This is a unique and powerful book. It is a record of a series of conversations with Christopher Howard on masculinity, sex, addiction and relationships. In them both Chris and myself opened ourselves up in a very personal and revealing way. We held nothing back and explored what it is to be men.
In the story of my relationship with my wife I talk about the shift I made, about the transformation. It is important to understand that the shift was not where I suddenly learned about women and how to love them. It was where I suddenly learned about myself, who I was, who I was trying to be. I came to see how important this was to any potential partner.
Men, you start to relate to a woman because you are attracted by her. You realise, later, that you do not know how to go beyond that attraction. You do not know how to love her, how to get her to love you. You want to love her and you want the relationship to grow and be powerful.
You discover something important when you embark on a relationship. You discover that women are different from men. You discover that it is not enough to have a relationship with a woman.You are a man; you know how to bond with other men. You can sit in silence with other men. You can drink, or watch sports together, and do nothing else. This does not work with women because they are not the same as men. You discover that you need to bring more to a relationship. You find that women demand more in a relationship.
A woman needs more than the sexy, interesting man who attracted her originally. She needs to see more of the man inside. She wants to see the strength, power and compassion in you.
Women look for more in you. Women look for real depth in you, once they are beyond that first stage of attraction, that first powerful jolt of sexual polarity. They look for a man who knows his strength, a man who sees his future, a man who lives for his passion in life, a man who has focus and direction.
There is a process you can go through to achieve this. There are some simple steps you can take to create this transformation.
Discover your core masculinity. You were born with it. Feel your male energy, that drive that is deep down inside you. Learn about focus, the first of the essential male qualities. Focus can define a man.
Learn to understand how your parents influenced you and how you reacted. Your parents will have influenced you first. This will have created different personalities in you. Meet those personalities and resolve the issues between them. Look at your attitudes to life, and how they have affected you and your relationships.
The ability to ground yourself is an essential quality. It creates the ability to love and be loved and, especially, the ability to love yourself. Work on your self-confidence and learn how to love yourself and how to love others. It is crucial that you understand this process.
It is important that you live in your power and strength. The strength to own yourself and the power to stand up for what you believe. To fully embrace these, you need compassion. Compassion tempers your power and strength. Compassion eliminates any tendency to be dominant.
Everyone should live a life of purpose, especially men. When you have a purpose, you can live your truth and be authentic in all you do. This, in turn, enables you to live in uncertainty and embrace that uncertainty. Uncertainty demands vulnerability, that is strong, not weak, that enables you to stand up without fear.
This is where you need to embrace change. The question, though, is change to what? Change to align with your vision and your passion. Embrace what you are passionate about in life and build your vision of the future. Your vision will drive you and inspire you.
To be a leader you need to understand that leadership is about more than a title. It is about how you influence others and how they influence you. Your partner should have the freedom to fly and be a woman, in your relationship, because of your love, because of your leadership.
Women look for a man who is present. You need to hold her in your presence. You need to understand what is behind your love. You need deal with the conflicting issues of need, desire and control and how they affect you. They are behind much of what we call love.
The twin pillars at the heart of any relationship are sexual polarity and intimacy. Sexual polarity is a powerful energy that draws two people together and creates excitement in their relationship. Find where yours lies and embrace it.
Intimacy balances your sexual polarity and your physical relationship. Intimacy is important for a woman, who often seeks intimacy before sex. A man often seeks sex before intimacy.
Live as a masculine man, strong, confident and happy with yourself. Understand how women work and how your woman works. Have a relationship of love and strength that will last throughout your life? Rediscover the passion in your life. Rediscover the intimacy in your relationship. Rediscover yourself, rediscover your woman. Learn how to love a woman. Learn how to be the man your woman will love.