Session 10 — Have Sexual Polarity
Sexual polarity sits as one of the twin pillars at the heart of any relationship. It is a powerful energy that draws two people together and creates excitement in their relationship. It can come to dominate if it is the sole source of attraction.
Sex is an important bonding component in relationships. If you feel somewhat alienated, sex can restore your bond. Intense sexual attraction is an important bonding element in a relationship. As it develops, the level of sexuality changes. Infrequency can be caused by:
- Low desire. For men usually low frequency; for women, quality, or rather lack of it.
- Interfering factors, including anger, time, avoidance and anxiety.
- Lack of time. Keeping a time chart, instead of agreeing a mix of a variety of sex.
- Sex must be spontaneous. With our busy lives, what we don't schedule doesn't happen.
- Anxiety, usually around performance. What is 'normal' is dictated by the media.
Ten ways to spice up your sex life are:
- Talk to your spouse more. It lowers your inhibitions. Talk about sex in general.
- More time on foreplay. Try sexy chat at breakfast, a hot phone call during the day.
- Get better at oral sex. Use your hands and let your partner express what she prefers.
- Try new positions. Try a new sexual position and see if you and your partner enjoy it.
- Climax at the same time. Ask her to signal you, and aim to reach orgasm together.
- Dress for sex all the time. Wear sexy underwear to feel sexy and a little naughty.
- Be spontaneous. The bathroom, couch or kitchen table, unexpected sex is exhilarating.
- Use toys or lubricant to enhance the experience. Discuss what would appeal to both.
- Indulge in quickies. Next to marathon sex, a great quickie expresses intimate closeness.
- When in doubt, return to the basics. Stop trying too hard, sometimes basic is best.
Polarity is the state and control of masculine and feminine energy. In general, a high masculine energy will attract women, and a high feminine energy will attract men. It is the differences between masculine and feminine that create a strong sexual polarity.
Male and female brains operate very differently and our hormones dictate much of our behavior, both physically and emotionally. Michael Gurian's "What Could He Be Thinking?":
- The female brain has 15% more blood flow, more neural pathways and parts light up.
- Men are more capable of spatial skills, while women are more verbally skilled than men.
- Men tend to react to a perceived threat with a physical response, while women talk.
- During sex a woman can bond intensely, while for a man that only occurs during orgasm.
- Many aggressive, sexual and action-oriented responses in are caused by testosterone.
Set aside time to think through your answers to the questions. They are intended to get you thinking about sexuality. Write your answers either in this worksheet or start a journal. Also write your emotional or other reactions.
- Are you aware of your sexuality, its power and its inherent force.
- Is it part of you or do you feel it's somehow outside of you?
- Do you feel a need to control it in any way or are you happy that it's just a natural part of your life? Does this control feel natural?
- Do you feel relaxed about expressing your sexuality or do you feel inhibited in any way?
This exercise needs to be conducted with your partner. It is a dark energy meditation that is intended to discover what you feel about each other deep down. It is intended to help you discover what happens when you let go of your inhibitions. Read the description of my experience and then I will explain what to do.
My wife and I experienced something last year that revealed to us previously hidden depths to our relationship. We had started a close and passionate relationship that we both enjoyed. The one aspect, however, that secretly gave us both concern was that we had never experienced the dark side of each other's nature. There is normally a point in any relationship where you come to experience the dark side of your partner's nature. Usually when this happens it creates confusion or concern. You discover something that is not in line with how you saw your partner.
Most people never think about this and are shocked when it comes out. Both my wife and I had previous marriages that ended in divorce. We were both married to partners who had addictive natures and we both stayed in our marriages because we thought we could help them solve their addictions. Eventually we both left our marriages only after we realized we were enabling the addictions rather than curing them. Entering into a new relationship we both feared what might be lurking in the other. We didn't talk about it but we both knew the other's concerns.
Somehow we knew that we had to experience each other's dark side, we knew we had to resolve this before we went too deeply into the relationship, we had to find out. But how? How could we be sure we knew if we did find out?
We were in India spending some time at an Ashram. Towards the end of our visit we both, independently, signed up for a three day meditation class. We attended the class and worked with various partners. On the last day the teacher announced that we would do a dark energy meditation, one that would, if we engaged with it, delve the depths of our dark side. We immediately opted to do this together, each sensing that the other felt a sense of excitement and dread about doing it.
The experience transformed our relationship into one of total trust and knowledge. The intention of the meditation was simply to provoke one another and see how far we could go.
We started sitting across from each other initially spending time becoming completely present with each other and tuning out the other people in the room. The meditation was to be energetic and physical. We started to pull faces and make gestures to try and provoke each other. Over a period of 10 to 15 minutes we moved to a form of play fighting. We were feeling each other out, sensing where the other person was and seeing how far we could go.
Eventually the play fighting stopped and we became serious. We were fighting, wrestling, to such an extent that the teacher came over to make sure we were ok. She was concerned about how far we were going. Once she was sure we knew what we were doing she let us carry on. Eventually we collapsed on the ground hugging and laughing. We had broken through a barrier and we both felt truly amazing.
What I need to explain is what happened energetically when we started really fighting. Physically I am larger and stronger than my wife. Physically I knew I could wipe the floor with her if I let go of any restraint. My wife knew this but she didn't whether I would lose my restraint if she pushed me far enough. Equally she didn't know if would just bow out in fear of hurting her. For her the latter would be almost as bad as the former.
So she pushed and provoked. She pushed harder and harder to test my reaction. I felt this and saw that she was serious about it. I responded by always topping what she did, but only just. I never let her beat me but I only did enough to ensure she knew I wasn't going to back down. At one point I threw her on the floor and hurt her, but that didn't stop her. She realized that I wasn't going to back down but neither was I going to lose my temper, something she knew had been my habit in the past. In matching her aggression I was also protecting her. I was letting her do what she wanted but making sure she knew she would get it back.
Eventually she gave up, knowing there was no further she could go. I could hold her and stop her and give as good as I got. We were very happy because we discovered each other's dark side. I knew she would go as far as she could, take what I gave back and not take it personally. She knew I would take whatever she gave me, give her back more but not lose my temper or restraint. I would always remain strong and protect her. I would not back down, I would remain, for her, a man.
None of this was planned or talked about as we did it. We followed our instincts and allowed ourselves to go deep into our dark energy. This was what we wanted. This cleared any doubt between us. It was important to us that this was a physical exercise. It had a deep sexual undertone even though sex did not appear in it. It's important that you understand how sex can be involved in a physical relationship even when there is no sexual activity.
The meditation is not intended to become physical and you should not do anything to hurt each other in any way. Start by sitting cross-legged on the floor facing each other. Be close enough that you can touch each other. Sit in silence and look at each other for about 5 minutes. Do not move or talk but just focus on each other. Then start make faces at each other, expressions that might provoke or annoy the other. Then move into touch or prodding each other. Be gentle but try to push the other's buttons, try to annoy them. Do this for about 10 minutes and see where it goes.
The intention is that you access that part of yourself that gets annoyed by others, especially your partner. In turn you want to annoy your partner. You don't do this to upset her but to provoke her to provoke you, and so on. See where it goes and see how you end up reacting to each other.
Afterwards hug each other and let the energy fade away. Talk about the reactions you each felt and what you thought it meant. Look for the positive messages in the meditation, look for a way to get beyond the annoyance. Find out what each of you would like to see in the others actions and reactions.