Urmila and I carried out an experiment on Trust In Relationships. She wanted to fully experience the two feminine characteristics of Trusting and Surrendering.
Here I want to look at my perspective and talk about what it meant for me to fully experience trust and surrender from a woman. What are trust relationships?
I see trust as one of the most important feminine characteristics. It is, however, one that only appears when the man proves trustworthy. It starts with the man, as it always does. The man has to show what he is made of, how certain he is and how consistent he is. Only when the woman fully believes him and sees his truth will she start to trust him. Along this road she will, continually, test him to see if she can shake him, to see if she see behind his behaviour. I have written on testing before, and feel that this is the greatest expression of a woman’s love for a man.
When Urmila suggested her working with total trust and surrender during a trip we were making I was anxious to understand what she really meant. We had been having some issues with her accepting my lead and organisation and I felt unsure, occasionally, as to whether this was just about her and control or whether it was also about me. I avoided showing this uncertainty to her, that is not what a man does. I was keen to experiment with this, I wanted her to see how capable and willing I was to lead and support her.
It started out, from my perspective, as a disaster. She seemed to intervene more than usual and destroyed my attempts to guide her through the many challenges with ease and panache. Was this me or was she really just incapable of trusting me and treating me like a man. The next day I got angry and told her how it was destroying me as a man. It’s fine for a man to take the lead and just let what the woman does wash over him. He can show his strength and certainty no matter what she does, but the fact that she won’t trust him eats away at his insides. Eventually, something starts dying. For the relationship to work it is important that both parties are involved and that, as Urmila says, there is polarity. One side is not enough.
Urmila saw what was happening, both to her and me, and started to let go. Once this happened the flow was amazing. It wasn’t that I felt in control, it was that we complemented each other perfectly. We each had a role and we no longer had to think about it and work out what needed to be done. To cross a busy road was easy, I watched the traffic, took her hand and went. She took my hand and trusted. We felt like one being. WE had a trust relationship.
A man needs to feel like this to fully embrace his masculine essence. It’s not enough for him to take it, the woman also needs to give it to him. I see so many examples of couples where this has failed and the relationship has died.
There was a young couple at the station in Kuala Lumpur. She pushed forward with a bound volume of all their tickets and itineraries to seek help from the ticket collector. He hung back looking lost. No trust and not a sign of surrender, only control. I am sure she was good at it, but her man was dying in the process.
There was the elderly couple at O’Hare airport in Chicago. They were, wrongly, in the security line. When they approached the escalator an attendant stopped them and sent them to the check-in line. She lead the way, he almost looked triumphant that she had got it wrong. But where was he? He had long ago given up. It’s what many men do. They get tired of fighting their woman and give up. She, of course, fills the gap and assumes complete control.
Men think the only alternative is domination and abuse. Sometimes they go there, but usually they see that as wrong.
There is a better way and that is to be strong and certain and to help your woman, through your presence, certainty and consistency, to see what is happening. That is not to persuade or plead with her, just show her what works for you and help her to see that a balance is necessary. Show her what polarity means, be a man and help her to trust you.