Embers of Illumination — The Book
This is the first draft of a book about A Journey from Loneliness to Aloneness. It was written post by post to develop a view of my life to the present day. In it I seek the answers to unkown questions.
This is a memoir of my life, of my spiritual development. It is a book about how I have grown from loneliness to aloneness.
You are one thing only. You are a Divine Being. An all-powerful Creator. You are a Deity in jeans and a t-shirt, and within you dwells the infinite wisdom of the ages and the sacred creative force of All that is, will be and ever was.
Anthon St. Maarten
Everyone knows about loneliness, but not many understand aloneness. It is the ability to stand on your own, not propped up by others, to be lonely in a crowd or happy on your own. I sought the latter through my life and found through my spiritual growth. I am happy on my own and even happier when with others. The book explores this.
Chapter 1: In The Beginning
My being transcends my inadequate mind and suffers my flailing emotions. My being merges, for the present, with my spirit, my soul.
The story of my physical existence and how my body tried to rule me.
I learned to question my life and not fall back on accepting what it was, to seek something better, something that had a sense of purpose in it.
I will always have inside me the need to control and the tendency to anger, I have dad to thank for that.
I was sitting in my room contemplating a blank future, one I had not been prepared for.
I realise that I am not able to completely throw away what was central to me when I was young, no matter how much I now understand it was wrong.
Chapter 2: Young And Brave
The need to dominate or control shifted into a desire to influence which then, in its turn, became a love of teaching and inspiring.
I had no sense of identity, either in relation to who I was, or who I wanted to be.
I may have been lost but I knew how to dull the ache.
In the decade between the mid-sixties and the mid-seventies I was out in the world enjoying a sense of freedom.
The end of my decade of freedom came when I met a girl and fell in love.
My loneliness ensured my isolation from influences that could have overwhelmed me. I was lonely with a purpose.
Chapter 3: The Family Way
As what I set about developing is passed on to my grandchildren, and as they eventually pass it on to their children, I will see the chain of domination and control being broken.
I have looked, previously, at the shift brought about by a growing family, one that moved my focus from me to the others in my life.
I lived with my fear of responsibility and set about building my personal strength and power behind it.
This period was a crucial turning point in my life and in my understanding of myself. I was unable to help others involved, something that has upset me ever since.
I moved on from my anxieties by appealing to a higher power, by looking beyond myself.
I no longer played small in the world, I allowed my presence to liberate others.
Chapter 4: Fear And Flying
As I move into chapter three and past the halfway point in my story it will be helpful to pause and consider where I am in my journey.
I was at the peak of my creativity and I understood why I had become a lighting designer: I was good at it but it also entered my soul as my life’s work. I look back on it with pride and a sense of satisfaction that I have contributed something significant to the world.
I was moving forward as a designer but here I was becoming a businessman. I was not sure, at this stage, which I got the most out of.
I spent so many years so full of what I was capable of that I never stopped to look at what was going on underneath. I never stopped and looked at the people around me to see what was happening to them.
I now made a choice to live my way without expecting others to live my way. I loved it and came to wonder why it had taken me so long to get here.
Loneliness ceased to exist for me because it merely measured me against other people not against what I could be. I could be with people, or not, that did not matter, what mattered was what I was to myself.
Chapter 5: A New Freedom
My personal quest now entered a void that enabled me to grow and focus on myself and my future.
I was not where I wanted to go yet, but I was back at the beginning and I was living a more authentic life.
What happened was life-changing and life-affirming.
In my travels around the world I travelled inside myself.
I was changing and developing a greater understanding of the big picture. I was starting to see my role in the growing spiritual world I was living in.
The resolution of my personalities is not about will-power or control, it is not about denying myself or resisting what I want, it is about accepting and loving who I really am, it is about living honestly and completing the journey I have been on all my life. This excites me. This is my future.
Chapter 6: The Last Lap
Awareness is the gateway to the opening of my heart, mind and soul. How does this awareness fit with ideas of consciousness?
Acceptance is about bringing myself out of the shadows and being open about myself.
Authenticity is such a hot potato. People have such powerful reactions to any claim to be authentic. What is the issue with this? Why are people so afraid of claims of authenticity? What is authenticity?
I am on my own and I am part of others. In my solitude I live with others and welcome them into my life. They do not make me or complete me.
To connect with the deeper sense in my soul, I need to read the signs that are put in my path by Source.
Aloneness is a state of being that recognises that we are part of the whole of consciousness.