Session 7: Understand Women

Understanding Men, Understanding Women, Emotions

The course is now moving beyond looking at you. You are starting the process of understanding women and therefore, understanding your partner. In understanding women, you need to have balance and understand men as well. In doing this, you will look at how men and women process emotions in different ways and understand how you process emotions. Men are reputed to not be emotional beings. Well, trust me, you are an emotional being and if you do not understand it, you need to start understanding and accepting the emotions inside you.

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Understand Women – Summary

Men and women

  • Men and women think differently, accept this; open communication, honesty and the desire to meet your woman’s needs enhances independence and love.
  • Many motivations tend to be gender specific, a man and woman aim to complement each other; women are motivated by security, relationship and communication.
  • Men and women have different unique needs. Women need conversation, non-sexual touch, feeling cherished. Men need sex, respect and air. Focus on her needs, not yours.
  • Our perception of the world comes from our own emotions and needs, you create the world that is inside you, the world does not create you.
  • Men complain about problems because they’re asking for solutions, women complain about problems because they want their problems to be acknowledged but not solved.
  • Men and women score differently: men tend to give 30, 40 points for perceived big acts, women give each love-act one point at a time.
  • If one person feels they have given more than they have received resentment develops. Mutual communication helps to bring things back into balance.
  • Under stress, many men withdraw. They need their brains to focus on something else, allowing them to revisit the problem later with a fresh perspective.
  • Women’s natural reaction is to talk about things, even if it doesn’t solve it. This leads to a natural dynamic.

The Five Love Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman, the key to make your partner feel loved:

  • Words of affirmation. Hearing “I love you” and receiving complements are important.
  • Quality time. Being present with the T.V. off and all chores on standby is critical.
  • Receiving gifts. The effort shows being cared for and prized above what was sacrificed.
  • Acts of Service. Easing the burden of responsibilities by “let me do that for you”.
  • Physical touch. Non-sexual touch (holding hands or hugs) shows concern, care and love.

Emotions

Constantly repressing emotions affects the quality of relationships with others. Every thought or feeling of anger, hurt, depression, anxiety, sadness and shame that you have experienced is held within the cells of your body unless you have consciously allowed yourself to feel, process and release them.


Understand Women – Worksheet

Set aside time to think through your answers to the questions. They are intended to get you thinking about your emotions and their relationship to pain.. Write your answers either in this worksheet or start a journal. Also write your emotional or other reactions.

  1. If you are in pain now, for whatever reason, sit silently and focus into the source of that pain. Allow it to communicate with you and tell you why it is there. What is it trying to get you to understand? If you have no pain, think back to when you had serious pain and go through the same process.
  2. Go deeper and feel what is there that you are not acknowledging. Keep going until you start to discover the emotions inside. What do you learn from seeing them?
  3. When you understand what it is there for, accept and acknowledge the communication, and let the pain go. What can you do to release these emotions? Will awareness be enough for you or do you need to do something more active?
  4. How can you setup a regular practice that will bring these emotions out in when you can deal with them without trauma? Is there a person or a group you can talk to regularly to start opening yourself up?

Understand Women – Exercise

You will need to continue with this exercise over an extended period of time, it can’t be completed in one sitting. It may be helpful to keep a special notebook to record the results. Choose a diary format so you can track the progress of how you connect with your emotions.

The exercise contains a number of ways you can get in touch with your emotions, either do all of them or pick the ones that particularly resonate with you, but do a minimum of three. Record your thoughts and emotions.

  • Listen To Your Thoughts and Daydreams.
    We become so accustomed to thinking in certain patterns that we are no longer aware or conscious about our thoughts and daydreams. 
  • Identify Your ‘Little and Unimportant Hurts’.
    More people walk around saying it’s not important or it doesn’t matter when it is very important and a big piece of hurting emotion is buried within them. 
  • Record What Makes You Feel Strongly.
    Keep an ongoing record of any strong emotions.
  • Memories That Won’t Go Away.
    If you keep remembering situations, hurts that happened some time ago, you are guaranteed to have repressed emotions around this person or situation.
  • Keep a Journal of the Emotions in Your Dreams.
    Keep a notebook by your bedside, jot down your dreams as soon as you begin to waken.
  • Be Specific About The Emotions You Are Experiencing.
    Confusion occurs when people are trying to get to know their emotions because they speak in general terms rather than specific emotions.
  • Are You Using Sex To Release Your Emotions?
    Sex is a normal and healthy part of life. Many people engage in sexual acts, with others, alone, or using pornography, to release emotions buried within them that they have been unable to feel and release. Look at the relationship you have between them.
  • Eating, Drinking, Exercising, or Any Type of Compulsive or Excessive Behavior.
    We often go for weeks, even years acting in a manner that is normal for us – and what is normal for you may not be normal for another person.  Then we will find ourselves overeating, working excessively, drinking daily, engaging in compulsive sex, working long hours, and many other types of compulsive behavior.  Where do you do this?
  • Positive Emotions.
    It is crucial that you identify your positive emotions during these exercises. You are probably very loving, caring, compassionate, trusting, forgiving, generous, many times in each day.  Be certain to include the wonderful and good things about yourself as you identify your emotional self. 

Read the following articles to open up your perspective…

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Previous: Session 6: Live Your Passion

Next: Session 8: Be A Leader


Session 4: Live In Your Power

Power, Strength, Compassion

In ‘Live In Your Power And Strength, Don’t Abuse It’ I show that it is important for a man to live in his power and strength. This is where many men go wrong, but it is where men need to live. It is the strength to own and be yourself and the power to stand up for who and what you are. To be able to fully live there, you need compassion. Compassion is what tempers your power and strength. Compassion eliminates any tendency to become dominant. Balance between strength and compassion is crucial.

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Live In Your Power – Summary (pdf)

Power

Power is a core trait with men and masculinity. Power is about the mental ability to achieve anything you want or desire. Real power is achieved through persuasion and communication. Power is about influencing people, it’s about conviction and character. It comes down to the personal power over things you can control, your decisions, your ideals, your emotions and actions.

There are eight types of approaches to power available to you:

  • Legitimate Power, through position or duties, as a community member, as a father
  • Referent Power, your personal standards and values, your behaviour and role model
  • Expert Power, derived from your skills or expertise, through career and reputation
  • Information Power, knowledge and communication of the information people crave
  • Reward Power, giving others benefits or attention that have significance for them
  • Coercive Power, personal power based on fear, threats or force, could be violent
  • Connection Power, your power comes from being connected to a powerful person
  • Veto Power, the ability to stop something happening or disrupt it in some way

All can be used as well as abused. Four tend to be most effective in influencing people without creating negative effects: Referent, Expert, Information and Legitimate.

Strength

Strength is the state, property, or quality of being strong; the ability to resist attack; the ability to resist strain or stress; the ability to maintain a moral or intellectual position firmly; the capacity for effective action.

Strength is the pursuit of the qualities that show your firmness, your ability or effectiveness of character. It’s built gradually through accomplishing goals.

Strength is about knowing what to do and power is about putting it into action

Compassion

According to Wikipedia compassion is a virtue. One in which the emotional capacities of empathy and sympathy for the suffering of others are regarded as part of love.

Samurai’s bushido code of behavior builds on compassion, kindness, and other qualities not traditionally thought of as masculine, yet they are. The Bushido Code comprises:

  1. Justice. Personal and professional integrity, a sense of working for the greater good
  2. Courage. Courage only exists in integrity. The essential ability to admit mistakes
  3. Kindness. The power to command only while showing compassion and mercy
  4. Politeness. For a man courtesy and good manners are rooted in compassion
  5. Honesty. Honesty involves abstinence and simplicity.
  6. Honour. A sense of honour, personal dignity, and worth characterize the Samurai.
  7. Loyalty. The requirement to remain loyal to those to whom they are indebted.

Live In Your Power – Worksheet (pdf)

Set aside time to think through your answers to the questions. They are intended to get you thinking about power, strength and compassion. Write your answers either in this worksheet or start a journal. Also write your emotional or other reactions.

  1. How Do You Use Your Power And Strength?
  2. Do you think you are a powerful person, or do you succumb to other people’s power? Do you use your strength to get attention?
  3. Do people respect and understand you or do they listen to you because you force them physically, emotionally or psychologically?
  4. Do you feel compassion for others, truly, or do you tolerate them? Do you have ways you can temper your power and strength with compassion, does this happen automatically or do you have to actively control yourself?

Live In Your Power – Exercise (pdf)

Finding Compassion for Others

There are a number of powerful ways of seeing how you are connected to people you resist. In fact, it has been argued that to see something in another that you resist or that bothers you, that same trait must be present in yourself. Seeing this commonality should move you into compassion.

Choose a situation in which you are judging, labeling, or feeling irritated by another person, if that is the case with your partner, she would be ideal.

Write down a description of what this person does that is difficult for you. Be as specific as possible about both the other person’s behavior and your reaction.

Now temporarily suspend your judgments and irritations. Write as if you were the other person. Place yourself in her awareness, describing the behavior that you find irritating. Write in the first person, using “I” statements, speaking as her. Let yourself feel what it is to be her.

Consider how the other person is like you. What aspirations or concerns does she have that are similar to your own? What attachments and aversions might drive her behaviors? What do you have in common? Let yourself sense the commonalities. Find a place of compassion within yourself for the other person.

Practice commonalities. When you meet friends and strangers do the following simple exercise. Do it discreetly and try to do all the steps with the same person. With your attention geared to the other person, tell yourself,

“Just like me, this person is seeking happiness in his/her life.”
“Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life.”
“Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair.”
“Just like me, this person is seeking to fill his/her needs.”
“Just like me, this person is learning about life.”


Read the following articles to open up your perspective…

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Previous: Session 3: Be Grounded

Next: Session 5: A Life of Purpose


Session 6: Live Your Passion

Change, Vision, Passion

‘Change And Live Your Passion’ is the halfway point of the course and at this point, you need to address the question of change to embrace it fully. At some level, you need to change if you are going to receive the benefits the course is offering. The question though, is change to what? This is where you find your vision and your passion. Finding and embracing what you are passionate about in life enables you to build your vision of the future. Your vision should be what drives you, what inspires you.

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Live Your Passion – Summary

Change

Change is something that’s constant in life. There is natural change and conscious change.

A vision gives you a target to move towards; it encapsulates the process of change you’ve built into your life. Your vision allows for creating the change most beneficial to you.

When we feel passionate about our life, our career, our relationship, we are able to change in order to drive our life forwards. Passion is ultimately what drives change by creating a towards movement to fulfilling the objectives identified in our vision.

Change is just the starting price if you want to inspire others. It starts with yourself. If you want to see the world develop and grow, and see action on the problems in this world then change is absolutely essential. Change in and of yourself empowers others.

See yourself, as an inspiration to others, for them to respect, admire and wanting to follow.

Vision

Vision is what draws out the power and passion in you, what makes your life interesting, exciting. It is what moves you on, draws out your creativity, powers your personal growth and development. Vision is about looking forward and deciding how you are going to live.

The greatest gift that you can give yourself is to take a blank canvas and start designing, start creating your vision. You can range far and wide in your pursuit of the ideal; you can go into the macro with over-arching concepts or go into the micro with amazing detail.

A relationship vision is very important, whether you are in a relationship or not.

  • If not: Your relationship vision can contain anything you want, color of hair, size, wealth, spirituality, etc. No matter how detailed, it must be genuine and authentic, representing someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, in love and happiness.
  • If you are: Your relationship vision is about creating an ideal picture of how it will work, how you will relate to each other, how you will spend your time together, your common interests.
  • In both cases: craft it from the positive, present, perspective that you are together and this is how you are living, eg. “At the heart of the relationship will be a deep close friendship.

Passion

Passion is what gives you your fire, passion is what makes life worth living. When you know what drives you, you can truly touch your passion.

It has been shown that the human brain has infinite potential. A more popular myth says that we use no more than 10% of our brain capacity. The truth is that we don’t yet know the limits. Imagine what living to your full potential might mean: not holding back, fully projecting out into the world your emotions, your inspiration, and your passion. Showing the world who or what you are. Embracing change, live your passion and pursue your vision.


Live Your Passion – Worksheet

Set aside time to think through your answers to the questions. They are intended to get you thinking about change. Write your answers either in this worksheet or start a journal. Also write your emotional or other reactions.

  1. Do you find you are looking to change yourself, what you feel, how you react, how you think about yourself? Do you want to do something about the aspects of yourself you don’t like?
  2. What type of person do you want to be? What traits would you like to be remembered for? How do you want to make your mark? Do you have a vision for where you want to go in life?
  3. Get your journal and write the vision for your life. It can be simple bullet points or detailed writing, just commit it to paper. What can you do to spice up your vision?
  4. Do you know what your full potential is? Do you have any sense of what you are capable of in all areas of life? Do you live to that potential or are there areas that you hold back on?

Live Your Passion – Exercise

Modelling involves developing ways of thinking and behaving that mirror the successful approach of another.

No matter what it is you desire to be, do or have, there is someone else out there who has achieved what you want. And if you can model their approach, you will duplicate their success for yourself.

Think of someone you can use as a mentor, whether it’s someone you know or not doesn’t matter.

  • Who is it?
  • What is it about them that attracts you?
  • What did they do that is important?
  • What do they represent for you?

There should be plenty of accessible information about how they achieved success. Work out their mindset and how they faced challenges and opportunities. What critical decisions did they make along their path? What was their positive self talk that helped them through the hard times?

Then act as if you were that person. This will help you manifest your desires. Embody the characteristics of the person you are modelling. Behave this way in your life now, adopt the mindset of that person you want to become.

This works because the body follows where the mind leads. If you struggle at first with this technique, just keep trying. You will know when it is working because positive self talk will become more natural and spontaneous.


Read the following articles to open up your perspective…

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Previous: Session 5: A Life of Purpose

Next: Session 7: Understand Women


Session 3: Be Grounded

Self-Confidence, Being Grounded, Loving Yourself

In ‘Be Grounded and Loving’ you will learn that another essential quality in a man is the ability to be grounded. From the solidity of this grounding comes the ability to love and be loved. Where these collide is in self-love. Your ability to love yourself is a basic requirement for moving forward on this journey. You will work on your self-confidence, allowing you to be able to love yourself and therefore, love others. It is crucial that you get this right and that you understand this process.

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Be Grounded – Summary

Self-Confidence

Your expectations, your choices, values, and beliefs are created by your unconscious mind. If you change your unconscious pattern of thought, you can change the basis of your life. Men seemed to be totally unaware of how they present themselves and how they’re seen by others. There’s a number of very specific issues that show what’s going on. Deal with those and you will change how people perceive you. They include: Clothes, Hair, Stance, Expression, Walk, Tone, Speech, Communication, Body Language, Attitude, Presence, Gratitude.

Being Grounded

It means is that you’re in touch with reality. You are able to resist pressure from those around you. You’re able to be certain in yourself and enable others to feel certain around you. Once you rid yourself of any doubt, you find you can accept all that you are. Look at others only to model them and absorb what is great in them.

Loving Yourself

To love yourself means to accept yourself as you are, and come to terms with those aspects of yourself you cannot change. It means to have self-respect, a positive self-image, and unconditional self-acceptance. It means having a healthy regard for yourself, knowing that you are a worthy human being. It is important to remind yourself that no one is perfect. You have strengths and weaknesses and you possess the resources to work on improving yourself.

You are unique in the specific talents and abilities you have to offer. In order to appreciate yourself is up to you to discover what makes you unique and to go further in developing those talents. You have a responsibility to yourself to do so. You cannot sit around and wait for approval from others. You need to work on accepting yourself. You are the only you you have and it’s in your best interest to be the best you can be.

How do you love yourself?

  • You do so by investing in and working on your personal growth and development.
  • You take care of your body by eating well. Exercise and get plenty of rest.
  • Don’t neglect your spirit or you will lack balance and feel that something is missing.
  • If you don’t love yourself things can happen to restrict your ability to live well.

To be able to truly love someone without attachment or possessiveness, you have to fully accept yourself with all the flaws, mistakes and inadequacies you may have.

But if you just rely on those around you to teach you about love, you fall into a passive way of coming to love yourself. I prefer to use my ability to love myself to show others how to love me. That creates an interaction that grows and builds. Learn to love others so you can learn to love yourself.


Be Grounded – Worksheet

Set aside time to think through your answers to the questions. They are intended to get you thinking about loving yourself. Write your answers either in this worksheet or start a journal. Also write your emotional or other reactions.

  1. Honestly ask the question, do you love yourself? If you are unsure then ask yourself: can you love yourself?
  2. If you answered yes then write down all the ways you love yourself, write down all the things you love about yourself. You can be honest no-one else is going to read this.
  3. If you answered no or aren’t sure then write down all the parts of yourself that get in the way. What is it you aren’t sure of? What don’t you like?
  4. Can you let go of the things that get in the way? What would it take to love yourself? What are the things you could love about yourself?

Be Grounded – Exercise

Write down four things you feel about yourself in each of the following areas:

  • Relationships with Others
  • Day to Day Functioning
  • Personality
  • Appearance

Go back over your answers and look at the extent to which they show strength or weakness.

Re-write your answers bearing in mind the following:

  • Celebrate the strengths you identify in the exercise.
  • Look at weakness from the opposite perspective.
  • Recognise hidden or overlooked talents.
  • Note where weakness specifically occurs and where it doesn’t.
  • Let go of judgements.
  • Eliminate hurtful words that just don’t belong.

Re-write them.

  • Relationships with Others
  • Day to Day Functioning
  • Personality
  • Appearance

Now look at how different the view you see is. Get to know the person you now show yourself to be.

As you go through the course, return to this exercise from time to time and re-do it.


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Previous: Session 2: Understand Your Influences

Next: Session 4: Live In Your Power


Session 2: Understand Your Influences

Your Parents, Your Personalities, Your Attitudes

In ‘Understand Your Influences’ you will discover and learn to understand the influences that have affected your core masculinity. Core masculinity is only what you start with, it changes through your life. Your parents will have exerted the most immediate and basic influence on you. You will come to understand that and learn how it has helped create many different personalities in you. It is important for you to meet those personalities and get to resolve the issues between them. You will look at your attitudes to life, and how they have affected you and your relationships with others.

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Your Influences – Summary

Parents

As a man, your father is important to you. You possibly aspired to be him and determined never to be like him. A boy child tends to copy male figures because he perceives them as similar to him and as powerful. This copying is reinforced by the behavior of his parents towards him.

You love your mother but you also need your mother. Men can confuse comfort with love, they feel this deep need, an emptiness to be filled. They look for their mothers to fill it and as they grow up, subconsciously, they can’t admit this to themselves, so they look for women who are like their mothers, who will fill this need.

Personalities

Conflicting requirements, particularly from parents, create conflicting needs inside you. Conflicting directions, conflicting ideas of what you should be. These can build into conflicting and different personalities within you. There are many different people within you, there are many different personalities. It’s likely that you needed to be different people for your father and your mother. Your parents are individuals with their own demands and pressures. As children you would respond to these in different ways.

Attitudes

You are in charge of your mind and you control everything you do. You make choices for yourself and you should understand where you stand on three major attitudes to life.

  • The first is the concept of towards or away from.
  • The second is looking forwards or backwards.
  • The third is apportioning blame or taking responsibility.

Are you moving towards a vision or are you moving away from where you’ve been? Understanding the essential difference in motivation is key to creating the life you desire. Are you moving towards a vision or are you moving away from something unpleasant or something you don’t like? It’s about whether you focus on pleasure or pain. These are the two core emotions within the depths of your being that drive so much of what you do. Do you seek pleasure or do you seek to avoid pain?

Many people get stuck in the past; constantly reliving what happened to them. Others are constantly looking forwards planning what they are going to do. Neither really seem to focus on now, the present moment; this is the most important time. Changing this could have a powerful effect on your relationship.

The desire to blame is imbedded within our society. It seems that it’s always someone else’s fault. It starts on a wide front with blaming the government and the people we think control us, the military, the corporations, those who hold the money. This comes out in extreme form through the many conspiracy theories around. It finishes in your relationships when you fight your partner, when you blame each other for everything that’s wrong.


Your Influences – Worksheet

Set aside time to think through your answers to the questions. They are intended to get you thinking about your influences. Write your answers either in this worksheet or start a journal. Also write your emotional or other reactions.

  1. Who was your father for you? Was he a hero or a villain? How did he influence you? Who did you have to be for your father? What did you suppress to gain your father’s love?
  2. Who was your mother for you? Was she a comforter or a woman? Did she have a personality, as you saw it, outside of her role as a mother? Who did you have to be for your mother? What did she expect of you? Did you fulfill that or shy away from it?
  3. Think about what you focus on in life. Are you constantly looking at and talking about what has happened, or are you looking to what is going to happen? How much do you focus on the present, this moment. How aware are you of what is going on around you?
  4. What are you holding on to that you blame someone else for? What do you think is happening in your life that is someone else’s fault? How much do you blame other people for your difficulties? How much do you take responsibility for yourself and your life?

Your Influences – Exercise

Having learned to love yourself you will now look at accepting yourself. To do this you need to know who you are and integrate all the different parts of yourself.

You begin by understanding your different personalities. Write down what comes out of this exercise in your journal.

The key to your personalities will come from the worksheet where you look at how you reacted to the influence of your father and your mother. It is likely that you were a different person for each of them, depending on what they were looking for in you. From there look at your life and how you show up in different ways in different situations.

Look at the different roles you play in your life; son, father, brother, husband, employee, employer, leader, sportsman, academic, worker etc. Look at the personalities you employ in these different roles. Look at how you are a different man in each situation.

When you bring together the different personalities from when you grew up with the different personalities you are now, you will build up a profile of who you are, a matrix of what makes you a man. Look at the relative importance of these roles to you and others in your life, look at which roles you play most of the time.

I want you to list the personalities and give them names. Get to know them and get comfortable with them.

Start to understand that these personalities are different people inside you. Go somewhere on your own and talk to the personalities. Talk out loud, have a discussion about who they are, where they came from and why they are here.

Talk to each personality in turn and make sure you fully understand where they came from, what their role is and what their intentions for you are. Resolve any differences between them and you and clear up any conflict. If they don’t serve you any more, let them go with your gratitude.

It may be that they need to talk to each other and resolve differences. It is frequently the case that the roles have differing outcomes that cause conflict within you. These need to be worked out and you should work to align the roles so they all have your best interests at heart.

Get yourself to a point where you feel comfortable with all the parts of yourself. You should know them and understand them. Keep going through this process until you feel that they have all become an integrated whole.

This may need to be an exercise that you come back to in the future, it is rarely possible to resolve all these issues in one session. Start by getting comfortable with the process and learn to enjoy getting to know yourself.


Read the following articles to open up your perspective…

Other articles by Sat Purusha:

Other relevant articles:


Previous: Session 1: Be In Your Core

Next: Session 3: Be Grounded