It’s so easy to control the ones you love and, especially, the ones you don’t.
Control of yourself is something you shy away from. Men often tend to ignore the need for this relying, instead, on righteous indignation at what life has done to them. They think that if they change the world they will improve their lives.
I’m sure that if pushed you will accept that to change anything you need to start with yourself. On the first day when you looked at self-love you discovered that if your relationship is in difficulty you should always look at yourself first. When you accept that your situation starts with yourself you will go a long way to discovering the solution.
The Serenity Prayer, adopted by Alcoholics Anonymous, puts this issue in perspective. It combines the need to change yourself and not others with an ability to see the difference between the two.
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.”
I spent many years working to change the attitudes and habits of others in my life. I created chaos by being so sure of how others should be.
It wasn’t until I went to Al-Anon, a support group for friends and family of alcoholics, that I discovered that not only could I not change others but that I made things worse if I tried to. Being well intentioned did not make it any better.
This behaviour was nothing more than an emotional cover for not looking at my own behaviour. My perception of the world came from my own emotions and needs. I created the world that was inside me, the world did not create me. I created a world where people did not do what I wanted, a world where things didn’t happen as they should. If they would only listen to me everything would be alright. I cringe, now, as I look back.
- This exercise requires an ability to be honest. Write down any initial thoughts on control so that you can come back to them and remind yourself where you started.
- How do you control, or at least attempt to control, the world around you? Do you control your family, colleagues or friends?
- What are, or have been the effects of this behaviour? Be honest about what you have created through this, what lasting consequences have there been for you and others?
- What habits, addictions or patterns do you have that are unresolved? How have you blamed others, or the world, for problems in your life?
Other Posts in the series 'Dealing With Chaos'
- 06. Do You Need, Desire Or Love
- 08. Do You Find Intimacy Difficult
- 09. Suffering Is Resistance To Pain
- 10. Look for the Learning in Emotional Pain
- 11. Are You Seeking The Truth?
- 12. Can You Look Forwards And Backwards?
- 13. Do You Blame Or Take Responsibility?
- 14. Are You Aware Of Your Masculinity?
- 15. Enjoy the Dusk, Celebrate the Day
- 16. Dealing With Chaos - Acceptance
- 17. Do You Accept Your Personalities?
- 18. What Do You Like About Yourself?
- 19. What Don’t You Like About Yourself?
- 20. What Would You Like To Change?
- 21. What Are You Willing To Do To Change?
- 22. Describe The Ideal You, The New You
- 23. How Will You Achieve Change?
- 24. Is Your Life A Construction Site Or A Garden?
- 25. How To Live With Uncertainty
- 26. Can You Let Go Of Your Ego?
- 27. Can You Now Accept Who You Are?
- 28. Enjoying The Person You Are
- 29. Celebrate Who You Are - Be Outrageous!
- 30. Dealing With Chaos - Authenticity
- 31. Do You Live Your Life At Full Potential?
- 32. What Vision Do You Have?
- 33. Do You Walk Your Talk?
- 34. What Are Your Spheres Of Influence?
- 35. How Do You Use Your Sexuality?
- 36. How Are You And Your Family?
- 37. How Do You Use Your Power And Strength?
- 38. Can Others Rely On You?
- 39. What Are You Dishonest About?
- 40. What Will You Stake Your Life On?
- 41. What Is Passion? What Drives You?
- 42. Do You Know Your Truth? Do You Speak It?
- 43. What Will Life Look Like Now?
- 44. Dealing With Chaos - Participants Open Their Hearts
Latest posts by Graham Reid Phoenix (see all)
How Yoga Helped Me Find The Stillness In Masculinity
I have found that Yoga has enabled me to balance my personality and find my 'Still Point'. I use it to observe myself and deepen my masculinity with compassion, awareness and understanding. It has transformed me into a man who is both more alive and calmer.- November 2, 2016
Today I Felt the Shame of Being a Man
Graham experiences what it is like to be woman who is not listened to and suppressed. He looks at what men can do to fill this gender gap. Today I felt the pain of being a woman… Today I felt the shame of being a man…- October 26, 2016
Obesity in Men: What Is The Truth
Britain’s fattest man, Carl Thompson, was 33 years old and weighed 65 stone when he died in 2015. For those not from Britain, that is 410 kilos or 910 pounds. He was housebound, bed-ridden and alone. This was a man whose life had moved out of balance, and who ended up in a miserable, early death. This is an example of the issue of obesity in men.- October 16, 2016