Man looking fed up with a woman

Women Test Men [A Guide to How Men Can Respond]

There are three men Tom, Dick and Harry. How do they react to women, how do they react to the female? This is a key indicator of how much they understand women. It is a key to their masculinity.

All three men have the same advantages in terms of looks, wealth and other 'important' issues, so what's the difference in their behaviour. In each case women initially acted the same way. The difference is in how the men reacted to how women test men. All in all their reaction resulted in the dramatically different results. The difference is in love and men. So first of all their stories...

Tom, Dick and Harry, Difficult Relationships

Tom found that women usually lost interest in him. They started off feeling attracted to him, then when they acted 'moody' he saw it as a sign that he need to fill an emotional need in them. He filled that need, becoming their emotional punchbag. The women became aloof and were, eventually, repulsed by him. They walked away. Females!!

Dick found his relationships crashing and burning. When they acted 'moody' with him he just walked away, he thought that if a woman doesn't want to be with you, that was that. They don't know what they want, no point dealing with their unpredictable behaviour. He saw intimate relationships as a power-play of status, sexual rights and control. He walked away.

Harry had a secure long-term relationship and found women constantly interested in him. When his woman acted 'moody' he listened and gave her the space to talk. He stayed true to what he felt and ensured she understood that. His confidence in himself was not affected by the wild emotional swings he was experiencing. He knew what was good for them and was open and straight with her, even if it 'hurt' her. They stayed together

What is Female Testing?

In a recent article of mine, Pleading Does Not Hack It, while talking about the failure of a man's relationship through too much pleading, I said,

Finally I just want to say a quick word about female testing. They will always do it, as long as you are together. Women need to trust their men and the only way they can be sure you are trustworthy is to constantly test it. Look for it and love it. If it upsets you, you are finished, try becoming a monk instead.

A women is attracted to a man who is in control of himself but not controlling, to her the most unattractive trait in a man is insecurity. A woman has a constant need to know where she is with a man, she needs to feel safe, to feel excited and to feel free. That's the source of women testing men. Of course the tendency in men is sometimes to try and control their woman, but if no at least they try and solve their problems for them.

A major feminine characteristic is trust. She needs to trust her man, totally trust him, with her emotions, with her life. Only when a woman can trust a man will she surrender to him, will she love him. Unfortunately men are not good at showing emotions, they tend to keep things hidden, they tend not to talk very much. So it's no use a woman asking a man about this, the best she might get will be a shrug. So testing is the only proven method that gets results, that shows the truth, that reveals the sub-conscious motives of a man.

How Women Test Men?

Men all know that women test them all the time, women can't help it. But why do they do it and, more importantly, how do they do it? There are a few simple reasons and methods:

Defence Mechanism

So that she is not a push-over she needs a man to know that he can't take her for granted. A woman needs a man to show that he can respect her. She wants a man to see that she has standards and that he has to meet them. So she puts up a defence mechanism that protects her from his interference.


She needs to find a man that she can't take for granted, he is not a push-over. A woman needs to know that she can respect him. She wants to see how strong emotionally he is, how smart he is. In this case she pushes him emotionally just to see how he will react.

Need for Re-assurance

She wants the certainty that a man cares for her and wants to protect her. She wants to know that he is trustworthy and that she is safe surrendering to him and his love. In this case she shows him some weakness to see if he will be protective ot threatening.


She wants a man to know that she loves him, that he is important to her. Of course, only a man she cares for and wants in her life is worth constantly testing. She constantly seeks re-assurance on what he thinks and feels about her.

Ego Inflation

Sometimes a woman tests because she enjoys making a man uncomfortable, because she can. Men ask for it by getting nervous and uncertain. Ultimately she wants a man to reveal himself, particularly if he is not uncomfortable is his masculinity. This is not meant cruelly, but to help the man see who he really is and what he needs to do to become worthy of her.

Abandonment Complex

This is a serious issue that needs to be treated with care by a man. It is a psychological trait that a woman has stemming from abandonment by men, usually starting with her father. Often nothing the man can do will satisfy the inability of the woman to trust the man. It is not solvable by the man (men, don't try to solve it!) and needs professional help.

How Do Men React?

The more a man passes a woman's test, the more intimacy he achieves with her, the more he is trusted by her. Women want a man who is in control of himself yet slightly out of control; a confident, independent man who excels in life.

A woman wants this is because she ultimately surrenders herself to a man who she believes to be 'the one'. If a man doesn't understand this then he can create chaos in a relationship. As we saw at the beginning a man can fall victim to the testing or get angry with it. Either way he fails. He can, however, take it in his stride, be a rock, be sure of himself and let her swirl around him. The he passes. There is no control involved, just openness and freedom, on both sides.

Tom Dick and Harry.

So what about Tom, Dick and Harry. By now you should have worked it out. Tom is needy and falls victim to her tests, he fails because he has no inner strength that enables her to trust him. Dick is angry and doesn't respect women, he fails because he will always be fighting her. Harry treats her with respect but also respects himself. He passes because he is strong and certain, she can trust him because he trusts himself.

What Can You Do?

I only began to understand about how women test men when I entered a new relationship with a woman who is now my wife. In my life up tp that point I had focused on what I wanted and what I thought she wanted. That did not really work out well. I was an expert in persuasion—I had learned it from my Father—but somehow the women in my life did not seem to be taken in by it. On balance I could not understand why.

Even though like many men I could not understand why 'she' was being awkward, this new lady in my life helped me to see how critical it was to understand what a woman was doing. She needed to feel safe and secure and was not interested in me telling her she was, she needed to feel it for herself.

The Secret

Once I became privy to the secret everything fell into place for me. Of course, women mostly do not tell men what they are doing, partly because they may not fully understand it themselves, but also because they did not want the man to game the system.

So it is best to just accept that women do and will test men. Be aware of it when it happens and deal with it in a way that gains you authority and understanding in the relationship. Personally, I see it as a supreme act of love. I become nervous when I am not being tested by my partner. She loves me and she wants to show it, she wants to feel safe with me, she wants to know if I love her.

6 Lessons on How to Live a Great Life

For all those men who are wondering how to live and love. There is a lot of pressure on men from all sides, pressure to justify, pressure to perform. The answer is simple, look at yourself and how you live.

In my view there are six areas of living a great life to focus on, as Bernice Johnson Reagon said, "Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyse you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are."

1. Love Yourself

This is the primary gift you can give yourself. It's an act of selfishness to love yourself, it's a supreme act of giving. If you are unable to love yourself you are unable to love someone else.

To love yourself you need to be grounded and certain of who you are. You need to connect with yourself and learn how to live your life as yourself. Your friends will be glad to know someone so strong and in control of himself.

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

>Maya Angelou

2. Your Core Masculinity

It's important to get in touch with the maleness that you were born with. This is the sense of being a man that was imprinted in your brain in the womb. Many men struggle because they believe the lie that it is all a social construct. It isn't, you were born a man in many ways.

It helps to be focused and clear about what was intended for your life. Learn to enjoy who you are and accept the creative challenge of growing and developing yourself. Don't stay still and live on what you were, but hold that as the solid foundation of the life you build for yourself.

To me the definition of true masculinity - and femininity, too - is being able to lay in your own skin comfortably.\

Vincent D'Onofrio

3. Love Others

Learn how to love others: friends, family, intimate partner, even enemies. Show them how solid you are and how fearless you are, what a great life you lead.

You need to separate love from desire or neediness and let it stand on it's own. Learn how to be contained in yourself and how to provide a container of love for those close to you in your great life. Hold them in an embrace that allows them to fly to freedom with your love.

Live at your full potential and draw others into that circle of strength and love.

And what do all the great words come to in the end, but that? I love you -- I am at rest with you -- I have come home.\

Dorothy Sayers

4. Your Personal Masculinity

The masculinity you build for yourself is the one that will carry you through life. This is the masculinity that comes, like a Phoenix, out of the fire of all the influences that bear down on you: from family, peers, teachers and the media. Out of this you will make the choices and forge your own masculinity. You will not be a stereotype but an individual, you will be you.

Learn how to be dynamic with energy and flow. Harness the power of your masculinity and use it to show compassion and understanding of others. Be generous, you know you have nothing to lose.

Full engage with your passion and create your success through your dynamism.

A man may conquer a million men in battle but one who conquers himself is, indeed, the greatest of conquerors.\

The Buddha

5. Love Your Partner

Focus your love on your intimate partner, give her love without expecting anything in return. She needs you attention and she needs to know you love her. Don't ever assume she knows what you think or what you feel, you need to be open and honest without displaying your inadequacies to her.

At all times you should be present with her, making her the most important person in your life. Yes, you need to focus on your work and follow your direction in life but you also need to show her that she comes first. Find the balance in this, the balance that doesn't come from neediness.

Live in authenticity, feel your emotions and love her.

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.\

Judy Garland

6. Your Sexuality

Live in and love your sexuality but don't use it to dominate and control. It will grow naturally out of the power and strength of your personal masculinity, let it develop and encourage it. This sexuality can be a terrible weapon, though, so use it carefully and lovingly.

It is important to understand how much intimacy and polarity play a role in your sexuality and in your great life. You need to be emotionally intimate with your partner, you need to love beyond physical desire. The polarity that will exist between you will be the powerhouse of your love and your passion, encourage it and guard it well.

Always us what you have to drive your vision and to build your life.

Freud's view is that all love is sexual in its origin or its basis. Even those loves which do not appear to be sexual or erotic have a sexual root or core. They are all sublimations of the sexual instinct.\

Mortimer Adler

Celebrate A Great Life

Keep these areas in your focus and you can't go wrong in living a great life and loving. Let those with an axe to grind go about their business of grinding, all you have to do is stand firm and know who you are.

Every day is the most important day in your life. So remember to live, love and celebrate this day as the man you are.