Rape Culture And Questions Of Trust [A Conversation About Men And Sexual Abuse]
Join Dr. Vibe and Sat Purusha as they host the discussion 'Men And Sexual Abuse'. The discussions includes how being sexually abused at a young age affected me, and how it took courage for me to share it. It includes discussion of the Jimmy Savile and football scandals.
I write about transformation, spirituality and masculinity. I explore what masculinity means in relation to the rest of men's lives. As part of my engagement with others interested the areas I write about I had a conversation with Dr Vibe. We looked at the area of sexual abuse, and its significance in the lives of men and in my life. It has become a cause celebre in the Uk where revelations continue to hit the headlines. Why is this subject so important? What can we do to change the situation?
Men and Sexual Abuse
Watch the video of a discussion between Sat Purusha and Dr Vibe on Men and Sexual Abuse.
Some of the conversation topics were:
- Some background about me, Purusha.
- Why do I write about manhood?
- Being sexually abused at a young age affected me, it took courage for me to share it.
- How prevalent is male sexual abuse?
- Some reasons why some men commit sexual abuse.
- How did the way he was raised affect the way he raised his sons?
- What men who are sexually abused are telling him and the effects that the event(s) has had on them.
- My suggestions for men who have been sexually abused.
Jimmy Savile, Rape Culture and the Lessons for Us All
I find the term 'rape culture' offensive, but in hearing the British Health Secretary reporting to the British Parliament on the Savile Affair, I question whether being offended is valid any more. When I was 16 years old, in 1964, a British TV show featuring pop music started. 'Top of the Pops' was an iconic show from the BBC. It came from an old church in Manchester that had been turned into a TV studio. I used to pass it by bus on my way to and from school. I can remember seeing the queues of girls hoping to get in and see their favorite 'pop stars'. It was like nothing that had been presented before and the first presenter was a man destined to become famous—perhaps infamous would be better—and an icon of my generation.
Jim'll Fix It
He went on to host the continually popular TV show 'Jim'll Fix It' where he fulfilled the dreams of children, mainly, and wound his way into the imagination of a generation of children and their parents. In Britain the phrase 'Jim'll Fix It' became a by-word for getting your dreams fulfilled.
He was famous for spending his spare time as a hospital porter, looking after children and adults in need. He raised an estimated £40 Million for charity and was knighted by the Queen in 1990. He was a quite extraordinary man.
The House of Commons
Jeremy Hunt, the British Health Secretary, spoke to the House of Commons some time ago about the revelations contained in a report, published on behalf of Britain's National Health Service (NHS), about that man, Jimmy Savile. He said,
I know this House, indeed the whole country, will share a deep sense of revulsion at what they reveal – a litany of disturbing accounts of rape and sexual abuse committed by Savile on vulnerable children and adults over a period of decades.
At the time, the victims who spoke up were not believed and it is important today that we all publicly recognize the truth of what they have said.
But it is a profoundly uncomfortable truth.
As a nation at that time we held Savile in our affection as a somewhat eccentric national treasure with a strong commitment to charitable causes. Today's reports show that in reality he was a sickening and prolific sexual abuser who repeatedly exploited the trust of a nation for his own vile purposes.
He went on,
Mr Speaker, today's reports will shake this House and our country to the core.
Savile was a callous, opportunistic, wicked predator who abused and raped individuals, many of them patients and young people, who expected and had a right to expect to be safe. His actions span five decades – from the 1960s to 2010.
The family favourite loved by millions courted popularity and used it to perpetrate and cover up his own evil acts.
How we should we look at this situation and what lessons we can draw in the context of Men and Sexual Abuse.
I have recently been involved in a discussion here on GMP about the concept of 'rape culture'. I disagreed with the idea that this culture is prevalent. In looking at the Savile case I have had cause to re-think what I feel and what I see. Let me explain why.
'Rape culture' is a concept that links rape and sexual violence to the culture of a society, and one in which prevalent attitudes and practices normalize, excuse, tolerate, and even condone rape. It is a term that was originally coined by the feminist movement but has now moved into common usage. It is believed that the culture starts with a lack of respect by one individual to another, and moves through dominance and control in intimate relationships and in business to people not taking sexual violence or rape seriously. This is seen as a big issue in the US where there are many examples of society appearing to condone such behaviour. The concept takes in everything from 'micro aggressions' to the behaviour of a sexual predator.
I have never seen such a prevalent attitude here in Britain, but the fact that Savile was allowed to get away with his behavior for many years in the BBC and the NHS, major British institutions, would appear to suggest that such a culture exists in those institutions and therefore at the highest level in British society. It also suggests that such a culture exists at all levels of society because of the extent to which Savile's crimes were not reported by ordinary people mainly because they were not believed.
Men are often accused of being controlled by their sexuality. We, reputedly, think about sex all the time and it is only with great difficulty that we are able to control ourselves. In the case of Savile it would seem that he was totally unable to control his sexuality, or perhaps he just chose not to, because he could. It is important to understand that there is nothing wrong with men and their urge for sex, in many ways that is a good thing. The only aspect that is wrong is when that urge results in non-consensual sex. Men, or women, do not need to 'control' themselves they just need to accept that consent is a pre-requisite for any sexual act. For Savile there was no sense in which he sought consent, he just assumed that because people were in awe of him they were fair game.
Ben Belenus, in a article on Savile in The Good Men Project in 2012, 'Jim'll Fux It', said,
If we all celebrated and talked openly about our sexuality, maybe there would be fewer prisoners, men would respect women and we would all respect the earth.
We do need to be more open about sex and not let our sexuality control us, we need to acknowledge our sexual desires and, at the same time, accept that our desires do not give us the right to prey on other people to fulfill them.
Positions of Trust
It is possible to see this situation as just about our ridiculous adoration of celebrities, whether they are movie or TV stars, sportsmen and women or just people 'in the news'. We give these people control over our lives, we give them our power. Savile was allowed to get away with it because people thought he did so much good for children and the needy. It is power and privilege that allow some people to get away with rape and other sexual offenses. This has nothing to do with being a man and everything to do with the exerting of power and control.
We see this not just with celebrities, but with priests, with coaches and with teachers. It is the celebrities that get the attention, but the predator is often in a trusted position within the community if only because they organize that to get access to their prey, their victims—ordinary men, women and children.
Savile was an example of a rampant sexual predator using his fame and influence to pressure people into letting him have free and open access. There are a lot of people who have a great deal of soul searching to do. There are still a lot of questions to be answered but the reaction over the past few years of revelations has been universal. Except that, interestingly, the news is off the front page the next day. We may be horrified but we don't want to hear too much about it.
What Are The Lessons
What lessons are there for all of us? We need to be aware of what people are doing with their fame and celebrity. Sexual predators exist everywhere and they will use any means to get what they want. They may be evil criminals who will not be stopped, but they achieve their ends by our consent, which is often expressed as a lack of objection, a lack of reporting or, more importantly, a refusal to believe people when they do report it.
We need to understand whether there is a difference between people, often men, with twisted minds who think it is alright to abuse, dominate, threaten and rape at will, and a culture of disrespect in society. The problem, for me, with the word 'rape' in 'rape culture' is that it tends to focus the blame for a culture of disrespect on sex and people's, often men's, sexuality. But rape is a problem of control, not sex, and control is, necessarily, linked to general disrespect and dominance, to a general lack of consent even in mild issues of dominance. We need to decide if there is a continuum of disrespect, micro-aggressions, sexual advances, sexual violence, rape and predatory sexual behavior. They are all issues to be talked about and dealt with and until people at large become schooled in the concepts of inclusion, respect, understanding and consent we need to careful of making light of any of it.
The use of the word 'rape' in 'rape culture' is offensive, but I am beginning to think it is necessary to shock people into understanding what is happening. I never saw this as being a big problem because I have always respected what other other people want or do not want. I have never forced a woman to do what she did not want to do, no matter how much that frustrated me. So I saw respect and consent as normal. Yet even I have to understand the extent to which this approach is alien to many people and to large parts of society. That shocks me, and, perhaps, the lesson of the Savile affair, for me, is that I need to be shocked to accept what is happening, at an institutional level, and, worse, at an ordinary level in society.
Football is a Man's Game Where Sexual Abuse of Boys by Men is Common
A new scandal in Britain has highlighted the extent of sexual abuse of boys in the game. This is a game most boys take part in, a game where parents thought they would be safe. I have never been a fan of football in the UK. It has, for me, been too closely associated with racism and violence. Football (or soccer as it is called in the US) is a man's game in the world outside the US. It brings men together and creates an atmosphere where they can bond and experience the rituals of battle in a safe atmosphere. It has been accepted as an essential part of British and European male culture.
Scandal in Football
Football has for years been mired in controversy and struggles to maintain its reputation. It is seen in Europe as home of racism and hooliganism. Much has, however, been done to try and sort out this nasty side of male domination. A campaign by the UK football authorities was started some years ago with a laudable aim,
If football is to be played and enjoyed equally by everyone, whatever the colour of their skin, and wherever they come from, it is up to us all, each and every one of us, to refuse to tolerate racist attitudes, and to demand nothing less than the highest standards in every area of the game.
The problems in the game have been less prominent in recent years until in the last couple of weeks when an appalling scandal has come to public notice. The nasty nature of the scandal along with its extent has caused the Chairman of The Football Association, the games' governing body, to say about the crisis,
It's certainly the biggest one I can remember. Institutionally, all organisations in the old days used to protect themselves by keeping quiet and closing ranks. That's completely inappropriate and unacceptable today.
The crisis is about institutional sexual abuse of children, mainly boys, in football teams and the attempts over the years to cover it up.
This has proven to be the case in football where many accusations of sexual abuse by coaches of children in their teams are being investigated. There are many cases now being investigated by the police because of a flood of revelations being made by footballers. In the past they have stayed silent either through fear or because of pay-offs.
Abused Player Speaks
One well-known player, Derek Bell, now retired, has talked this week about how he was abused between the ages of 12 and 16. His abuser has been jailed over the offences but the footballer talked about how he wanted to take his own life over the shame.
I've come forward to raise awareness and help victims who are coming forward. I've been through the court system, I've been through different things, so if I can give people help and support ... be brave, don't be ashamed.
The shame felt by men as a victim of sexual abuse and rape by other men is an issue that men have always found difficult. The problem stems from the mistaken idea that this abuse is connected with homosexuality and the fear of being branded by homophobia. It is now accepted that it is about control and not connected with the sex of the victim.
Bell said when he came across his abuser later in life,
I was going to kill the guy. I thought, 'no, I can't live any more, everywhere I seem to go he's there. This brought back all the memories to the forefront of my head, and I wanted to kill the guy. I went to his house with a 12-inch knife hidden in my pocket, and I kicked his door in. Luckily for him, that evening, he wasn't in.
He later returned with a hidden tape recorder,
I just asked him the questions 'Why, why, why?' What was his motivation to find a need to constantly abuse me, threaten me, bribe me, befriend my family? And not one time did he say he was sorry. He just said 'I don't know why'. His main aim was 'you're not going to tell the police, are you?'
The shame and stigma with being a victim has been brought into sharp focus this week by the comments of a prominent professional darts player. Darts is another mainly male game. The player, Eric Bristow, has been quickly dumped by his sponsor, Sky Television, for suggesting that the victims should have stood up to their abusers. He tweeted,
Dart players tough guys footballers wimps. U got to sought him out when U get older or don't look in the mirror glad i am a dart player proper men.
He exposed what too many people think, that men should be men and take revenge on their abusers. The idea is that that would sort the problem out, whereas it just perpetuates the culture of domination, control and violence.
Abuse of Power
It seems to me that most institutions of power, and that means power by men, are tainted by the scandal of sexual abuse and exploitation. I have spoken about television and football, but this famously includes the Catholic Church as well. It appears that the domination of children has been widely accepted by men in power. The pathetic need to control children, whether boys or girls, demonstrates monumental inadequacy in those men. This destroys the heart of what, for most men, it means to be a man. Strength, authority, call it what you will, has been used for as long as we know by men to maintain their ability to control.