At dinner I was discussing men with with two ladies and whether love in a relationship is enough.
We were sitting in a small Indian cafe in Little India in Singapore. My partner and I were talking about our relationship, how strong it is and what shifts we had to make to allow it to happen.
Our friend told us about a man she had been with at lunch who was having issues with his girlfriend. He had problems relating to love in a relationship.
He was dealing with the issues of a long distance relationship and the wildness of his woman. This is, of course, something that all men have to deal with if they want their relationship to work. They had reached a point where things were rocky and he needed to take action. He called her and asked her to come to Singapore so they could talk things out. So, reluctantly, she came and they talked and talked, about the long distance, about love in a relationship. She decided things weren’t going anywhere and went back to Hong Kong. He now sits in Singapore agonising over what to do and talking to our friend about it, seeking help.
So our friend wanted me to talk to this man and help him to see how to step up and be a man, and how to understand love in a relationship.
I wasn’t able to organise it but through this post at least I can help others in the same predicament.
Having reached a rocky stage he made four critical errors that ensured the relationship would fall apart completely. These four errors centred on his behaviour as a man. If you already know what they are you can stop reading, you are in a great state. If you can’t see them yet you need some help so keep reading. These errors are so basic in our relationships with women that dealing with them can transform our lives, can enable us to create love in a relationship.
First error was that he asked her to come to him. You may think that this shows his strength as a man in telling her what to do. No! He was showing weakness and indecision. He wasn’t sure of his ground so he wanted her to come to his patch where he felt most confident, he thought it meant he could control the situation. It just showed her that he didn’t know what he wanted and that between them they might find a solution. In my view the situation never recovered from this error. It is so basic that you must remember it. Know what you want and go to her. Show your confidence and take your presence to her, show her you understand love in a relationship.
She wasn’t sure if she had read it correctly and, being a woman, decided to test him. She went to him to see if he could retrieve the position. He started talking, that was the second error. He should have shown by his energy and by his actions what he wanted, instead he talked. She immediately knew he didn’t know what he wanted, he wasn’t confident of his position. He was showing his weakness. So she stayed to give him some time, yet another female test. He didn’t recover so she left, she felt she had lost any sense of love in a relationship.
Virtually his last chance was to get on a plane and follow her. That could win her over. The strength and presence he would have shown could be all she needed. Of course her leaving was a test to see if he would follow her. No, he didn’t, end of story. But never think this is too late, you can still recover at this stage, but it needs strength and certainty.
His ultimate weakness was shown when he went to talk to a female friend about the situation seeking help and advice, trying to understand love in a relationship. Guys, that is the final, devastating weakness. Women are not there to be your confidante, even if they are not your girlfriend. That is what other men are for. We all are unsure at times. That’s why we go and have a beer with our mates and moan about women. We get the angst out of out system and find the strength to do what we really know we should have done all along.
The man we are talking about is a clever, successful man, he just doesn’t know his manhood. He spent his time pleading and placating. When I said to the two ladies, after hearing the story, “Pleading just doesn’t hack it”, they both looked at me and nodded furiously. That was his simple error, he pleaded with his girlfriend. Women hate that. It’s so weak they want to slap you, they want more than love in a relationship, they want a man. Before I made my shift I tried to plead with my, now, partner. She just said to me, “I don’t need another girlfriend, I need a man”. Wow, that hit home. It upset me, but it set me on the track to be the man I am today.
So men, take heed from this man. Don’t plead, don’t persuade. Decide what you want and go for it with total certainty, the one with the most certainty wins. You need more than love in a relationship, although it is critical.
Finally I just want to say a quick word about female testing. They will always do it, as long as you are together. Women need to trust their men and the only way they can be sure you are trustworthy is to constantly test it. Look for it and love it. If it upsets you, you are finished, try becoming a monk instead.