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Sex and Control – Understand Your Dark Energy

Wow... It gives me goosebumps just thinking about sex.… It's such an important subject. We really need to get it right, men. So much hangs on this, so much flows from the balance between sex and control.

I was privileged to hear a conversation in which one woman was telling another that she was upset that her man had just broken up with her. The reason he gave up was that she kept taking control during sex. He said he couldn’t take it any more, the fact that she controls him.

She was, obviously, upset by this and was fearful of doing anything about it. She was afraid of where things would go if she wasn’t in control, she was afraid of losing that grip on herself. She said this left her confused.

Thinking about this I became angry with the man involved, with his inadequacy, his inability to be a man. It made me interested in the subject of how to control sexuality for men. How do you deal with sex men?

Let’s wind back, look at this situation and think about it calmly. Let’s look at sex control.

Last year I attended a workshop in Pune, India, with my wife, Urmila. In the final session we worked together to explore our dark energy. The idea was to find and unleash it’s power and see where it went. This was scary stuff for us, but it was something we wanted to explore and come to terms with. We knew that to become completely free in our relationship we had to be sure of what might happen if we lost control. Losing control is a fear we all have. Will we become abusive? Will we collapse? Will we still be ourselves?

It was playful at first but as we went deeper we pushed each other and let go of our inhibitions. The leader came over to us to check we were OK, she was afraid we were hurting each other. No we weren’t, we were having the most amazing time of our lives, we were flowing.

We learned about masculine presence/grounding and feminine trust/surrender. The balance took us deep into our relationship and gave us both strength. Urmila, being physically weaker and the woman, grew in her pushing and testing of me. I took everything she threw at me and gave her more back. She went further, let go and gave me all she had. I took this and gave it back to her. I gave her the freedom to go wherever she wanted but never relinquished control. I could take it, and give it back. I remained grounded and present, nothing threw me off.

Urmila’s trust grew and she let go completely, relinquishing control. She was no longer afraid of where she might go, she could truly trust me to take it and not to lose control myself. I could give it back, tempered with the knowledge of my own strength and the potential hurt I could inflict. I could hurt her, but didn’t.

The power of the dark energy has remained in our relationship and made it strong.

When we come to sex between men and women the same situation applies. A man can create a space of allowing the woman to go where she wants, whether it is controlling or submissive, but he retains the ability to take it and give it back. In this space the woman can trust and surrender and totally let go. They both enter a place of trust and presence where they can fully explore themselves and their relationship. The man can take whatever happens and not feel inadequate. This strength, presence and trust creates an electric situation.

Returning to the man we looked in the beginning, we see that he was unable to go there. He was unable to trust his own presence, strength and power, unable to take what was coming to him. The woman was testing him, pushing him to find out where he was, how he would react. She was taking control because he didn’t. She wanted him to take it back, not through her weakness, not through her becoming submissive, but through his own power and presence.

He retreated into his own weakness, he relinquished his masculinity, he got out of the relationship. He blamed her for the situation, he made her responsible for the breakdown. She was taking control, women shouldn’t do that, women should know their place! What rubbish! A man should know his place, a man should be capable of knowing himself and his strength. A man should be grounded and confident. A man should understand his responsibility. A man should be present and trusted by the woman, trusted to go further, to not go too far and trusted to take whatever she throws at him.

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  1. I am fascinated by this. All my life, I have been taught that women and men are truly the same except for physical/cultural differences. But as I get older, I am looking for exactly what you described in a man. Someone who will take just the right amount of control. It is the only way I feel comfortable in the bedroom anymore. And men and women are not the same. As I’ve become an adult, I actually crave submission. But it is my choice! And I know it is dangerous too. You have to trust your partner.

    Sorry I know this is old but I just love what you wrote and agree with you completely.


  2. Hi Graham,

    Interesting stuff. It raises a few questions for me, though.

    For example, what if the woman is as physically strong as the man or stronger? What if both are comfortable with surrender and both are comfortable with control, both fine with submission or dominance? What if both are free to go anywhere?

    “A man can create a space of allowing the woman to go where she wants, whether it is controlling or submissive, but he retains the ability to take it and give it back.”

    Seems to me the woman has this ability as well.

    “In this space the woman can trust and surrender and totally let go.”

    I think the woman should give this to the man as well.

    “The man can take whatever happens and not feel inadequate. ”

    Same for the woman.

    “he relinquished his masculinity, ”

    What is masculinity?

    Great food for thought.


    1. Leah, thanks for the comment. I can see from your response that it’s brought up some fascinating stuff for you.

      First thing to understand is that I was describing my situation and my relationship, in other situations going into the dark side could have completely different results. The important thing is releasing the inhibitions and going deep into the relationship. The stronger one, man or woman, needs to create the space for the other one to trust and surrender. The strength may be physical, it may be emotional.

      Relationships are all different and polarity can exist between a more masculine woman and a more feminine woman, but polarity is critical. Yes everything is available to the woman but the situation is more often as I describe. You, clearly, feel that we are all the same in our core. I completely disagree with you. There are essential differences in male and female essence beyond the obvious physical differences and cultural influences. A man provides grounding and presence that allows a woman to trust him and surrender to herself. This is not about a man being in charge, it’s about a man being a rock while the woman allows herself to go into her chaotic feminine. The equality you espouse tends to suppress the natural masculine and feminine. This is cultural pressure as well, it is not natural.

      ‘He relinquished his masculinity’, you say ‘What masculinity?’ Precisely, there wasn’t any! His grounding had gone, his confidence in himself, his willingness to step into the uncertainty of the relationship. An essential part of masculinity is the ability to step into uncertainty and remain grounded and strong. His allowing her to take control would have shown her that he could take it, that he was man enough.

      I am fascinated by your unwillingness to accept any differences between men and woman, other than sex and having children, what’s the point? I can understand women taking back their power, particularly at work, men have dominated them and this needs to stop, but this does not need to suppress natural instincts.


  3. There are a lot of “shoulds.” I think it is silly to get angry with men who don`t know how to be men. It`s not like they want to be that way…most never had mentors or men to teach them what it even means to be a man. I didn`t, and I get so confused and my relationship suffer as a result. Most of us don`t consider taking dark energy workshops in India to get this stuff handled. This is New Age crap at it`s finest.


    1. Alex

      It may be ‘New Age Crap’ as you say, but for me it’s looking at my life and making it better. I didn’t have a mentor or someone to teach me how to be a man and my long-term marriage crashed as a result. I finally learnt through a woman who helped me to see me and what I was doing.

      I agree that it’s silly to get angry, none of us want to be that way. What we can do is learn the lessons and change how we do and think about life and relationships. I understand your confusion, my writing here on Graham Reid Phoenix is to help men clear up the confusion.

      It can be different and it can be better.



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