak says at the beginning, “no action is more important than surrender”.

Surrender as a spiritual practice shows a depth of knowledge and understanding of yourself that is undeniable. It shows a care and compassion for the other person that is deep and meaningful. To be able to give up control shows a love of the other that sets you apart.

The ability to stand firm in the face of your enemies is a masculine quality but the ability to surrender in the face of love is a simple human quality. Would that we could all see our human qualities.

Infinite Expectation Of The Dawn – Find Your Brilliance

“We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aid, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn.” —Henry David Thoreau

How do you relate to the environment you live in? What appreciation of the flow of nature do you have? Reawaken to the dawn? Does this mean anything to you?

Modern society has shifted the natural rhythms of the body to fit with it’s perceived needs. We use artificial light to lengthen our days and allow us to live as we want, not as nature intended. We no longer allow the flow of natural light to trigger our physical responses and take us through life.

This has been key to my life over the past 40 years. I was a lighting designer and created amazing environments for people to work and play in, for people to enjoy. The work I did enabled people to do what they wanted in a comfortable and relaxing atmosphere.

I am not recanting the work I did or even saying that it has a negative effect. I am saying that it has increasingly allowed people to become separated from the world they live in.

There is a natural flow to life that is about more than light and dark, about more than the obvious. There is a flow that is seen in the subtlety of nature, of the universe. It comes out when we reawaken to the dawn.

The play of energy that we live amongst is not noticed by most people and yet it powerfully affects their lives. The polarity between male and female energy affects not just relationships but also the balance of power in our cultures. Whilst many people see a battle between the sexes, I see a constantly shifting flow of energy.

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The influence of spiritual energy in our lives goes far beyond concepts of religion. Our expectations in life, the way we manifest the life we lead is closely intertwined with the spiritual energy that flows through and around us.

‌When you allow yourself to sense the subtle shifts of natural light you slowly re-connect with nature. As you allow this connection to grow within you, you become increasingly aware of the amazing potential in the world.

When you insulate yourself from nature’s natural rhythms you also insulate yourself from the energy of the universe. When you close yourself off into an unnatural world you close yourself off from the opportunities presented by the universe and the spiritual energy that flows through it.

When you allow yourself to sense the subtle shifts of natural light you slowly re-connect with nature. As you allow this connection to grow within you, you become increasingly aware of the amazing potential in the world.

This process needs time to grow, but as you trust it it becomes extremely powerful in your life. It is a re-awakening of our spirits and our soul that will transform us and transform society. This re-awakening, however, has to come from within, from a sincere desire to re-connect with your core, with the source of your life.

As you feel the subtlety of the approach of the dawn, as you become able to sense the imperceptible shifts in natural light, only then can you truly become aware of the energy of the universe. Only then can you reawaken to the dawn. As this energy becomes real to you, you become more conscious of your role in life.

Then you are able to expect amazing things for yourself and society.

Shiva Shakti – Ambiguity And Paradox – Creation and Destruction

Balancing last week’s look at the Bushido Code I am looking at Shiva Shakti, the Hindu god.

It is worth examining who he is, what he represents and the lessons he has for today’s man. Some of you found Bushido too attached to violence and a destructive way of life, it’s interesting that Shiva is also connected to destruction. This seems to be a theme in men.

I looked, previously, at Shiva in Kali’s Sword, a post about women and their view of us men. In it I tell the story of Kali, Shiva’s consort, causing chaos on the battlefield. To calm her down Shiva lies down and lets her step on him. This shows how …

… when a man stands like a rock in the midst of female chaos she can lock on to him and let it all go.

This doesn’t seem to be about destruction, in fact it’s the opposite, preventing it. Continue reading →

rolling stones

Advice On Relationships From The Rolling Stones

I am always looking for advice on relationships and I recently found a fascinating source.

In the autumn of 1963 I saw The Rolling Stones, at the Odeon Theatre in Manchester, on their first UK concert tour as a supporting act for American stars including Bo Diddley, Little Richard and The Everly Brothers.

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