Day 36 — Journey: Demons
I left home and went travelling—finally travelling for myself, not travelling for business. This was a return to the rebellion I had started by going into the theatre but it was one with freedom, with an acceptance of uncertainty. I felt young again. I was now finding answers, I was now diving into myself and seeing what was there. I was learning about myself, changing myself, growing and developing. I was developing ideas of how to use this in the world, how to use my learnings to help other people. There was no focus to it yet, but there was a power growing inside.
Changing My Life
I did more events with Tony Robbins and became a Senior Leader with his organisation. In the year I left home I spent four months in Fiji working on his events. I had learned many skills in my life and was a capable person. I met a lady, of course, and jumped back into trying to create the comfortable world I had left twice before. This time it was to be different—but more on that later.
This time I was going to change my life. At the start of my journal for that year, 2006, I said,
Life is changing, Life will never be the same again.—This was never truer than of now. The tipping pint for me is NOW. Never again will there be a day like today, never again will I put myself through the pain and heartache I did today. Perhaps it was necessary for me to experience one last time what it has been like and what it would carry on like if I didn't change.
My determination saw me through against the battles that lay ahead. I faced struggle, bitterness and rejection in moving forward but the move was right and the move was to transform me.
My wife was bitter seeing our life together fall away. I understood her pain. After all it was me who had pushed to bring us together, it was my persuasiveness that had created the family life I was now rejecting. I faced difficulty unpicking the life we had created together. Our boys were grown up, so now had lives of their own, but we still had to untangle the piles of debts and responsibilities we had created.
My wider family just did not understand what was going on. They thought I had become tangled up in a cult and could not understand what I was doing. Leaving my marriage was something that was unacceptable to many of them and they did not like it. It seemed like they rejected me and took my wife to their bosom as a clear signal of what they felt. That hurt me so much.
My lighting design business collapsed for a second time. I became involved in financial chaos as I struggled to earn an income and deal with the debts that seemed to be spiralling out of control.
I had new friends in the world of self-development, friends who helped me to see what I had to do. I had support in a way I had never experienced before, support from people who cared. They helped me see a way through my confusion and understand that my seeking was normal and was something that I needed to resolve.
Then there was Urmila. Was this a new chapter or was this just a descent back into a comfortable nightmare?