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Healing A Relationship – Use The Male 180

Several years ago a concept was introduced to the world of infidelity that is designed to help partners move forward in the healing of a relationship.

It is not designed to make you look good or your partner bad. It is a means of protection for the betrayed. It helps the betrayed to face their new world with dignity and bravery. It was suggested that any new betrayed partner implement these behaviours. They weren’t designed to make either side look good or bad. They were a means of protection for the betrayed. They helped the betrayed to face their new world with dignity and bravery, they appear stronger to the wayward partner.

This list was called The 180. It created a complete 180 degree rotation in actions and attitude. The betrayed partner is no longer a weeping sack of sorrow. Suddenly, they appear strong, happy, independent, and quite capable of making it on their own.

I have taken this idea and adapted it exclusively for males when they are at a point in a relationship when it is not working, they need help in relationships. There may not be betrayal involved but there is hurt, criticism and accusation. In this situation it is important for men to be present and strong in themselves. It is important for men to step back from either hurting or being hurt. A man needs to be a ‘rock’ and the woman needs to be able to trust and rely on him. If anything is going to come out of the trouble in the relationship then it is critical that the man is the central strong power. The woman can whirl around him, and should be able to.

So, men, when all else fails try these 13 steps to a powerful relationship:

  1. Don’t ever reason, chase, beg, plead or implore, she needs to make her own decisions.
  2. Remember she needs to feel good in her decision for herself.
  3. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future, don’t point out the good points in the relationship, at the moment the present is hard enough for her.
  4. Don’t ask for help from your partner’s family members or friends, she needs to make her own decisions.
  5. Don’t ask for reassurances, they would be meaningless if you got them.
  6. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life. Remember a man is focused and directed.
  7. No matter what you are feeling in the moment, only show your partner happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured man secure in the knowledge that they have value.
  8. All questions about the relationship should be put on hold, until your partner wants to talk about it. Initiate no such conversation!
  9. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling, ever. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool. Be in control of the only thing you can control, yourself!
  10. Do not argue when she tells you how she feels. In fact, refuse to argue at all. Be patient and learn to listen carefully to what she is really saying to you?
  11. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
  12. Do not focus on yourself and what is happening to you when communicating with her. Her behaviour is not about you!
  13. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Try to remember that she is hurting and afraid and is taking it out on you just because you are there.
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  1. Ive done all those things ive been clingy needy tryn my best to give her the time is it too late knowing that I have done all the wrong things..I wish I saw this two weeks ago..


    1. I feel your pain I have had anger issues I wouldn’t accept for about 3 years during the relationship and it came to a end two months ago and I’m a mess I can only pray with my therapy it changes and I can make it home. Wish I would have known about this before


  2. I have been married for 22 yrs & my wife & I have been very happy until an ex boyfriend from another country started talking to my wife on face book, she now tells me she is in love with him & only loves me as a husband. I told her to go to her mothers in the UK & clear her head for 6 weeks & the ex can catch up to her, she told me I am her rock & if I did this to her she would be devistated. I since found out they have met over a weekend over here he flew across the world to see my wife for the week end 8 weeks ago, when she comes back to our town in 4 weeks she will be living in another house I have set up for her, we have 2 teen age daughters, the 19yr old seems ok but the 17 yr old is very upset, is it too late for the 180


    1. Shane, it’s not too late, although I fear I may be too late with my reply. I apologise for not replying sooner. If you would like to chat to see if there’s anything I can do to help, let me know. I’ll be happy to talk to you.


  3. Graham,

    Thank you for this.

    I would like to share a personal experience on this matter.

    Three months ago, I broke off relationship with a woman who I love deeply.

    My reason was that she had to move to another state and even though we had done long distance for a significant period of our relationship, the long-distance had caused issues. Deep down, I felt a need to conquer and I had the arrogance and audacity to think that she would be there waiting for me at the end. I even promised her that I would get back with her a few years down the track. And wait she did … for a while. Until she went away and did the 180 itself, which involved a fling with another man.

    And when she came back and said that all bets were off, I felt my world crashing around me.

    So I focused on the things that I had to change and began to reassess everything.

    So for the last 7 weeks I have been showing her my commitment to us through showing her attention, being there for her, flying interstate every weekend to see her and giving thoughtful presents.

    However, I have finally reached a point of impasse where she has told me herself that I have passed the commitment test and she sees and appreciates the maturing process in me and now it is up to her. I have realised that this is a moment to apply those steps outlined above, and these are courses of action that I have arrived at independently. However, the biggest challenge is the uncertainty while she makes her decision – an uncertainty that breeds self-doubt which undermines my discipline.

    So I guess I want to thank you for writing this post – the fact that you have written this gives me affirmation that I am following the right path. That knowledge and affirmation is going to give me the strength to keep going.


    1. Eden

      Thank you so much for sharing, I really appreciate it. I admire the stance you have taken and the maturity you have shown. Now is the time to step back and hold on to your strength and certainty. Let the uncertinty go and just accept being vulnerable. The vulnerability is that you don’t know what she will decide and you can’t decide it for her.

      The importance now is to remain strong and accept whatever decision she comes to, whether you feel it is the right one or not. You are following the right path, one that will bring greater maturity.

      I always remember when my wife once said to me, before we were married, “I can make up my own mind, thank you”. That was a scary moment, I just had to step back and trust that it was OK for me just to be me.

      Best wishes


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