5.5 Writing My Way Home—Exploring My Masculinity

I was changing and developing a greater understanding of the big picture. I was starting to see my role in the growing spiritual world I was living in.

I was now travelling around the world with my new partner. The old life was drifting off behind me and I was starting to develop a new life as a writer and a coach working with men. My writing was focusing on the issues men faced in their lives, driven very much by my own experiences. My writing became the means by which I started exploring my masculinity. This had become important to me as I moved on from business failure and the complete breakdown of my long-term relationship. I questioned who I was and where I was going. My new relationship and issues of sexual polarity grew in importance as I questioned what it was to be a man.

Is sexual polarity the spark that brings men and women together, I asked, is it the spark that catches the energy of the universe, if so how and why? This idea of Universal Energy was one that I was exploring in my life as a man and in my relationship.

Nelson Mandela took the world by storm when he became President of the new South Africa. His presence before his former captors was an example to men everywhere. His focus and dedication in the face of his incarceration seemed almost super-human. But was it? Was he something special, or was he an example of the power of a man in his core, a man who knew himself and his purpose?

Men, when they ‘get it’ can be amazingly powerful, but how do they get there and why should they?

My life changed dramatically when I started this new relationship with a woman I had known and worked with for some time. We had both been looking for our soulmate without seeing what was there in front of our eyes. We were great friends and loved each other’s company. It had never occurred to either of us that there was, or could be, anything more. We were both seeking what was missing in our lives. Then, one day, the spark happened and our lives were transformed

So what changed, what happened? Where did the magic come from? The details of the story are irrelevant, what matters is the forces at work behind us as individuals.


Shakti Gawain in her book, ‘Living in the Light’, said,

It is the Energy of the Universe moving through us that transforms, not the particular things we do. Whether you are taking a walk or building a house, if you’re doing it with a sense of being right where you want to be and doing what you want to be doing, that fullness and joy in the experience will be felt by everyone around you. You will see proof of it in watching the changes in people.

The energy of the universe runs through and influences us all. It is this that is responsible for the monumental changes such as the ones that we were going through. But how did this energy work its magic and transform the two of us? How did it create this blend of masculinity and femininity? The key is the moment the spark happens, the moment everything changes. What were the actual forces at work, allowing us to create the wonderful relationship we had? How does sexual polarity come into the equation?

In our work with men and women we have found that archetypes and stories often hold the key to age-old mysteries. The parallel stories of Sleeping Beauty and the Frog Prince look at the essence of a person being put to sleep or hidden from the world. This continues until the ‘mysterious stranger’ comes along and kisses the Beauty/Frog. Then a transformation happens and the pair fall in love and live happily ever after.

So is the answer a kiss? No, not quite! Neither sex are waiting for their future partner to come along and kiss them, thus revealing, at last, their inner core, even if they think that is the situation. The kiss is a metaphor and they key is to isolate what the metaphor is.

This leads us back to Shakti Gawain’s ‘Energy of the Universe’. There is a moment when the energy is revealed in all its power. That moment is when the initial spark of sexual polarity fires between two people. Suddenly everything is clear and exciting. It is the moment often described as ‘love at first sight’. Shakti Gawain describes it as the moment you have a sense of being right where you want to be and doing what you want to be doing. At that moment the fullness and joy in the experience will be felt by everyone around you.

This happens between two people. The energy of sexual polarity is revealed and acts as a catalyst in two people. That catalyst starts the transformation that moves the man into his masculinity and the woman into her femininity. Most of us know that moment, many of us have felt the spark.

It is at this point that men need to move into top gear and start working on how they show up as a man. I was writing a lot on this subject and I continued to talk about it a great deal. Men are prone to leave this bit out and wonder, later on, why the spark died why the magic did not continue.

That initial spark of sexual polarity is just a catalyst, it is just there to set off the chain reaction, not to keep it going. It reveals the infinite potential of sexual polarity as a force between two people, the power that can exist between them, the excitement that comes from the interaction of their cores. Men need to harness that power, need to feel that excitement, need to fully experience the polarity and bring it into their life as a permanent feature. They need to develop their own power, strength and presence and take the woman by storm.


Rumi the 13th century poet said,

A man’s head may be filled with knowledge of meaningless worldly matters, he may be familiar with all the sciences, and yet not know his own soul. He knows the special properties of every substance, but he is as ignorant as an ass about the nature of his own essence. He declares, “I know what is permissable and what is not,” but he does not know if his own actions are permissable. He knows the precise value of every article he buys and sells; but in his folly he does not know his own value. He has learned to distinguish auspicious stars from inauspicious ones, but he does not examine his soul to see if he is in a fortunate or poor spiritual state. To know yourself, and to live your life in anticipation of the Day of Judgement, is to master the highest science.

A man needs to discover what his essence is and let it—help it—grow. Why is this important? Why not just enjoy the initial spark of polarity while it lasts and let the future be what it may be?

I was in the full throws of the amazing passion I had discovered, she was overwhelmed by what was happening. Life was changing before her eyes in ways that she did not anticipate. Life ceased to make sense for a while, she was trying to come to terms with a whole new landscape. Men are leaders not because they are better than women but because they can have the ability to focus and see beyond the immediate surroundings. They can live beyond this moment into the future. Women can be overwhelmed by their own emotions and can miss the bigger picture.

Nelson Mandela had the focus and foresight to see beyond the immediate surroundings of the prison cell he was held in for 27 years to the needs of his country. He was able to subjugate his needs to those of his people. That is the essence of a man. I was changing and developing a greater understanding of the big picture. I was starting to see my role in the growing spiritual world I was living in.

Where did it lead? That is to come.

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