How I live with my emotions and what I need to do, moving forward, to remain authentic to my intentions.
Love and Anger are two emotions that are central to how I live my life. On the one hand love is at the core of my emotional responses. It is either the lack of love, the desire for love or the need for love. On the other anger is such a powerful emotion for me, it has dominated my life and caused untold chaos. The desire, or need, for love is easy to confuse with the play of love in my life.
Personal Masculinity, Being Dynamic, Having Variety
This is where all the lessons are pulled together to teach you how to love a woman. It starts with your ‘personal masculinity’, that is the masculinity you create for yourself. It is on this basis that others will see you as a man. Adding being dynamic in yourself, in your life and in your relationship, along with bringing variety into them, will create the edge that makes a difference. It will give you that final brick in the wall.
Be The Man – Summary
A personal approach to masculinity and male behaviour rejects a single approach to being a man in favour of one that gels with your personality and energy. It is based on the triad of:
Awareness: Knowing who you are, what you are, your personality, your core beliefs.
Acceptance: Liking who you are, and being in line with your life and your passions.
Authenticity: Living the life you identify openly and honestly, shaping it to your ideas.
There is a sense of focus and direction in the way a man who knows himself operates. This sense comes from the strength of his presence and certainty. This is what women see in men and love. It is the knowledge of themselves that creates the power of a man, a quiet, knowing power. He doesn’t need to do anything he just is.
Every man has a particular, different style of masculinity. What they have in common is that they know who they are and what they want; they have awareness, acceptance and authenticity. Be bold in your life, make sure it is one you have chosen and stand by.
A dynamic person is charismatic. Being dynamic means being characterized by continuous change, activity, or progress. A dynamic person makes a difference in the world; a person who creates change. Many dynamic people change the lives and destinies of millions of people, their work is known to all. There are also those whose work is not so well known, yet they are dynamic because they change the world in their own small way. The magnitude of the work is unimportant, the world is different because you have lived in it. Being dynamic,
you are prepared to engage with people. You move and influence them.
you communicate effectively. People know what you think.
you look out for new ways to connect and move forward in a positive spirit.
Having stamina means you will have both physical and mental resistance. Rather than having peaks of energy, people with stamina are able to stay more focused and maintain a steady level of activity. They are able to do more without getting fatigued or losing concentration.
Stamina determines how active you are in your daily life. For many, stamina is elusive. Many feel tired after a hard day at work and feel less energetic at the end of the day.
Successful people seem to have unlimited reserves of stamina! Having stamina is one of the characteristics of a successful person. Having stamina helps them to focus and concentrate. Enthusiastic and energetic people have stamina and can overcome any kind of mental and physical exertions. Stamina improves mental alertness.
To keep a great relationship going, to inspire your partner with your masculinity and dynamism, stamina is essential. Stay excited, keep fit and you will always know how to love a woman, you’ll know how to love your woman.
I believe that as men we are all born with an in-built masculine essence, we are all masculine men. This is the basic energy that drives us from deep inside. It is the energy that determines the way we feel, and makes us happy. I believe in men with male energy.
During our life we adapt in response to events and life challenges. We do this to survive as human beings. Regardless of the nature of these events and challenges, the intensity with which we experience them shapes us during our lifetime. This adaptation is a result of a basic fear that is rooted deep inside each and every one of us, namely that we are not good enough as we are, and therefore the people that matter most to us in life won’t love us.
This fear is such a strong motivator, that we force ourselves to adapt into whatever we feel will retain that love, in order to prove to our source of love that we are worthy. It works for us in the moment, so we stick to the strategy!
It is through this adaptation that we put our authentic selves to sleep. Part of this is the masculine energy inside us. We shift away from the connection to our inner core, and leave it behind as we perceive it as too dangerous and in many cases too painful to remember.
As we grow into adulthood, this adapted masculinity becomes more confused about the role it plays in our life. There are several reasons for this.
Our fathers, mothers, teachers, peers and the media are very happy to present us with role models of masculinity and, using symbols and archetypes, construct images based on socially accepted rules as anchors for us to grab onto. We unconsciously embrace these ideals and adapt to them.
Following the growth of the strength of women, men were invited to join in household life, and women took on jobs in the workforce. This led to a reversal of roles, and more equality in the relationship. This is often referred to as ‘new’ or ‘integrated’ masculinity perhaps ‘confused’ is more appropriate.
People believed this newfound equality in relationships was the solution to many problems, in their personal life as well as in their relationships. But looking around in today’s western society, it is clear to me that something else is needed. Most people are still not feeling fulfilled. The question is why not? What else do we need?
The answer is that we need to re-awaken those parts of ourselves that are dormant within us and find our own ‘Personal Masculinity’.
Having grown through our personal life experiences to a stage of sharing and equality, men are now ready to clear up the confusion by adding their true core to the mix. This means moving away from society’s and parent’s role models and discovering who we really are at our core. One of the major elements in this is the re-awakening of our own male characteristics.
In re-awakening the dormant parts of ourselves we will become whole, and as we become whole we won’t need people or material goods around us to fill the void inside us anymore. We will be complete and from that completeness we will act and behave differently, as we connect from a place of feeling at ease within ourselves.
From this place of completeness, we will create a new type of relationship with the people around us, as we no longer feel dependent. In an intimate relationship, where a clearly defined masculine essence is present, a strong polarity is created. A polarity that can be missing in a relationship based on equality.
I deliberately move away from the overused ‘masculine’ and seek to define what I see as ‘re-awakened masculine’ men. It is my belief that we need to look at individuals as a whole, and define personal masculinity with the help of certain traits. These traits are a mixture of masculine and feminine qualities, a mixture that we are all composed of to some extent.
To determine the specific combination of masculine and feminine qualities for individuals, I have looked at a range of characteristics of the masculine and the feminine nature. I have chosen six qualities I believe are the most basic to the core masculine and six I believe are most basic to the core feminine.
The six basic qualities of masculine energy are being: Present, Focused, Potent, Dynamic, Grounded and A Leader. Our own mix of qualities that make up our personal masculinity.
The six basic qualities of feminine energy are being: Free, Spontaneous, Intuitive, Sceptical, Accepting and Nurturing.
We often find ourselves in a state of Confused Masculinity. We reject the ‘old masculine paradigm’. We reject the old macho images created by society and our peers. But we become lost as to what to replace them with. Yes, we become open, authentic, honest, but we can stray into a confused state where any sense of masculinity is lost.
We need to look to our personal masculinity, find its strength and compassion and fully live it to regain any sense of ourselves, to fully become Masculine Men.
Be The Man – Worksheet
Set aside time to think through your answers to the questions. They are intended to get you thinking about being a man. Write your answers either in this worksheet or start a journal. Also write your emotional or other reactions.
What do you want masculinity to be for you? Does this relate to you or to men in general? How does this relate to how you have always felt?
To what extent do you match this picture of masculinity? To what extent do you believe you can be ‘Masculine’?
How do you let your view of masculinity be influenced by others? Do you have a sense of who you can be as a man?
How has your view of masculinity, men and yourself changed over the time spent on this course and how would you see it changing in the future?
Be The Man – Exercise (pdf)
This is an exercise similar to the one you did on Core Masculinity. What you now need to do is project yourself forward to the point where you have completed this course and achieved all your objectives. Think about the same masculine and feminine qualities and rate yourself on a scale of 1-5 according to where you expect to be then, where you will be. Now look back to the results from session 3 and note the difference, identify the gap. This gap will identify the qualities you need to work on and whether you want to strengthen or weaken them. As you move forward after this course you may find it helpful to redo this from time to time.
Masculinity and femininity exist as polar opposites in sexual polarity, it is necessary that they do, but that is between two people. Within a person the situation is far more complex. The concept of six essentially masculine qualities and six essential feminine qualities helps to clarify this. Everyone has access to these qualities and can develop them. People live with they’re own combination of the qualities so that an individual’s masculinity or femininity is a matrix of the extent to which they embody the qualities.
There are six essentially masculine qualities and six essential feminine qualities. Everyone has access to these qualities. You live with your own combination of them, your masculinity is a matrix of the extent to which you embody the qualities.
Do the exercise in relation to where you are now in your masculinity. You will rate yourself against all 12 qualities where you were before embarking on the course. The rating is 1 to 5.
1 = “I feel like I don’t have this quality.”
2 = “I feel I have elements of this quality, but it’s hidden.”
3 = “I feel I have this quality to some extent, but I would like to change it.”
4 = “I feel I have this quality and feel happy with it,”
5 = “I feel I fully embody this quality.”
The masculine qualities are:
Grounded: It is be in touch with reality and able to resist pressure and events around you. So there is a solidity to you, you can’t be thrown off. You are what you are. You’re not immovable, but you are not buffeted by the winds of femininity blowing around you.
Leadership: A leader is able to provide all his own needs and able to provide the needs of others allowing them to feel safe. This goes beyond physical needs, but it’s about emotional and psychological needs. You know what your needs in life are and fill them. You know your responsibility to others whether they’re you partner, children, employees or colleagues. You’re able to provide for their needs and do what’s necessary to create an appropriate relationship with them.
Potent: This is being strong, powerful and fully in charge of your sexuality. The key part is being fully in charge of your sexuality, not letting it take charge of you, as many men do. One of the problems that many men face is the fact that they are not in charge. They let their sexuality take over, that’s where abusive and rape and dominance comes from. This physically harms women, but it also harms the reputation of men.
Dynamic: It’s the ability to keep going, to be able to enjoy life, to be full of energy, to have stamina. Alexander the Great crossed the known world in twelve years with forty thousand men. They walked ten thousand miles, they had the stamina to keep going and keep going.
Present: It’s being in the moment and completely attentive to the person you’re with or the event you’re at. Its a quality that is loved and sought by women in their men. The ability to be present, to be there, to be focused, to be totally with another person.
Focus: To get completely absorbed by the task in hand and not be distracted by what else is happening. It’s the ability to just close in and write, or make, or design, or create, or build, or whatever it is you do. Whatever it is you’re focused, you should be totally absorbed by it.
The feminine qualities are:
Free: That means being open and unrestricted, able to be involved in anything and seeking everything. That is so characteristic of woman. They think about everything, all at the same time. Multitasking comes easy to them. They seek to know and be involved in everything. It’s quite frightening for a man to watch.
Spontaneous: Spontaneous is the ability to react from the emotion of the situation and make quick assessments. This is where logic seems to disappear. It’s just a reaction, an emotion, an assessment, it just happens.
Intuitive: Being intuitive is when you act on an innate sense of what’s happening and are able to know beyond the senses. It’s when you just know what’s happening. Feminine intuition is famous and is so often right. It so often gets the situation perfectly. It’s when a woman seems able to know without knowledge.
Sceptical: Being sceptical is when you question others, particularly, those closest to you, looking for certainty. This is the source of feminine testing, where a woman tests you, all the time. A woman tests by questioning because she needs to trust. She needs to trust the person she’s with. She needs to know that it’s going to be safe, that everything’s going to be okay. She needs to know that she can relax and love.
Accepting: It’s the ability to accept circumstances once trust is established. A woman is more able to accept a situation, able to conciliate, able to accept different points of view. They don’t feel the requirement to force their point of view on others.
Nurturing: That’s caring for others as well as yourself, finding compassion in any situation. This is closely aligned to a woman being a mother, with the need to keep her children, her family, safe and well. There’s a deep need to care and nurture. Many women focus their lives in this area.
All of these characteristics are available to you. They act as a model to help you understand yourself. They don’t specify how to be masculine. They indicate, for you as a man, where masculinity lies.
Read the following articles to open up your perspective…
I used to regard the life I was leading as a lie. My fear was that people would see me as weak, indecisive and scared. I wonder whether this is typical for men?
According to Tony Robbins we all have a Primary Question. It’s a question we ask ourselves everyday of our lives, one that controls our focus and the direction of our lives. For many years my Primary Question was, “What if I’m found out?” I regarded the life I was leading as a lie, a mask, an attempt to bolster my male power. My fear was being found out by someone, by anyone. My fear was that people would see the real me, the weak, indecisive and scared me.
I coach men who are committed to change in their life.
I offer this programme to enable you to live your life to the full, make your mark in the world and step out as the man you truly are. You are a man who wants to live a passionate, independent life and who wants to integrate your life and your relationship because success. I coach through my knowledge, experience and intuition, I challenge the status quo and I offer unique solutions. I am an expert on relationships, masculinity and the intersection of certainty and vulnerability.
Working with me you will experience a shift in your relationships with colleagues, friends, family and partner. You will experience power in your life and gain control over it. You will live life out loud and be fully present with others. Your friends and family will notice significant change in how you show up as a man. You will stand with confidence, walk tall, be powerful with compassion, and speak your truth.
You will open up possibilities in your life that you had only dreamed of, they will now become realities. You will see the journey you need to make to realise the vision that creates, for you, a journey of passion.
The programme is based on a three step program:
Every human has self awareness and creative imagination. These give us the power to change. —Stephen Covey
What is your personality, what are your core beliefs? How did your upbringing affect you and constrain your development? What are you passionate about and what affects you deeply?
What is the life you are leading now and what are you doing to create it?
How do you see your life?
What is in your inner core? What characteristics were you born with?
What do you feel?
How have you been altered by your life and the people around you?
How have you reacted?
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. —Marianne Williamson
You have to like who you are and want to be that type of person. This is about accepting yourself, who you are and integrating all your parts. This requires openness and honesty.
If you don’t love yourself you can never find a way to love others.
Do you like who you are?
Letting go of your patterns and issues reveals the path to your true self.
Where do you want to go?
Move from your head to your heart and integrate your emotions.
Can you make this journey?
We need to find the courage to say NO to the things and people that are not serving us if we want to rediscover ourselves and live our lives with authenticity. —Barbara de Angelis
Look at how you relate with other people. The intention should be to be yourself so deeply, that there is no difference between how you are to yourself and how you are with others.
It is important to know what you stand for, what you will live or die for.
What’s important to you?
Your life is meant to serve others as well as yourself, you thrive on service.
How are you going to give back?
What is your purpose, are you living it and pursuing it?
Why are you on this journey?
If you would like to talk about this just fill in this form to let me know how best to contact you and what you would like to talk about.
I benefitted hugely from Graham’s coaching: from listening to his experiences of women, learning of his struggles and his successes; to seeing how it all applied to me, in my life.
I FELT his wisdom for myself, whilst in his presence; thus I felt my own wisdom.
And it all came via a series of great conversations where the unknown in both of us was allowed to unfold – where all the work I’d done on myself to do with relationships could be ‘seen’ clearly by me, for the first time!
So I am grateful beyond words for the guidance Graham offered me in our sessions – to being listened to – and the insights into myself I gained. And I’m also grateful I was able to put what I’d discovered into practice more or less straight away, via the beginnings of (what looks like) an incredible relationship with a fabulous woman.
So what, then, did I get from being coached by Graham? Simply to trust myself and the wisdom/feelings I get from my body (rather than my head), and to truly be okay with who I am.
Hey Graham! Thank you so much for the hard work and guidance you put into your course. I am just diving in and really taking my time to absorb your wisdom. I am taking this course because I am tired of tolerating BS with myself, my life, and personal relationships. When I say BS, I mean forgetting what is truly important and valuable in life and ‘losing presence’ in the face of life. I am excited to have the opportunity to gather with a bunch of guys to learn more about being a man in the world and in relationship! Looking forward to the journey. Thank you again.
I have found this challenging, awakening, & frustrating – I can see why some men would not want to embark on this journey, but for myself – despite fear & resistance, I want to be more than I have been expressing myself as up to this point. I want to be a good man, a real man – not just the nice guy average man I became from my upbringing, temperament, & life choices. I think this is wonderful stuff, & I hope it gets out many more guys!
The better you know yourself the more likely you are to do what matters. Study your strengths, know your weaknesses, identify your values, define your success, learn the things that excite and those that terrify you.
It is easy to focus on our weaknesses, or what we perceive as our weaknesses. Do we do enough to focus on our strengths, what we are good at? Do you really know who you are or do you have a picture in your mind of who you think you should be?
How often have you sought the approval of others rather than of yourself? How often have you tried to fit into other people's rules, and found failure? It is time to dance to your own music and succeed.
Everyone has different definitions of success and masculinity. Do not compare yourself to others. You’ll either feel over confident or very disappointed. You are your own set of standards. Sometimes all you need to succeed is the determination to show others what you are capable of. All you need is to have confidence in yourself to fulfil your vision and be happy.
The United States Declaration of Independence says, "... that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and Happiness." But how is that happiness achieved?
Recently I created an online course for men called ‘How To Love A Woman’. The course has had some success but not as much as I expected. In talking to a number of men it seems that the name and the concept did not push their buttons. I have been seeking a focus for the course that men can and will relate to. This needs to have strength to it and it needs to connect with how men achieve love and intimacy with women. In there lies power for men.