Session 12: Be The Man

Personal Masculinity, Being Dynamic, Having Variety

This is where all the lessons are pulled together to teach you how to love a woman. It starts with your ‘personal masculinity’, that is the masculinity you create for yourself. It is on this basis that others will see you as a man. Adding being dynamic in yourself, in your life and in your relationship, along with bringing variety into them, will create the edge that makes a difference. It will give you that final brick in the wall.

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Be The Man – Summary

Personal Masculinity

A personal approach to masculinity and male behaviour rejects a single approach to being a man in favour of one that gels with your personality and energy. It is based on the triad of:

  • Awareness: Knowing who you are, what you are, your personality, your core beliefs.
  • Acceptance: Liking who you are, and being in line with your life and your passions.
  • Authenticity: Living the life you identify openly and honestly, shaping it to your ideas.

There is a sense of focus and direction in the way a man who knows himself operates. This sense comes from the strength of his presence and certainty. This is what women see in men and love. It is the knowledge of themselves that creates the power of a man, a quiet, knowing power. He doesn’t need to do anything he just is.

Every man has a particular, different style of masculinity. What they have in common is that they know who they are and what they want; they have awareness, acceptance and authenticity. Be bold in your life, make sure it is one you have chosen and stand by.

Being dynamic

A dynamic person is charismatic. Being dynamic means being characterized by continuous change, activity, or progress. A dynamic person makes a difference in the world; a person who creates change. Many dynamic people change the lives and destinies of millions of people, their work is known to all. There are also those whose work is not so well known, yet they are dynamic because they change the world in their own small way. The magnitude of the work is unimportant, the world is different because you have lived in it. Being dynamic,

  • you are prepared to engage with people. You move and influence them.
  • you communicate effectively. People know what you think.
  • you look out for new ways to connect and move forward in a positive spirit.

Stamina

Having stamina means you will have both physical and mental resistance. Rather than having peaks of energy, people with stamina are able to stay more focused and maintain a steady level of activity. They are able to do more without getting fatigued or losing concentration.

Stamina determines how active you are in your daily life. For many, stamina is elusive. Many feel tired after a hard day at work and feel less energetic at the end of the day.

Successful people seem to have unlimited reserves of stamina! Having stamina is one of the characteristics of a successful person. Having stamina helps them to focus and concentrate. Enthusiastic and energetic people have stamina and can overcome any kind of mental and physical exertions. Stamina improves mental alertness.

To keep a great relationship going, to inspire your partner with your masculinity and dynamism, stamina is essential. Stay excited, keep fit and you will always know how to love a woman, you’ll know how to love your woman.


My Philosophy

I believe that as men we are all born with an in-built masculine essence, we are all masculine men. This is the basic energy that drives us from deep inside. It is the energy that determines the way we feel, and makes us happy. I believe in men with male energy.

During our life we adapt in response to events and life challenges. We do this to survive as human beings. Regardless of the nature of these events and challenges, the intensity with which we experience them shapes us during our lifetime. This adaptation is a result of a basic fear that is rooted deep inside each and every one of us, namely that we are not good enough as we are, and therefore the people that matter most to us in life won’t love us.

This fear is such a strong motivator, that we force ourselves to adapt into whatever we feel will retain that love, in order to prove to our source of love that we are worthy. It works for us in the moment, so we stick to the strategy!

It is through this adaptation that we put our authentic selves to sleep. Part of this is the masculine energy inside us. We shift away from the connection to our inner core, and leave it behind as we perceive it as too dangerous and in many cases too painful to remember.

As we grow into adulthood, this adapted masculinity becomes more confused about the role it plays in our life. There are several reasons for this.

Our fathers, mothers, teachers, peers and the media are very happy to present us with role models of masculinity and, using symbols and archetypes, construct images based on socially accepted rules as anchors for us to grab onto. We unconsciously embrace these ideals and adapt to them.

Following the growth of the strength of women, men were invited to join in household life, and women took on jobs in the workforce. This led to a reversal of roles, and more equality in the relationship. This is often referred to as ‘new’ or ‘integrated’ masculinity perhaps ‘confused’ is more appropriate.

People believed this newfound equality in relationships was the solution to many problems, in their personal life as well as in their relationships. But looking around in today’s western society, it is clear to me that something else is needed. Most people are still not feeling fulfilled. The question is why not? What else do we need?

The answer is that we need to re-awaken those parts of ourselves that are dormant within us and find our own ‘Personal Masculinity’.

Having grown through our personal life experiences to a stage of sharing and equality, men are now ready to clear up the confusion by adding their true core to the mix. This means moving away from society’s and parent’s role models and discovering who we really are at our core. One of the major elements in this is the re-awakening of our own male characteristics.

In re-awakening the dormant parts of ourselves we will become whole, and as we become whole we won’t need people or material goods around us to fill the void inside us anymore. We will be complete and from that completeness we will act and behave differently, as we connect from a place of feeling at ease within ourselves.

From this place of completeness, we will create a new type of relationship with the people around us, as we no longer feel dependent. In an intimate relationship, where a clearly defined masculine essence is present, a strong polarity is created. A polarity that can be missing in a relationship based on equality.

I deliberately move away from the overused ‘masculine’ and seek to define what I see as ‘re-awakened masculine’ men. It is my belief that we need to look at individuals as a whole, and define personal masculinity with the help of certain traits. These traits are a mixture of masculine and feminine qualities, a mixture that we are all composed of to some extent.

To determine the specific combination of masculine and feminine qualities for individuals, I have looked at a range of characteristics of the masculine and the feminine nature. I have chosen six qualities I believe are the most basic to the core masculine and six I believe are most basic to the core feminine.

The six basic qualities of masculine energy are being: Present, Focused, Potent, Dynamic, Grounded and A Leader. Our own mix of qualities that make up our personal masculinity.

The six basic qualities of feminine energy are being: Free, Spontaneous, Intuitive, Sceptical, Accepting and Nurturing.

We often find ourselves in a state of Confused Masculinity. We reject the ‘old masculine paradigm’. We reject the old macho images created by society and our peers. But we become lost as to what to replace them with. Yes, we become open, authentic, honest, but we can stray into a confused state where any sense of masculinity is lost.

We need to look to our personal masculinity, find its strength and compassion and fully live it to regain any sense of ourselves, to fully become Masculine Men.


Be The Man – Worksheet

Set aside time to think through your answers to the questions. They are intended to get you thinking about being a man. Write your answers either in this worksheet or start a journal. Also write your emotional or other reactions.

  1. What do you want masculinity to be for you? Does this relate to you or to men in general? How does this relate to how you have always felt?
  2. To what extent do you match this picture of masculinity? To what extent do you believe you can be ‘Masculine’?
  3. How do you let your view of masculinity be influenced by others? Do you have a sense of who you can be as a man?
  4. How has your view of masculinity, men and yourself changed over the time spent on this course and how would you see it changing in the future?

Be The Man – Exercise (pdf)

This is an exercise similar to the one you did on Core Masculinity. What you now need to do is project yourself forward to the point where you have completed this course and achieved all your objectives. Think about the same masculine and feminine qualities and rate yourself on a scale of 1-5 according to where you expect to be then, where you will be. Now look back to the results from session 3 and note the difference, identify the gap. This gap will identify the qualities you need to work on and whether you want to strengthen or weaken them. As you move forward after this course you may find it helpful to redo this from time to time.

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Masculinity and femininity exist as polar opposites in sexual polarity, it is necessary that they do, but that is between two people. Within a person the situation is far more complex. The concept of six essentially masculine qualities and six essential feminine qualities helps to clarify this. Everyone has access to these qualities and can develop them. People live with they’re own combination of the qualities so that an individual’s masculinity or femininity is a matrix of the extent to which they embody the qualities.

There are six essentially masculine qualities and six essential feminine qualities. Everyone has access to these qualities. You live with your own combination of them, your masculinity is a matrix of the extent to which you embody the qualities.

Do the exercise in relation to where you are now in your masculinity. You will rate yourself against all 12 qualities where you were before embarking on the course. The rating is 1 to 5.

  • 1 = “I feel like I don’t have this quality.”
  • 2 = “I feel I have elements of this quality, but it’s hidden.”
  • 3 = “I feel I have this quality to some extent, but I would like to change it.”
  • 4 = “I feel I have this quality and feel happy with it,”
  • 5 = “I feel I fully embody this quality.”

The masculine qualities are:

  • Grounded: It is be in touch with reality and able to resist pressure and events around you. So there is a solidity to you, you can’t be thrown off. You are what you are. You’re not immovable, but you are not buffeted by the winds of femininity blowing around you.
  • Leadership: A leader is able to provide all his own needs and able to provide the needs of others allowing them to feel safe. This goes beyond physical needs, but it’s about emotional and psychological needs. You know what your needs in life are and fill them. You know your responsibility to others whether they’re you partner, children, employees or colleagues. You’re able to provide for their needs and do what’s necessary to create an appropriate relationship with them.
  • Potent: This is being strong, powerful and fully in charge of your sexuality. The key part is being fully in charge of your sexuality, not letting it take charge of you, as many men do. One of the problems that many men face is the fact that they are not in charge. They let their sexuality take over, that’s where abusive and rape and dominance comes from. This physically harms women, but it also harms the reputation of men.
  • Dynamic: It’s the ability to keep going, to be able to enjoy life, to be full of energy, to have stamina. Alexander the Great crossed the known world in twelve years with forty thousand men. They walked ten thousand miles, they had the stamina to keep going and keep going.
  • Present: It’s being in the moment and completely attentive to the person you’re with or the event you’re at. Its a quality that is loved and sought by women in their men. The ability to be present, to be there, to be focused, to be totally with another person.
  • Focus: To get completely absorbed by the task in hand and not be distracted by what else is happening. It’s the ability to just close in and write, or make, or design, or create, or build, or whatever it is you do. Whatever it is you’re focused, you should be totally absorbed by it.

The feminine qualities are:

  • Free: That means being open and unrestricted, able to be involved in anything and seeking everything. That is so characteristic of woman. They think about everything, all at the same time. Multitasking comes easy to them. They seek to know and be involved in everything. It’s quite frightening for a man to watch.
  • Spontaneous: Spontaneous is the ability to react from the emotion of the situation and make quick assessments. This is where logic seems to disappear. It’s just a reaction, an emotion, an assessment, it just happens.
  • Intuitive: Being intuitive is when you act on an innate sense of what’s happening and are able to know beyond the senses. It’s when you just know what’s happening. Feminine intuition is famous and is so often right. It so often gets the situation perfectly. It’s when a woman seems able to know without knowledge.
  • Sceptical: Being sceptical is when you question others, particularly, those closest to you, looking for certainty. This is the source of feminine testing, where a woman tests you, all the time. A woman tests by questioning because she needs to trust. She needs to trust the person she’s with. She needs to know that it’s going to be safe, that everything’s going to be okay. She needs to know that she can relax and love.
  • Accepting: It’s the ability to accept circumstances once trust is established. A woman is more able to accept a situation, able to conciliate, able to accept different points of view. They don’t feel the requirement to force their point of view on others.
  • Nurturing: That’s caring for others as well as yourself, finding compassion in any situation. This is closely aligned to a woman being a mother, with the need to keep her children, her family, safe and well. There’s a deep need to care and nurture. Many women focus their lives in this area.

All of these characteristics are available to you. They act as a model to help you understand yourself. They don’t specify how to be masculine. They indicate, for you as a man, where masculinity lies.


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Previous: Session 11: Love Your Woman


Session 11: Love Your Woman

Intimacy, Love, Emotional Relationships

This is the other pillar, intimacy. It is the heart of any emotional relationship. It is what provides the balance to the physical aspect. Intimacy is particularly important for a woman, who often seeks intimacy before sex, where a man can seek sex before intimacy. Understanding how to create a balance between the two pillars is vital in learning how to love a woman. This is the core of what we are talking about.

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Love Your Woman – Summary

Intimacy

Intimacy is being close to someone on an emotional level to the point where you feel that you start to merge together. Intimacy is a vulnerable sharing of inner thoughts, feelings, spirit and true self. It’s achieved through listening, empathy or reassurance.

Men find intimacy confusing because they connect intimacy with an emotional state that follows sex. Women mostly connect intimacy with an emotional state that can lead to sex. Sex without intimacy can be very unrewarding, while sex with intimacy can be deeply fulfilling.

According to psychologist John Gopner there are four stages to a relationship breakdown:

  • Conflict, complaints, arguments, differences of opinion, blaming each other.
  • Feelings of contempt for each other that grow as the arguments deepen or disappear.
  • Increasing defensive behavior, preserving identity, feeling threatened by accusations.
  • Breakdown of basic trust between the partners and increasing disengagement.

Prevent breakdown by developing intimacy; learn the language. It enables you to be open with each other, to be honest with each other and develop closeness without boundaries.

Love

Seven simple steps to put into practice every day of your life. Write them down, pin them up and never forget them. Start today as if it was your first day of your relationship:

  • Tell her you love her. Say it so she understands it and has no doubts. Volunteer it.
  • Just love her for herself. You love her just because of her and nothing else.
  • Get to know her. Love can only grow and deepen through understanding.
  • Count your blessings. Things you have together, all you have achieved as a couple.
  • Give love always. The desire to give more than you receive fuels love’s creative force.
  • Pay attention to her. She needs it all the time, notice her attempts to get it.
  • Start afresh each day. Start your day as if it was your first day of your relationship.

Communicating your emotions to your partner will make her feel loved and understood.

Emotional Relationships

In an emotional relationship, two people have such deep feelings for each other that others cannot intervene and disrupt their relationship. With such a bond there is no place for misunderstandings or conflict. The main pillars are truth, honesty and faithfulness.

An emotional affair is when you turn to someone else for your core emotional support. If this is you, fix it by putting by re-investing your emotional energy in your relationship as soon as possible. Stop escaping and deal with issues now, before they lead to a terrible crisis.


Love Your Woman – Worksheet

Set aside time to think through your answers to the questions. They are intended to get you thinking about the level of intimacy you have with your partner. Write your answers either in this worksheet or start a journal. Also write your emotional or other reactions.

  1. Is there any conflict in your relationship? What causes the conflict, is it focused on one area or is it more general?
  2. What steps do you take every day to show your partner you love her? What steps could you take? How could you change the direction of your relationship for the better?
  3. Do you have a female friendship outside of your relationship, does it feel like it’s easier to talk to your friend than your partner? Does your friend seem to understand you in a deeper way than your partner? Do you see any danger signals?
  4. Have you stopped confiding your deepest feelings and concerns in your partner? How long has this been happening? What do you need to do to rectify this situation?


Love Your Woman – Exercise

Intimacy

The key to renewing intimacy is spending time with your partner enjoying each other’s company. This intimate time can be soothing and intense with a partner, because it is both visual and kinesthetic. Intimacy is a state of arousal. It is not a state of sexual arousal but the combination of arousal you can experience with your partner emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically when you focus your energies in combination.

Try this Energetic Intimacy Meditation together with your partner. It is a great balance to the Dark Energy Meditation you did last week.

Lie down together and hold each other, remove as many clothes as you feel comfortable with and lie still and silent. Lie facing each other. Do this for a considerable time, longer than might feel comfortable. Feel the energy, the soul of your partner and monitor your emotions and feelings. Sense each other’s heartbeat, feel their breathing.

Try synchronizing your breathing so that when one is breathing out the other is breathing in. As you lie facing each other feel the energy in your breathe circulate between you. You, the man, breathes it in through your mouth and breathe it out through your genital area. Your partner breathes it in through her genital area and breathes it out through her mouth. Keep cycling this way for a time.

When you start to feel distracted, it’s time to go further.

Deciding which one of you goes first, you’ll place one hand on your partners chest and close your eyes. Your other hand is still connected to theirs while your hand on their heart leads into a new visualization. Picture water around you and let that grow, picturing a huge body of water that you two are floating within. What does your partner’s heart share with you that you need or want to know? Your answer lies within what you ‘see’ in the water you’re floating in. Is it dark and stormy or is it colorful and full of ocean spray? What do you feel and see?

Then swap and let the other try it.

When both of you have finished with this visualization, share what you see and share your experiences with each other. This will help to bring you both into an energetic alignment with each other and it will also help to offer a sanctuary of emotional surrender. With an openness to intimacy, you will be more willing to make the effort to take the time with each other, and explore each others desires openly. The key is to take your time. Appreciate each step, each moment of the process of embrace and keep an open mind to where things will go.

Fears, anxieties and frustrations with yourself and your partner can be released step by step by implementing these exercises, encourage openness and emotional embrace. The sky is the limit! So fly on! And see where this beautiful engagement with each other can lead you. You never know how exquisite your romance can become, even if you’ve been partners for years.


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Previous: Session 10: Have Sexual Polarity

Next: Session 12: Be The Man


Session 10: Have Sexual Polarity

Sex, Polarity, Physical Relationship

Sexual polarity sits as one of the twin pillars at the heart of any relationship. It is a powerful energy that draws two people together and creates excitement in their relationship. It, however, can come to dominate if it becomes the sole source of attraction. You will learn how to develop your physical relationship and how to keep it in context. It is easy for men to focus on this, but it is not the sole focus.

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Have Sexual Polarity – Summary

Sex

Sex is an important bonding component in relationships. If you feel somewhat alienated, sex can restore your bond. Intense sexual attraction is an important bonding element in a relationship. As it develops, the level of sexuality changes. Infrequency can be caused by:

  • Low desire. For men usually low frequency; for women, quality, or rather lack of it.
  • Interfering factors, including anger, time, avoidance and anxiety.
  • Lack of time. Keeping a time chart, instead of agreeing a mix of a variety of sex.
  • Sex must be spontaneous. With our busy lives, what we don’t schedule doesn’t happen.
  • Anxiety, usually around performance. What is ‘normal’ is dictated by the media.

Ten ways to spice up your sex life are:

  • Talk to your spouse more. It lowers your inhibitions. Talk about sex in general.
  • More time on foreplay. Try sexy chat at breakfast, a hot phone call during the day.
  • Get better at oral sex. Use your hands and let your partner express what she prefers.
  • Try new positions. Try a new sexual position and see if you and your partner enjoy it.
  • Climax at the same time. Ask her to signal you, and aim to reach orgasm together.
  • Dress for sex all the time. Wear sexy underwear to feel sexy and a little naughty.
  • Be spontaneous. The bathroom, couch or kitchen table, unexpected sex is exhilarating.
  • Use toys or lubricant to enhance the experience. Discuss what would appeal to both.
  • Indulge in quickies. Next to marathon sex, a great quickie expresses intimate closeness.
  • When in doubt, return to the basics. Stop trying too hard, sometimes basic is best.

Sexual polarity

Polarity is the state and control of masculine and feminine energy. In general, a high masculine energy will attract women, and a high feminine energy will attract men. It is the differences between masculine and feminine that create a strong sexual polarity.

Physical Relationships

Male and female brains operate very differently and our hormones dictate much of our behavior, both physically and emotionally. Michael Gurian’s “What Could He Be Thinking?”:

  • The female brain has 15% more blood flow, more neural pathways and parts light up.
  • Men are more capable of spatial skills, while women are more verbally skilled than men.
  • Men tend to react to a perceived threat with a physical response, while women talk.
  • During sex a woman can bond intensely, while for a man that only occurs during orgasm.
  • Many aggressive, sexual and action-oriented responses in are caused by testosterone.


Have Sexual Polarity – Worksheet

Set aside time to think through your answers to the questions. They are intended to get you thinking about sexuality. Write your answers either in this worksheet or start a journal. Also write your emotional or other reactions.

  1. Are you aware of your sexuality, its power and its inherent force.
  2. Is it part of you or do you feel it’s somehow outside of you?
  3. Do you feel a need to control it in any way or are you happy that it’s just a natural part of your life? Does this control feel natural?
  4. Do you feel relaxed about expressing your sexuality or do you feel inhibited in any way?


Have Sexual Polarity – Exercise

This exercise needs to be conducted with your partner. It is a dark energy meditation that is intended to discover what you feel about each other deep down. It is intended to help you discover what happens when you let go of your inhibitions. Read the description of my experience and then I will explain what to do.

My wife and I experienced something last year that revealed to us previously hidden depths to our relationship. We had started a close and passionate relationship that we both enjoyed. The one aspect, however, that secretly gave us both concern was that we had never experienced the dark side of each other’s nature. There is normally a point in any relationship where you come to experience the dark side of your partner’s nature. Usually when this happens it creates confusion or concern. You discover something that is not in line with how you saw your partner.

Most people never think about this and are shocked when it comes out. Both my wife and I had previous marriages that ended in divorce. We were both married to partners who had addictive natures and we both stayed in our marriages because we thought we could help them solve their addictions. Eventually we both left our marriages only after we realized we were enabling the addictions rather than curing them. Entering into a new relationship we both feared what might be lurking in the other. We didn’t talk about it but we both knew the other’s concerns.

Somehow we knew that we had to experience each other’s dark side, we knew we had to resolve this before we went too deeply into the relationship, we had to find out. But how? How could we be sure we knew if we did find out?

We were in India spending some time at an Ashram. Towards the end of our visit we both, independently, signed up for a three day meditation class. We attended the class and worked with various partners. On the last day the teacher announced that we would do a dark energy meditation, one that would, if we engaged with it, delve the depths of our dark side. We immediately opted to do this together, each sensing that the other felt a sense of excitement and dread about doing it.

The experience transformed our relationship into one of total trust and knowledge. The intention of the meditation was simply to provoke one another and see how far we could go.

We started sitting across from each other initially spending time becoming completely present with each other and tuning out the other people in the room. The meditation was to be energetic and physical. We started to pull faces and make gestures to try and provoke each other. Over a period of 10 to 15 minutes we moved to a form of play fighting. We were feeling each other out, sensing where the other person was and seeing how far we could go.

Eventually the play fighting stopped and we became serious. We were fighting, wrestling, to such an extent that the teacher came over to make sure we were ok. She was concerned about how far we were going. Once she was sure we knew what we were doing she let us carry on. Eventually we collapsed on the ground hugging and laughing. We had broken through a barrier and we both felt truly amazing.

What I need to explain is what happened energetically when we started really fighting. Physically I am larger and stronger than my wife. Physically I knew I could wipe the floor with her if I let go of any restraint. My wife knew this but she didn’t whether I would lose my restraint if she pushed me far enough. Equally she didn’t know if would just bow out in fear of hurting her. For her the latter would be almost as bad as the former.

So she pushed and provoked. She pushed harder and harder to test my reaction. I felt this and saw that she was serious about it. I responded by always topping what she did, but only just. I never let her beat me but I only did enough to ensure she knew I wasn’t going to back down. At one point I threw her on the floor and hurt her, but that didn’t stop her. She realized that I wasn’t going to back down but neither was I going to lose my temper, something she knew had been my habit in the past. In matching her aggression I was also protecting her. I was letting her do what she wanted but making sure she knew she would get it back.

Eventually she gave up, knowing there was no further she could go. I could hold her and stop her and give as good as I got. We were very happy because we discovered each other’s dark side. I knew she would go as far as she could, take what I gave back and not take it personally. She knew I would take whatever she gave me, give her back more but not lose my temper or restraint. I would always remain strong and protect her. I would not back down, I would remain, for her, a man.

None of this was planned or talked about as we did it. We followed our instincts and allowed ourselves to go deep into our dark energy. This was what we wanted. This cleared any doubt between us. It was important to us that this was a physical exercise. It had a deep sexual undertone even though sex did not appear in it. It’s important that you understand how sex can be involved in a physical relationship even when there is no sexual activity.

The meditation is not intended to become physical and you should not do anything to hurt each other in any way. Start by sitting cross-legged on the floor facing each other. Be close enough that you can touch each other. Sit in silence and look at each other for about 5 minutes. Do not move or talk but just focus on each other. Then start make faces at each other, expressions that might provoke or annoy the other. Then move into touch or prodding each other. Be gentle but try to push the other’s buttons, try to annoy them. Do this for about 10 minutes and see where it goes.

The intention is that you access that part of yourself that gets annoyed by others, especially your partner. In turn you want to annoy your partner. You don’t do this to upset her but to provoke her to provoke you, and so on. See where it goes and see how you end up reacting to each other.

Afterwards hug each other and let the energy fade away. Talk about the reactions you each felt and what you thought it meant. Look for the positive messages in the meditation, look for a way to get beyond the annoyance. Find out what each of you would like to see in the others actions and reactions.


Read the following articles to open up your perspective…

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Previous: Session 9: Be Present

Next: Session 11: Love Your Woman


Session 9: Be Present

Presence, Need, Control

You will now look directly at your ability to be with a woman and to renew your relationship. The quality of presence is a crucial one that all women look for in a man. You need to be present with her and hold her in your presence. In doing this, you need to understand what is behind your love. You will look at the conflicting issues of need, desire and control and resolve how they affect you. They are behind much of what we call love, and you need to know where they are in your life.

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Be Present – Summary

Presence

The first type of Presence is being in the moment, being you, being attentive to what your partner is saying and doing, and to her needs and desires. It starts with you, you have to be able to be aware of whether you are present. By being present with yourself, not dominating or passive, you can be honest, vulnerable, open, forthcoming and forthright.

The second type of presence is attracting people’s attention by who you are. The attraction comes from an inner sense of believing in yourself and in your message. With this presence, the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects of your personality spring to the forefront of everything you say and do, through stance, tone, cadence, eye contact, gestures, your honest passion or emotion that is apparent in every word, your ability to make persuasive points, to sustain a clear argument, and the physical delivery of the message

Desire

Desire is to pursue a person or object that represents a feeling in you. What we really want is the sensation and not the object, person or situation itself. Desire and fear are two sides of the same coin, both equally involved in rejecting and escaping from reality. Wherever there is desire, there will be fear, where ever there is fear, there will be the desire to control and longing to possess.

Need

Abraham Maslow says that if our deficiency needs are not met, the individual feels tense and anxious. He organised the human needs in a pyramid, starting with:

  • Physiology. They are the literal requirements for human survival.
  • Safety & Security. They include security, health and well-being.
  • Love and belonging. Feelings of belonging, ability to maintain friendship, intimacy, family.
  • Esteem. All humans have a need to be respected and to have self-esteem and self-respect.
  • Self-actualization. Discovering a person’s full potential and realizing that potential.

A relationship is not meant to fill your need for love and belonging or your need for self-esteem and respect. A relationship works when you have filled those needs and you want to share love and belonging, self-esteem and respect with your partner.

Control

Men classically wield control in the home, thinking it’s their natural right or duty. He imagines that he’s preserving his individuality. He thinks part of the power struggle is not compromising who he is. He may let her think she has the power, but admitting outright that he’s the weaker of the two in his mind is the shameful compromise of a man’s integrity.

Love

If a relationship is based on desire, its life can be limited. If it’s based on need, it can be distorted. If it’s based on control, it will be a constant power battle. But if it’s based on love, it will grow and flourish, as will both partners.


Be Present – Worksheet

Set aside time to think through your answers to the questions. They are intended to get you thinking about need, love, desire and control. Write your answers either in this worksheet or start a journal. Also write your emotional or other reactions.

  1. In your relationships, either current or past, what was the nature of your love? What was the balance between love and desire? Can you see a separation between them?
  2. What needs do you have that are, or were, being fulfilled by your relationships? Do, or did, they get in the way or confuse matters?
  3. How do you control, or at least attempt to control, the world around you? Do you control your family, colleagues or friends?
  4. How do you see the relationship between Need, love, desire and control in your life? How do you think you need to change this?


Be Present – Exercise

This exercise was developed by Richard Moss, from whom I learned it. It is designed to enable you to bring yourself back to the present moment whenever you like.

Stand on your own in a room, make sure there is plenty of space around you.

Where you are standing is now, this is point where the rest of your life begins. Think about yourself in this moment and how you affect everything by how you are now. Stay silent for a moment and let this moment flood over you.

Step forward one step. You are now in the future. Think about the stories you create about the future. How much do you live in the future, how are you affected by it?

But that is in the future. Take a step back to the now. This is the first moment of the rest of your life. You are in the present moment, let the future fade away, let it go.

Step back one step. You are now in the past. Think about the stories you create about the past. How much do you live in the past, how are you affected by it?

But that is in the past. Take step forward to the now. This is the first moment of the rest of your life. You are in the present moment, let the future fade away, let it go.

Take a step to the left. You are now looking at your view of your life. Think about the stories you create about yourself. How much do you live in your stories, how are you affected by them?

But they are only stories. Take a step back to the now. This is the first moment of the rest of your life. You are in the present moment, let the future fade away, let it go.

Take a step to the right. You are now looking at others view of your life. Think about the stories you create about how others see you. How much do you live in the stories others tell about you, how are you affected by them?

But they are only stories. Take a step back to the now. This is the first moment of the rest of your life. You are in the present moment, let the future fade away, let it go.

Whenever you get caught up in the stories you tell yourself about the future, the past, what you think, what others think, just take a step back to the now, this is the first moment of the rest of your life.

Enjoy the moment and feel how much freer you are when when you just focus on the present moment.


Read the following articles to open up your perspective…

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Previous: Session 8: Be A Leader

Next: Session 10: Have Sexual Polarity


Session 8: Be A Leader

Leadership, Influence, Freedom

Being a leader is more than having a title. It is about how you influence and are influenced by others. It is important that you know how others influence you and how you can change that. In your relationship, it is important that your love gives your partner freedom to be herself, freedom to fly and be a woman. When you become a leader, not just in your life, but in your relationship, you will find the answer to the question, “How do I love a woman?”

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Be A Leader – Summary

Leadership

Leadership is a process whereby a person influences others to achieve a common goal. In your relationship, you influence your partner to achieve the common goal of a relationship. Leadership is learned and the skills and knowledge you have is influenced by your beliefs, values, ethics, and character. To be successful, you have to create trust and confidence.

You lead through communication, mostly nonverbal. In your partner’s eyes your leadership is everything you do affecting the relationship and her well-being. The basis of good leadership is honorable character and selfless service to your partner or family. You start by leading yourself first, by understanding your own needs, emotions, and your motivation. Then you learn the needs, emotions and motivation of your partner or your family.

The principles of leadership:

  • Know yourself, seek self-improvement. Understand your attributes.
  • Take responsibility for your actions. When things go wrong, do not blame your partner.
  • Be a good role model. Become the change you want to see, it starts with you.
  • Know your partner and look out for her well-being. Know the importance of caring.
  • Know how to communicate. Know yourself, know your partner, and communicate.

Influence

Two variables determine how much of your thoughts and actions are influenced by the people around you; your consciousness and resilience as an individual and the collective sum of the consciousness of the people you’re with. Your separate spheres of influence overlap and reveal whether you show the same personality at work and with friends.

The consciousness you live in affects the kind of thoughts you have and the actions you take. Spending time with successful, positive-minded people who take responsibility for their lives, assists you to become a proactive individual who shapes his future. If you want a great relationship surround yourself with people who have relationships that work.

Freedom

Surrender means to love without limits, it means to relax your guard so your partner can feel your core, authentic, unhidden and undefended. True surrender is about relaxing through emotional needs and magnifying your desire to give and receive unbounded love.

Women often believe that to have a deep relationship they have to give up their freedom. If they do, something dies inside. A man can change this by changing the meaning of surrender in a relationship to: letting go of resistance and realizing the deep power of who you are.

The ultimate result of surrender is freedom; freedom to be and do what you want. When a man surrenders himself in a relationship he gives his woman complete freedom to be whatever she is and wants to be. This unites the concepts of leadership and freedom; as a man you can expand your relationship to heights beyond your expectations.

Be A Leader – Worksheet

Set aside time to think through your answers to the questions. They are intended to get you thinking about your influences. Write your answers either in this worksheet or start a journal. Also write your emotional or other reactions.

  1. What are the different spheres of influence in your life? List the different areas of your life, the different activities where you are now.
  2. Do these areas overlap or are they kept separate? How do they overlap? How do they influence each other?
  3. How could you integrate these parts of your life? Do you feel you need to be a more integrated person to others?
  4. How do you create a safe environment for others? Do you provide a container for others to flourish and develop, especially your partner?

Be A Leader – Exercise

This is an exercise to identify your core circle of friends, your environment. Write down the answers to the following questions:

  • What kind of person do you want to be? What are the qualities you want to possess?
  • Who are the 5 people you spend the most time with in your life currently? What are they like? What are the top 3 qualities each of them stand for?
  • Do they match who you want to become in the future? Do their qualities match who you want to become? Do they help enable or disable your vision for yourself? Do they elevate you or bring you down?
  • Who are the top 5 people who embody the qualities you desire? They should be people you aspire to become and/or respect in some way or another.
  • How can you increase contact with them, or others like them?

Depending on who the people are, you can use the following methods to reach out to them:

  • Direct contact. This can be via face-to-face contact, telephone or via email/internet.
  • Products or their work. If direct communication does not work out, you can always bring the person to you in the form of his/her works.
  • Visualization. This can be the most powerful method of communication. It can be used in daily life, where you project their persona onto you in your situations and think/act the way you think they will.

What will happen as you increase your contact with these 5 people? If you connect with them every day your consciousness will shifts to a new level. You will find that you start thinking in the same wavelength and start talking about the same topics as them.

By choosing who you spend time with, you are shaping your future. Start by examining the people you spend the most time around. Consider if these people are enabling you towards your envisioned self. If they are not, identify and increase contact with the people who will enable you to become the best person you can be.


Read the following articles to open up your perspective…

Other articles by Sat Purusha:

Other relevant articles:


Previous: Session 7: Understand Women

Next: Session 9: Be Present