Session 3: Be Grounded

Self-Confidence, Being Grounded, Loving Yourself

In ‘Be Grounded and Loving’ you will learn that another essential quality in a man is the ability to be grounded. From the solidity of this grounding comes the ability to love and be loved. Where these collide is in self-love. Your ability to love yourself is a basic requirement for moving forward on this journey. You will work on your self-confidence, allowing you to be able to love yourself and therefore, love others. It is crucial that you get this right and that you understand this process.

Be Grounded – Summary

Self-Confidence

Your expectations, your choices, values, and beliefs are created by your unconscious mind. If you change your unconscious pattern of thought, you can change the basis of your life. Men seemed to be totally unaware of how they present themselves and how they’re seen by others. There’s a number of very specific issues that show what’s going on. Deal with those and you will change how people perceive you. They include: Clothes, Hair, Stance, Expression, Walk, Tone, Speech, Communication, Body Language, Attitude, Presence, Gratitude.

Being Grounded

It means is that you’re in touch with reality. You are able to resist pressure from those around you. You’re able to be certain in yourself and enable others to feel certain around you. Once you rid yourself of any doubt, you find you can accept all that you are. Look at others only to model them and absorb what is great in them.

Loving Yourself

To love yourself means to accept yourself as you are, and come to terms with those aspects of yourself you cannot change. It means to have self-respect, a positive self-image, and unconditional self-acceptance. It means having a healthy regard for yourself, knowing that you are a worthy human being. It is important to remind yourself that no one is perfect. You have strengths and weaknesses and you possess the resources to work on improving yourself.

You are unique in the specific talents and abilities you have to offer. In order to appreciate yourself is up to you to discover what makes you unique and to go further in developing those talents. You have a responsibility to yourself to do so. You cannot sit around and wait for approval from others. You need to work on accepting yourself. You are the only you you have and it’s in your best interest to be the best you can be.

How do you love yourself?

  • You do so by investing in and working on your personal growth and development.
  • You take care of your body by eating well. Exercise and get plenty of rest.
  • Don’t neglect your spirit or you will lack balance and feel that something is missing.
  • If you don’t love yourself things can happen to restrict your ability to live well.

To be able to truly love someone without attachment or possessiveness, you have to fully accept yourself with all the flaws, mistakes and inadequacies you may have.

But if you just rely on those around you to teach you about love, you fall into a passive way of coming to love yourself. I prefer to use my ability to love myself to show others how to love me. That creates an interaction that grows and builds. Learn to love others so you can learn to love yourself.


Be Grounded – Worksheet

Set aside time to think through your answers to the questions. They are intended to get you thinking about loving yourself. Write your answers either in this worksheet or start a journal. Also write your emotional or other reactions.

  1. Honestly ask the question, do you love yourself? If you are unsure then ask yourself: can you love yourself?
  2. If you answered yes then write down all the ways you love yourself, write down all the things you love about yourself. You can be honest no-one else is going to read this.
  3. If you answered no or aren’t sure then write down all the parts of yourself that get in the way. What is it you aren’t sure of? What don’t you like?
  4. Can you let go of the things that get in the way? What would it take to love yourself? What are the things you could love about yourself?

Be Grounded – Exercise

Write down four things you feel about yourself in each of the following areas:

  • Relationships with Others
  • Day to Day Functioning
  • Personality
  • Appearance

Go back over your answers and look at the extent to which they show strength or weakness.

Re-write your answers bearing in mind the following:

  • Celebrate the strengths you identify in the exercise.
  • Look at weakness from the opposite perspective.
  • Recognise hidden or overlooked talents.
  • Note where weakness specifically occurs and where it doesn’t.
  • Let go of judgements.
  • Eliminate hurtful words that just don’t belong.

Re-write them.

  • Relationships with Others
  • Day to Day Functioning
  • Personality
  • Appearance

Now look at how different the view you see is. Get to know the person you now show yourself to be.

As you go through the course, return to this exercise from time to time and re-do it.


Read the following articles to open up your perspective…

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Previous: Session 2: Understand Your Influences

Next: Session 4: Live In Your Power


Session 2: Understand Your Influences

Your Parents, Your Personalities, Your Attitudes

In ‘Understand Your Influences’ you will discover and learn to understand the influences that have affected your core masculinity. Core masculinity is only what you start with, it changes through your life. Your parents will have exerted the most immediate and basic influence on you. You will come to understand that and learn how it has helped create many different personalities in you. It is important for you to meet those personalities and get to resolve the issues between them. You will look at your attitudes to life, and how they have affected you and your relationships with others.

Your Influences – Summary

Parents

As a man, your father is important to you. You possibly aspired to be him and determined never to be like him. A boy child tends to copy male figures because he perceives them as similar to him and as powerful. This copying is reinforced by the behavior of his parents towards him.

You love your mother but you also need your mother. Men can confuse comfort with love, they feel this deep need, an emptiness to be filled. They look for their mothers to fill it and as they grow up, subconsciously, they can’t admit this to themselves, so they look for women who are like their mothers, who will fill this need.

Personalities

Conflicting requirements, particularly from parents, create conflicting needs inside you. Conflicting directions, conflicting ideas of what you should be. These can build into conflicting and different personalities within you. There are many different people within you, there are many different personalities. It’s likely that you needed to be different people for your father and your mother. Your parents are individuals with their own demands and pressures. As children you would respond to these in different ways.

Attitudes

You are in charge of your mind and you control everything you do. You make choices for yourself and you should understand where you stand on three major attitudes to life.

  • The first is the concept of towards or away from.
  • The second is looking forwards or backwards.
  • The third is apportioning blame or taking responsibility.

Are you moving towards a vision or are you moving away from where you’ve been? Understanding the essential difference in motivation is key to creating the life you desire. Are you moving towards a vision or are you moving away from something unpleasant or something you don’t like? It’s about whether you focus on pleasure or pain. These are the two core emotions within the depths of your being that drive so much of what you do. Do you seek pleasure or do you seek to avoid pain?

Many people get stuck in the past; constantly reliving what happened to them. Others are constantly looking forwards planning what they are going to do. Neither really seem to focus on now, the present moment; this is the most important time. Changing this could have a powerful effect on your relationship.

The desire to blame is imbedded within our society. It seems that it’s always someone else’s fault. It starts on a wide front with blaming the government and the people we think control us, the military, the corporations, those who hold the money. This comes out in extreme form through the many conspiracy theories around. It finishes in your relationships when you fight your partner, when you blame each other for everything that’s wrong.


Your Influences – Worksheet

Set aside time to think through your answers to the questions. They are intended to get you thinking about your influences. Write your answers either in this worksheet or start a journal. Also write your emotional or other reactions.

  1. Who was your father for you? Was he a hero or a villain? How did he influence you? Who did you have to be for your father? What did you suppress to gain your father’s love?
  2. Who was your mother for you? Was she a comforter or a woman? Did she have a personality, as you saw it, outside of her role as a mother? Who did you have to be for your mother? What did she expect of you? Did you fulfill that or shy away from it?
  3. Think about what you focus on in life. Are you constantly looking at and talking about what has happened, or are you looking to what is going to happen? How much do you focus on the present, this moment. How aware are you of what is going on around you?
  4. What are you holding on to that you blame someone else for? What do you think is happening in your life that is someone else’s fault? How much do you blame other people for your difficulties? How much do you take responsibility for yourself and your life?

Your Influences – Exercise

Having learned to love yourself you will now look at accepting yourself. To do this you need to know who you are and integrate all the different parts of yourself.

You begin by understanding your different personalities. Write down what comes out of this exercise in your journal.

The key to your personalities will come from the worksheet where you look at how you reacted to the influence of your father and your mother. It is likely that you were a different person for each of them, depending on what they were looking for in you. From there look at your life and how you show up in different ways in different situations.

Look at the different roles you play in your life; son, father, brother, husband, employee, employer, leader, sportsman, academic, worker etc. Look at the personalities you employ in these different roles. Look at how you are a different man in each situation.

When you bring together the different personalities from when you grew up with the different personalities you are now, you will build up a profile of who you are, a matrix of what makes you a man. Look at the relative importance of these roles to you and others in your life, look at which roles you play most of the time.

I want you to list the personalities and give them names. Get to know them and get comfortable with them.

Start to understand that these personalities are different people inside you. Go somewhere on your own and talk to the personalities. Talk out loud, have a discussion about who they are, where they came from and why they are here.

Talk to each personality in turn and make sure you fully understand where they came from, what their role is and what their intentions for you are. Resolve any differences between them and you and clear up any conflict. If they don’t serve you any more, let them go with your gratitude.

It may be that they need to talk to each other and resolve differences. It is frequently the case that the roles have differing outcomes that cause conflict within you. These need to be worked out and you should work to align the roles so they all have your best interests at heart.

Get yourself to a point where you feel comfortable with all the parts of yourself. You should know them and understand them. Keep going through this process until you feel that they have all become an integrated whole.

This may need to be an exercise that you come back to in the future, it is rarely possible to resolve all these issues in one session. Start by getting comfortable with the process and learn to enjoy getting to know yourself.


Read the following articles to open up your perspective…

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Previous: Session 1: Be In Your Core

Next: Session 3: Be Grounded


Session 1: Be In Your Core

Core Masculinity, Male Energy, Focus

In ‘Be In Your Core’ you will learn how to be in your core. You will discover your core masculinity, the masculinity you were born with. That is your starting point for the journey. That is what you will build on. You will come to feel your male energy, that drive that is deep down inside you. You will learn about focus. Focus is the first of the essential male qualities that I introduce. Focus is crucial. Focus is often what defines a man.

Journey to the Core of the Masculine
'Conversations about Men & Masculinity'
'A 40 Day Challenge for Men'

This is a unique and powerful book on masculinity, sex, addiction and relationships. Chris Howard and I opened up in a personal way and explored what it is to be men.

Be In Your Core – Video

Be In Your Core – Summary

Core Masculinity

What is a definition of masculinity? What is a man?

  • Male is a biological term. It is a simple, straightforward definition of physical sex.
  • Man means an adult male with associated qualities such as courage and virility.
  • Maleness suggests biological properties associated with sex and virility.
  • Manhood is the state of being a man as distinguished from being a child or a woman.
  • Masculinity is the trait of behaving in ways considered typical for a man.

There are differences between masculine and feminine. The three major viewpoints are:

  • The differences are genetic. They are part of our physical makeup.
  • The differences are socialised. They are created by our cultural upbringing.
  • The differences are given by god and are meant for the procreation of children.

There are a number of factors which determine a man’s sex or gender.

  • Genetic sex. A male is a male because his genes carry a Y chromosome.
  • Gonadal sex. The sex glands are invaded by male sex cells, creating male sex glands.
  • Genital sex. Testosterone is secreted by the male sex cells creating the genitals.
  • Gender role. Testosterone leaves a male imprint on the brain cells of the foetus.
  • Gender identity. A boy develops himself as a man and his sexual nature.

Accepting core masculinity is accepting the essence that you are born with. This means:

  • Understanding what it is and living authentically with it.
  • Understanding how you have been socialized by family, friends and society.
  • Celebrating the differences between men and women and their equality.
  • Understanding social norms as models created by the dominant culture or media.

Male Energy

This is the key to being a man. Many men never find their male energy. They become weak as men. Many of the problems that men face are because their male energy is suppressed. They experience sexual problems or intimacy problems.

Focus

To focus means to be completely absorbed by the task in hand and not distracted by what else is happening. Women understand the need to be focused and want to be with a man who is focused. That is why presence is so important. When you are with your woman, you need to be with her.


Be In Your Core – Worksheet

Set aside time to think through your answers to the questions. They are intended to get you thinking about masculinity and your attitude to it. Write your answers either in this worksheet or start a journal. Also write your emotional or other reactions.

  1. What is masculinity for you? Does this relate to you or to men in general? Have you always felt this way?
  2. To what extent do you match this image of masculinity? To what extent do you believe you are masculine?
  3. Do you have a sense of your core masculinity, of what you are naturally? How has this core masculinity been influenced by your mother or your father?
  4. How has your view of masculinity, men and yourself changed over time? How would you see it changing in the future?

Be In Your Core – Exercise

This is an exercise on masculinity, looking at your core masculinity. Watch the supplementary video to help explain the exercise.

Masculinity and femininity exist as polar opposites in sexual polarity, it is necessary that they do, but that is between two people. Within a person the situation is far more complex. The concept of six essentially masculine qualities and six essential feminine qualities helps to clarify this. Everyone has access to these qualities and can develop them. People live with they’re own combination of the qualities so that an individual’s masculinity or femininity is a matrix of the extent to which they embody the qualities.

There are six essentially masculine qualities and six essential feminine qualities. Everyone has access to these qualities. You live with your own combination of them, your masculinity is a matrix of the extent to which you embody the qualities.

Do the exercise in relation to where you are now in your masculinity. You will rate yourself against all 12 qualities where you were before embarking on the course. The rating is 1 to 5.

  • 1 = “I feel like I don’t have this quality.”
  • 2 = “I feel I have elements of this quality, but it’s hidden.”
  • 3 = “I feel I have this quality to some extent, but I would like to change it.”
  • 4 = “I feel I have this quality and feel happy with it,”
  • 5 = “I feel I fully embody this quality.”

The masculine qualities are:

  • Grounded: It is be in touch with reality and able to resist pressure and events around you. So there is a solidity to you, you can’t be thrown off. You are what you are. You’re not immovable, but you are not buffeted by the winds of femininity blowing around you.
  • Leadership: A leader is able to provide all his own needs and able to provide the needs of others allowing them to feel safe. This goes beyond physical needs, but it’s about emotional and psychological needs. You know what your needs in life are and fill them. You know your responsibility to others whether they’re you partner, children, employees or colleagues. You’re able to provide for their needs and do what’s necessary to create an appropriate relationship with them.
  • Potent: This is being strong, powerful and fully in charge of your sexuality. The key part is being fully in charge of your sexuality, not letting it take charge of you, as many men do. One of the problems that many men face is the fact that they are not in charge. They let their sexuality take over, that’s where abusive and rape and dominance comes from. This physically harms women, but it also harms the reputation of men.
  • Dynamic: It’s the ability to keep going, to be able to enjoy life, to be full of energy, to have stamina. Alexander the Great crossed the known world in twelve years with forty thousand men. They walked ten thousand miles, they had the stamina to keep going and keep going.
  • Present: It’s being in the moment and completely attentive to the person you’re with or the event you’re at. Its a quality that is loved and sought by women in their men. The ability to be present, to be there, to be focused, to be totally with another person.
  • Focus: To get completely absorbed by the task in hand and not be distracted by what else is happening. It’s the ability to just close in and write, or make, or design, or create, or build, or whatever it is you do. Whatever it is you’re focused, you should be totally absorbed by it.

The feminine qualities are:

  • Free: That means being open and unrestricted, able to be involved in anything and seeking everything. That is so characteristic of woman. They think about everything, all at the same time. Multitasking comes easy to them. They seek to know and be involved in everything. It’s quite frightening for a man to watch.
  • Spontaneous: Spontaneous is the ability to react from the emotion of the situation and make quick assessments. This is where logic seems to disappear. It’s just a reaction, an emotion, an assessment, it just happens.
  • Intuitive: Being intuitive is when you act on an innate sense of what’s happening and are able to know beyond the senses. It’s when you just know what’s happening. Feminine intuition is famous and is so often right. It so often gets the situation perfectly. It’s when a woman seems able to know without knowledge.
  • Sceptical: Being sceptical is when you question others, particularly, those closest to you, looking for certainty. This is the source of feminine testing, where a woman tests you, all the time. A woman tests by questioning because she needs to trust. She needs to trust the person she’s with. She needs to know that it’s going to be safe, that everything’s going to be okay. She needs to know that she can relax and love.
  • Accepting: It’s the ability to accept circumstances once trust is established. A woman is more able to accept a situation, able to conciliate, able to accept different points of view. They don’t feel the requirement to force their point of view on others.
  • Nurturing: That’s caring for others as well as yourself, finding compassion in any situation. This is closely aligned to a woman being a mother, with the need to keep her children, her family, safe and well. There’s a deep need to care and nurture. Many women focus their lives in this area.

All of these characteristics are available to you. They act as a model to help you understand yourself. They don’t specify how to be masculine. They indicate, for you as a man, where masculinity lies.

Keep these ratings, you will need them at the end of the course.


Read the following articles to open up your perspective…

Other articles by Sat Purusha:

Other relevant articles:


Next: Session 2: Understand Your Influences


Session 5: A Life of Purpose

Truth, Purpose, Uncertainty

In ‘Live A Life Of Purpose’ you will learn that everyone should live a life of purpose but this is especially true for men. Whether you think purpose is divinely inspired or not, you need to find it. When you are on purpose, you can live your truth and be authentic in all you do. This, in turn, enables you to live in uncertainty and embrace it. Uncertainty demands vulnerability. Vulnerability that is not weak but strong. It is the vulnerability that enables you to stand up without fear.

A Life Of Purpose – Summary

Truth

Seeking after truth is really seeking after growing confidence, openness and love. Not knowing what you want, what you have, where you are going leaves you rudderless and directionless because you don’t know the truth. The truth you are seeking is inside.

To change is to become something you don’t yet fully understand. To grow is to become something new and something unknown. To move forward you need to be able to accept the uncertainty of that uncharted territory. To progress into this in full knowledge that you don’t know where the future will lead is next to exciting and the sign of a great leader, of someone who has their life in their hands.

Recognizing that you’re important is an essential part of being a man. Seeing this enables you to speak your own personal truth, no matter what it is. What does matter is that you own it and speak it, and take action on it.

Purpose

Our purpose isn’t to arrive at a destination where we find inspiration, as the purpose of dancing isn’t to end up at a particular spot on the floor. The purpose of dancing and life is to enjoy every moment and step, regardless of where we are when the music ends.

When you allow it, your life’s purpose will emerge over time as the by product of the joy, space, clarity created by spending your days engaged in what’s meaningful and rewarding.

Finding your purpose and getting it right is not important, taking the journey is. What you need to do is pursue all the little things that come together to make up your purpose. There is a unique answer to the question of why you’re here. The words that describe it resonate with you deeply. You need to live it day by day until it shifts from a thought into an actuality.

Uncertainty

It is the point at which you decide to step into uncertainty that the future of your life is determined.

The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with.

The key to masculinity is uncertainty. Accepting this shows a level of self-knowledge and courage that makes a man trustworthy. It makes a man powerful, because he can take the shifts and swirls of uncertainty that rage in this world, and still be left standing.

Once you step up to your truth, your purpose, you need to go out into the world without knowing what the result is going to be. This vulnerability that is stimulating, exhilarating and exciting will feed into the rest of your life and into your relationship.

Uncertainty is one of the six universal basic human needs identified by Tony Robbins. We are defined by the way we fulfil them and their order of importance. Adequate fulfilment of all six needs is needed to feel complete.

Needs of the Personality:

  1. Certainty
  2. Uncertainty
  3. Significance
  4. Connection and love

Needs of the Spirit:

  1. Growth
  2. Contribution

A Life Of Purpose – Worksheet

t aside time to think through your answers to the questions. They are intended to get you thinking about truth and uncertainty. Write your answers either in this worksheet or start a journal. Also write your emotional or other reactions.

  1. To what extent is your life in line with your ‘truth’? Are you just following your nose or are you focused?
  2. Do you do what you say you will do? Do you follow through? Do you do what you want or ask others to do, do you honour what you say to others?
  3. How much certainty do you crave? What do you need in your life?
  4. How much do you embrace uncertainty? To what extent can you integrate this as part of your life?

A Life Of Purpose – Exercise

Discover Your Life Purpose

How do you discover your real purpose in life? I’m not talking about your job, your daily responsibilities, or even your long-term goals. I mean the real reason why you’re here at all — the very reason you exist.

If you want to discover your true purpose in life, you must first empty your mind of all the false purposes you’ve been taught (including the idea that you may have no purpose at all).

Here’s what to do:

  1. Take out a blank sheet of paper or open up a word processor where you can type (I prefer the latter because it’s faster).
  2. Write at the top, “What is my true purpose in life?”
  3. Write an answer (any answer) that pops into your head. It doesn’t have to be a complete sentence. A short phrase is fine.
  4. Repeat step 3 until you write the answer that makes you cry. This is your purpose.

Usually it takes 15-20 minutes to clear your head of all the clutter and the social conditioning about what you think your purpose in life is. The false answers will come from your mind and your memories. But when the true answer finally arrives, it will feel like it’s coming to you from a different source entirely.

As you go through this process, some of your answers will be very similar. You may even re-list previous answers. Then you might head off on a new tangent and generate 10-20 more answers along some other theme. And that’s fine. You can list whatever answer pops into your head as long as you just keep writing.

At some point during the process (typically after about 50-100 answers), you may want to quit and just can’t see it converging. You may feel the urge to get up and make an excuse to do something else. That’s normal. Push past this resistance, and just keep writing. The feeling of resistance will eventually pass.

When you find your own unique answer to the question of why you’re here, you will feel it resonate with you deeply. The words will seem to have a special energy to you, and you will feel that energy whenever you read them.

Discovering your purpose is the easy part. The hard part is keeping it with you on a daily basis and working on yourself to the point where you become that purpose.


Read the following articles to open up your perspective…

Other articles by Sat Purusha:

Other relevant articles:


Previous: Session 4: Live In Your Power

Next: Session 6: Live Your Passion


How To Love A Woman Course

Transform Your View Of Yourself

Have the courage and strength to see your life as one that is worth living, worth enjoying and worth creating something from. This course will transform your view of yourself, transform how much you love yourself and develop your ability to be the man you really are. It will develop your ability to be authentic and to grow the masculinity that is already inside you.

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Create Deep Connections Online, Not Just In Person [Video]

Do you worry about your lack of connection because you are always online? In this video I talk about my life in a remote part of Spain and how I use virtual connections to create deep connections.

I am part of a Men’s Group we call ‘The Men’s Virtual Gathering’. We meet every second friday using Google Hangout. Ten of us meet from around the world, Spain, Portugal, Norway, Canada and the US.

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How I Found A Fabulous Marriage Using A Relationship Vision [Video]

For me great relationships are part of what makes life tick, so when I became a single man in my fifties the prospect of a new relationship terrified and fascinated me. I used a Relationship Vision to create a new, amazing marriage.

Having a passionate, creative relationship is crucial to a full life. The problem, when I was not in one, came down to a single, crucial, issue; what was I looking for? This was a puzzle to me, there was so much choice out there. How do I make a choice that will work for years to come? How can I distinguish between all the amazing women out there?

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Alexander The Great – Visionary And Reader Of Omens

Recently I went on a trip to Turkey to look at some of the ancient sites connected with Alexander the Great. The lessons from Alexander are powerful for all of us.

He had an amazing vision of what he wanted to do in life, what he wanted to achieve. But, as we all know, moving from vision to reality can be a trial. You need certainty that what you are doing is right and you need to be able to bring your followers along with you knowing they will trust you.

Alexander used the gods and omens to confirm what he was doing as he was putting his vision into action. He deliberately modelled himself on Achilles the great mythological hero. Aligning himself with Achilles gave him stature and helped him get total respect from his men.

He would interpret events around him as omens for his battles ahead, before the great battle of Gaugamela he saw an eagle flying high in the sky, for him an omen of coming success.

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Advice On Relationships From The Rolling Stones

advice on relationships rolling stones

I am always looking for advice on relationships and I recently found a fascinating source.

In the autumn of 1963 I saw The Rolling Stones, at the Odeon Theatre in Manchester, on their first UK concert tour as a supporting act for American stars including Bo Diddley, Little Richard and The Everly Brothers.

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