[Masculinity]

Personal Power with Sexual Polarity [The Energy of the Universe Transforms]

There are men out there who don't know how to be a man, as a result they are screwing up their own lives and the lives of the women they have relationships with. So how do we help these men? How do we reach them?

These men float around seeking change and not knowing how to get it. They want to be released from the pressure of the society, the culture they live in. They want to be a man without feeling guilty about it... So why am I so angry, what's the matter with me. I've just been to a great weekend in Boulder, CO, spending two days talking to men about men. Where was their personal power?

Personal Power for Men

Yes, I'm tired, yes, I'm jetlagged, but there is more to it than that. I'm simply pissed off that there are so many men doing work for men, without any apparent effect. Where is their personal power?

OK, we all influence a few people, in some cases some influence lots of people, but it's having no apparent effect. Men out in the world remain in fear and confusion. They are unable to form a relationship with a woman and they hate that. They hate the culture that has brought them to this point where nothing seems to work.

So what's the problem, you say, there are all these men's groups out there healing wounds and helping men to sit around and relate to each other. Well maybe there are, I've never been to one, and I've never met a man, other than last weekend, who has and found it helped him. I'm not condemning them, I'm sure they do work, honestly, I just don't think they are effective for men as a whole.

Seeking Change

So there are men out there who don't know how to be a man, as a result they are screwing up their own lives and the lives of the women they have relationships with. These men float around seeking change and not knowing how to get it. No, they don't want to meet with other men every week and swap stories about how to be a man, no, they don't want counselling, no, they don't want to be fixed. They just want to be released from the pressure of the society, the culture they live in. They just want to be a man without feeling guilty about it.

In being a man, they want to have a job they enjoy, they want to feel good about themselves, they want to enjoy time with their mates and they want to relate to women without being scared of what will happen. They don't want the women to laugh at them for being inadequate, they don't want to women to scream at them for being abusive. They just want to enjoy time with them and feel that they can relate to them as people. Perhaps they can find one to settle down with and have children, and for it to work. They want to respect a woman and be respected back and they don't want to be mocked by society for it, because it is society creating this problem not women themselves.

They're not interested in a new paradigm, they don't want to touch their inner souls or warrior archetypes, they just want a simple life that they can enjoy, one that makes them feel great.

How To Reach Men

So how do we help these men? How do we reach them? How can we get them to understand that it is all possible? How can we get the message over that it is possible without oppressing women without being a macho dickhead who only looks to himself?

Men need to feel in charge, men need to feel a sense of certainty and authority. Society, today, mocks that, seeks equality and empowerment for all. Ok, you can want that, but understand the effect. Yes, you can drink yourself stupid every night, but understand the effect.

The effect of this great social move to equality is that you just shift the fear from men to women. A lot of people think that's ok, I don't. I don't want the fear to stay with women, but neither do I want it on men. I want men to grow and be strong and I want women to empower this grow with their own.

This is not to seek equality but polarity. Polarity between men and women, polarity that empowers both, polarity that creates a buzz in this world. The polarities that will blow open this culture for all of us, not create personal power .

The Energy Of The Universe

Nelson Mandela had the focus and foresight to see beyond the immediate surroundings of the prison cell he was held in for 27 years to the needs of his country. He was able to subjugate his needs to those of his people.

Is sexual polarity the spark that brings men and women together, that catches the energy of the universe, if so how and why?

Nelson Mandela took the world by storm when he became President of the new South Africa. His presence before his former captors was an example to men everywhere. His focus and dedication in the face of his incarceration seemed almost super-human. But was it? Was he something special, or was he an example of the power of a man in his core, a man who knew himself and his purpose? Men, when they 'get it' can be amazingly powerful, but how do they get there and why should they?

The Relationship

David's life changed dramatically when he recently started a relationship with Sarah, a girl he had known and worked with for over three years. They had both been looking for their soulmate without realising that he/she was there in font of their eyes all the time. they were great friends and loved each other's company.

It had never occurred to either of them that there was, or could be, anything more. Yet each was seeking what was missing in their life. Then, one day, the spark happened and their lives were transformed. They are living together now, even though they are from different countries, and have two children.

So what changed, what happened? Where did the magic come from? What sparked?

The details of the story are irrelevant, what matters is the forces at work behind the individuals concerned.

The Spark

Shakti Gawain in her book, 'Living in the Light', said,

It is the Energy of the Universe moving through us that transforms, not the particular things we do. ... Whether you are ... taking a walk or building a house, if you're doing it with a sense of being right where you want to be and doing what you want to be doing, that fullness and joy in the experience will be felt by everyone around you. ... You will see proof of it in watching the changes in people.

The energy of the universe runs through and influences us all. It is this that is responsible for the monumental changes such as the one that David and Sarah went through.

But how did this energy work its magic and transform two people? How did it create this blend of masculinity and femininity that is now producing new life? Where did mens sexuality come into the picture.

Urmila and I have been talking about the moment the spark happens, the moment everything changes. What are the actual forces that are working in people? We are particularly interested in this because it happened in our lives, allowing us to create the wonderful relationship we have. How does sexual polarity come into the equation?

In our work with men and women we have found that archetypes and stories often hold the key to age old mysteries. The parallel stories of Sleeping Beauty and the Frog Prince look at the essence of a person being put to sleep or hidden from the world. This continues until the 'mysterious stranger' comes along and kisses the Beauty/Frog. Then a transformation happens and the pair fall in love and live happily ever after.

The Revelation

So the answer is a kiss? No, not quite! Neither sex are waiting for their future partner to come along and kiss them, thus revealing, at last, their inner core, even if they think that's the situation. The kiss is a metaphor and they key is to isolate what the metaphor is.

This leads us back to Shakti Gawain's 'Energy of the Universe'. There is a moment when the energy is revealed in all its power. That moment is when the initial spark of sexual polarity fires between two people. Suddenly everything is clear and exciting. It is the moment often described as 'love at first sight'. Shakti Gawain describes it as the moment you have a sense of being right where you want to be and doing what you want to be doing. At that moment the fullness and joy in the experience will be felt by everyone around you.

This happens between two people. The energy of sexual polarity is revealed and acts as a catalyst in two people. That catalyst starts the transformation that moves the man into his masculinity and the woman into her femininity. Most of us know that moment, many of us have felt the spark.

It is at this point that men need to move into top gear and start working on how they show up as a man. I have talked a lot in these pages on this subject and I will be talking about it a lot more. Men are prone to leave this bit out and wonder, later on, why the spark died why the magic didn't continue.

That initial spark of sexual polarity is just a catalyst, it is just there to set off the chain reaction, not to keep it going. It reveals the infinite potential of sexual polarity as a force between two people, the power that can exist between them, the excitement that comes from the interaction of their cores. Men need to harness that power, need to feel that excitement, need to fully experience the polarity and bring it into their life as a permanent feature. They need to develop their own power, strength and presence and take the woman by storm.

The Discovery

Rumi the 13th century poet said,

A man's head may be filled with knowledge of meaningless worldly matters, he may be familiar with all the sciences, and yet not know his own soul. He knows the special properties of every substance, but he is as ignorant as an ass about the nature of his own essence. He declares, I know what is permissable and what is not, but he does not know if his own actions are permissable. He knows the precise value of every article he buys and sells; but in his folly he does not know his own value. He has learned to distinguish auspicious stars from inauspicious ones, but he does not examine his soul to see if he is in a fortunate or poor spiritual state. To know yourself, and to live your life in anticipation of the Day of Judgement, is to master the highest science.

He needs to discover what his essence is and let it, help it, grow.

Why is this important? Why not just enjoy the initial spark of polarity while it lasts and let the future be what it may be?

Men are Leaders

David is in the full throws of the amazing passion he has discovered, Sarah is overwhelmed by the new children. Life is changing before her eyes in ways that she didn't anticipate. This period can be hateful for a woman. She wants to escape from it and thinks it would be great to go travelling the world. She is on leave from her work, why not use it to go to new places? David starts asking round seeking ideas for where to go.

Of course for him this seems a great idea. But as a man it's his role to see beyond the irrationality of his woman. It is for him to see what she doesn't yet see. There are vulnerable babies that need to be cared for and nurtured. There will be a woman in the throws of post-natal depression, a woman for whom life may not make sense any more, a woman trying to come to terms with new responsibilities. It's for him to think of his family and gently shift the idea into something practical. He will have a family to think of, they need him to be rational and be a man. They rely on him to guide and look after them.

Men are leaders not because they are better than women but because they can have the ability to focus and see beyond the immediate surroundings. They can live beyond this moment into the future. Women can be overwhelmed by their own emotions and the family they look after and can miss the bigger picture.

Men are leaders because they can extrapolate this beyond their immediate family. Nelson Mandela had the focus and foresight to see beyond the immediate surroundings of the prison cell he was held in for 27 years to the needs of his country. He was able to subjugate his needs to those of his people. That is the essence of a man.

The Vital Spark Of Polarity In Relationships

I was sitting in the foyer of the hotel waiting for her. Thinking about what had been happening between us, I felt good. It was the end of the day. She came, there was just no polarity between us, she felt, no electricity, no excitement...

I loved being with her and I felt she enjoyed being with me. Life was good. She came and we sat chatting before going back to the apartment with the others. We talked about us, I was looking for something positive from her, something to encourage what I felt.

A Great Friend

Well I certainly got a clear message, but not exactly positive. She loved being with me, I was a great friend, but that was all. There was just no sexual polarity between us, she felt, no electricity, no excitement, no real sexuality.

It just wasn't happening for her, she felt there was nothing coming from me. It was not about performance but about energy.

I felt lost, unable to understand what was happening and unable to know what to do about it. I thought I was doing OK, but not OK enough, it seemed. Sexual polarity, where can I get that from?

Sexual Polarity

Now I know. I have, since, found the answer and things are crackling between us. Let me tell you what I have discovered.

Sexual Polarity is a powerful expression of a relationship between two people, it expresses the nature of the relationship as well as it's power. It's an expression of the energy that encompasses the emotional and the physical connection between them. It creates the electricity between them that excites and binds.

It's important that we men understand exactly what sexual polarity is, where it comes from and how to use it. This understanding makes a significant difference to our ability to be fully present in a relationship and creates the power that will transform it's nature.

Not Equality But Polarity

Men need to feel in charge, men need to feel a sense of certainty and authority. Society, today, mocks that, seeks equality and empowerment for all...

The effect of this great social move to equality is that you just shift the fear from men to women... I don't want the fear to stay with women, but neither do I want it on men. I want men to grow and be strong and I want women to empower this growth with their own.

This is not to seek equality but polarity. Sexual Polarity between men and women, polarity that empowers both, polarity that creates a buzz in this world, polarity that will blow open this culture for all of us.

Sexual Polarity creates energy and relationships are about energy. Energy gives them life and makes them exciting...

Sexual Polarity usually ensures that both sides in the relationship are in their core. It is critical that each person is at ease with themselves and is comfortable with how the other is. Polarity reveals so much about this.

Sexual Polarity ensures there is no confusion in the relationship. Each knows his/her contribution to it and each enjoys the contribution of the other.

Sexual Polarity creates great sex, on both sides. This is important for the longevity of the relationship.

What we need are men who understand themselves, understand women and want to live in a society where equality at work and in the home does not mean a dilution of polarity. Let's have men that women want to be with, men who know themselves and what it means to their women.

So it seems it's about men and women, it can exist alongside equality at work and in the home and it's about power in the relationship.

What is Sexual Polarity?

Think of a magnet, it has two opposite poles that attract each other. The electromagnetic energy creates a force field that simply draws them together. That's what happens between a man and a woman when they are fully in their energy. The energetic force field simply draws them together, they just can't help it. they feel the pull of the energy, the draw of the excitement, the sexualization, the sheer power.

That is what was missing for me, there was no energy. There was friendship and sex and enjoyment, but no clear energetic power.

Where does Polarity come from?

To create this energetic pull it is necessary that each pole is powerfully in it's own energy. So the man should be in his masculine and the woman in her feminine. It can, of course, work the other way round but it needs to be mutual.

My problem was simply that I was not in my masculine. I was too focused on pleasing and persuading her and not paying attention to me. Who was I? What did I want for myself? I needed to find what was in me, what was already with me, the energy that lay dormant deep down inside me. I hadn't even been thinking about me or my core energy.

How to use Sexual Polarity?

The secret is that you don't actually use it, you just live it. Once you start living deep inside your energy it encourages your partner to live deep inside hers. When both of you are there the electricity just happens. There is no active working on it, no trying to prove yourself, no performance. You just relax into yourself and let the natural male inside you live. You trust that your presence and certainty will come out, naturally.

Polarity or Attraction

Polarity creates energy and intimate relationships are about energy. Gary Stamper in Beyond Integral, who knows a thing or two about relationships, has recently written on the importance of polarity in relationships.

He said,

I have a friend who doesn't get the importance of sexual polarity in a relationship. He loves that they are in a balanced relationship, each holding equal parts of the masculine and feminine. I guess it works for them, but for me it would like pushing two north poles of magnets together, repelling each other. They are great friends, but not intimate. It's definitely safe, but certainly not passionate. They are great roommates. I am happy for them, but it's not what I want in an intimate relationship. it feels flat to me. The masculine and feminine are like two magnets, and the principle of polarity also applies to intimate relationships: if you put their north and south poles together, they attract each other.

From my own experience I totally agree with him. Polarity is possibly the most vital element in living intimate relationships.

What is it about Polarity in Intimate Relationships that is so important?

Thinking about it after reading Gary's post about the importance of relationships, I realised it is very basic:

  1. Polarity creates energy and intimate relationships are about energy. Energy gives them life and makes them exciting. I have learnt a great deal on this through Tantra where energy is everything.

  2. Polarity usually ensures that both sides in intimate relationships are in their core. It is critical that each person is at ease with themself and is comfortable with how the other is. Polarity reveals so much about this.

  3. Polarity ensures their is no confusion in intimate relationships. Each knows his/her contribution to it and each enjoys the contribution of the other.

  4. Polarity creates great sex, on both sides. This is important for the longevity of intimate relationships.

Re-awakened Relationships

It was fashionable when I was younger for men and women to seek equality in their intimate relationships, I remember looking for this myself. It seemed fair to give the woman equal say in what happened in the relationship and for the man to equally contribute. There is no reason why polarity cannot include elements of this. Re-awakened intimate relationships will take the best of the past and integrate it into a new, exciting, energetic relationship.