How To Love A Woman – 10 Ways For Men To Love

Men seek comfort, confirmation that they are ok. Most men are, at heart, uncertain about themselves. Men want answers to many questions, an important one is "How to love a woman?"

Do you know what love is? You form a relationship and get married to affirm your place in the world. You learn, you think, how to treat a woman, how to be with her. You call that love. But ultimately it doesn’t seem to work. You wonder where love went.

This is a unique and powerful book. It is a record of a series of conversations with Christopher Howard on masculinity, sex, addiction and relationships. In them both Chris and myself opened ourselves up in a very personal and revealing way. We held nothing back and explored what it is to be men.

Perhaps it was never really love in the first place, perhaps it was an attempt to feel the comfort you found with your mother. A man’s wife, girlfriend or partner is not his mother. The love you need to show her is of a totally different kind. It’s critical that you understand this in learning how to love a woman.


Here are 10 ways to access this love and create an amazing relationship, how to love a woman:

1. Start by loving yourself

If you are unable to love yourself, you are unable to love someone else.

This is something that men, particularly, have trouble with. You might respect yourself, think you are absolutely amazing, but loving yourself, that’s a bit sissy.

No it’s not, it’s the basis of life and the basis of a balanced personality. If you have a troubled relationship you should look, first of all, to yourself, this is often where the trouble lies.

2. Tell her you love her

This is lesson two of how to love a woman. Tell her you love her!

This means saying the words so she completely understands and is in no doubt about it. You love her. She needs you to say this all the time and she needs you to volunteer it, not say it in reply to her questioning.

The worst thing you can say is, “You know I do.” She doesn’t, that’s why she’s asking… Duh…

3. Just love her for herself

Your love is not conditional, it is not based on any special qualities. You love her.

Women have qualities we love in them, perhaps they’re smart, or sexy, or inspirational, or funny, or even rich. This is not why you love her, you love her just because of her, nothing else.

Even though you celebrate everything that she is, even though you worship her for what she does in the world, she needs to know that you simply love her, no matter what. This is so crucial.

4. Live in your power

Whilst a man in love is an emotional being he must not stop being the man he is.

Your love should come from the power inside yourself, from your very soul. The love must be part of your power as a man and it must be part of how you live.

You must remain just who you are, you must be the man she met and fell in love with.

She finds excitement in your masculine strength, particularly when it laced with love. Don’t ever let her down.

5. Don’t live in the past

Never dwell on the past and use it to judge your woman.

Life does not always treat us well and we certainly don’t always treat life well. Things go wrong and we mess up. Strife in our loving relationship is something to let go of once it’s over, it’s something to let slip into the past.

We must learn the lessons and move on ensuring that we don’t go there again. Move on and live, always, in the present.

6. Get to know her

How often do you say, “My wife doesn’t understand me.” What you really mean is, “I don’t understand my wife.”

Love can only grow and deepen through understanding. You can never get to the point where you think you know everything about her, no woman is that simple. She is a complex person that even she doesn’t understand.

You need to love her and get to know her with patience and determination.

7. Count your blessings

Count the blessings you have together, the things you have achieved together, all that you are as a couple.

This should be a regular part of your life together. While I said, above, don’t live in the past, it’s ok to recount the great things in the past. This must be tempered with looking at the amazing things you are going to do in the future.

As a rule of thumb it is advisable to expect a future way beyond one that you can imagine. Expectations can lead to frustration if they limit you, expecting them to go way beyond is a good step into the future.

8. Give love, always

Love is about giving rather than receiving.

Love is a creative force that grows out of the desire to give more than you receive.

It is crucial that you are able to receive the love that is offerred to you otherwise it quickly dies, but you have to focus on the contribution you make to her.

“Give and you shall receive”, but give without expecting anything in return.

9. Pay attention to her

Women need attention all the time.

It is absolutely vital that you understand this. Many of the annoying habits that women have are merely attempts to get your attention. Take heed of them and pay attention.

Men are focused and directed and can easily lose themselves in what they are doing. This is one of the qualities that many women love in their men, but not to the exclusion of them.

You need to find a balance that shows how important your woman is to you without losing your passion for your mission.

10. Start afresh each day

Start again as if it was the first day of the relationship.

Welcome her into your world and look forward to your day together. Give her your love and tell her you love her. Do it again in a different way and repeat. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you where to go from here.

This refreshing of your love will keep it alive and bring you closer to each other. Through this your love will deepen and become an essential part of everyday you spend together.


So what is love… really?

It’s an overwhelming emotion you have about another person, an emotion that you can’t truly explain but you can’t get rid of.

It makes you want to be with that person, hold them, touch them, have sex with them. It shows itself as an exchange of energy, a polarity, that excites your soul.

Love makes you feel great and totally transforms life. Love is worship of the other person, the woman who is divine for you.

Love is the power house behind our lives, it is the reason we live.

  • Do you love yourself?
  • Do you live in your power?
  • Do you start afresh with your woman – every day?

Read the following articles to open up your perspective…

Other articles by Graham Reid Phoenix:

Be The Man Your Woman will Love
How To Love Yourself — The Key to your Amazing Future

Other relevant articles:

21 Things Every Person Who Loves A Woman Should Know
13 Qualities A Woman Has That Make You Love Her Forever

Image Credit: Flickr/Jan (Creative Commons)


  1. hi every body….
    sir i l0ve a girl a l0t,but she never gave me full attention,she never give me full answer of my Questions…
    she contacet me few and for beteen …like after 3,or 4 years…
    is she love me 0r not?????i’m totoley confused!

  2. Joseph says:

    Am texting from Nigeria.

    Am in love with this girl whom I have dated for two months now. My first lover precisely.

    I noticed that communication reduced drastically after our final examinations as she finds it difficult to pick my calls and when she picks, she doesn’t reply with cheerfulness.

    Please, does she really loves me?
    My keeps telling me that I have lost her but am afraid to accept that cause I love her so much.


  3. Kimmer says:

    Hi Graham,
    While I enjoyed reading your article, there are a couple of points you made which are a bit “off”:

    “6. Get to know her

    How often do you say, “My wife doesn’t understand me.” What you really mean is, “I don’t understand my wife.”

    Love can only grow and deepen through understanding. You can never get to the point where you think you know everything about her, no woman is that simple. She is a complex person that even she doesn’t understand.

    You need to love her and get to know her with patience and determination.”

    ***While it’s true that we women are complex, saying that we don’t even understand ourselves is simply mistaken. Women tend to be introspective. With that quality, we are oftentimes checking our hearts & feelings, analyzing them to figure out what’s driving a certain reaction or feeling.

    “9. Pay attention to her

    Women need attention all the time.

    It is absolutely vital that you understand this. Many of the annoying habits that women have are merely attempts to get your attention. Take heed of them and pay attention.”

    **We don’t need attention “all the time”. As a matter of fact, if a man is constantly hanging on me to the exclusion of all else, it starts to feel stifling. You’re correct in that a man needs to find a balance – which he’ll learn – if he keeps the lines of communication open.

    Guys, here’s some things that are very important to us women:
    1. Be loving (holding hands, cuddling, etc.)
    2. BE HONEST!! If you do something she may not like, do NOT cover it up with a lie. This only leads to mistrust. If we can’t trust you, we won’t truly love you deeply. Mind games have no place in a loving relationship.
    3. Be dependable. Be there when you say you will, barring unforeseen circumstances
    4. Don’t make promises you can’t or won’t keep (see #2).
    5. Be faithful, which means no messing around, checking out other women when you’re together, or watching porn. All of this will undermine your woman’s self-esteem and your relationship will turn bad quickly.
    6. Empathize. Truly try to put yourself in her shoes.

    Hope this helps those of you struggling with questions & or pain.

    • Shane Galindo says:

      Mr Phoenix I love a girl I always look at her I don’t know what to say, her name is Sicily D’Angelo she’s Indian Mexican and Italion I’m Native American and Mexican so I want to be mature thank you.

  4. raynel says:

    The is this girl whom I used to love her with all my heart but to her it seems nothing coz sometimes she just avoid my calls so I don’t know what to do please advice me with something please am worried.

  5. jan says:

    From my over fifty years experience with love,and loving,communication is the most important,and significant ingredient in a properly functional relationship!

  6. Alaku says:

    I’m really inspire by d writer about dis love’s informative and educative in all ramification.honestly, i learn alot from dis love concept.

  7. DIANA says:

    I love this guy who I’ve been dating for 5 months now. He says he loves me only when I say I love him. The other day he told me he was in love with me only because i asked him how he felt about me. We see each other once a week maybe even once in 2 weeks. We rarely spend enough time together and this really bothers me. He shows no emotions or empathy towards me. When I ask to spend more time with him he tells me I am miserable. I honestly don’t know what to do. He left on a trip for one week. Today is day 2 and I haven’t heard from him. I really need a males perspective of what’s going on.

    • Doug says:

      He maylove u, but mite not b in love with u.also,some men have a problem expressing outward affection. Men are direct creatures and women tend to use indirect methods of communication that we,(the less intelligent of the genders), tend to b oblivious to. Be direct and let him know how u feel and what u want from him and let him know that u I want to b happy, whether it’s with him, or without him. If he values u, he will him but know ur value, and be prepared to do what u have to.what u accept is what u teach.

  8. Sandipan Biswas says:

    Yeah,I agree with your’s opinion.
    But I’m suffering in an other problem.
    She has (Shreyasi Nag) loved me before somedays,but now She’s saying that she hates me.& she loves to other.But honestly I love her.For her,my love is eternal.Even I also belive that she must come back.
    But now I’m unable to wait,just I love her.I want to get back her love.
    I cannot live without her love.
    Please help me to over come my problem.I want her forever.

    • Doug says:

      A woman’s live is not A flag or a rag u can play yuh of war for. If she loves u she will see no one else but u.literally. there are statistically more women in this planet than men.thete is a beautiful woman out there looking for a man to love her exactly the way u kno how to love. Just keep looking my friend. Don’t punish urself chasing something that was never ment for u.

  9. LALAISON says:

    dey s dis gal dat i love so much, i tol her but she is still doing me some how i.e by accepting as just frnds so what do i i do

    • Doug says:

      Find some one else. There are too many women out there for there not to b one exactly perfect for u. If she loves u u will kno without a doubt.

  10. Moses Dora says:

    Hi Graham, I love my boyfriend so much, we have been dating for 5 Months and he want us to get married, but the problem is that he always get angry at everything I do and never appreciate my effort, and sometimes he abuses my physical look that am too short which make me feel depressed all the time , his feelings fluctuate his not even sure if he is really inlove, I gave up so many times , am tired and confused I don’t know what to do, please advice me

    • Sachin says:

      Hey, Dora. I was in a relationship before. I used to love the girl a lot. So much that I felt like I’m never gonna fall in love with someone else if she leaves me. We broke up. The reason she gave me was that she had some family issues. Not even one month later she was in a relationship with another guy. Later I came to know that she wanted to be with him even while she was with me. I had my first kiss with her. I always wished that I get married to the girl with whom I share my first kiss. I was shattered, destroyed and everything else that defines a depressed person. I thought that I would never fall in love again. I planned to just adopt a kid and not marry anyone when I grow up.(Yep. That sounds really childish for a 17 year old guy). After 6 or 7 months I met another girl. Her eyes made me fall in love with her. She’s my cousin’s friend. I didn’t tell her anything but I just respect her for making me realize that “True Love Happens Only Once In Life Time” is a complete lie! You see, Dora, we humans need love. We don’t get love from one person we search for love from someone else. The point is: If he doesn’t respect you for the body that you’re in then he definitely doesn’t love your heart. Get rid of him. Give yourself a good break. Go out with your girls. Embrace the single life. Spoil yourself. Fall in love with someone who treats you and loves you like you should be.

  11. ethan allen says:

    Hey mister and all of you. I really need your help. i really dont know what to do with my girl. We are in a relationship right now and because of her past, i dont understand what i really felt for her now. i love her but i feel like she doesnt deserve me. yes im kinda insecure but she loves me more than i love her. But the problem here is that, i cant love her fully, because it feels like i dont really deserves her. but it breaks my heart not being with her. i mean i dont understand. urrrrrrrrggghhh please give me some tips 🙁 im desperate. Thanks

    • Wolf says:

      If someone loves you and you don’t return the love that is something within you it has nothing to do with that girl. What she did before you and her past is none of your business maybe something in your past happened to you and you keep nitpicking things about people to tear them apart so you don’t have to commit to a relationship. Either way if you don’t feel like you love her then let her go but don’t ever say nobody deserves you somebody deserves you it just depends on who you’re going to allowed to do that

    • Sachin says:

      Hey, Ethan. Sorry for such a late reply. I hope you and your girl are still together. And if you are and you’re still having problems about your girl then I gotta say that you have to forget about her past man. There was a time when I came into a relationship with a girl that I loved. When we were just friends I asked her if she’s ever been in a relationship before and she said no. After some time in the relationship she said that she was with someone else before. When she was with him I used to “sweet talk” to her a lot like couples do and she used to blush and everything but she never told me anything about that guy. Now don’t get me wrong here. She didn’t leave him for me. To be honest, that guy looks better than me. She left him because of some other issues. Before breaking the news to me she asked me not to be angry. And when she told me about it, it had zero effect on me. I was like, “You were worried about THIS?” to which she said, “You’re not mad at me!? I kept you in the dark for so long!”. I said that I was proud about the fact that I didn’t hear it from someone else, but directly from her. She started respecting me more than ever before. And we trust each other. That’s what you gotta do. It’s the “now” that matters. Her past shouldn’t have any effect on your love for her. You know that, if you leave her, at some point of time there will be some man who will accept her along with her past. Why can’t YOU be that man!? I hope this helps if the problem is still there. If you’ve broken up for that reason and both are still single, I think you should make all possible efforts to get her back. Don’t let anyone else grab her hand if you really love her.

  12. Kamurasi Charles says:

    I’m in a relationship with a lady who is older than me two years. I took mi some time to believe her because it was her who made da first move.afterwards we started seeing each other she made mi feel loved and I also loved her back after some time she had issues with work then our relationship has started to bore she nolonger want to give me the time she used to give me.need ur help because I want her back.because I don’t want to fall in love again with any person. Thnxs

  13. Shawon Isaac Terkimbi says:

    I am glad with what I read on this site. I fall in love with a girl 2013 and this lady was fiftheen years old and I was eighteen by then but our togetherness continued till date 2015. Our relationship is strickly platonic right from time and I been trying my best to keep her and reading these articles that I found on this page; I know that I will improve my love for her even though I am facing so many challenges but believing GOD I know that I will make it with her.

  14. SHERMA ADAMS says:


    • Anonymous says:

      Just leave him. If he doesn’t respect you or do anything for you then leave. The only thing he is giving you is the opportunity to find someone better than him

  15. Oohlalah says:

    Hello. Thank you for this article. I’m glad I found this site. My bf has intimacy issues & it has affected our relationship for 5 years. He calls women Bs & thinks he shouldn’t have to do anything for me (because I work too), but has asked me for $, favors & help! He’s also selfish, brags about himself constantly & never keeps his promises. He is also verbally abusive at times & has accused me of cheating on him. At those times when he’s accused me, he has gone on dates with other women & sent me their pics. I should have said that he was my EX bf because he now is! This site has opened my eyes to how I should be treated as a woman & expect nothing less!

    • Wilko says:

      That’s terrible !! I’m appalled a man has the arrogance to act that way to you for 1 day never mind 5 years. I really feel your pain

    • Bryan says:

      Oohlalah…I was in tears reading this. You deserve so much better! What a dreadful way to be treated. I’m a man and cannot understand for the life of me why some “men” treat women this way. I hope you find somebody who treats you like the beautiful, amazing woman you are and who appreciates you for blessing every moment he’s with you. Good luck! X.

  16. yogarajah says:

    Hi sir…I love my girl so much…i propose my love to her via sms…no reply…even I hv her hp number…i got cal her too…didnt answer…every day I txt her something without any reply…still like one side love sir…i dont know what to do now…plz help me sir…

  17. Jesse Omega says:

    Hey Graham….
    i love my girl so much dat she always asks why i really love i have to explain it? its pretty amazing to discover how i can love someone.

  18. Will says:

    I think an indication of love is if you do the things you have to do in order to make the relationship work, and this has to be consistent. Not everything in your life has to be consistent, but this does, that you always communicate what you need to communicate, what’s recurring in your mind. That you always do what she needs, not necessarily what she says she wants, (although you better pay attention to that too). This happens from your own filters, and what you see that she needs, not what she says, because you can’t trust that, unfortunately. But you have to explain what you see that she needs, for guidance, or else you will look like an ass even if you’re trying to do the right thing. If that doesn’t work, I don’t know what does.

  19. Boomaster says:

    Mr. Graham
    My first approach to the girl i love i found her pretty simple, but at time goes on she totally changed to me, she even told me that she is married while she is not. Can you pls help me with some advices? Thanks.

  20. patty says:

    Hi.thanks fo ua wonderful is pretty nyc n swit.i love my wife so much n i blve she loves me bak but whenever we differ a little,she uses very hurting words n comments and claims to be mistreated,wishing to stay alone but she never quotes any of mistreatments in particular,a thing that hurts me immensely.I love her so much but her comments sometyms make me confused.She is so faithful n responsible.what can i do?

    • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

      You need to respect her and her wishes. Perhaps you need to become the man she wants to be with. That’s what happened to me. Until I changed she didn’t want to be with me, now she is my wife.

  21. brian kemboi says:

    thank you so much for this page man. am still young in love, am 20 and my girlfriend is 18. my friends keep on telling me that I shouldn’t show my girlfriend that I love her so much and she’s my everything. that should keep it low that will make her feel insecure and always be right by y side. What’s your advice man. Please help. I love her so much and I can’t stop showing her the love I have for her.

    • Graham Reid Phoenix says:

      Yes, you should show her that you love her, but you must ask yourself if it is neediness not love. Your friends are wrong, a woman needs to feel secure and safe with you, but she also needs to know it is her you love, not the idea of filling a void in you.

  22. Ronnie Baldwin says:

    I suck at being a husband, I didn’t have my father in my life growing up! I never agree with my wife, I just don’t know how to attend to her needs when she talks to me, I’m 51 years old I don’t think I ever can change. I know my wife is not happy with me, she try’s to make me understand her but I just can’t get it. She said, I’m wired acting!!!

    • Graham Phoenix says:

      Hi Ronnie, thanks for your comment. I understand what you are talking about – and I know it sucks! There is one thing, though, that I don’t agree with and that’s when you say, “I don’t think I ever can change”. That really isn’t true. You can change and I can show you how. Many of the men I work with start like you, with no father in their life. Email me at and we can arrange to talk. Graham

  23. Christopher Akau says:

    This is wow, no doubt about it a man must love him self before he will be able to love someone, I love this words ” Love is worship of the other person”

  24. George says:

    I need you to advice me.I love a gal in America,and I’m in south africa.I never meet her or talk to her,I invite her in social network and when I chat with her I get this weird feeling from everything in my body.she a student at america please help me.

  25. Steve M Nash says:

    Graham, I love what you’ve written here, I really do!


    There’s nothing much else that comes to mind for me to say, right now, so THANK YOU for writing this!


  26. Dave says:

    Your a bloody genious mate. I have been able to really set a bush fire under what was a flagging 20ys of marriage. Hey guys this stuf really works!


    • Hi Dave

      Thanks for that, I really appreciate it. It’s amazing what you can do when you step back and look at what’s going on. If you then take reponsibility and do something about it…

      Let me know how it works out.


  27. Akorede kayode. J says:

    of a truth ,love is a virtue that we must all embrace. Thank you sir , i just discover your site which believe i that i can love people better now

  28. Blair de Jong says:

    Hey Graham – thanks for sending me this link. Quite a refreshing take on how I can love the woman in my life.

    • Graham Phoenix says:

      That’s a pleasure, Blair. We all need to think about loving our women, give it our full attention. Graham

  29. Tim says:

    This is a great list, I feel for me to be able to do this best I need to balance my alone time with together time.

    #7 is my favorite, its very easy to sit down and list all the immediate problems, so time should be taken to remember all the great times and struggles that you’ve made it through before.

  30. Vic Magary says:

    Great post, Graham. Like some of the others have mentioned, #4 especially struck a chord with me. I went through a period in my life where I lost my “power”; business challenges had me acting in all kinds of ways that were not aligned with my true self. And during this period of misalignment, I lost both my business and my woman.

    • Graham Phoenix says:

      Vic, thank you so much for sharing your experience. #4 is particularly important for me. I was divorced after a 35 year marriage and I lost my business. I eventually found my power and my current relationship, I will be married in a couple of months, is based on it. I know all about it from my partner and live it daily. Graham

  31. Graham:
    I thought this post was beautiful. I know this post is directed at men, but I think it was done so well and really shows us all what it means and how to truly love. I loved how it pointed us in the direction of conscious living and conscious relationships … really understanding and being sensitive to the needs of yourself and the person you are with. You have a great understanding of women and relationships. Great post with so much insight and wisdom. I will share it with all the men I know 🙂

    • Graham Phoenix says:

      Thank you so much for that, Sibyl. Yes, it’s written for men but there is much in it for all of us. I am looking at How women can love men and I hope to publish that soon.

      Conscious living is so important and a key that many people forget.

  32. I think one of the biggest pieces in relationships and love is that it is constantly changing. A man may love an attribute about his girl one day and be annoyed by it the next. Having open communication lines to express appreciation, desire, frustration, love and hate is necessary to a lasting relationship. In short, I really think a man has to be able to look at his partner and explain why the relationship works. Ideally, he will do that on occasion without prodding.

    • Graham Phoenix says:

      Hi Patrick, thanks for your comment.

      I agree about having open communication, that is essential. Without openness and honesty a relationship is destined for failure. I’m not sure, though, about loving an attribute one day and being annoyed the next. This doesn’t sound like a relationship of clarity. This is clearly a situation where the man is not sure of himself and projects his changing opinions on his partner, that is not a good way to proceed. As I said, a man needs to start by loving himself, when he does this these kind of fluctuations should disappear. Relationships grow and develop but shouldn’t constantly change. People grow and develop but if someone is constantly changing it suggests there are issues to be dealt with.

      • daniel says:

        Sounds more like they have communication problems. The shifting of perception is just that… A shift of perception and not indicative of moral fall ability. Maybe they argue and his likes appear to be dislikes in an emotionally unstable context.

        • Graham Phoenix says:

          Yes, but the question is why they have communication problems. What is the shift in perception all about?

  33. Hi Graham,

    I enjoyed reading your suggestions. It’s the truth that most ways of getting the most out our relationships start with respecting, caring for ourselves too.

    You say: “‘Give and you shall receive’, but give without expecting anything in return.”

    … a great approach to have in mind for life, and any relationship.

    • Graham Phoenix says:

      Hi Scott, thanks for your comment. Certainly these suggestions for loving a women apply to any relationship and more generally in life. There will shifts in nuance but the principles behind them will always apply.

    • Graham Phoenix says:

      Arvind, thank you so much for that, your comment is so touching. I speak from my life and it’s so good to find it resonates with you.

  34. Graham Phoenix says:


    Thank you for that, I appreciate it. I agree with you about lead, it’s such an important characteristic. Leadership is vital.

  35. I like this post Graham, you have some really good points. I would add to #4 with “Lead”. One of the things your woman loves about you is your ability as a man to lead (to lead her and others). Don’t ever shirk your leadership in your relationship.

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