Session 9

Be Present

The quality of presence is a crucial one that all women look for in a man. You need to be present with her and hold her in your presence. In doing this, you need to understand what is behind your love, at issues of need, desire and control.

Presence

The first type of Presence is being in the moment, being you, being attentive to what your partner is saying and doing, and to her needs and desires. It starts with you, you have to be able to be aware of whether you are present. By being present with yourself, not dominating or passive, you can be honest, vulnerable, open, forthcoming and forthright.

The second type of presence is attracting people's attention by who you are. The attraction comes from an inner sense of believing in yourself and in your message. With this presence, the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects of your personality spring to the forefront of everything you say and do, through stance, tone, cadence, eye contact, gestures, your honest passion or emotion that is apparent in every word, your ability to make persuasive points, to sustain a clear argument, and the physical delivery of the message

Desire

Desire is to pursue a person or object that represents a feeling in you. What we really want is the sensation and not the object, person or situation itself. Desire and fear are two sides of the same coin, both equally involved in rejecting and escaping from reality. Wherever there is desire, there will be fear, where ever there is fear, there will be the desire to control and longing to possess.

Need

Abraham Maslow says that if our deficiency needs are not met, the individual feels tense and anxious. He organised the human needs in a pyramid, starting with:

• Physiology. They are the literal requirements for human survival.
• Safety & Security. They include security, health and well-being.
• Love and belonging. Feelings of belonging, ability to maintain friendship, intimacy, family.
• Esteem. All humans have a need to be respected and to have self-esteem and self-respect.
• Self-actualization. Discovering a person's full potential and realizing that potential.

A relationship is not meant to fill your need for love and belonging or your need for self-esteem and respect. A relationship works when you have filled those needs and you want to share love and belonging, self-esteem and respect with your partner.

Control

Men classically wield control in the home, thinking it's their natural right or duty. He imagines that he's preserving his individuality. He thinks part of the power struggle is not compromising who he is. He may let her think she has the power, but admitting outright that he's the weaker of the two in his mind is the shameful compromise of a man's integrity.

Love

If a relationship is based on desire, its life can be limited. If it's based on need, it can be distorted. If it's based on control, it will be a constant power battle. But if it's based on love, it will grow and flourish, as will both partners.

Worksheet

Set aside time to think through your answers to the questions. They are intended to get you thinking about need, love, desire and control. Write your answers either in this worksheet or start a journal. Also write your emotional or other reactions.

1. In your relationships, either current or past, what was the nature of your love? What was the balance between love and desire? Can you see a separation between them?
2. What needs do you have that are, or were, being fulfilled by your relationships? Do, or did, they get in the way or confuse matters?
3. How do you control, or at least attempt to control, the world around you? Do you control your family, colleagues or friends?
4. How do you see the relationship between Need, love, desire and control in your life? How do you think you need to change this?

Exercise

This exercise was developed by Richard Moss, from whom I learned it. It is designed to enable you to bring yourself back to the present moment whenever you like.

Stand on your own in a room, make sure there is plenty of space around you.

Where you are standing is now, this is point where the rest of your life begins. Think about yourself in this moment and how you affect everything by how you are now. Stay silent for a moment and let this moment flood over you.

Step forward one step. You are now in the future. Think about the stories you create about the future. How much do you live in the future, how are you affected by it?

But that is in the future. Take a step back to the now. This is the first moment of the rest of your life. You are in the present moment, let the future fade away, let it go.

Step back one step. You are now in the past. Think about the stories you create about the past. How much do you live in the past, how are you affected by it?

But that is in the past. Take step forward to the now. This is the first moment of the rest of your life. You are in the present moment, let the future fade away, let it go.

Take a step to the left. You are now looking at your view of your life. Think about the stories you create about yourself. How much do you live in your stories, how are you affected by them?

But they are only stories. Take a step back to the now. This is the first moment of the rest of your life. You are in the present moment, let the future fade away, let it go.

Take a step to the right. You are now looking at others view of your life. Think about the stories you create about how others see you. How much do you live in the stories others tell about you, how are you affected by them?

But they are only stories. Take a step back to the now. This is the first moment of the rest of your life. You are in the present moment, let the future fade away, let it go.

Whenever you get caught up in the stories you tell yourself about the future, the past, what you think, what others think, just take a step back to the now, this is the first moment of the rest of your life.

Enjoy the moment and feel how much freer you are when when you just focus on the present moment.