Lent Meditation – Day 38

Journey: Strength

I left go of my neediness, I let go of my need. I found the inner strength to be me and to take my place in the world. I discovered that trying to re-create the world to what I wanted had caused all the problems I had faced in my life. It had caused the destruction of my marriage. Perhaps it would never have happened in the first place if I had not been this way. So what was my next step?

I arrived back at the cottage a changed man. According to Urmila my voice was deeper, my certainty was obvious, I had become a man. She had not been expecting this, she had already decided that this relationship was not going anywhere and it was time to end it.

She dived into a black hole of uncertainty and confusion, because of my shift. It was not supposed to be this way. She had spent some years trying to get the men she was with to go inside and find their masculine strength with no long term results. Here I was a changed man, a man who had found himself, a man who was willing to accept whatever happened. She did not know what to do, she did not know if it was going to last.

I opened up about how I saw the future and talked about what I would like to do, how I would like my life to move forward. She wanted to keep travelling and no plans to settle down and create a new settled life. She had been settled/trapped for too long to want to go into that again. I said I would happy to come on the road with her, to let go of my life in England and see where things went.

She ran away to Fiji, to the other side of the world in confusion. She had found someone who she now found herself attracted to and she needed to work out what to do.


I had shaken my world apart, I had shaken Urmila’s world apart, what was to come? How was I going to resolve my relationship with the world now that I had stopped trying to manipulate for my own ends. I was out there as me, letting life take its course.

I went to Fiji and Urmila and I started over again, spending time together getting to know the new me. We made a commitment and shared an apartment together in Fiji. This turned out to be an amazing time and an amazing experience. It transformed our lives and set us on a road into the world together.

We worked on events, travelled the world and found our lives merging closer together. We started house-sitting around the world, staying wherever we fancied, roaming the planet. We set up an internet domain, roamingbirds.com, to signify what our life had become.

I started to create a new life of work. I left lighting design behind after forty years and became a writer. I started writing in two areas, travel and men, eventually to focus on men and masculinity. I was invigorated by my shift into myself, by the idea that I had come home to what was already inside me. I wrote on this on my website, malexperience.com, which became satpurusha.com.

I started working as a coach as I explored my new freedom and my new ideas. Urmila stimulated my intellectual and emotional development and our relationship blossomed. Urmila started writing and exploring her femininity as we both spent more and more time together.

Where could this go, what could endanger it?