Accepting: Truth

What is the truth of who I am? Do I know myself at all? Can I accept all the parts of my nature or are there areas which are beyond my comprehension? What is truth?

I show something to another person, looking for a reaction. The other person is confused, does not react but criticises me for not being clear about what it is. I get angry and storm out of the room. What is happening here? Who is doing what? Is there a truth about the situation?

In Buddhist thought there can be seen two truths; Conventional Truth and Ultimate Truth. These are bound up with that elusive Buddhist concept of Emptiness.

Conventional Truth assess the physical reality of a situation or an object. In the case of the event above there is a physical reality of the existence of the two people, the relationship between the two people and the specific situation. That would seem to be fairly simple.

But it becomes necessary to add in the expectations of the two people, the emotional patterns of the two people as well as the energy of their interaction at the time of the event. Now it starts to become more complicated.

The Buddhist concept of Emptiness says that nothing in this event exists in its own right. There is no sense in which we can talk about each person being an independent reality. They both exist in relation to the other and in relation to all the other factors. In themselves they are empty because any meaning you attach to them can only be in relation to the other and to all the factors of the event.

So any sense of Conventional Truth can only be from a personal, biased, standpoint. So it can be seen as a truth at all.

Ultimate Truth is the sense that nothing is actually there at all. There is no independent truth. Ultimate Truth is Universal. There is no way you can view this situation that is true, that is without meaning attached, because there is nothing there.

On an intellectual level I can grasp what is being said here, but on an emotional level, I find it hard.

I know what happened, just as the other person knows what happened. To each person there is a truth behind that knowing. I also know that it is unlikely that the two truths will be the same. If a third person had been there to observe the situation they would have had a different truth again.

I know from my own experience that there is a fierce reality to my truth. I know what happened and would probably find it difficult to accept what either of the other two people saw as truth. This conundrum plagues the police in investigating crimes. This causes cycles of vengeance and wars because people are willing to stand up for their truth, they are willing to fight to the death for it.

I have come to accept that my truth is a personal truth not an ultimate truth. there is no ultimate truth. Nothing can be independently verified because the observer changes the phenomenon. This is not to be confused with the observer effect in Quantum Mechanics but has more to do with the simple effects of cultural interpretation and the fact that any shift in a situation effects people’s interpretation of it—the Hawthorne Effect.

So there is truth and there is no truth. What I have to take on board is that what ever I think is just my interpretation, my reality. To stand up for it, or even die for it, I need to test it against the truths of others.

This can be extremely messy and can not ultimately be carried out with a deep understanding of people, culture, emotions and many other factors.

Accepting: Beyond

Beyond accepting is living! Beyond accepting is flow! Beyond accepting is who I am meant to be and how I am meant to live. How do I move beyond accepting? How do I jump in the river and not drown?

There is a point where I move beyond consciousness of myself to allow the flow of energy to come through me. There is a point where I need to let go of everything that is me and just be a channel. I do this more often than I realise. I allow me to move into the background and a deeper sense of me to come to the fore.

When I am with a coaching client I find that the best results come when I empty my mind and I work on instinct, on what comes to me in the moment. I have, of course, my training and my experience behind me, I do not just do anything that comes to mind, I do, however, focus on what seems right in the moment. I feel the energy of the moment and I feel the energy of the other person. This directs me in the direction I need to go. I let logic go and let my emotions out to play.

A friend of mine who is a very experienced coach was sitting on her bed coaching a client over Skype. She had been working hard and was tired. In the middle of the call she fell asleep while the client was talking and when she woke up the client was still talking. She was not aware of what had happened when she was asleep or how long it had been. At the end of the call she, as usual asked how the client how it had been for her. She replied that it had been the best call she had had! Sometimes the unexpected yields extraordinary results.

“Creativity is the natural order of life. Life is energy: pure creative energy. There is an underlying, in-dwelling creative force infusing all of life—including ourselves.”—Julia Cameron

This openness, this energy, this letting go is about diving in to the flow of creativity. I have always accepted creativity into my life, indeed I have encouraged it.

Creativity is at the core of when I am at my best. Creativity infuses me with strength and energy and allows me to produce work that I could not have imagined on my own.

As a lighting designer I relied on my creativity to produce innovative ideas, and I was not let down. I was responsible for some stunning work that I am proud of.

As I was explaining above when talking about being a coach, my creativity does not come from a vacuum. It comes from the depth of my life and experience. It starts with my interest and fascination with the work of others. As a designer in the theatre my experience was embedded in my work as a theatre electrician. I spent years working with and for more experienced designers learning their techniques and the sources of their inspiration.

I integrated what I learned until it all fused into my own unique technique and method. There were ideas from other designers, ideas from my observation of nature and ideas from places that I did not understand. The ideas came, I put the down onto paper and saw them in reality—on stage. I then judged them visually and discarded the ones that did not work. This seemed like an intense process of natural selection that resulted in my great work.

This happens in my coaching, my broadcasting and in my writing. The more I write, the more I let go when I write, the more inspired I become.

“Creativity is just connecting things. When you ask creative people how they did something, they feel a little guilty because they didn’t really do it, they just saw something. It seemed obvious to them after a while. That’s because they were able to connect experiences they’ve had and synthesize new things.”—Steve Jobs

I agree, except that I do not feel guilty—I just flow.

Accepting: Judgement

I find the question of judgement in myself the most difficult issue to deal with. I find it difficult to accept that I judge others, yet I do. I find it difficult to see the projection of my issues onto others. How can I find my way through this maze?

In my men’s group I found myself getting angry listening to a much younger man talking. He was talking about other men and was telling us what he thought of them. I thought he was being arrogant for continually judging other men while steering clear of talking about himself and his emotions.

It was not until a day or so later that I was able to look at myself, just what I was asking him to do, and see the extent to which I was passing judgement. It was not that I was wrong, or right, it was not that he was wrong, or right, we were in the throws of passing judgement.

“You cannot judge any man beyond your knowledge of him, and how small is your knowledge.”—Kahlil Gibran

Indeed how small is my knowledge and how small was my knowledge of this other man. I was looking at my thoughts, my view. I wanted to know what was in him but I did not want to know his opinions of others.

I was projecting, of course. I was expressing my fear around the question of judgement. My fear of what others will think of me, my fear of being unreasonably critical of others.

In the Al-Anon group I attended many years ago I learned a simple process that helped me get beyond being judgemental—it seems I have forgotten it.

Al-Anon is twelve step group for friends and family of alcoholics. They come together to learn how to deal with having an alcoholic in their lives. The first thing I had to learn was to accept the alcoholic I lived with and let go of judging them. Like others, I went to the group to find out how to ‘cure’ the alcoholic. I was not told I was wrong, I just learned, through hearing the stories of others, that this would not work.

I learned to be non-judgemental in the group by not commenting on the stories of others. We were there to tell our own story and to listen to the stories of others. I came to help others simply by telling my story. They accepted that help by listening. We never judged each other.

This process was critically important because it was about finding that my answer was to let go of my criticism of the alcoholic. I could not change them, I could only change myself.

The classic statement on judgement comes from the Gospel of St Matthew,

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

I know this quote well, I have known it for many years, more than I can remember, but accepting for myself….

I can see its truth for others, but that is not the point.

As the song that Elvis sang says,

“Walk a mile in my shoes
Hey, before you abuse, criticize and accuse
Walk a mile in my shoes”

Accepting: Acceptance

Acceptance is about bringing myself out of the shadows and being open about myself. Awareness has brought all the issues up and helped me to see what is going on, but that is not enough! Now it is time to absorb what I have discovered and make it mine.

I have three areas of acceptance to deal with: accepting my limitations, accepting my shadow, accepting that I am amazing. It is important that I absorb all three into my self equally. It is important that I do no just focus on what is easy and leave the rest until later. It is important that I have a balance between all three areas.

The first area is the easiest one to accept, I think this is probably true for many people. Accept my limitations.

On this journey I have talked about my limitations, such as my club foot. the physical limitations are difficult to ignore, they stick in my face. This does not automatically mean I accept them, but it does make it difficult for me not to.

I have found that the process of drawing them into my life means I can work beyond them. Once I accept their reality they cease to be limitations. They become guideposts for moving forward in my life.

My club foot is a limitation that could easily get in the way of my love of walking. It does not, it ensures that I organise it properly. I need to spend time choosing shoes and working out a plan of growth. If I do not do this it jumps up and cries limitation!

Accepting my shadow is more tricky. Shadows, by their very nature, tend to lurk just out of sight, pretending they do not exist. They jump out and project themselves onto other people I deal with. They put on a guise of being their problems.

There is clearly an issue of awareness here, but even with that sorted out the shadow tries to continue pretending not to exist. It takes a superhuman effort on my part to fully absorb my shadow and not project it any more on others.

“In trying to express only those aspects of ourselves that we believe will guarantee us the acceptance of others, we suppress some of our most valuable and interesting features and sentence ourselves to a life of reenacting the same outworn scripts. Reclaiming the parts of ourselves that we have relegated to the shadow is the most reliable path to actualizing all of our human potential. Once befriended, our shadow becomes a divine map that—when properly read and followed—reconnects us to the life we were meant to live and the people we were meant to be.”—Debbie Ford

I have hinted earlier that the most difficult area to integrate is the area of my brilliance. I am happy for other people to tell me how brilliant I am—and I believe them, at the time—I am just not sure I totally believe it myself.

Several years ago I produced an online course called ‘How To Love A Woman’. I wrote it, video’d it and marketed it. When I first made it available online I made just a few sales. I immediately crashed into a depression, trelling myself that it was no good and that people did not want it. It took some serious talk from Urmila for me to see how great the course was and that what was not working was simply marketing.

I immediately jumped into knocking myself down, thinking that I am not good enough rather than that I am brilliant but need to work on the details.

When I was a lighting designer I was totally happy with my skill as a designer, I knew I was great, but I always needed to work hard on the details to make the design great.

Thinking I am great is dangerous, though, it can lead to arrogance—but surely that is just a limitation…

Aware: Inside

To complete the circle on Awareness I repeat the questions I asked in the beginning: ‘Am I Aware?‘ Do I really know myself? Do I understand myself?

These may seem like a simplistic questions but I know how much I have not acknowledged myself in the past. I know how much I have hidden beneath a facade that I thought would acceptable to others. I want to dig below that facade and find the truth. Of course, that begs the question, ‘What is the truth?’

To answer that question requires daily vigilance and a daily concern for my own well-being. The issue that concerns me most is how to carry out that process of daily vigilance and concern. Doing it for a time is relatively easy, but doing it continuously requires a complete shift of how I see myself and what I do on a daily basis.

I get a journal every year as a Christmas present. My intention, every year, is to write a page a day of my thoughts and my life. I have been on this trail for ten years now. The first year is more or less complete but later years are more empty than complete.

The year starts well and then peters out. There are months of empty pages with occasional bursts of activity. What is stopping me doing such a simple exercise?

I am aware of what is happening but I still have not got to the bottom of it.

I feel a resistance when I am writing in my journal. I love writing and am enjoying writing these daily posts but somehow using a pencil and writing on paper seems to be a different matter. Why?

I do not feel that the resistance is to do with revealing myself, after all I am revealing myself in these posts. Maybe, though, this form of revelation is carefully constructed with a structure I have control over. Writing in the journal is more freeform and has no structure, other than a day a page.

“If you want to write, you need to keep an honest, unpublishable journal that nobody reads, nobody but you.”—Madeleine L’Engle

I read this quote when reading about writers and journals. In the article Maria Popova said,

“Journaling, I believe, is a practice that teaches us better than any other the elusive art of solitude — how to be present with our own selves, bear witness to our experience, and fully inhabit our inner lives.”

That statement makes me want to get back to me journal and be with myself.

Andre Gide said, revealingly,

“A diary is useful during conscious, intentional, and painful spiritual evolutions. Then you want to know where you stand… An intimate diary is interesting especially when it records the awakening of ideas; or the awakening of the senses at puberty; or else when you feel yourself to be dying.”

A fascinating book on this subject is by John Steinbeck, ‘Working Days: The Journals of The Grapes of Wrath’. He wrote this alongside his masterwork ‘The Grapes of Wrath’. In it he talks about the sole substance of genius being the daily act of showing up.

He said,

“In writing, habit seems to be a much stronger force than either willpower or inspiration. Consequently there must be some little quality of fierceness until the habit pattern of a certain number of words is established. There is no possibility, in me at least, of saying, “I’ll do it if I feel like it.” One never feels like awaking day after day. In fact, given the smallest excuse, one will not work at all. The rest is nonsense. Perhaps there are people who can work that way, but I cannot. I must get my words down every day whether they are any good or not.”

I must get words down every day whether they are good or not. Here’s to habit…

Aware: Outside

In talking about turning back on a recent walk I had to deal with my reaction to the potential judgement of others. We are all subject to the judgement of others, whether it is spoken or not. How does my awareness speak to this and how do I rise above it?

Much of my life was influenced by what others thought of me. I had a desperation to fit in, a need for people to think well of me. Behind that I was frightened that people would see through that mask and see the real me. I always felt that who I was and who I portrayed to others were different people. In fact they were, but only because I chose it to be that way.

Before I became aware of this division in me I thought that what other people thought of me was the most important issue to deal with. My life was only worth while if they thought well of me. If they did not think well of me then I was doing something wrong, I was not good enough. Paradoxically, instead of pursuing this and seeking to know what people thought and doing something about it, I shied away, afraid of experiencing their judgement.

I always felt socially inept because I saw judgement in every reaction. I actually thought that people were focused on me and looking at me all the time. I did not work out that most people were like me, they were focused on themselves. The truth was more likely that they did not actually notice me because I did not put myself into their attention.

Many years ago I was at a crossroads in my life. I had been working in lighting design in the theatre and was trying to establish a career in architectural lighting. At that point it was not creative or satisfying and I was wondering where to go in the future. I decided to seek the opinions of those who knew me well in different areas of my life.

I prepared a questionnaire about what they thought I was good at, not good at, what my positive points were and what my negative points were. I was looking to get a rounded outside view of me. It took a great deal of courage for me to go to people and ask them to talk about me in this way.

A lot of people were embarrassed to do this, afraid of upsetting me. Many people responded with great answers, talking about about how amazing I was. there were those who were honest—I am so grateful to them for that—and there were those just thought I was mad.

It proved to be a powerful exercise, if only for the experience of doing it. The picture I got back was pretty much in line with what I thought about myself. It helped me to keep moving forward and achieve great things, creatively, in architectural lighting.

At that time I also went to a clinical psychologist and got him to prepare a report on my strengths and weaknesses and type of career he thought I should pursue. It was an extraordinary feeling having an outsider look at me dispassionately and professionally and provide a written report.

Now I am always interested to hear what people think of me and what I do. I love positive feedback and I am able to receive negative feedback. What is important to me is what I think. Feedback from outside is useful in creating guideposts for my future endeavours, but it is not why I do what I do.

Do let me know what you think, I do pay attention to it, even if I do not do any thing about it…

Aware: Matrix

My self is a matrix, a jumble, of all that I have been talking about. In the same moment I am physical and emotional, intellectual and spiritual. I can never truly pin my life down to any one aspect or any one level of existence. How do I distinguish what to do or how to react in any situation?

Looking at how I climb a mountain I can piece together the matrix of how I evolve and develop moment by moment. Climbing mountains is something I love to do and it is something that stretches me on all levels. It takes skill, self-understanding and awareness of the context to be able to successfully achieve the peak, both of the mountain and of self-understanding.

Yesterday I went out walking with a group of enthusiasts to walk a circular ridge walk here in Spain. It was planned to be a 4 hour walk with a lot of climbing. The first hour was spent walking up the rambla—a dry river bed common in this part of Spain—at a cracking pace. At the top end we were due to start some serious climbing.

At that point I chose to go back down the rambla and go home. I had a great time walking back at my own pace. I enjoyed the surroundings and developed what I call a meditative walking pace.

I chose to go back primarily for physical reasons. My legs were complaining and the muscles were getting sore. I knew the route, having walked it last year, and I knew there was a significant amount of climbing still to come. If you have been reading all of these posts you will know that I am going through a significant change of lifestyle that I have yet to fully integrate. I have not yet fully built up my physical strength.

I understood my physical limitations and decided not to continue.

I had to find my courage to do that. I was with a group and was conscious of the potential for the group to judge me for dropping out. I rose above that and let my emotional reaction go.

I enjoy walking for the ability to be alone in nature and be alone with myself. This may seem like an anti-social reason for doing it but that is alright with me. I did not enjoy the push and the pace to achieve the result.

I decided not to continue.

On another occasion some years ago in another part of Spain I set out to climb Mulhacen, the highest peak in Spain. This time I set off alone excited by the prospect of topping Spain.

It was a tough climb that tested me physically. As I set the pace I was able to keep going and get close to the top. But I stopped before I reached the peak and turned back. This was a difficult decision to make and one that I had to make in relation to my own desire to continue.

Across the valley Urmila was sitting outside the Cortijo—a Spanish cottage— we were staying in, looking across at the mountain. She became concerned when she saw a deep black cloud settle around the top. She knew I was probably somewhere in the midst of it.

For me the black cloud manifested itself as a hailstorm that was sudden and fierce. I was not dressed for this type of weather and I did not have the equipment to brave it. I was so close to the top but decided it was not wise to continue, especially on my own.

I turned back.

I was aware of my own limitations and capabilities. I knew my intentions but was able to balance them against the reality of the situation.

In these situations it easy to blind yourself to your desire or intention but awareness, true awareness, can help you see beyond that.

Aware: Awareness

I have been through the four aspects of my life, Physical, Intellectual, Emotional and Spiritual. As I have demonstrated they all reach their full power when I start with Awareness. This is the gateway to the opening of me heart, mind and soul. How does this awareness fit with ideas of consciousness?

Wikipedia defines self-awareness as “the capacity for introspection and the ability to recognize oneself as an individual separate from the environment and other individuals. It is not to be confused with consciousness. While consciousness is being aware of one’s environment and body and lifestyle, self-awareness is the recognition of that consciousness.”

I have always had consciousness of myself and my environment but the awareness I have developed has set that consciousness in a context that enables me to make sense of it.

There are two systems of thought about awareness, or consciousness, which deserve a mention. They seek to organise our thinking about this subject and they provide good guidelines on how I can understand my own self-awareness.

The first is Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. This sequential list of human needs from the most basic to highest sets a context to help me understand what drives me and why. In order of importance they are Physiological, Safety, Love and Belonging, Esteem, Self-Actualisation and Self-Transcendence.

Physiological

These are the basic needs I have for survival. My physical aspect looks in depth at these needs and how they can best be used to shape my current and future life.

Safety

Going outside of myself I see my need to feel safe in relation to the world at large. I develop ways of relating to others that holds them at bay focuses exclusively on my needs.

Love and Belonging

Starting in childhood I need to relate in a co-operative way with other people to thrive. Once safety is assured I need to develop a connection with others that makes sense of my life. This includes intimate relationships but also spreads wider. Much of my emotional make-up comes from here and from the need for safety..

Esteem

Moving beyond love I need to feel good about myself. Self-esteem and respect are crucial in growing a powerful sense of self. I need to know that I make sense to others as well as to myself. This is central to my understanding of myself intellectually.

Self-Actualisation

Maslow said, “What a man can be, he must be.” As a full frown man I need to exploit my full potential and realise what I am capable of doing and being. This involves looking back at all the previous needs and fully understanding, accepting and living them.

Self-Transcendence

This is a later addition by Maslow. It concerns the deep need to reach a goal outside of myself, as in my spiritual needs. This one is crucial for me and informs much of what I do.

The second system is similar but places more emphasis on a person’s connection to others, to the outside world. It is called Spiral Dynamics. This suggests that we move through a series ways of looking at the world as we mature and grow in understanding. Culture influences and can limit how far we develop and grow through the levels detailed. Colours are used as simple guides to the levels

Beige

This is where people focus on their survival. They do not integrate with the world merely exist in it. The human race was here for tens of thousands of years.

Purple

This is known as a tribal mentality. People band together for safety, security and belonging. Life is all about the good of the group.

Red

This is the level of the power god, the dictator. He uses others for his own ends. Purples, tribes, often end up being forced to obey a power god. This is classically seen in a cult.

Blue

This is again a group mentality where people follow the rules for the group. Religion is a prime example of a grouping which sets out rules for its existence.

Orange

This reverts to the level of an individual. It incorporates autonomy and independence. This is the level of the entrepreneur who seeks for gain and wealth.

Green

Greens are about bonding and harmony. This is back to the group where universal togetherness becomes important. The rules are left behind and connections become important.

Yellow

Back at the individual there is the yellow who believes in the flow of life. He understands complexity and the need for understanding and harmony.

Turquoise

This where as a group life is seen as an integrated whole. Connections through spirituality is essential as we are all part of the one consciousness.

I know I move around the needs and ways of looking at the world. using these systems as guides I can assess where I am on all levels and how I am relating to other people and the world at large.

Spirit: Meditation

The way into my growth and development spiritually is for me to cultivate meditation. This simple act is responsible for so much change in me. What is meditation and how do I go about it?

At the end of a recent interview for a Telesummit on Personal Development for Men I said that a simple thing a man could do after the call would to sit quietly and sense his internal core essence. He could open up a space inside for his masculinity to come through. This is a form of meditation. It is meditation to get in touch with what has been hidden deep inside, with what is trying to break through.

This is easy to say but not so easy to put into action. How do I this? How do I touch my core essence and allow the space for change to appear?

It starts with sitting comfortably. For me this comes from sitting with crossed legs. It has taken me some time to get comfortable in this position, but I now find that it is the easiest way to keep my upper body comfortably erect.

Buddha said,

“The meditator, having gone to the forest, to the shade of a tree, or to an empty building, sits down with legs folded cross-wise, body held erect, and sets mindfulness to the fore. Always mindful, the meditator breathes in, the meditator breathes out.”

I find that concentrating on my breath provides a powerful focus that is always there. It sits alongside the beating of my heart as one of the core rhythms of my body. I listen to my breath coming in. I listen to my breath going out. I feel my abdomen and my chest moving in and out. I fall into the flow of my body, the flow that is always there.

“Mindfulness means maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment. Mindfulness also involves acceptance, meaning that we pay attention to our thoughts and feelings without judging them.” (Greater Good Science Center)

I become aware of my thoughts and I have developed an ability to sit outside them and watch them come in and go out. I relax about the idea of clearing my thoughts preferring to acknowledge that they are there and ask them to leave quietly. I find it impossible to completely clear my mind of thoughts but I am able to sense the space beyond them.

It is in that space that I seek to dig down through the layers in my mind and in my heart. The layers that have accumulated over the years, the layers that I have taken to feel safe and secure. The layers of shame and guilt that have insulated me from the world outside.

I have developed a daily spiritual practice which I seek to do every morning. I do not achieve it enough but I do not criticise myself for that. Each day I start again to grow and develop my meditation practice.

My practice has a simple rhythm which enables me to fully integrate it within my life. It follows this process:

• A short Reading about Meditation.
  This is designed to help me develop ideas about the practice and process.
• Some Pranayama, breathing practice.
  Deep breathing excites my internal energy and wakes up my mind.
• A few rounds of Surya Namaskar.
  This yoga series of poses, Salute to the Sun, stretches me and enlivens my whole body.
• A short Yoga practice.
  A series of stretches that helps me to be loose and comfortable in my meditation.
• A period of Meditation.
  My body is ready to dig deep, my mind is ready to open up and my heart is ready to receive.
• Reading my current Spiritual Book.
  Often my meditation and my reading are in alignment. This grows my practice.

This practice is designed to take no more than an hour. When I follow it my day flows with ease and power, when I do not, I miss it.

Spirit: Source

I took part in a training programme to help me understand how my Source, or Soul, guided me in my life. This was an essential part of me accepting my spiritual development and growing in my ability to live authentically. What did this reveal about my Source and what guidance was I receiving?

I see my trusted source in three ways: as a part of me, ‘My Intuition or Soul‘; as a universal guide, ‘The Universe‘; and as a personal guide, ‘My Spirit‘. This ‘trinity’ work together to guide me and offer advice on what I should do or how I should react in different situations. I am aware of all three and that they are all part of the same Source.

The relationship I have with my Source is based on a number of conditions being met. Meeting these allows me to feel comfortable and in control. This is essential for me to feel able to connect with Source and to trust it. The basic conditions I need to feel are being met are:

• I check in regularly to get guidance from Source.
• I trust that what I hear is from Source.
• I am worthy to hear from Source and will recognise the guidance when it is given.
• I listen to the guidance Source gives and decide what to take action on. Source is happy with that.
• I know Source has my best interests at heart.
• Source provides guidance on my path and my purpose.

These conditions are fairly rigorous and are crucial to the relationship working. The two most important are that I check in regularly to get guidance and that I decide what action I should take,

Source will not take over my life and will not control my life. The guidance is given only if I go and find out what it is. I talked earlier about noticing the signs and becoming aware of what is being offered me. The signs are there all the time but it is up to me to notice them. I am at liberty to go through life my own way, closed off from what help I am being offered. To find and follow my true purpose, though, requires me to pay attention.

Having received the guidance, it is up to me to decide what to do. This is crucial and a central part of the relationship. What I am receiving is guidance not instruction. It is my role to weigh up what I am being told in relation to my life. I make the final judgement on what is important and what is not. I trust Source to have my best interests at heart but only I can be in charge of my life.

One of the first overt communications I received from Source helped to clarify the nature of this relationship. I include it, unedited, to help explain.

Graham: Where is this all leading?

Source: You are now starting to listen to us, having become truly aware that we are here waiting for you. We have been wanting to guide you forward for a long time but you keep shying away, fearful of not being good enough. Now you are letting go and stepping into your power, the power you have had for a long time, the power that is inside you crying to come out. This is leading you into your true purpose, the true purpose that has been waiting for you all these years. Your purpose is to teach, guide and mentor people along their path. You are seeking to work with men at the moment, but that’s just because that’s where you feel comfortable. Your work will go a lot wider than that, but that is in the future. Just rest easy for the time being because everything you desire is coming to you. In fact it is there waiting for you right now, you just need to truly accept it. Let go and flow, be open and free and it will come to you, more than you ever thought possible.