My jump off into the world of the theatre and rebellion was exciting and stimulating. But in the end it did not provide any answers to the seeking inside me. I still felt a loneliness inside despite all the people I met and worked with on a daily basis. I missed the connection at home, tenuous as it was. As soon as I could I found a way back into a form of that same life.
At the time my theatrical life seemed to last forever. After only five years I began what I later realised was a way back out of the danger and isolation inherent in that amazing life. I met a girl who swept me away with the power of her sexual connection.
I had not been bold enough to develop many sexual connections, even though it was everywhere—or so it seemed. When I fell into bed with my boss the experience overwhelmed me and I thought this was it. I was craving love and felt it in this relationship, I thought I had found what I had been starved of.
To her it was a bit of fun, but for me this was it. My first actual relationship and I was not going to let go of it. I found the dominating, persuasive power that I had learned from my father and would not let her go. She was bowled over and stuck with me.
In time we married and had two children, two boys, my own copy of the family I was brought up in. I had returned and created what I had hated for all those years, but I told myself it was different. We bought ever bigger houses with ever bigger mortgages. I moved from the theatre to a more normal job in a lighting company to make more money and spend more time at home.
The debt and pressure built up and I was till seeking, I had still not found any answers only more questions, more doubts. What was I doing? Where was I going? Was this it?
This lasted for more years than I care to remember. I developed a career in Architectural Lighting Design. I went into business and failed at business—twice. Although I had a great reputation as a designer I spent too much time trying to run a business. I even went to the extent of doing the book-keeping and running the finances.
I had not just fallen back into what I had run away from I had deliberately taken myself there. I knew I was doing what my father had done and somehow it seemed to make it alright—but it was not.
Our great marriage with the powerful physical connection broke down and fell apart. My wife blew herself apart with alcohol and I became lost in a swirling sea of anger, frustration and resentment. I had no idea what to do, but I did know that I had to do something.
Tony Robbins came to my rescue. In his work I started to see some answers, started to find the outline of a way forward, a way out. I was at a powerful event of his, Date with Destiny, when I saw my next step. It was Relationship Day and he was encouraging people to go back and work on their relationships, to make them work.
Then he said, “But, sometimes, after say thirty years, it is time to call it a day and move on. Sometimes you have to accept that it is just not going to work.” He was speaking to me, he was opening up the space for me to admit that I needed to move forward on my own.
I left home, sold my house and moved on.