Many men and women unconsciously collaborate in maintaining domination by men. One of the factors at the heart of this is men's need to be mothered by women. For the situation to change men need to let go of this need.
Why is it that men continue to allow women to mother them? Why is it that men do not seem to be able to move beyond their childhood? Why is it that so many men refuse to take on the level of maturity needed to let go of this need?
Let go of the necessity of being right. It can take courage to be silent but then you can look yourself in the eye and not flinch.
Some years ago I ran a company along with a business partner. He had founded the company years before and he was proud of what he had achieved. I put money into the company and trusted what he told me. I did not look too deep because I was proud of what the company did and flattered to be asked to join as a director.
With the tragic shooting of schoolchildren in Newtown, Connecticut, we should all look at how we react and take moral responsibility for what happened. If we did this we would find that we could create a new future by adapting to change. The question is what that change should be.
Yesterday as I came out of ‘El Arbol’ supermarket in Mojacar I saw a large, well-dressed, man shouting at an old, badly-dressed beggar. The man was kicking and hitting the beggar. The beggar looked frightened and kept trying to get out of the way. The attacker was shouting that his wife was in tears because the beggar had been rude to her.
After trying to stop the attack, my first reaction was to wonder what might have happened had this been in the US not Spain. Would guns have been involved? Would there have death rather than bruised egos?
I thought about the different way the man and his wife had reacted to what happened. I remembered an exchange on Facebook I had had the previous day in relation to the tragedy at Newtown, Connecticut.
Understanding men is easy, some would argue: you just have to know what men want, that’s all. Why do so many men feel confused about themselves, then? Why is it that most men couldn’t tell you what they want or who they are?
Men are considered to be far less complex than women. A large factor in this is the way their brains are organised. The male brain is compartmentalised: every part works independent of the other. Specific behaviour that has been labelled as masculine results from this, for example being able to do only one thing at a time, or putting focus onto something else as a way letting go, or being in the mood for – and ready for – sex in a matter of seconds.
The first is biological and undeniable; the second is in my character.
To understand myself as a man, I need to look at my behaviour.
In my early 50s, I was the Design Principal of a practice based in London. There were eight of us—four men and four women. The firm was owned and run by men, including me, but the main design leaders were women.
It’s an overwhelming emotion you have about another person, an emotion that you can’t truly explain but you can’t get rid of. It makes you want to be with that person, hold them, touch them, have sex with them. It shows itself as an exchange of energy, a polarity, that excites your soul. Love makes you feel great and totally transforms life.
I love seeing male bonding. I love seeing the way men simply love each other's company without the need to talk or gossip. This is true male intimacy.
On a beautiful Saturday morning by the Sneekermeer in Holland, bright and cold, looking out over the water I see a typical picture of Male Bonding. Two men sitting in a boat fishing. Two men with their backs to each other, not talking but enjoying each other’s company.