Loneliness and Aloneness
I am at the end of this phase of looking at the seventy years I have lived so far. I have celebrated the shift from old to new. I have explored the old, and am starting to explore the new. But where does that leave me with myself or with the world?
Osho helped me to finally understand my relationship with the world with his distinction between loneliness and aloneness. He explained loneliness as follows:
Man ordinarily lives in loneliness. To avoid loneliness, he creates all kinds of relationships, friendships, organizations, political parties, religions and what not. But the basic thing is that he is very much afraid of being lonely. Loneliness is a black hole, a darkness, a frightening negative state almost like death ... as if you are being swallowed by death itself. To avoid it, you run out and fall into anybody, just to hold somebody's hand, to feel that you are not lonely... Nothing hurts more than loneliness.
I realise now, that my whole life to date was governed by this fear. Osho went on to say,
The day you decide that all these efforts are failures, that your loneliness has remained untouched by all your efforts, that is a great moment of understanding. Then only one thing remains: to see whether loneliness is such a thing that you should be afraid of, or if it is just your nature. Then rather than running out and away, you close your eyes and go in. Suddenly the night is over, and a new dawn ... The loneliness transforms into aloneness. Aloneness is your nature. You were born alone, you will die alone. And you are living alone without understanding it, without being fully aware of it. You misunderstand aloneness as loneliness; it is simply a misunderstanding. You are sufficient unto yourself.
I discovered aloneness as a powerful, positive state to be in. I came to understand myself and enjoy my own company, I ceased to need others to fill my void, I was able to do it myself.
I found aloneness to be a state of being that recognised that I was part of the whole of consciousness. I was never, and never will be, just me. No matter to what extent there is no-one around me, I am always connected into universal consciousness. What we all seek is to find this out, that we are part of everything and everyone. For me it was both a scary and a comforting discovery. It is not a discovery I can, or would want to escape from, it is still hard to understand, though.
A man is defined by the choices he makes over the decades. My choices left me out on a limb at the end of seeking and on the cusp of a new future. What I now realise, though, is that the decades that are behind me, that I have described in my book, are not me, are not the truth. The truth is buried beneath the layers of my life. I can now actually start the real process of seeking below everything that has happened, below everything that I know. Now my life can begin for real.
At the beginning of this journey, this book, I said about myself,
His soul is the home of his spirit, the heart of his being, the core of his existence. The journey through life is a metaphor for his journey to his soul. This is where the spirituality of existence lies, at the intersection of the journey through life and the journey to the soul. Spirituality is the air he breathes, the thoughts he has, the emotions he feels, and the spirit that fills him. Spirituality is the cause and consequence of his being.
What I have been relating is my journey through life, not my journey to my soul. I see that that has been missing, even though I tried hard to find it. That journey is now ready for me to move forward. As Purusha I have a new beginning with a new landscape before me. There is a whole future out there for me to explore. So how am I going to move forward and explore it? That is a good question.
My Highest Consciousness
My spiritual name, Sat Purusha, challenges me to live in my highest consciousness and helps me progress towards my ultimate destination. It serves as my spiritual identity, an opportunity to leave the past behind and live consciously, and as a blessing that continually reminds me of my unique soul and my relationship with the Infinite. It is a life changing experience.
A spiritual name opens a person up to the destiny of his or her soul. Each time you hear your spiritual name, it is a vibratory blessing that reminds your soul of its divine purpose. My old being has still been shimmering through as I continue to grow into my new identity.
Beyond my name, beyond the sound made to call me, there is my soul. Pulsing with life, electrified, animated with perception and perspective. Beyond what others call me, or what I once have called myself, that Divine Spark within me, that Soul may speak. In speaking, that Soul may express a new name, a new arrangement of sound and form, a new symbol to declare itself.
Today my soul speaks and you are present to listen. I am Sat Purusha and I am nameless. The divine light which resides in my soul defies categories, titles and labels. I am infinite.
I am Sat Purusha. I give myself permission to be all that I can be. I open my consciousness to new, higher ways of thinking, feeling, and being. I allow the Self within to reveal itself to me in this moment. I link with divine will to release all that is unnecessary and inessential in my life
I love and embrace the new. I am awakening spiritually to my full potential. I choose the path of the most light. I build a bridge of light to my higher self. I infuse my life with light. I acknowledge and accept the path of light and I invite you to re-connect to and accept the path of light with me.
From Yang to Yin
In moving in to the light to seek and experience what is before me, how do I intend to move on? While I can see my future in spiritual terms, what does it mean in terms of my physical being, my daily life?
In many ways the answer is simple. It involves a shift from active to passive, from yang to yin. This is the yin period of my life. This way of living is not traditional for men, at least it has not been for me. I have talked at length about how I have spent my life controlling and dominating everyone and everything around me. That is at an end.
The yin way of live is to be present, let go and allow. It is to sit and open myself up to what is around me so that I can see the role Spirit has for me. It is no longer about the role I see for myself, but the role that life has for me. I started by saying,
At some point, for some reason, we decide to merge into a physical existence and be born onto this earth. We come here for a specific purpose. However, we need to merge into the flow of life in the physical and so we forget our divine existence and our express purpose. Now we progress through the physical span of our being, both wanting to fulfil our purpose and discovering what that purpose is. This dichotomy defeats most people, who drift into living their life until they merge back into the sea of awareness.
It nearly defeated me, and many others in the process. But I have caught myself before it is too late.
Our bodies are known to end, but the embodied self is enduring, indestructible, and immeasurable ... Weapons do not cut it, fire does not burn it, waters do not wet it ... it is enduring, all-pervasive, fixed, immovable and timeless.
My embodied self awaits...