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Inner Feminine – Let’s have no more of it

I listened to a teleseminar today about men and sex ( and inner feminine) that I thought was going to be a step forward in understanding men. Boy, was I ever wrong.

There was some good stuff about sex, “Let go and relax and discover the truth that is already within. It is already in you now, just let it be, naturally.”

But then we were regaled with balancing the, “Feminine seductive energy and the Masculine hunting energy!” We were told that ‘exaggerated polarity’ was the cause of pain in men. The need to perform is the issue. So let’s all get in touch with our ‘Inner Feminine’ and be receptive. Apparently this is what Tantra teaches.

Well I can tell you that I have practiced Tantra and never learnt that! I learnt to respect the contrasting forces of masculinity and femininity, to learn to balance them in a relationship of two people, not one person.

Inner Feminine and Inner Masculine

There still seems to be this strange idea that there is a continuum between the masculine and the feminine. A single line that defines us. Apparently the problem that men have is that we are trying to be too in our masculine with not enough feminine. Integrate the two, we are told, and we will come out a muddy brown colour with no distinguishing features at all!

The truth is considerably more complex and more simple. Men have lost their centre, their ability to be strong and quiet in the middle of a storm of confusion and chaos. Men have lost their ability to know who on earth they are.

There are four stages to being a man.

  1. As it says above, “Let go and relax and discover the truth that is already within. It is already in you now, just let it be, naturally.
  2. In there find your own personal masculinity, the one you feel deep down inside. Look for  your combination of characteristics such as Presence, Stamina, Grounding, Power, Focus and Containment. Find it, feel it and hold it.
  3. Once you have it and know it then temper it with your own combination of characteristics associated with a woman’s femininity such as Freedom, Chaos, Surrender, Nurturing, Spontaneity and Trust. Make them yours, blend them into your masculinity, expand it, temper it, make it stronger.
  4. Finally detach from the outcome, be yourself and hold your certainty as a man, most of all be present and know yourself.

Let’s stop talking about integrating our feminine and our masculine. Yes, we need to absorb those characteristics which help us touch our compassion and our receptivity, yes, we need to be open and understanding but not at the expense of our own personal masculine strength. No amount of just integrating the feminine will restore our masculinity, it will only dilute and confuse it.

Nobody wants to go back to the masculinity of oppression and power, the macho man chopping down trees and beating his chest but neither do we want to slide further into the wet slime of the integrated man swimming around in a sea of confused masculinity/femininity. What we need are men who understand themselves, understand women and want to live in a society where equality at work and in the home does not mean a dilution of polarity. Let’s have men that women want to be with, men who know themselves and what it means to their women.

We don’t need performance but neither do we need softness. We need men of truth for whom sex is the ultimate expression of intimacy through the power of energy. Men for whom the electricity in a relationship is the kick that makes life worth living.

As I said in ‘Kali’s Sword‘,

Without women, man is powerless, without men, woman cannot exist. It is the power of their combination that is responsible for the creation of the world. The essence of the dynamic and creative forces of creation comes from the inter-twining of the two forms of energy. So as men we need to understand that alone we create death but with women we, together, become a great creative force in the world.”

So let’s leave the ‘Inner Feminine’ alone, shall we! Let men be men and women be women and let us live for each other.

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  1. Hey Graham,

    It’s a little unclear to me what you are communicating here. You seem to be saying that for a man to talk about integrating his feminine is potentially confusing. But then you offer it as point #3 on your list. So is your point that there is a chronological order in which we need to do things – that we need to stabilize masculine core qualities before we start developing our inner feminine?

    I think that’s what you’re saying. In that case, for the “modern man”, I agree.

    My personal understanding of modern man’s malaise is that it’s linked to his wounded feeling function, just like in the Fisher King myth. He has lost his ability to feel his way through life, knowing little about joy or happiness, having put the lid on anything that may even remind him of femininity. Man gets confused here, because he thinks his inner Lover archetype is a feminine energy, one that he is terrified of tuning into. So man’s masculinity is severely handicapped by this inability to feel for fear that he becomes feminine in so doing.

    To the extent that integrating his inner feminine will help him in stopping projecting joy and happiness in life into beautiful women, completing the sacred marriage of King and Queen within, then it is a vital process, one which supports the masculinity in him tremendously. It frees him from obsessive attachment to women and he becomes less rigid in life in general.

    Since it was a bit unclear what you were saying with this, I wanted to put this reflection into the discussion.

    Thank you,


    1. Thanks for your reflection Eivind, it’s very helpful.

      To try and clarify what I mean I will use Osho’s concept of aloneness in which he talks about how a true relationship between a man and a woman happens when each is still capable of being alone. He talks about a Tabla player and a Flute player who each make beautiful music on their own. They don’t need the other but when they do come together they make even more beautiful music. They each have a desire for the other and can exist without the other. So with masculine and feminine each has a desire for the other to create balance in their life but can exist on their own.

      I don’t believe that as men we have an Inner Feminine. I believe that we have a deep seated desire to create balance in our lives by a relationship with the feminine in another person. Satisfying this makes us whole.

      So when I talk about tempering your masculine characteristics with “your own combination of characteristics associated with a woman’s femininity” I am not referring in any sense to a sense of ‘Inner Feminine’. I am referring to the need to create a more balanced personality where your masculinity can be rounded with compassion or caring. This shifts the often too macho sense of masculinity that many men have. It allows feeling with out the fear of becoming feminine. It doesn’t introduce femininity in any way, that is a concept which, for me, is unhelpful and confusing.

      You might see this as obsessive attachment to women, it’s not, it’s balance. To satisfy this desire wholly within yourself is to create a sense of detachment that can exclude women, that is not a healthy masculinity. I merge with my desire for the feminine through my partner, together we create a balance in life for each other. I believe the desire for that is deep in our soul.


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