Young And Hopeless—I’m Angry At My Father

young hopeless and angry

I know I'm making something out of this life they called nothing. It’s me against this world and I don’t care.

A few years ago I was living in Tilburg, The Netherlands. This is a small town in the middle of the country. The one amazing thing they have is a large pop venue that is a favourite touring venue for punk bands. It is one of the few places in The Netherlands that my son, a punk drummer, has been to. One night I went to see ‘Good Charlotte‘, the US punk band based around the Madden brothers. I had an envigorating, rocking evening, even though I was in my sixties! The song that remains with me from that gig is ‘Young and Hopeless’. It is a personal song that aches with teenage angst and disconnection.

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A Conversation About Men And Relationships

dr vibe show

Join Dr. Vibe and Sat Purusha as they host the discussion 'Men And Relationships'.

I write about health, spirituality and masculinity. I explore what masculinity means in relation to the rest of men’s lives. I love to talk to others about the issues that face men. Dr Vibe invited me to have a discussion on Men and Relationships, to explore how men react in relationships. This seems to be a problem for men who have a reputation for an inability to commit to long-term relationships. Is this true? Do men avoid women for anything other than sex? What is the truth about men and relationships?

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A Conversation About Men And Sexual Abuse

dr vibe show

Join Dr. Vibe and Sat Purusha as they host the discussion 'Men And Sexual Abuse'.

I write about health, spirituality and masculinity. I explore what masculinity means in relation to the rest of men’s lives. As part of my engagement with others interested the areas I write about I had a conversation with Dr Vibe. We looked at the area of sexual abuse, and its significance in the lives of men and in my life. It has become a cause celebre in thge Uk where revelations continue to hit the headlines. Why is this subject si important? What can we doi to change the situation?

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Session 12: Be The Man

Personal Masculinity, Being Dynamic, Having Variety

This is where all the lessons are pulled together to teach you how to love a woman. It starts with your ‘personal masculinity’, that is the masculinity you create for yourself. It is on this basis that others will see you as a man. Adding being dynamic in yourself, in your life and in your relationship, along with bringing variety into them, will create the edge that makes a difference. It will give you that final brick in the wall.

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Be The Man – Summary

Personal Masculinity

A personal approach to masculinity and male behaviour rejects a single approach to being a man in favour of one that gels with your personality and energy. It is based on the triad of:

  • Awareness: Knowing who you are, what you are, your personality, your core beliefs.
  • Acceptance: Liking who you are, and being in line with your life and your passions.
  • Authenticity: Living the life you identify openly and honestly, shaping it to your ideas.

There is a sense of focus and direction in the way a man who knows himself operates. This sense comes from the strength of his presence and certainty. This is what women see in men and love. It is the knowledge of themselves that creates the power of a man, a quiet, knowing power. He doesn’t need to do anything he just is.

Every man has a particular, different style of masculinity. What they have in common is that they know who they are and what they want; they have awareness, acceptance and authenticity. Be bold in your life, make sure it is one you have chosen and stand by.

Being dynamic

A dynamic person is charismatic. Being dynamic means being characterized by continuous change, activity, or progress. A dynamic person makes a difference in the world; a person who creates change. Many dynamic people change the lives and destinies of millions of people, their work is known to all. There are also those whose work is not so well known, yet they are dynamic because they change the world in their own small way. The magnitude of the work is unimportant, the world is different because you have lived in it. Being dynamic,

  • you are prepared to engage with people. You move and influence them.
  • you communicate effectively. People know what you think.
  • you look out for new ways to connect and move forward in a positive spirit.

Stamina

Having stamina means you will have both physical and mental resistance. Rather than having peaks of energy, people with stamina are able to stay more focused and maintain a steady level of activity. They are able to do more without getting fatigued or losing concentration.

Stamina determines how active you are in your daily life. For many, stamina is elusive. Many feel tired after a hard day at work and feel less energetic at the end of the day.

Successful people seem to have unlimited reserves of stamina! Having stamina is one of the characteristics of a successful person. Having stamina helps them to focus and concentrate. Enthusiastic and energetic people have stamina and can overcome any kind of mental and physical exertions. Stamina improves mental alertness.

To keep a great relationship going, to inspire your partner with your masculinity and dynamism, stamina is essential. Stay excited, keep fit and you will always know how to love a woman, you’ll know how to love your woman.


My Philosophy

I believe that as men we are all born with an in-built masculine essence, we are all masculine men. This is the basic energy that drives us from deep inside. It is the energy that determines the way we feel, and makes us happy. I believe in men with male energy.

During our life we adapt in response to events and life challenges. We do this to survive as human beings. Regardless of the nature of these events and challenges, the intensity with which we experience them shapes us during our lifetime. This adaptation is a result of a basic fear that is rooted deep inside each and every one of us, namely that we are not good enough as we are, and therefore the people that matter most to us in life won’t love us.

This fear is such a strong motivator, that we force ourselves to adapt into whatever we feel will retain that love, in order to prove to our source of love that we are worthy. It works for us in the moment, so we stick to the strategy!

It is through this adaptation that we put our authentic selves to sleep. Part of this is the masculine energy inside us. We shift away from the connection to our inner core, and leave it behind as we perceive it as too dangerous and in many cases too painful to remember.

As we grow into adulthood, this adapted masculinity becomes more confused about the role it plays in our life. There are several reasons for this.

Our fathers, mothers, teachers, peers and the media are very happy to present us with role models of masculinity and, using symbols and archetypes, construct images based on socially accepted rules as anchors for us to grab onto. We unconsciously embrace these ideals and adapt to them.

Following the growth of the strength of women, men were invited to join in household life, and women took on jobs in the workforce. This led to a reversal of roles, and more equality in the relationship. This is often referred to as ‘new’ or ‘integrated’ masculinity perhaps ‘confused’ is more appropriate.

People believed this newfound equality in relationships was the solution to many problems, in their personal life as well as in their relationships. But looking around in today’s western society, it is clear to me that something else is needed. Most people are still not feeling fulfilled. The question is why not? What else do we need?

The answer is that we need to re-awaken those parts of ourselves that are dormant within us and find our own ‘Personal Masculinity’.

Having grown through our personal life experiences to a stage of sharing and equality, men are now ready to clear up the confusion by adding their true core to the mix. This means moving away from society’s and parent’s role models and discovering who we really are at our core. One of the major elements in this is the re-awakening of our own male characteristics.

In re-awakening the dormant parts of ourselves we will become whole, and as we become whole we won’t need people or material goods around us to fill the void inside us anymore. We will be complete and from that completeness we will act and behave differently, as we connect from a place of feeling at ease within ourselves.

From this place of completeness, we will create a new type of relationship with the people around us, as we no longer feel dependent. In an intimate relationship, where a clearly defined masculine essence is present, a strong polarity is created. A polarity that can be missing in a relationship based on equality.

I deliberately move away from the overused ‘masculine’ and seek to define what I see as ‘re-awakened masculine’ men. It is my belief that we need to look at individuals as a whole, and define personal masculinity with the help of certain traits. These traits are a mixture of masculine and feminine qualities, a mixture that we are all composed of to some extent.

To determine the specific combination of masculine and feminine qualities for individuals, I have looked at a range of characteristics of the masculine and the feminine nature. I have chosen six qualities I believe are the most basic to the core masculine and six I believe are most basic to the core feminine.

The six basic qualities of masculine energy are being: Present, Focused, Potent, Dynamic, Grounded and A Leader. Our own mix of qualities that make up our personal masculinity.

The six basic qualities of feminine energy are being: Free, Spontaneous, Intuitive, Sceptical, Accepting and Nurturing.

We often find ourselves in a state of Confused Masculinity. We reject the ‘old masculine paradigm’. We reject the old macho images created by society and our peers. But we become lost as to what to replace them with. Yes, we become open, authentic, honest, but we can stray into a confused state where any sense of masculinity is lost.

We need to look to our personal masculinity, find its strength and compassion and fully live it to regain any sense of ourselves, to fully become Masculine Men.


Be The Man – Worksheet

Set aside time to think through your answers to the questions. They are intended to get you thinking about being a man. Write your answers either in this worksheet or start a journal. Also write your emotional or other reactions.

  1. What do you want masculinity to be for you? Does this relate to you or to men in general? How does this relate to how you have always felt?
  2. To what extent do you match this picture of masculinity? To what extent do you believe you can be ‘Masculine’?
  3. How do you let your view of masculinity be influenced by others? Do you have a sense of who you can be as a man?
  4. How has your view of masculinity, men and yourself changed over the time spent on this course and how would you see it changing in the future?

Be The Man – Exercise (pdf)

This is an exercise similar to the one you did on Core Masculinity. What you now need to do is project yourself forward to the point where you have completed this course and achieved all your objectives. Think about the same masculine and feminine qualities and rate yourself on a scale of 1-5 according to where you expect to be then, where you will be. Now look back to the results from session 3 and note the difference, identify the gap. This gap will identify the qualities you need to work on and whether you want to strengthen or weaken them. As you move forward after this course you may find it helpful to redo this from time to time.

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Masculinity and femininity exist as polar opposites in sexual polarity, it is necessary that they do, but that is between two people. Within a person the situation is far more complex. The concept of six essentially masculine qualities and six essential feminine qualities helps to clarify this. Everyone has access to these qualities and can develop them. People live with they’re own combination of the qualities so that an individual’s masculinity or femininity is a matrix of the extent to which they embody the qualities.

There are six essentially masculine qualities and six essential feminine qualities. Everyone has access to these qualities. You live with your own combination of them, your masculinity is a matrix of the extent to which you embody the qualities.

Do the exercise in relation to where you are now in your masculinity. You will rate yourself against all 12 qualities where you were before embarking on the course. The rating is 1 to 5.

  • 1 = “I feel like I don’t have this quality.”
  • 2 = “I feel I have elements of this quality, but it’s hidden.”
  • 3 = “I feel I have this quality to some extent, but I would like to change it.”
  • 4 = “I feel I have this quality and feel happy with it,”
  • 5 = “I feel I fully embody this quality.”

The masculine qualities are:

  • Grounded: It is be in touch with reality and able to resist pressure and events around you. So there is a solidity to you, you can’t be thrown off. You are what you are. You’re not immovable, but you are not buffeted by the winds of femininity blowing around you.
  • Leadership: A leader is able to provide all his own needs and able to provide the needs of others allowing them to feel safe. This goes beyond physical needs, but it’s about emotional and psychological needs. You know what your needs in life are and fill them. You know your responsibility to others whether they’re you partner, children, employees or colleagues. You’re able to provide for their needs and do what’s necessary to create an appropriate relationship with them.
  • Potent: This is being strong, powerful and fully in charge of your sexuality. The key part is being fully in charge of your sexuality, not letting it take charge of you, as many men do. One of the problems that many men face is the fact that they are not in charge. They let their sexuality take over, that’s where abusive and rape and dominance comes from. This physically harms women, but it also harms the reputation of men.
  • Dynamic: It’s the ability to keep going, to be able to enjoy life, to be full of energy, to have stamina. Alexander the Great crossed the known world in twelve years with forty thousand men. They walked ten thousand miles, they had the stamina to keep going and keep going.
  • Present: It’s being in the moment and completely attentive to the person you’re with or the event you’re at. Its a quality that is loved and sought by women in their men. The ability to be present, to be there, to be focused, to be totally with another person.
  • Focus: To get completely absorbed by the task in hand and not be distracted by what else is happening. It’s the ability to just close in and write, or make, or design, or create, or build, or whatever it is you do. Whatever it is you’re focused, you should be totally absorbed by it.

The feminine qualities are:

  • Free: That means being open and unrestricted, able to be involved in anything and seeking everything. That is so characteristic of woman. They think about everything, all at the same time. Multitasking comes easy to them. They seek to know and be involved in everything. It’s quite frightening for a man to watch.
  • Spontaneous: Spontaneous is the ability to react from the emotion of the situation and make quick assessments. This is where logic seems to disappear. It’s just a reaction, an emotion, an assessment, it just happens.
  • Intuitive: Being intuitive is when you act on an innate sense of what’s happening and are able to know beyond the senses. It’s when you just know what’s happening. Feminine intuition is famous and is so often right. It so often gets the situation perfectly. It’s when a woman seems able to know without knowledge.
  • Sceptical: Being sceptical is when you question others, particularly, those closest to you, looking for certainty. This is the source of feminine testing, where a woman tests you, all the time. A woman tests by questioning because she needs to trust. She needs to trust the person she’s with. She needs to know that it’s going to be safe, that everything’s going to be okay. She needs to know that she can relax and love.
  • Accepting: It’s the ability to accept circumstances once trust is established. A woman is more able to accept a situation, able to conciliate, able to accept different points of view. They don’t feel the requirement to force their point of view on others.
  • Nurturing: That’s caring for others as well as yourself, finding compassion in any situation. This is closely aligned to a woman being a mother, with the need to keep her children, her family, safe and well. There’s a deep need to care and nurture. Many women focus their lives in this area.

All of these characteristics are available to you. They act as a model to help you understand yourself. They don’t specify how to be masculine. They indicate, for you as a man, where masculinity lies.


Read the following articles to open up your perspective…

Other articles by Sat Purusha:

Other relevant articles:


Previous: Session 11: Love Your Woman


Session 11: Love Your Woman

Intimacy, Love, Emotional Relationships

This is the other pillar, intimacy. It is the heart of any emotional relationship. It is what provides the balance to the physical aspect. Intimacy is particularly important for a woman, who often seeks intimacy before sex, where a man can seek sex before intimacy. Understanding how to create a balance between the two pillars is vital in learning how to love a woman. This is the core of what we are talking about.

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Love Your Woman – Summary

Intimacy

Intimacy is being close to someone on an emotional level to the point where you feel that you start to merge together. Intimacy is a vulnerable sharing of inner thoughts, feelings, spirit and true self. It’s achieved through listening, empathy or reassurance.

Men find intimacy confusing because they connect intimacy with an emotional state that follows sex. Women mostly connect intimacy with an emotional state that can lead to sex. Sex without intimacy can be very unrewarding, while sex with intimacy can be deeply fulfilling.

According to psychologist John Gopner there are four stages to a relationship breakdown:

  • Conflict, complaints, arguments, differences of opinion, blaming each other.
  • Feelings of contempt for each other that grow as the arguments deepen or disappear.
  • Increasing defensive behavior, preserving identity, feeling threatened by accusations.
  • Breakdown of basic trust between the partners and increasing disengagement.

Prevent breakdown by developing intimacy; learn the language. It enables you to be open with each other, to be honest with each other and develop closeness without boundaries.

Love

Seven simple steps to put into practice every day of your life. Write them down, pin them up and never forget them. Start today as if it was your first day of your relationship:

  • Tell her you love her. Say it so she understands it and has no doubts. Volunteer it.
  • Just love her for herself. You love her just because of her and nothing else.
  • Get to know her. Love can only grow and deepen through understanding.
  • Count your blessings. Things you have together, all you have achieved as a couple.
  • Give love always. The desire to give more than you receive fuels love’s creative force.
  • Pay attention to her. She needs it all the time, notice her attempts to get it.
  • Start afresh each day. Start your day as if it was your first day of your relationship.

Communicating your emotions to your partner will make her feel loved and understood.

Emotional Relationships

In an emotional relationship, two people have such deep feelings for each other that others cannot intervene and disrupt their relationship. With such a bond there is no place for misunderstandings or conflict. The main pillars are truth, honesty and faithfulness.

An emotional affair is when you turn to someone else for your core emotional support. If this is you, fix it by putting by re-investing your emotional energy in your relationship as soon as possible. Stop escaping and deal with issues now, before they lead to a terrible crisis.


Love Your Woman – Worksheet

Set aside time to think through your answers to the questions. They are intended to get you thinking about the level of intimacy you have with your partner. Write your answers either in this worksheet or start a journal. Also write your emotional or other reactions.

  1. Is there any conflict in your relationship? What causes the conflict, is it focused on one area or is it more general?
  2. What steps do you take every day to show your partner you love her? What steps could you take? How could you change the direction of your relationship for the better?
  3. Do you have a female friendship outside of your relationship, does it feel like it’s easier to talk to your friend than your partner? Does your friend seem to understand you in a deeper way than your partner? Do you see any danger signals?
  4. Have you stopped confiding your deepest feelings and concerns in your partner? How long has this been happening? What do you need to do to rectify this situation?


Love Your Woman – Exercise

Intimacy

The key to renewing intimacy is spending time with your partner enjoying each other’s company. This intimate time can be soothing and intense with a partner, because it is both visual and kinesthetic. Intimacy is a state of arousal. It is not a state of sexual arousal but the combination of arousal you can experience with your partner emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically when you focus your energies in combination.

Try this Energetic Intimacy Meditation together with your partner. It is a great balance to the Dark Energy Meditation you did last week.

Lie down together and hold each other, remove as many clothes as you feel comfortable with and lie still and silent. Lie facing each other. Do this for a considerable time, longer than might feel comfortable. Feel the energy, the soul of your partner and monitor your emotions and feelings. Sense each other’s heartbeat, feel their breathing.

Try synchronizing your breathing so that when one is breathing out the other is breathing in. As you lie facing each other feel the energy in your breathe circulate between you. You, the man, breathes it in through your mouth and breathe it out through your genital area. Your partner breathes it in through her genital area and breathes it out through her mouth. Keep cycling this way for a time.

When you start to feel distracted, it’s time to go further.

Deciding which one of you goes first, you’ll place one hand on your partners chest and close your eyes. Your other hand is still connected to theirs while your hand on their heart leads into a new visualization. Picture water around you and let that grow, picturing a huge body of water that you two are floating within. What does your partner’s heart share with you that you need or want to know? Your answer lies within what you ‘see’ in the water you’re floating in. Is it dark and stormy or is it colorful and full of ocean spray? What do you feel and see?

Then swap and let the other try it.

When both of you have finished with this visualization, share what you see and share your experiences with each other. This will help to bring you both into an energetic alignment with each other and it will also help to offer a sanctuary of emotional surrender. With an openness to intimacy, you will be more willing to make the effort to take the time with each other, and explore each others desires openly. The key is to take your time. Appreciate each step, each moment of the process of embrace and keep an open mind to where things will go.

Fears, anxieties and frustrations with yourself and your partner can be released step by step by implementing these exercises, encourage openness and emotional embrace. The sky is the limit! So fly on! And see where this beautiful engagement with each other can lead you. You never know how exquisite your romance can become, even if you’ve been partners for years.


Read the following articles to open up your perspective…

Other articles by Sat Purusha:

Other relevant articles:


Previous: Session 10: Have Sexual Polarity

Next: Session 12: Be The Man